Ex contacted me..need advice..did i handle it well enough?or did i make mistakes

[johnlewis]

This is the convo between me and her. I know its long but please guys..bear with me. Pls tell me how i handled it. Thx

About two weeks ago, my friends told me about my ex who was flaming me on facebook and msn. This girl moved overseas and left me for another man about 5 months ago. I found out that she was angry at me because she thought that i had been badmouthing her to our mutual friends about the breakup when I have not. I took the advice of people form this forum and decided to ignore her flaming etc etc and act as though i did not even know about it considering I deleted her off my facebook and msn.

Recently however, she contacted me by surprise and asked why I was badmouthing her. I calmly explained to her that I was not and that it has been so many months and I did not understnad why she had to go about creating so much drama again. Bear in mind I have not had contact with her for months. The weird thing about her tone of voice was that while saying all this, she did not seem angry at all. She then agreed rather easily that I have not been badmouthing her after hearing my explanation.

She also asked me why I had to block her on msn etc etc. I told her that I am happy for her, her new guy and her new life overseas but after everything thats happened between us, I did not think it was a good idea to be friends. I told her that I can see now that what happened was for the best. She said she did not want to cut ties and hated that idea. She said she does not understand why I had to delete her and not keep in touch with her for so many months. She then started crying and blaming me by asking me why I always make her cry. I told her its ok to let it out because sometimes, thats all a girl needs to do.

My ex all sudden started talking about something that was abit weird. She said that in life, we dotn always end up with the one we love the most. Sometimes destiny determines who we end up with. We might even end up marrying someone else. I did not want any drama so I just decided to agree with whatever she was saying.

My ex then asked me if i thought about the things I did to her.(I was not a bad bf..towards the ending of the relationship i did turn AFC though which I do regret and have learnt from). I told her I dont want to tlak about the past. I told her that after the anger had passed, I did think about it and I felt that we were both just immature. Whats important was that we learnt from out mistakes and we dont repeat them. I told her that relationships are learning experiences so that the next one we get into will be even better. After a long silence...she quietly agreed.

She told me she hates the fact that I hate her now of which I jsut reassured her again that I am happy for her and that she has someone new to spend her life with.

My ex then started asking(almost begging) if we could be friends in the future or if she could meet me when she came down in a few months time. I told her maybe many years in the future we could but I dont really see it happening after everything that has happened between us. I also told her that Ill be very busy in the next few months so I might not be able to see her.

Her tone then changed to being a little angry and she said..'fine...wtv makes you happy'. I did not want anymore drama like the one she created bfore so I told her she can be my friend on facebook but we still cant keep in contact of which she then agreed and told me that at least she will then know whats going on in my life.

To end the convo, I asked her if theres anything else she wanted to get off her chest before we officially cut ties. She paused for awhile...and then said..'jsut so you know, you are the one I love the most'. This really hit me...I did not know what to say nor was i expecting this. After regaining composure i reply...'yea, but you are destined to be with the new guy rite?its ok i understand'. She pasued for awhile then answered 'yes'. I then said bye.

I maintained a calm composure throughout the convo and did not snap etc etc. I really was surprised I was able to do this considering I am still a ltitle hurt by what she did. I guess it shows how far i have come. The problem now is talking to her and hearing her say those words have brought up mixed emotions in me and I am feeling a little lost. I guess I just wanted to know what you guys think about the convo and what do you guys gather from it. I have to admit that I do not like the fact that she is with that guy and she has been telling everyone that he is better than me. Although I know I should not care, I am human and the fact that theyre still together does bother me. I guess I am looking for salvation more so than wanting her back. I kind of want to know if she regretted what she did. I was depressed for some time after the breakup but I am doing a whole lot better now. Been gaming often and with success. =)Thx^^

 

[Joe Stud]

You handled that superbly. It's normal to get mixed emotions from hearing something like that from the woman you love(d). And it will get you down for a few days, thinking about it, probably more so because you are a sensitive guy.
However over 50% of marriages fail. So be glad you didnt marry her. And also that fact tells you that you are NOT alone in your temporary suffering. Almost every man goes thru (and lives thru) this. Just like a lion who was wounded in a brawl, you must lie low, and lick your wounds a bit. IE: be good to yourself. Have fun, spend money on a wardrobe, or a new toy. Date some chicks. Relax, and enjoy whatever makes you happy. TIME HEALS! But in the meantime, FORCE YOURSELF to get back out there as you were: -->Quote:Been gaming often and with success. =)Thx^^
Just do it, and dont look back!!

 

[RFish]

You handled it perfectly really. I feel so proud of you.

The only thing that bothers me is actually the fact you don't really have to make it a point that you "officially cut off ties" if you know what I mean. This brings me back to the childhood days whereby sometimes I will hear people saying "ok our friendship ends here."

You don't really have to put an official end. Just walk away. Just be busy, you don't have to meet her, don't have to say "not be friends". Your action will tell the most.

This is the world. It's small. Some time 5 to 10 years later you might meet her again, she might be your boss or you might need her help in some areas of your life.

I can tell a ex that I accept her request of friendship, yet act as if we are not friends and it will even make her wonder more what happened and will feel the confusion. Textbook will say not be friends and that's right but action tells more. Be indifferent. That is the opposite of love.

