Although her intentions are good, Be excellent is clueless about this matter. She will never be in a man's shoes in this matter so her personal experience or lack of is irrelevant.
Go to a parallel universe where the judicial systems are stacked highly in favor of men and completely biased against women and where all stipulations of your marriage contract penalize you no matter what the circumstances of your divorce are. Get married to a capricious man in that parallel universe and lay your entire financial future at the mercy of his whims.
Next get financially ruined when you divorce and then when you come back to this one, your opinion will actually be backed up by experiences similar to men's.
In the meantime I'll refrain from having "girl talks" with women about "the joy of motherhood."
The courts don't care about female versus male. The courts care about who earned more and who was out of the workforce taking care of children.
Actually I was the sole breadwinner and my first husband stayed home with the kids (from birth on). I was the one at risk of being financially split in half, which any court would have done had my first husband and I not negotiated something equitable before lawyers got involved.
So understand I was in exactly the spot where OP sits right now. The court takes from the higher earning spouse (me in my case) and subsidizes the lower earning or non earning spouse.
I was extremely lucky. My first husband acknowledged that he had not held up his end of the bargain in the marriage while I busted my ass earning a living. My first husband also understood that our children would be far better served if I was not financially gutted because I was the financially responsible and savvy one in the relationship. He did not seek to take whatever he could from me. I was LUCKY. My lawyer, when the papers were signed & final told me, "You better pray he doesn't come to his senses and take half of everything for the next 30 days....he gets a reconsideration period..."
So yeah. I've been where OP sits on the financial issue.
The only way to avoid being gutted is to negotiate with the wife and agree to something you both find fair.
I had ZERO mandated child support or alimony. But my ex husband and I agreed that I would pay him whatever he needed to take care of the kids etc. so long as he asked. Hell. I left him a checkbook on my account so he could cut himself the checks. He would call or text, we'd discuss it, he'd write himself a check on my account. No Attorney General needed. He has never paid rent or mortgage in 10 years. He lives in the marital home, which I own & carry the mortgage for, he pays his bills. When I sell that home, I'll give him the equity. I bought him the car he always wanted. I pay for major expenses like college for the children. I bought the kids their first cars, got them all braces for the teeth.
He did not gut me financially so that has allowed me the assets and income to handle these things. Win-win.
He has retirement assets as part of the trust I set up. He is a beneficiary, followed by the kids.
But our agreement required tremendous trust between us. My second husband has had to make peace with the agreement I made with my first husband who could have screwed me financially, but didn't.
So ya. Been through it. I was very lucky because I knew I had a lot to lose in court and I chose to get out ahead of it and be civil and handle things agreeably for us both.
I'm not sure OP and his wife have that kind of maturity and sense of responsibility. And I had 3 kids, not just 1....read 3x the expenses.
OPs problem is he wants both the relationship with his wife AND he wants a financial divorce. Those two desires CANNOT co-exist.
