Coping With The Past

[Lateralus]

Getting out of the comfort zone more often takes a lot of energy. I notice problems caused by negative thoughts that pop up everytime I try to get somewhere. The biggest problem I'm facing for many years is not about money, status, not being able to have a conversation with strangers or any technique. It is a mental barrier that I find very hard to fight to.

Picture this. What if you were not popular at all in high school, you were not able to get many girls, you did all kind of lame **** (being a hardcore gamer, watching porn every night, avoiding a lot of social things, etc.) when you had the age that was supposed the be the greatest time of your life?

And then, by the age of 18, you realize what a AFC creature you are. No self-esteem, no self-respect, a tiny social circle... So you find a website called sosuave.com and try to change everything! And it works. People start to react on these changes: new friends come into your life who want to hang out with you. Girls start to get more interested too. You never change back to AFC land! EVER! Of course not, because being that ****y jerk is so much better...

But there's still something not genuine about it. Especially when people around you are talking about their high school times... They will never believe at all that you were kind of a lonely shy guy, back then. Actually, everyone you have met after 19, would say you must have been a bully or some kind of tough guy.

The past keeps following me every step I take. 8 years later!! Although I have put it away for the outside world for a long time. My ex-girlfriend has never heard one word from me about myself in highschool for 5,5 years, because I never talk about it. She thinks I was the ****y guy back then that I am now. Even my younger brothers have never known about this, 'cause I have always acted a bit tough in their presence and they have looked up to me.

This dark past still causes me feelings of social anxiety. When people like having me around, laughing at my jokes, recognizing I am a jerk (in a fun way), I sometimes feel like I'm fooling them. Then, I even feel I do not have the right to be like this, 'cause the past is telling me I'm still that high school kid. It is holding me back in everything I do. When I see a jerk or popular guy from highschool I disliked back then, even if it's a photo or something, I instantly get these negative feelings.

Do you guys know this kind of thing? Do you have any tips to cope with the past?

 

[squirrels]

You have old thought habits. You can't just "kill them off"...you need thoughts to replace them or to change their interpretation. Fighting a habitual thought outright just energizes it.

Next time one of those thoughts comes up, put a wrapper on it. When the thought, "I'm such a dork" springs up out of habit, recognize it and wrap it with, "damn, isn't it amazing how much I've evolved as a person since then?"

 

[DropZone3]

Have you tried any NLP books to help you re-frame limiting beliefs?

I own: Introducing NLP: Psychological Skills for Understanding and Influencing People by Joseph O'Connor.

Next time you get those negative feelings from the past past, remind yourself of how much you have grown and improve yourself. Tap yourself on the back for taking charge of yourself.
Remember, you got out of the comfort zone and that takes courage.

 

[zekko]

My ex-girlfriend has never heard one word from me about myself in highschool for 5,5 years, because I never talk about it.

Who the heck cares about high school?
I haven't thought about high school in 32 years.

 

[Warrior74]

We all have ghost in our past. But they are just that, ghost. And they can only hurt you when you choose to give them negative attention. The past just is. It can't be changed, it can only be understood as a part of the road that got you were you are today. You can learn from it, you can ignore it, but you can't live in it.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

There's a Chinese proverb that asks,

"When is the best time to plant a tree?"
"30 years ago."

"When is the second best time?"
"Now"

 

[Strelok]

Lateralus there is nothing wrong with you and the fact that you changed confirms it,keep in mind that whatever we are while kids or in high school is almost totally the result of our family and environment.

The real YOU appear only after you had the time to discover who you are and act,most of those guys who were popular in high school probably just had a better environment than yours,more supportive parents or simply a better look in that moment.

Damn even Napoleon was a lonely shy kid and the target of jokes but guess what,in few years he was the alpha male of the world.

 

[samspade]

You're not fooling anyone - you've just changed. If someone asks what you were like in high school, just say, "hey, I was kind of a dork back then. I didn't open up til I graduated." As long as you're true to yourself and what you want, everything's okay.

