Dealing with depression

[Colossus]

I rarely post my personal problems here, but I have struggling a lot lately with depression. It’s a bit paradoxical, because I’m not exactly at a low point in my life in terms of goals and self-improvement. I’m about halfway through my medical masters in a tough program that I really busted my ass to get into. Provided I keep up the diligence I have a challenging, well-paying career ahead of me. My lifting is going better than ever and I’m currently the biggest and strongest I’ve ever been. I’m also working through some personal baggage that I’ve been carrying for a long time.

Problem is, I can’t shake this sense of desolation. I’ve got a few good buddies to hang out with which definitely helps, but at the end of the day I’m just freaking lonely as hell. It’s a tough thing to talk about when you’re a grown man, because it’s not only embarrassing but it’s really not a problem anyone wants to hear about. So I just learned to sort of suffer patiently. But it eats away at me. I’ve been in this rut for a long time where I have what I call the “sh!t touch”. Like the opposite of the Midas touch, where everything I touch with women turns to sh!t, lol. I’m a bit isolated in terms of social circumstance; so I do what I can—the online thing, and a few cold approaches here and there, but it’s just been rejection after rejection after rejection. I had a few meaningless lays last fall but that’s been it. To make matters worse, my old oneitis makes sporadic contact with me, and naturally being at a point of weakness I entertain thoughts of redemption with her, which is obviously not good for my mental health.

So in short I’m asking if anyone else ever goes through spells like this. I know the easy forum answer is to spin more plates, work on yourself, etc, etc…but this isn’t a lack of effort problem. If I had plates to spin I would be spinning them! Just in really low valley right now. Thanks guys.

 

[Traveller2011]

What you are going through is normal. I am going through a divorce from a four year relationship with my BPD wife. I have nobody but my friends and family to lean on. I have a great career, make good money, own my own home etc, but it all means nothing to me without someone I care about to share it with.

You sound like you have your act together, so start projecting that. I know right now I am projecting that I am a wounded animal. Maybe you are too. You know what we'll attract projecting that? BPD train wrecks. They may be younger and hot, but they are vampires. Do not fall into their trap.

I know its a cliche, but continue improving yourself, try to have fun and do stuff with friends and family. Join clubs that focus on things you like to do and meet women that have a purpose in life outside of their appearance in the mirror.

Write down what you want in a woman and give it to God. Hide it in a book somewhere, maybe a Bible.

 

[PokerStar]

you are not alone on this one.

It happens to everyone. Some more then others. When I get depressed I take it day by day and I think about all those other dudes who have it worse then I do.

I know I know it doesnt give instant satisfaction, but its better then sulking or complaining about it.

And Colussus, you are one of few people on this forum who I look forward to reading your posts. Be strong broo, you have a number of sosuave posters that look up to you and we got your back!!

 

[5string]

I have been there. First of all, I think it's ok to put women on the back burner. In the end, none of us really need em anyway when you think about it. Heck, if my wife got hit by a truck, I could honestly forget them altogether. But, easy for me to say as I'm quite a bit older. Put them secondary in your life.

In the latter stages of my first marriage, I was really lonely and became depressed. It was bad. Could only do so much around the house and such. I started spending more time at my cabin in the mountains with my dog, fishing, exploring and generally enjoying a new environment. So there is something that helped me. I removed myself from the environment that was causing my loneliness and depression. Might work for you. I hope so.

Stay NC with the ol oneitis. Nuff said there.

I also found when I spend too much time on the PC at home, that can depress me. You get up from the darn thing, and wonder where the time went.

So Colossus....try maybe to change your environment and make sure to maintain your friendships (very important). As far as the gals go, you don't have to spin em constantly. Put that aside for later. Nothing wrong with that.

Everyone has their peaks and valleys. You are no different.

You'll be fine.

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

It required courage for you to air your concerns here. For that, I commend you.

I believe that we are most susceptible to depression when we want for a definite chief aim in life. In the absence of a major purpose, we are susceptible to any and all various outside forces that serve to distract and depress us. A man may be likened to a vessel, and a vessel with a definite destination will not be weighed down by all the "dead weight" of a vessel without a destination: aimlessness, hopelessness, despair and hostility.

