Conversational skills lacking

[HardLeftHook]

This has been kicking my ass for years. I'm just a horrible conversationalist. I understand. This is to both men and women. My brain just collapses and I'm incredibly awkward with one on one conversation. It's probably nervousness. Its ironic I'm a great public speaker and am more comfortable in that field.

I have more confidence than before, and I'm doing more things with my life, but this is my main stumbling block.

 

[kingxxxman]

mmm love to hear more as well.

 

[PapiChulo]

Not enough confidence still. Are you like that with every one, even with friends? Because it does sound like anxiety to me.

 

[War Against Betaism]

Read the book "How to Make Great Conversation and Small Talk" by Sean McPheat. Here's an excerpt:

Are you one of those people who meets someone new for the first time, you get past the “Hello” and then a tumbleweed breezes across the floor?! If so, you are not alone. Meeting people for the first time and striking up conversations can be a very daunting task, but it need not be the case. If you understand all about other people and how they like to communicate and what they like to talk about, then striking up a conversation can be an enjoyable experience. Honestly! Here’s how. The problem with meeting new people or people who you do not know very well is that you tend to find that you put yourself under pressure to talk.

YOU PROBABLY ASK YOURSELF:
What should I talk about?
What shall I say?
How will I fill this silence in the conversation?

You enter into these meetings and encounters with ME ME ME on your mind! You forget about communicating with the other person because you are too busy thinking of what to say! In fact you don’t end up communicating you just end up taking it in turns talking! Let me tell you something now that may shock you. The best conversationalists in this world are the best listeners NOT the best talkers. In fact, the person who says the least is often the best communicator yet you are there racking your brains thinking of things to say all of the time! It took me years to finds this out and it would have saved me a lot of time and heartache if only I had known it sooner! Having said that this is the BEST tip I could ever give you if you want to be an excellent communicator
= BECOME AN EXPERT LISTENER

Let me explain why. When you become an expert listener is means that the other person is doing most of the talking. When you go into a situation where you are meeting someone for the first time, meeting a business associate or need to start a conversation go into
that encounter with only one thing on your mind – THEM. You must treat that person as they are the most important person in the
world, because to them they are! To build up rapport and to engage in a conversation ask questions and be intrigued about the other person not you.

So, what do you talk to the other person about? Well, like I said before, you don’t! You let them do most of the talking and by doing this they will think that you walk on water and will in turn ask about you and that’s when YOU talk!

 

[PapiChulo]

Listening is good if it is the woman you listen to. You won't keep attention of a man if you dont have anything insightful or entertaining to say.

Most people are already pretty keen on "listening" and "pulling conversations out of the butt", if two try to listen-somebody has gotta talk at some point, and better say something interesting or observant. Sadly,the majority of people are boring....and their problems are boring...opinions boring, lives in general boring...

This concept is also biased toward western understandings of what a conversation is. That won't work in most European countries.

 

[War Against Betaism]

Listening is good if it is the woman you listen to. You won't keep attention of a man if you dont have anything insightful or entertaining to say.

Most people are already pretty keen on "listening" and "pulling conversations out of the butt", if two try to listen-somebody has gotta talk at some point, and better say something interesting or observant. Sadly,the majority of people are boring....and their problems are boring...opinions boring, lives in general boring...

This concept is also biased toward western understandings of what a conversation is. That won't work in most European countries.

That's just the foundation of it; of course there's more to it than that, but I find it that this is what a majority of people who come to this site are having the utmost trouble with. From my experience being on this site for close to 4 years, the most common problems people run into is "what to say next", "I got stuck with nothing to say", "I don't know how to extend the conversation." Of course though you can't have a conversation with someone coming off like you're an interviewer, that much is obvious.

 

[kingsam]

RSD Brad has some great stuff on convosation threading ... goolge him its on his blog somewhere,

i will find the link later when i have time

 

[ethan350z]

think less... talk more... say the most randomest sh*t that's on your mind... Just stop thinking... right NOW!

 

[everywomanshero]

What I suggest you do is get a job talking to people. If you already have a good job or career path, don't quit to do this, but if you're looking anyway take a job selling things. 8 hours a day of talking to people will definitely help you find conversational rhythm.

Otherwise you need to focus less on what you're going to say, that will just mess you up, and more about how you say it.
-Are you looking the other person in the face
-Do you use a firm but not over the top handshake
- Do you use natural (not faked) head nods and such to show them you're listening and understanding

When you spend cognitive resources obsessing about what to say, you don't have enough left to focus on what's going on in front of you. Nervousness makes things even worse. Best thing to do is relax.

 

[Duracell_Bunny]

think less... talk more... say the most randomest sh*t that's on your mind... Just stop thinking... right NOW!

No no no, I don't think he should be thinking less. It helped me out to start thinking differently. Instead of daydreaming of things like this:

This has been kicking my ass for years. I'm just a horrible conversationalist. I understand. This is to both men and women. My brain just collapses and I'm incredibly awkward with one on one conversation. It's probably nervousness. Its ironic I'm a great public speaker and am more comfortable in that field.

