Decent date that fizzled out

[Mikey C]

Hi, just saw this site and read bits of the bible. Cool stuff.

I had a date last week with a woman I was talking to on ok cupid for two or three months. She's an 8 for me. Very attractive.

Things went great, good convo and we ended up in a bar hand-in-hand, hugging and slow dancing.

thing is it didn't go further. I didn't want to go for the kiss in the bar so I took her outside, then along comes a chinese girl selling roses. My date knew her and started talking to her. I was then pressurised into buying a rose. I protested "that's a bit of a of a cliche" hoping she'd **** off and take the hint, but she wouldn't stop, so to shut her up and stop this mini scene I bought a rose. **** sake I thought, how the **** did that happen? We went back inside to more touchy touchy. I kissed both her cheeks and more slow dancing.

I wanted to get her out and to escalate somewhere else. We left and lo and behold in the next bar just thirty metres away was some guy she knew. "lets have a beer and talk to mr x", she says. if your sister or daughter came home with this guy you'd be disgusted. Chain smoking, drinking beer and not the most well-mannered. she was a bit tipsy now and this guy had zero interest in what she was saying, and I'm stuck in the middle looking for an escape. she whispers to me an apology for getting a bit too drunk. I suggested taking her home, she says it's ok. I had work next day so couldn't stay any longer waiting around to get her on her own. I made my excuses, gave her a hug and said goodbye.

My instinct tells me she's a bit of a party girl, but she was good company at the start and I wouldn't mind seeing her again.

Should I call again?

 

[muscleman]

You can call again and try to set something up more intimate (drinks at your place), but potentially blew it. It fizzled because you weren't aggressive enough. You kissed her cheeks but didn't kiss her lips?? What kind of move is that? What was your purpose in doing that? Are you afraid to kiss her lips?

You suggesting taking her home (your home? her home?) to which she agreed, ESPECIALLY since she was drunk, was a perfect opportunity to seal the deal.

Glad you found the site, start reading. It will open your eyes.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Mike,
"My instinct tells me she's a bit of a party girl"....You catch on quick Mikey Babe,get on y'er bike and go!

 

[Mikey C]

You can call again and try to set something up more intimate (drinks at your place), but potentially blew it. It fizzled because you weren't aggressive enough. You kissed her cheeks but didn't kiss her lips?? What kind of move is that? What was your purpose in doing that? Are you afraid to kiss her lips?

You suggesting taking her home (your home? her home?) to which she agreed, ESPECIALLY since she was drunk, was a perfect opportunity to seal the deal.

Glad you found the site, start reading. It will open your eyes.

Thanks muscleman, there wasn't much intimacy in the bar so didn't go for tongues that's why I wanted to leave, although as you said shudda gone for lips. Just divorced too, so I am out of practice.

Thanks for welcome, I think I will like this place.

 

[scrouds]

You'll get back on your game in no time.

Be bold. Find places you like. Take dates there. You should develop a small catalog of spots with different environments that you like.

Be bold.

And don't talk to chicks online for months. Should be 2-3 messages and go for phone #.

 

[Mikey C]

Cheers mate. I am already working on inner game.

It wasn't for months per se, I got her no way back but through various stuff we never met up.

I am going to call her and see what happens.

 

[pdx1138]

I had a date last week with a woman I was talking to on ok cupid for two or three months.

First date after messaging on okcupid for 2 or 3 months???

That's way too long Mikey.

In my opinion you should have been on a first date within 2 or 3 messages.

The thing is, they get bombarded by msgs (especially attractive ones) on a daily basis. I missed out recently because a girl had just begun dating another guy before we met. By our second date, she'd had a great 3rd date and wanted to give him a chance...so I lost out. she was an 8 too.

 

[Mikey C]

Hi pdx, sorry I didn't make it clearer..the first contact was three months ago..i got her number then and I couldn't meet up for various reasons..i reinitiated contact a week ago and we met up.

Just off the phone, asked her to join me for a gig tomorrow, told her she was more than welcome to come. **** test at start though: "who's this?" I said your favourite irishman...that got a laugh...anyway she said yes and we're going out tomorrow. I am picking her up at hers.

Any tips?

 

[Werman]

If you're on a date with a girl and she ever wants to go talk to sit down and talk to another guy for anything more than a brief "Hi" and "bye" then something is seriously wrong.

Personally, and this is just me, after 5 minutes of disrespect (and that's what it is) I would have found a reason to leave and not talk to this girl again.

Either she isn't interested or is horribly disrespectful. Both of which are not things you want to deal with.

 

[Greasy Pig]

^^^ Agree. If a girl is really into you, why would she make your little twosome a threesome with some douche?
Tread carefully, Mikey C. And welcome to the forums! I find a piece of solid gold here pretty much every day and it's worked wonders for my dating life.

 

[Mikey C]

Werman and greasy pig, spot on.

She flaked.

A good lesson learned. She phoned ten minutes before meet-up with a story that her friend was in hospital and we can do it some other day.

I said sorry about your friend hope she gets better soon.

Next!

 

[Atom Smasher]

Next time,

Sorry about your "friend".

 

[Financed]

Regardless of what went down... CALL. That'll be your answer. Think of it this way with any girl. If you don't call/ask its EXACTLY the same as her saying NO. At least when she says no you will know.

 

[Mikey C]

Yeah man, I did call, we arranged a date and she flaked.

Werman and greasy pig's advice was spot on and muscleman was correct about not being aggressive enough on the first date.