I have a crude rendering of a pyramid on my wall, with the very top of the pyramid shaded in dark, with a halo around it. The body of the pyramid is filled with words and phrases that represent all the bs that distracts us on the road of life-social connivances, competing with others in meaningless and vain pursuits, entertainment, various wastes of time and energy. The pinnacle of the pyramid represents what really matters to me and what I am aiming for-a life of wealth, success, contribution to humanity, and freedom from all the triviality beneath it. Looking upon this illustration reminds me of what is really important and serves to temper my resolve, thus making stronger my faith that I shall prevail.

It is as though there is an unseen guide in this life, whose sole purpose is to test us through the many trials we encounter. Those who continually walk the path of righteousness, though beset by all kinds of inequity and strife, eventually arrive at the conclusion of their trial, and this unseen guide sais, "You shall pass." And then we are introduced to our real selves, the person we become by way of the resistance we have encountered along the way. That which is for our pruning is also for our growth, but it requires a deeper knowledge and a stronger character to see our struggles as assets of incomparable value, while we are struggling.

Men are created in foundries of struggle, pain, hopelessness, and loss. If you can find comfort and strength in the fact that you are indeed being made, right now, you will already be halfway there. To smile in the face of evil, who would dishearten and distract you on your path, is to become worthy of the greater happiness we all seek.

 

[KarmaSutra]

Brother Colossus, this is something every man needs.

The worst problem in Western culture is our complete lack of guidance from a Shaman or Village Elder. We have no tangible method, through ritual, to acend from boyhood to manhood.

What you're entering is your abyss. This is the time in your life when you have to confront your inner child and slay him.

Desolation, isolation, feeling as if you're free falling endlessly; are feelings of want. You want something but don't know what it is, or how to get it.

Unfortunately, you'll need to do this on your own. We Brothers who've been in your exact same spot (all of us who've elevated to the next level of maturity and masculine potential) will help you in your journey.

Our experience, as a collective, are a wonderful tool for Brothers in need.

 

[Zunder]

Yes great stuff Julius Seizeher.

I can not be quite as articulate as that.

Wha I can say is that people who have not had depression, and I don't just mean feeling sad for a few days - I am talking about crippling depression where even the most trivial tasks take a mammoth effort, where getting through the next 60 seconds is a struggle, let alone 24 hours....unless you have had that real depression then it is hard to really understand what the person is going through.

I am going through it at the moment colussus. By the way - depression can strike anyone, the wealthy, the famous ...anyone.

Most people reaction to someone who admits they have depression is that they should "harden up".
This is the worst piece of advice for the truly depressed. I can tell you hearing that I should "harde up" has zero effect on me.

Julius makes a great point about those wanting for a purpose/aim in life being particularily susceptible to depression...or at least I think that is what he was meaning.
For me...I know what I want to do but I am all over the place trying to figure out how to get there.
But...and this is the strange part....I actually know what to do, which is to get a single minded focus...like an athlete training to win a gold medal at the olympics...only this is for a much longer part of your life.
I know this, yet it takes a brave man to basically blot out all the bvllsh!t that most of life is...including women. Also finding pleasure in other things while you work on your main goal is a must.
I am not there yet, and I don't have any answers for you sorry - but I know exactly where you are coming from.

 

[Desire]

Here is something interesting from a modern "shaman":


http://www.healyourinnerchild.com/

Dance of the wounded souls
Robert Burney

 

[saber]

I was in the same situation. Living alone, had a few friends and was mostly single.

For me it was moving into a place with other people living there. It just helps having people around when you get home for the day.

 

[Warrior74]

Yah it can be a bytch. When you most need to get up and make something happen you got no energy.

Just remember not to do anything stupid, like blowing off your job, friends, girl, or doing substances to relieve your mood.

 

[Colossus]

Wow, thanks for the support guys. I half-expected to get flamed but your replies have been really helpful. I am definitely in a wilderness of sorts and there is some serious confrontations happening with my past self. I am going to keep trudging through...I cant just lay down and die.

