Divorce...now what?

[Dukester101]

Ok... I'm not new to these boards by any means. I was a heavy contributor to these boards back in 2004/2005. I learned a lot of good things, and had a lot of good experiences. I actually considered myself a Master DJ.

Now that I have returned, the whole website has changed and things are totally different. Gone are the people I used to know, and I don't remember half the things that I said, and even preached over 5 years ago. Some people might remember me as Dukester.

Now I'm back, trying to get back in the game and re-learn all the stuff I used to preach, and all the things I already know (sounds crazy, I know).

Here's my story:

In 2005, I met this girl and her and I became really close. We ended up dating around mid-2005 and her and I have been with each other ever since. She pretty much immediately moved in with me in late 2005, and in early 2008 we got married.

I joined the US Air Force in late 2008 and we ended up getting stationed in Japan. Somewhere along the way things went downhill for us, and the military no doubt had a play in it. In retrospect, I shouldnt have joined the service at 24 years old, but I can't change that now.

I knew our marriage was going downhill and it was just a matter of time before it came to an end. I'm currently deployed to Iraq, and I got the divorce papers in the mail.

The thing is, she doesnt want to divorce me, but feels it's the only option. Her and I are both really messed up, and havent quite figured out what we want out of life. We both dropped out of college and really have nothing to show for ourselves. I joined the military and absolutely hate it, and she came along for the ride. She came to Japan with me abandoning all her family and friends and essentially having no-one.

Now the funny thing is... this is the girl that I made several posts before I left the boards as Dukester in 2005.

So I guess my real question is... how do I get back in the game? How do I re-learn the principles, tactics, rules I used to know. How do I get that confidence back? I'm still in the grieving process over this, but I'm only 24 (25 in November), so I still have a lot of time left.

Sorry about the long azz post, I know I hate reading long sob stories. Thanks for any and all help you guys can provide. I know I probably sound like an AFC now (and I probably am), but once a DJ always a DJ right? I'm just a lost and forgotten DJ...

 

[Kailex]

#1: Thank you for your service. You might hate it, but somewhere along the road, you might appreciate it. I come from a family of military that swore that they'd never want me to serve, even though I always wanted to... alas, I never will be able to serve, so I thank anyone that I see who does.

#2: First thing you need to do is adopt the correct attitude... You put up a sad face with this thread... WRONG. HAPPY FACE. From the sounds of it, you two have NO kids together. Which means that all this divorce is... is a hard reset.

#3: You are young enough to be able to start over. You should be HAPPY.

#4: Stop talking about a divorce as if someone had just died. Grieving? I understand that it must be hard to deal with, but SHE sent you the papers. You're only "grieving" because it wasn't YOUR choice. And what she says isn't necessarily what she feels when she said: I don't want to get a divorce, we just have no other choice. Um, she seemed like she wanted it when she sent the papers, right?

#5: Nothing to show for it? You're serving your country! And the Air Force no less! Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the hardest branch of the military to get into? I really hope you are using your time there wisely. Too bad you don't want to make a career out of it.

#6: You start out by reading the source material, DJ Bible, Book of Pook, Anti-Dump Machine...

#7: And you start by adopting the right mindset... NO MORE SADNESS. This is an exciting time for you! Chicks dig a man in a uniform... "Oooooooh, Air Forceeeeee. So Yummy!" I wish I could have been in your position.

#8: You'll do just fine. Remember that. Just find your inner game again... and don't be so quick to get married at such a young age!

 

[dark god]

First off if you're stationed in Japan Turn off the computer and go get some hawt japanese chop socky azz. Remember Harold and Kumar? " I dont have yellow fever , I have The yellow Plague"" lmao one of my favorite lines.

 

[Desdinova]

Before I get on to your question....

The thing is, she doesnt want to divorce me, but feels it's the only option.

Never listen to what women say, listen to their actions. She can't just print out some divorce papers from the net and mail them to you. This 5hit requires time, effort, and money. She's full of 5hit if she says she really doesn't want it. If she went through all that effort, SHE WANTS IT.