I'd argue that you're truer to yourself today than you were in high school. You probably were frustrated because of your shyness, lack of success with women, small social circle, etc. You may have even dislike yourself because of this. If you're happier today, then you must be honoring your wants and needs better than you used to. So....you were "fooling" people (and yourself) back when you were an AFC/dork.

The big myth about DJ and game is that you're pretending to be someone you're not. It's utter B.S. You're actually working toward being the man you want to be. The AFC who denies his sexual appetites and attitudes, who suppresses his masculine behaviors and ingratiates himself to females as a disingenuous pseudo-friend, HE is the one pretending to be someone he's not. He's a liar and a fraud and a phony.

 

[Jitterbug]

And here I was thinking you did some jail time or something serious. Build a bridge, mate.

 

[Interceptor]

So youre feeling like a fake?


Well, you know that this all stems from needing approval and acceptance. Which means you have deep rooted insecurity issues.

Youve got to go inside and find out why you feel somehow not up to snuff, and not 'as good as other people'.

What do you feel youre lacking?

What do you see other people have that you want, and that you dont have??

How important is having a fake self image as opposed to being genuinely who you really are?

You have to really, truly realize that you DO have Worth. You have Value. And ...guess what? A LOT of people will NOT see it. You WILL be misunderstood, unappreciated, and under valued, brother.
You have to cope with these facts.
But creating the fake persona is not the answer.
And being an arrogant person to try to 'get back' at others for whatever harm one may have received from people growing up is not the answer. Living with resentment and retribution is not healthy.
And not developing your true talents and your own true Personality is a disservice to yourself and your growth.



What would be the worst case scenario if you just acted like yourself and not the made up fake ****y persona you created?


You have to pinpoint these things before going any further. Once you've identified this stuff, then you will start making realizations about your feelings about them.

Like, what are your values?

do you value a woman who is real and genuine with you, with all her flaws?
or do you value a woman who is always pretending and not being genuine, hiding herself from you?


If you value that a person you care about be genuine with you, that you can accept them even with their faults, then you have to understand that there are women that have that same value.
And...you may find these women. And...you may find them attractive and ask them out. And..they may not want to , because theres something not genuine about you. And they pick it up.


How much do you value this fake self image you are trying so hard to maintain versus who you'd really like to just be?


Look, obviously this is not working.
Identify that you are tired of the bs and want to be the BEST you that you can BE.
WHAT are the components that this Ideal You would have?



And understand that this 'new' You will disappoint some people, and will not be accepted by everyone.

And find that inner strength to handle not being liked, man.


I hope this helps a little.
Good luck.

 

[ajay]

you need to drop this complex about your high school past...it's just as irrational as remembering stuff you did at an even earlier age and thnking you're being fake because you don't play cowboys and indians anymore. You've grown up and developed...well done...that's exactly what's supposed to happen.

 

[runner83]

The big myth about DJ and game is that you're pretending to be someone you're not. It's utter B.S. You're actually working toward being the man you want to be. The AFC who denies his sexual appetites and attitudes, who suppresses his masculine behaviors and ingratiates himself to females as a disingenuous pseudo-friend, HE is the one pretending to be someone he's not. He's a liar and a fraud and a phony.

F*ck the past!

Learn what you must from it, but move on.

Don't waste time thinking about the loser you used to be...instead focus on the winner you are working towards being.

 

[KarmaSutra]

How important is having a fake self image as opposed to being genuinely who you really are?

Brother Interceptor still bringing the soldiers to the war.

Excellent.

 

[Lateralus]

Hey guys, looks like I deserted my own thread. Thanks a lot for your great replies. The reason I wasn't on sosuave for a while, was simply because I have been sick for some days and forgot about it.

Being sick, laying in your bed makes you even think more about bad things. So I have been a little down last few days too. I really want to break with the past, and at the same time I indeed have some deep rooted insecurity issues. Some great deep rooted fears, that make my life miserable sometimes. I actually think now the past isn't holding me back, but the fear is and those fears I have built up (or refused to fight against) in the past.
I used to be a goddamn *****. And deep inside, I still think I am a wuss in some situations.