 

[backbreaker]

this is your fault

i can tell by the OP your date was wayyy too long. nothign positive can ever happen if the date is that long. first date should be just long enough but at the same time, you have to leave them wanting something. your first date sounded like you wanted to prolong it as long as possible to try to get some. that's not how it works.

a really good formula, at least for me on first dates is that, there is always going to be a point where you can tell she really is into you or she is liking what you are seeing. maybe she starts getting closer to you maybe she starts playing footisie with you whatever you will know. maybe when she starts ordering more and more drinks to get wasted to have an excuse for you to take advantage of her. see in stead of keeping the date going and going all touchy feely, that's exactly when the date should end lol. you want to leave her saying "god dammit i was just getting to know him" not "damn i know everything about him now i'm hugry and want to go dance with other dudes"

the way i approach the first date was, it's about setting the bait. if you go into the first date with the sole intention of setting the bait for the 2nd date, you will be suprised at how easy it is to close the deal in the 2nd date. give her just enough to wonder about the rest of you, let her simmer on that **** for 4-5 dates, then go back in and clean up house.

rarely should a first date be longer than 1 hour.

 

[Greasy Pig]

Holy fvck, welcome back Backbreaker! Hope you stick around mate.
There are a lot of new guys who could use your wisdom.

Cheers

 

[backbreaker]

I still read every once in a while. though i doubt i will ever bee an every day contributing member again, but if i see i can actually add somethign every once in a while i will rspond. i responded beucase i don't think any of the advice was in the right direction


i'll use this analogy with the OP's issue as i think it's a perfect one, just about everyone who has ever stepped foot in a gym does this, some never stop but most do if they are serious, but when you first start going to the gym you are in there all the time and you keep dong 2-3 hour sessions and you think logically that well the more i work out the better in shape i am going to get.

whoever, anyone who goes to the gym often knows that well you don't get bigger in the gym. you get bigger when you are resting.

the gym, is nothing more than the medium that you use to tear down your muscles but you aren't getting any bigger while you are in the gym.

dealing wtih women, is no different whatsoever, at least from my experience.

what i mean is, OP, what you are trying to do is you are trying to win her over/ get her to like you while you are on the date. and i mean, you mean well but that's not how it works or how it's supposed to work.

let me put it this way.. have you ever been in a place where you saw a girl and you knew you would see her often? like maybe 1-2-3 times a week, you don't really k now her but you know enough about her where you can fantasize the rest..we've all been there at least i have. maybe you catch the car she drives and you can est. what type of job she has, maybe you have seen one of her friends and you can kinda peice together what she likes to do in her spare time..

in that situation, it's not the physical contact with her that is actually making you into her, it's going home, thinking about her, thinking about what she might be like, etc. all the contact is doing is giving you more fuel to think about, more things to add to the puzzle so to speak.


this is how you should approach dates, at least at first. give her enough to the point where she has to go go home and think about you, but not so much to where there is nothing else to think about. a good 45 min-1 hour session with her, let her talk , maybe she notices a few things about you, then leave and give her a few days to let her simmer on what she has learned about you.

say you go on a date with this chick, you are out ordering drinks, she's looking hot and she's playing it up and you are looking like a DJ you got your pimp **** on, your phone rings, you have to answer it, you say look i'm having a wonderful ie but this is a business call and i have to go handle this, my job requires me to be on call basically all the time..


lol, how can she NOT sit there and for the next 1-2 days, sit and try to figure out.. what the fvck does this dude do? **** i want to know what you do lol. and **** by now she's broken out the entire 500 piece puzzle and she's putting **** together.. hum he dresses nice so he must be a manager somewhere.. he has a cell pp hone so he might do this.


at this point, she's already baited herself. rather she wants to actually date you or not is not even of much consequence at this point, she has to figure out the pieces to the puzzle. so yeah, pretty much 9 out of 10 times at this point she's going to be anxious to setup another date.. dammit she gets more puzzle pieces lol.

now in that sense, you can see what you did wrong. you have to not only give her a puzzle to build, but you can';t make the mistake of putting it together for her which is what i get a sense that you did in the OP

 

[BeDJ]

BB, I need your expertise on my FR

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=198079

 

[Mikey C]

Backbreaker, thanks. You're right I got dragged in with the prospect of getting laid and stayed too long, thus shattering any mystery. I have been on various dates since my divorce and they were always around the hour mark and over coffee, and women I wasn't interested in phoned me back. Although I wasn't drunk on this date, I had a couple of beers and alcohol affects judgement. I suppose the longer the first date is, the more likely it is to go wrong.

Anyway, lesson learned. Qualify her on the first date, say **** all, keep it short and sweet and avoid alcohol until date 2 or three.

 

[user43770]

let me put it this way.. have you ever been in a place where you saw a girl and you knew you would see her often? like maybe 1-2-3 times a week, you don't really k now her but you know enough about her where you can fantasize the rest..we've all been there at least i have. maybe you catch the car she drives and you can est. what type of job she has, maybe you have seen one of her friends and you can kinda peice together what she likes to do in her spare time..

in that situation, it's not the physical contact with her that is actually making you into her, it's going home, thinking about her, thinking about what she might be like, etc. all the contact is doing is giving you more fuel to think about, more things to add to the puzzle so to speak.

This fvcks me every time. By thinking about them so much, I put them on a pedestal, overanalyze the approach and doom myself from the start.