dealing with pre-date jitters and coffee date tips?

[hover411]

hey gents,

this could be one of those rare occasions when one of us gets back an HB that has stung us in the past.

i got a coffee date with an HB9 that i have some history with. we dated for a while, i turned AFC, she ditched me. fast forward and a year later we are both single and meeting up again.

first date went well. dinner and a movie at my place. decent conversation, semi- cuddling (her head on my lap) during the movie, but no making out. definitely finished with good vibes although it was not my "A" game.

this next date will make or break it. i'm pretty much on the cusp of AFC'ism and novice DJ'ism, and i wanna make sure i bring the "A" game this time. my goal is obviously to build the attraction and to make her laugh and have fun.

i noticed on the first date that the conversation was a bit shaky, and that i was trying too hard to make it flow and funny.

how do you guys deal with the jitters that result in talking too fast and giving the nervous vibe?

any pointers (no matter how obvious) would be appreciated. i've read the DJ bible and stuff but some reminders would be nice.

perhaps my frame is already flawed in that i am prepping and concerned about this, but just saying "f_ck it" and not prepping seems more like a setup for failure.

thanks gents!

 

[brownbear.]

is this too obvious?

relax, don't over-anylize, shes just a woman. if it doesn't work out, what is the worst case scenario? financial ruin? extreme bodily harm? losing loved ones? explosive diarrhea?

nah, you'll just have to go find a new one.

hope this helps, good luck bro!

edit: actually saying "f#ck it" and not prepping seems like a recipe for success, as long as you are relaxed and comfortable in your own skin you will be having a good time(provided you actually like her) which means she will be having a good time(theoretically)

 

[hondo928]

For a while I'd have 2 or 3 drinks before I went on a date, took the edge off. You gotta realize she probably wants this to work just as much as you do, some girls are really good at taking any edge off. You could try my strategy, just make sure you can handle 3 drinks for all i know you could be a 1 beer queer.

 

[Sandow]

I always liked to do a light jog (or workout) before a date, it really relaxes and gets you in a good mood. And don't get coffee, opt for some tea instead or something non-caffeinated. Mentally, stop thinking so much. This is GOLDEN ADVICE: If a girl is interested in you/likes you, there is little you can do to mess things up. IT'S NOT WHAT YOU DO, IT'S WHAT YOU DON'T DO.

 

[floydtheater07]

I suggest you take a look within yourself; why are you putting so much pressure on yourself to make this woman like you?

I've learned that I can't make anyone like me, but I can take a genuine interest in people and listen to them and enjoy the company. If I am genuine, people are more likely to be interested in me, but even more important, when I'm genuine, I like myself--I'm comfortable in my own skin; I don't feel the need to impress anyone with lengthy conversations--and that means that I'm confident and fun to be around.

Listen to this right here. It's good advice. I've got anxiety disorders, and I used to get very nervous before and during dates. When I learned to just chill and enjoy myself, things got easier. Be sincerely interested with what this girl has to say. Be happy about the fact that you've done what many guys strive to do: gotten a second shot at a girl who got away. Just enjoy the date. Don't worry about whether or not it will lead to a relationship.

 

[hover411]

you guys bring up a great point!

i've been feeling like i NEED to get this girl to want me again, like i am trying to get back something she took.

i need to ditch that mindset and just enjoy our time, and not act like i have to impress or prove myself to her. i we click, cool deal. if not, no biggie.

i'll definitely post a report.

more pointers are still welcome.

 

[slaog]

Quick short term tactics for you would be to keep the date busy. Do things instead of sitting down and just chatting. Also as the other guy said try doing a bit of excerise before you go on the date. That will get of alot of nervous energy.

 

[hover411]

so i got an early text saying she had to rain-check and she would call me today.

it's now on her to get back to me. i'm gonna be genuinely indifferent and tell her she can make it up to me by cooking me dinner or something along those lines. it'll be in a cool way, not with any anger or anything. if she isn't up for it, NEXTED.

the only good thing is that if we do kick it again, i genuinely won't give a f_ck how things turn out.

i'll update after she hits me up.

any advice or thoughts is welcomed.

 

[TheRealSupreme]

STOP!!!

It's only a female. Quit putting her on a pedistal by getting peepee jitters.

Focus on getting her life story. Take a real and honest interest in her life.

What can be more simpler than that? Nothing. It turns you into a natural conversationalist.

Take the pressure of her having the pvssy off your mind and think of her as just another person. A human being.

Now slap ya self for this stupidity and give me 50 pushups.

 

[Sandow]

so i got an early text saying she had to rain-check and she would call me today.

it's now on her to get back to me. i'm gonna be genuinely indifferent and tell her she can make it up to me by cooking me dinner or something along those lines. it'll be in a cool way, not with any anger or anything. if she isn't up for it, NEXTED.

the only good thing is that if we do kick it again, i genuinely won't give a f_ck how things turn out.

i'll update after she hits me up.

any advice or thoughts is welcomed.

That's a good mindset. Remember, you don't wanna seem too available, like your just waiting around for her. Instead of saying "you can cook me dinner," say something like you have "plans with Amy that night" in a jokingly way if she tries to set up a new date.