 

[Falcon25]

You know what Colossus, this shivt hit me last week. I never share my feelings or problems but I too was concerned and wanted to share some thoughts. What triggered mine was joining Facebook for God's sake's. I saw somethings on there that really got me down and made me feel terrible. I felt like I was behind all others, that no matter what I have done with women, I'm still waking up alone (Entirely my fault with the decisions I have made) I pushed away so many good women and friends because of my stupid attitude that it makes me feel isolated and lonely. Even though I have plenty of friends and can lay women. I will discuss this later but just know that with men, sometimes this happens. It goes away and comes and goes. If it becomes chronic (lasting more than six months) I would seek advice of a medical professional. PM me if needed.

 

[squirrels]

I'm glad I'm not the only one, man.

I'm sitting here right now trying to figure out something to do with myself. I went on a nice 2-mile hike today with this cute little number I've been banging on and off, but the truth is I just don't really connect with her. Most of my "friends" are off doing what I call "playing house", they're either married or moved in with women and they don't care to do anything but work and muddle themselves in "home life". We used to hang out all the time and talk sh!t, go out to eat, or even stay in and play video games. Now...God, why are people stupid?

It makes it tough when you're the only one you know that's "single" and everyone else looks at it like you've got some kind of disease because you want to keep enjoying life and all they want to do is cuddle up on the damned couch and watch Gray's Anatomy.

It's hard in this season especially, because it gets dark at 5:30. In the summer, I can find a bar or nightclub somewhere with an outdoor bar, sit out in the cool summer breeze, sipping on a girly drink and watching the girlies. Now I just feel like hibernating. Nothing to do outside...can't get on the bike, can't go out and do anything sporting, etc...

I don't regret my lifestyle...I enjoy being single and free and hungry for stuff to do, for experiences in life. I love the ability to be spontaneous, to make decisions on-the-fly. What I DO regret is that the longer I hold out from "settling down" and becoming a drone who goes to work and then spends his time doing whatever boring crap a steady chick would want to do, the more alone I feel.

It's no small wonder, man, that when you feel like this you want to just run back to your ex and accept all the BS that she caused in your life, just to have someone act like they care about being close to you.

The whole time you're in her arms, you'll be wondering on what you're missing, and what downside you're accruing by spending time with her instead of being free, but "at least you won't be alone".

It's sad...it really is.

I feel you though, man. When it gets dark out and I don't have anyone to distract me from thought, I start musing on life and death, about the limited time we have on this earth and whether I can wrap my head around the idea of a world where I'll no longer be alive...because eventually that's what'll be here. It makes it sometimes feel like nothing is worth doing. All the toiling we do to make something of ourselves...for what? The impermanence of it all. Some people feel like marrying and breeding allows them to "carry a legacy", but there are no "legacies" any more. You'll be forgotten in 4 or 5 generations...your great great grandkids will become people you wish didn't exist.

I dunno...you gotta keep busy. That's all I can say. Being engaged in life, seeing/doing new things, that kind of takes your mind off your own state and opens it to new possibilities...which I've always thought is the reason we're born...to experience as much as possible.

You're not alone, though, man.

Spring will help. Try to get some sun when you can...get outside and feel the sun. It helps. When it gets dark, don't sit idle. Find something to do. Read. Write. Exercise. Do something. If you don't have anything to do, go to bed and wake up the next day.

Other than that...don't try to focus on/fight against the depression. If you focus on it, it makes it that much more powerful. Instead, acknowledge that you feel kind of crummy, then keep doing whatever it is you want to do. Without you focusing on it and empowering it, it will eventually fade.

Don't look to "love" to fix this for you. If you do, you will find a cute but hollow girl and you will live together in each other's content-but-miserable company. You don't want that fate. I know I don't.

And there's always meds. There's no shame in that approach. I've thought about it myself a couple of times. Even got the scrip one time. I just worry that with this Arizona thing that people with "mental disabilities" are going to get targeted and I don't want to be considered a second-class citizen/terrorist threat because some doc once wrote me a scrip for SSRIs. But that's me tinfoil-hatting.

The most important thing is not to focus on it. Stay busy as much as possible. Hang in there, man. You're not alone. Not at all.

 

[Atom Smasher]

This is an excellent thread. I hope more guys chip in.

I get visited by the Black Dog a few times a year and it is hell on earth. Anyone who has experienced this knows that there is simply no way under the sun to "decide" or "will" your way out of it.