 

[Lateralus]

@ Interceptor:

I think I lack balls. Balls to have some real discipline, to be more assertive, to confront when I have to.

The worst case scenario are confrontations, in which everyone might see I am a kind of scared person. It happened to me before, 2 years ago. I had a confrontation when I was in an internship at a foundation working with refugees. Some tend to be aggressive. A guy was pushing to come inside the office, but the consultation hours were already over. He started getting aggressive, and I got some kind of anxiety attack. It was horrible! There I was: the ****y guy, humiliated because he got scared by some aggressive mother****er. It was one of the worst moments of my life, and it felt that I didn't have any control over myself. I felt unmasked that day and humiliated because a girl asked me like I was a child: 'Ahh...were you scared?'

It hit me: all my life I have been affraid of confrontation. I try to avoid it mostly or drinking beer, so I am not scared anymore.

So everytime I get in some kind of confrontation... on the street or in the supermarket... I'm already feeling the tensions of fear through my body. Not because I am affraid of some person, but because I am affraid that everyone sees what a wuss I actually am.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Law 25: Re-Create Yourself
Do not accept the roles that society foists on you. Re-create yourself by forging a new identity, one that commands attention and never bores the audience. Be the master of your own image rather than letting others define it for you. Incorporate dramatic devices into your public gestures and actions— your power will be enhanced and your character will seem larger than life.


You are who YOU say you are. Personality is not static; you are not the same person you were 1, 5 or 10 years ago.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Lateralus,
our old mate Squirrels wrote this..."You have old thought habits. You can't just "kill them off"...you need thoughts to replace them or to change their interpretation. Fighting a habitual thought outright just energizes it"......
He is just so right,but the only way to kick one obsession is to sublimate it under another.Here Success tends to breed success....So get out there and have a bit of fun.

 

[Pair A Dice]

There's a Chinese proverb that asks,

"When is the best time to plant a tree?"
"30 years ago."

"When is the second best time?"
"Now"

This is absolutely fantastic advice. Thanks so much for posting this. Makes a hell of a lot of sense.

 

[hithard]

@ Interceptor:

I think I lack balls. Balls to have some real discipline, to be more assertive, to confront when I have to.

The worst case scenario are confrontations, in which everyone might see I am a kind of scared person. It happened to me before, 2 years ago. I had a confrontation when I was in an internship at a foundation working with refugees. Some tend to be aggressive. A guy was pushing to come inside the office, but the consultation hours were already over. He started getting aggressive, and I got some kind of anxiety attack. It was horrible! There I was: the ****y guy, humiliated because he got scared by some aggressive mother****er. It was one of the worst moments of my life, and it felt that I didn't have any control over myself. I felt unmasked that day and humiliated because a girl asked me like I was a child: 'Ahh...were you scared?'

It hit me: all my life I have been affraid of confrontation. I try to avoid it mostly or drinking beer, so I am not scared anymore.

So everytime I get in some kind of confrontation... on the street or in the supermarket... I'm already feeling the tensions of fear through my body. Not because I am affraid of some person, but because I am affraid that everyone sees what a wuss I actually am.

Therapy... Nah go Box or MMA and spar with the jerks and tell your trainer to yell at you.

You have the image just not the character. You know you can build the character on more solid foundations. You are not confined to being the same person as you were in high school. But what exactly do you want out of your life? Change takes some effort on your part.

 

[Mxrider01]

I was the same person in high school. The Nerdy stay in type who didn't have many friends and no real social circle to speak of. I had a lot of trouble making friends and keeping them because of my lower status.

Now that I think back on it, it was 13 years ago! I have grown so much and become such a better person since then, it’s really hard for people now to recognize me. It’s amazing to me and others how much I have developed and matured into a man worthy of so much. I look back on the past and my experiences as just that, experiences that shaped me into the confident man I am today.

That’s what I tell people, that yeah I was a “dork” back in the day. What matters is that you have grown since then.