 

[hover411]

TOTAL CRASH AND BURN!

fellas,

I went "by the book" and it totally backfired.

she called me up, i asked her how she was gonna make it up to me in a cool non-aggressive way. she plainly said that she didn't need to. i brushed it off and we chatted for a bit.

proceeded to set up another date, giving her the days that i could work with. the kicker and killer on the deal was when i said, "let's pick a date we can stick with". indifference here was a bad thing. she said it was messed up because i didn't even know why she canceled. (she never said, and i wasn't gonna ask like an insecure AFC). once she pointed out that she was dealing with medical bills and other stuff i felt like sh-t and apologized.

so she says that she has to check her schedule and i told her to give me a call if she could make it.

after 15 minutes i get an email where she basically WENT OFF about why she wasn't gonna see me anymore.

here is the part about time constraints....

"When you have wanted to make plans with me, you have given me days and deadlines to meet that work with YOUR schedule...otherwise I will miss the ******* boat. I don't jump when you say jump. I have alot going on in my life and my schedule is not any less important than yours. You are showing up as very self indulgent."

among other things, she pointed out that i have a tendency to be bossy, which i'll accept as a fault of mine and work on it.

what totally boggles me is that i was ditched for being AFC, (always available, always answering the phone, being negative, etc) but when i turn up the juice it totally backfires. i wanna say this is partially my fault for the bossiness, but also just the timing of what she is going through.

this is one girl that time constraints, indifference, and any negs will NOT work on.

i can go into this more if you guys are interested, but getting dissed a 2nd time doesn't feel any better. And I've got noone to blame but myself.

 

[slaog]

There is only guidlines for dating women. When you ask her things like "how will you make it up to me" it's supposed to be in a joking way. If you were nervous and sounded serious then naturally she wouldn't have liked it. And because you apologised to her I'm guessing that it wasn't a friendly, humourous conversation.


Having said all of that, it sounds like she has a bad attitude too.

 

[hover411]

REPAIRED

so i went against the DJ code and went AFC after she told me off. i figured i had nothing to lose so f_ck it.

she had left a very lengthy f_ck off email, so i knew that this meant a lot to her, and that if i responded back to clear things up she shouldn't be thinking creepy....
---------------------------
she had totally cut me out and ended with...

"With that said...meeting up is not feasible.

Have safe travels and I know you'll continue to excel in your career. Sorry it had to end this way but "it is, what it is"...for real."
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so i hit her back up and pretty much spilled the guts. not any of the "i love you bs", but just trying to clarify that i wasn't trying to come off as an a-hole.

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before you all laugh me off the forum....

she responded positively,

"I appreciate your multiple attempts to rectify this and I also appreciate where you have taken ownership of your words and actions and voiced your concerns to me as well.............."
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we're on cool terms now, where before we had lost complete touch. i'm cool with this as we don't even live in the same town and she is a good person. some of you may say that she just said that to get me off her back, but i disagree, as i told her i would leave it at that in my last communication.

take from it what you will, but i wanted to share this to show that the tactics will not work on everyone. you gotta look at each situation as unique.

 

[Mr_rogers]

Just a guess here, but I think your mistake might have been not asking what kept her when you were scheduled to meet up. There's no need to press the girl for details, just show some interest in her life.

So you open up with the usual "Hey, how's it goin'?" and all that. Then asking something like, "So what happened Tuesday (example)? Nothing too serious, I hope?"

It's a simple question that shows that you've taken an interest (however casual) in her life, but is unlikely to make her feel uncomfortable since you're not pressing her for details about something that could very well be personal.

 

[hover411]

mr_rogers,

you are spot on with that. she never apologized in the text or when she left a message when she called me back. her indifference there about a simple apology, lead me to think that if i showed concern, and not indifference back, would show weakness on my part. it was like i was not going to hold her accountable for cancelling.

however, just simply asking, then holding her accountable if it was justified, was the right way to do things.

we discussed this and i acknowledged this was mymistake.

 

[hover411]

UPDATE:

so after I left town, she texts me asking if i arrived safe. we end up texting and emailing quite a bit, on the average of every other day. talked a couple times.

i used push/pull mentality, not always initiating conversations. to my delight, she hit me up after new year's curious what i was up to. this let me know her interest level is definitely there.

so now i am back in town for a day and have set up a lunch date with her tomorrow.

the game plan is obvious, HAVE FUN.
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my question is...

should i be bold and kiss-open, or look for the kiss close? my gut feeling is pretty much 50/50.

she's an ex, and the first time we hung out after re-meeting we didn't kiss although we got good kino. i definitely don't want to get friend-zoned.

 

[Vice]

All I can say about the jitters is to not fight them. Appreciate the fact that you found a woman that's worthy of making you have that kind of reaction.

And deal with the reaction. It's normal. Talk to her, get comfortable in your seat, and lean back and relax.

 

[Dust 2 Dust]

So, what happened?

 

[WhtRbt]

This woman has you in the palm of her hand and you're acting like a little b*tch