I think that the two best antidotes for depression are having a definite destination or purpose in life as Julius says, and also maintaining social contacts. Perhaps they are also both preventive in nature, too.

Personally I am having a struggle with needing a major change in my career but I have no idea what to pursue. I run a small service-based business. The thrill is gone, business is dwindling down, and I seem to have lost the mojo for finding new business.

I know that I'll snap out of the doldrums when I find a new purpose, and I suppose these are just seasons in our lives that really can't be avoided for many of us. If anyone has some good links to resources that are helpful for men to redefine their lives, please post them.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Colossus, first off, just like to thank you for your contributions to this site. Especially all your weightlifting advise, you've helped a lot guys.

Also, reconsider thinking that you are dealing with depression. You have a lot of things going on in life, a lot of great goals, that you are working towards. Folks that have depression, usually don't have so many great things going for them.

Life has ups and downs, for all of us. A lot of us can relate to that.

What helps me, is to remove myself from the influences of media, don't have facebook, or any of that crap. I don't even own a TV.

What I've found, is a feeling of being completely content. I don't need anyone, or any 'thing', to be happy.

It's finding a balance between always working towards a better future...and enjoying each day for the simple things we do, such as deadlifting. Taking something old and restoring it, a restoration 'project'. A good cup of coffee in the morning, and enjoying both the sunrise and sunset. A full active day, in between.

Working your ass of towards something, whatever it is, and enjoying the rewards of success.

Accept that life has it's ups and downs, just accept that, and be content with it.

My two bits.

 

[Scaramouche]

Stuff up....

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Colossus,
Firstly,can I say how much I have appreciated your contributions to this forum,in the Medical Field,particularly on STD's.....You are very valuable to have around,and not just for the young guys,I have learned a lot from you....I have never suffered from Depression,Ever....This is I think Genetic,no great credit to me....But just look at a couple of depressives...two in my culture that spring to mind....Churchill,he admitted once that "The Old Black Dog(Depression)visits often"He was in such states for a fortnight at a time!!!....but when Britain Stood alone,and many great and principled Nations chose to look the Other way,Churchill with only 40 operational Tanks,and five fully equipped Divisions,against c3500 German Tanks,and 105 Divisions,even when offered the most amazingly generous terms,by Hitler,stood by his principles.....Like you he was a Dichotomy....Robert Clive,sat and pulled the trigger on a Pistol he had aimed at his head,it misfired,he went on to create the Foundations of the Indian Empire,finest Jewel in the Dowager Empress' Crown....No mate the finest diamonds often have a flawed facet,live with it,certainly until you have secured your internship.

 

[Interceptor]

Brother, youre not alone.
Its about managing, and coping.
Its about maintaining self discipline to take care of yourself when no one appears to give a sh*t.

Theres no easy answer or solution.

But I wold suggest, as Wayne Dyer does, to cultivate the Spiritual Dimension.


You have to just try to do the things you find fun and interesting to you.

And you have to work on finding fulfillment in the things you enjoy.



The stuff youre talking about are things that a lot of men dont express because of the fear of being ridiculed for being weak.
Its not being weak.
It is real. And yes, it does affect men too. Yes, (gasp) men have feelings too.


Life is managed, not cured.



Good luck.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Colossus,
Since sending my last Mail,I have received one of my own.....Long ago I realised that many things that happen in life are the result of some form of Metaphysical intervention...this latest Missif,is I feel for some one other than me,perhaps you?
“And though history has made us self-conscious in order to enhance our survival prospects, we still have deep impulses to erase the skull lines in our head and become immersed directly in the river. I’ve come to think that flourishing consists of putting yourself in situations in which you lose self-consciousness and become fused with other people, experiences, or tasks. It happens sometimes when you are lost in a hard challenge, or when an artist or a craftsman becomes one with the brush or the tool. It happens sometimes while you’re playing sports, or listening to music or lost in a story, or to some people when they feel enveloped by God’s love. And it happens most when we connect with other people. I’ve come to think that happiness isn’t really produced by conscious accomplishments. Happiness is a measure of how thickly the unconscious parts of our minds are intertwined with other people and with activities. Happiness is determined by how much information and affection flows through us covertly every day and year.”

 

[Hikapo]

Wow, stay strong man.

I never thought so many men have problems like that.