Her current branch might be falling and she wants you back in a way. All those drama was for you go get emotional in order to fill her ego that you still want her. No in fact you don't and when she says she loves you the most you should be like "Haha I see, is there anything else? If not I got to go to _________ ." So don't bother. Her words are used in a manipulative way and to control your feelings rather than genuine words.

Also you want to know if she has regretted. She may or may not. That depends alot on personality types. Read up on it. There are certain type that will think alot and always look back into the past, regretting and thinking could have should have would have.

But ask yourself, do you really care? Does it makes you a little happier knowing she regret?

Anyway I can see you are working towards the right direction. You are not totally over her and it is perfectly understandable. Your actions and words showed great maturity and I'm glad you are and did what you did.

(=

 

[johnlewis]

Hey guys,

As ashamed as I am to admit it, I think knowing that she regrets will indeed make me a little happier. I have lost alot of my pride the first week after the breakup by trying to win her back all while not knowing she was with the other guy and immediately after she was telling everyone that the other guy was better than me in every way. I was lucky to stumble into the forums as only then did I learn that it was pointless to chase and I let go. I did not bother ruining her name or even telling anyone other than very close friends what she did. I did however find out form friends that she constantly talks to the guy about me.

The thing is, my ego has taken a huge bruising from this and I guess that if she really did regret it, it would take some sort of burden of my chest. Like undoing a wrong I once did. I used the teachings of the community to get her but I kind of slipped into AFC mode during the end of the relationship and therefore I guess in a way, it was a wrong that I could have avoided. During the beginning, she was literally crazy over me but at the end, especially during the breakup, it was like the balance of power totally shifted. I was having life problems at the time and therefore let it reflect in my relationship. It was a veyr sudden thing. All in the space of two weeks or so everything changed. Somehow, I feel that knowing she does regret it and want me back and having the power in my court again will be my salvation. I have been seeing other girls but this is sort of like a scar left behind.

The convo had made me reminisce about our good times but at the same time I also do not approve of what she did. I guess what I need is for reassurance that what I did and said in the convo was the right thing and that what I am assuming is correct. This is because what I did would have probably forced her to forget about me and devote herself fully to the other guy from now on. It certainly felt like a defining moment. From reading alot after the breakup and learning, my current assumptions are:

1. She is having problems or unhappy with the other guy as he turns out to be not as great as she once thought. If she were happy, she wont even bother. She does not really know what she wants but at the same time is upset that i seemed to have gotten over her and therefore tries to reel me back in with mindgames to fuel her ego..........OR........she got together with the other guy because she felt vulnerable, this guy did alot of stuff for her and also wanted to hurt me at the time. After she realised it had no effect, she then realised she is stuck in a relationship with a guy she does not have strong feelings for.

2. She knows that she cant really be with me because I am far away and would rather be with the other guy because not only is he in the other country, he does alot of stuff for her and supplicates(proven fact). She hates the fact however that she has no more hold over me or she does not know what is going on in my life.

3. She tried to play mindgames with me hoping that I would be the one to crack and ask her back as she had too much pride to do so herself. The irony is that if I did, the balance of power would have shifted and she would have probably rejected me and gone running to the other guy proud of ehr accomplishment.

4. She cant be that great of a girl if she has a bf and is telling another guy that he loves him more. She is either confused or not worth being in an LTR with.

I also want to know what effect the convo may have had on her as well. What do you guys think? Bear in mind it really was a good relationship till the last few weeks. We were close friends for the longest time and have been constantly involved in each others lives before as well.

I really thank you guys for taking time to read my long posts^^. I apologise for any inconvenience caused.

 

[robinincarolina]

You handled it well. She was fishing, and seems to be a bit of a drama queen. It is normal to want her to have regrets, I am recently broken up as well, 2 months and its rough, but I don't look back, I look forward and you should do the same. She is not worth the space she is taking up in your head.

 

[the_professional]

"RFish will become famous soon enough

You handled it perfectly really. I feel so proud of you.

The only thing that bothers me is actually the fact you don't really have to make it a point that you "officially cut off ties" if you know what I mean. This brings me back to the childhood days whereby sometimes I will hear people saying "ok our friendship ends here."

You don't really have to put an official end. Just walk away. Just be busy, you don't have to meet her, don't have to say "not be friends". Your action will tell the most.

This is the world. It's small. Some time 5 to 10 years later you might meet her again, she might be your boss or you might need her help in some areas of your life.

I can tell a ex that I accept her request of friendship, yet act as if we are not friends and it will even make her wonder more what happened and will feel the confusion. Textbook will say not be friends and that's right but action tells more. Be indifferent. That is the opposite of love.

Her current branch might be falling and she wants you back in a way. All those drama was for you go get emotional in order to fill her ego that you still want her. No in fact you don't and when she says she loves you the most you should be like "Haha I see, is there anything else? If not I got to go to _________ ." So don't bother. Her words are used in a manipulative way and to control your feelings rather than genuine words.

Also you want to know if she has regretted. She may or may not. That depends alot on personality types. Read up on it. There are certain type that will think alot and always look back into the past, regretting and thinking could have should have would have.

But ask yourself, do you really care? Does it makes you a little happier knowing she regret?

Anyway I can see you are working towards the right direction. You are not totally over her and it is perfectly understandable. Your actions and words showed great maturity and I'm glad you are and did what you did.

(="

Great post man. Good stuff.