There's probably another guy in the picture.

Now, onto your question:

So I guess my real question is... how do I get back in the game? How do I re-learn the principles, tactics, rules I used to know. How do I get that confidence back? I'm still in the grieving process over this, but I'm only 24 (25 in November), so I still have a lot of time left.

I'm currently in the same situation as you - getting divorced, need to get back out in the game (and I've been married a helluva lot longer than you). You shouldn't have to re-learn everything. I've noticed that I'm not as 'on my feet' with my wit, and I have approach anxiety again. Other than that, I'm still in pretty good shape game-wise. She's not even moved out of the house yet and I have three women on the go.

What I'm going to do is during the second week of May, I'm putting myself through the boot camp to get myself back up to speed. Wanna do it with me?

 

[wait_out]

I know I probably sound like an AFC now (and I probably am), but once a DJ always a DJ right? I'm just a lost and forgotten DJ...

Heh... you wish life were that simple.

First of all, you're deployed right now so put the DJ/PUA stuff on hold. Nobody likes everything about the military but if you want to be happy, you NEED to make good friends who help you blow off steam, and act in a way that gives you pride. Life is not all about girls you know. Maybe you're hating your job for making your relationship difficult but IMO, the stress of military life is sometimes more of a catalyst for other relationship issues than the root cause. If you do a good job over there despite the pressure, boredom, and occasionally fvcked-up **** guys see, you will return here a better + wiser man.

100% serious about this... make friends and keep them close. Being isolated & losing your girl before or during a tough deployment is miserable for everyone. It brings certain guys to suicide.

Coming home, you might find it difficult to click with random Japanese-speaking foreigners on the street or in bars in Okinawa, but chances are there are expat networks if you want to make some friends outside the army. The net will let you find strangers fast and trust me nobody likes feeling isolated far from home... you will get replies quickly, it's not like net dating.

Kailex, I think being active-duty military is actually kind of a red flag for girls. It can be a big positive for a girl's hook-up fantasy, but in terms of LTRs it is a very intimidating obstacle. I've seen gears turning in various interested women's heads so many times after I've mentioned my job, I think in the future perhaps I just won't. Maybe I'm spinning it wrong, but girls talk to each other too. You have to be realistic about these things.

Positives, though: My buddy's "perfect woman" platonic target did a 180 flip from completely uninterested to probably DTF that night when she overheard me talking about the headaches of doing COIN on the ground to a guy from my HS. I was asleep at the switch and forgot to get her number to hang out later that night, couldn't remember her last name, then I left town the next day. My buddy was pissed for a long time afterwards though... damn girl

 

[Dukester101]

Thanks for all the replies guys. Definitely some good stuff that I needed to hear.

Glad to know that there's people in similar situations. It just brings what have really been thinking to light.

Maybe you're hating your job for making your relationship difficult but IMO, the stress of military life is sometimes more of a catalyst for other relationship issues than the root cause.

Very, very true statement right there wait out. The Security Forces field in the AF is one of the most stressful career fields in the AF. If I remember correctly, it has the highest divorce rates for all jobs in the Air Force.

I'm actually trying to get my life back on track over here in the desert too. Despite what's going on, and it feels like my life is crashing down around me. I'm going back to school amid the myriad of missions and daily anti-terrorism work out here.

I have a good feeling I'll recover, but unfortunately it may take me some time to get back that confidence I had when I was younger.

 

[Ballie]

I have a good feeling I'll recover, but unfortunately it may take me some time to get back that confidence I had when I was younger.

There are quite a few divorced guys on this forum - I am one of them. It takes time to get yourself back to speed give yourself at least one year, minimum, to stay single. ONS are fine, but forget about looking for a relationship during this period.

Your self esteem has taken a knock, concentrate on getting your stuff together - think of what you were like before you got married and become that guy again.

You are still young, there are many young single girls out there (lucky fellow!).

 

[sodbuster]

I second Ballie's motion.