I have more confidence than before, and I'm doing more things with my life, but this is my main stumbling block.

...he should be thinking of subjects that occur in everyday conversation, his interests, currents goings on, what happened all over his last week or so and what not. This helped me out considerably and helped me be more in the mind of people around me, rather than being so distant.

Conversation skills are just very basic and easy things to learn, its really the content and picking up on the subjects and keywords that people say. If someone doesn't wanna talk about something, they simply don't mention it. If you notice they keep bringing something up or a particular topic, pick up on it, they clearly have a desire to speak about it.

It also helps to ask about what the other person actually WANTS to talk about or has a huge passion about. HardLeftHook I'm sure you can think of something that you could just go on about for hours and hours. You need to be talking to other people about something they are so passionate about and that they can talk about for hours, you will have problems ending the convo. Oh yeah, if your passionate about the same thing too you have an instant winner!

That's why its always good to meet new people at clubs etc.

 

[Thatsalotoffish]

Do kino? Just start a playful fight or somethin and make the girl giggle like a squirrel

 

[freshprince]

I am pleased that HardLeftHook brought up this thread. Your not the only 1 who has this problem, i forgone have the same exact problem u do and hope this thread will also help me in the process. I try talking to different women occasionally on my campus but i sometimes still do suck on one on one conversations like u do.
Anywho glad u posted this thread mate

 

[kingsam]

I am pleased that HardLeftHook brought up this thread. Your not the only 1 who has this problem, i forgone have the same exact problem u do and hope this thread will also help me in the process. I try talking to different women occasionally on my campus but i sometimes still do suck on one on one conversations like u do.
Anywho glad u posted this thread mate

dont worry man its a very common issue, i still get it lots

The Million Dollar Mouthpiece (Never Run Out of Things to Say ) by RSD's BRAD
http://www.bradbranson.com/the-mill...n-out-of-things-to-say-and-vomit-on-the-girl/

 

[actionjaxson]

i find it helps to just say whatever is on your mind. unless its something really messed up just say it. it will be better than complete silence. just stop trying to think of the perfect thing to say.

 

[PapiChulo]

i find it helps to just say whatever is on your mind. unless its something really messed up just say it. it will be better than complete silence. just stop trying to think of the perfect thing to say.

Naj, dont do this - I fuked up my share of hookups by saying supposedly "funny" things that worked on other women, yet completely blew it on this "special" ones with whom I might have had chance (showing IL). It went from High IL down to "I should avoid you" in like 2 minutes with these ***** types.


These "special" women are probably need to be steered clear of anyway, but the point is that I would not be completely wasting my time after the fact trying to correct the impression I ve made in a blink of an eye. All this is just making me more into them, simply because I somehow failed to meet their "expectations".

To fix that: you should be sure to which kinda person you are talking to before jumping into "whatever" category.

 

[Warrior74]

websters defines conversation as :

The spoken exchange of thoughts, opinions, and feelings; talk.

The key word there is exchange. You have to listen, and the exchange. The better you listen, the more you can exchange.

Also I find that I like to explore peoples minds and experiences. Everyone you meet knows things and has done things you will never do or understand. It's always cool when you can find that in someone and pull that out of them.

Like someone else posted. Listen first. Then if part of what they are saying interests you, ask them more questions about that. Or if you have a relateable story that comes to mind, share that with them...but remember, keep it short and go back to their original thread. It's like posting on a forum, don't you hate the guys who take the thread off topic and bring up random points and nitpick little things to debate over? Don't do that in real life.

If you don't understand something, ask, let them talk and try to understand, trust me, everyone loves to be listened to, most people feel they aren't truely listened to enough.

Don't just wait to talk, listen, find whats interesting, then talk.

 

[HardLeftHook]

Wow guys thanks for all the responses. I realized today its mainly anxiety/nervousness/p*ssyness. I have it down to a science. My mind is flooded with automatic negativity/nervousness in the presence of others I don't know/ mildly acquainted with. The severity of it truly varies on my mood. Like what happens is I end up somewhat panicking. When I do this I kind of put on this vibe to others that I don't have time/ want to talk(which technically I dont since I'm scared i'll sound lame which I do most of the time.)

Whats strange is that even sometimes when im half in a convo mentally, sometimes I'll still not talk like a nervous wreck. But not to my full potential because im initially so apprehensive. My main problem is i can't break this automatic nervousness/anxiety no matter how hard I try. And with time it only gets stronger.

 

[realtalk]

What you have is called social anxiety and I have the same thing. Sometimes repetition is the key to beating it (e.g. doing public speaking over and over again until you become comfortable with it) but sometimes it isn't effective.

I would suggest looking into books on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy like I have. A good one is "Been there? Done That? Do this" by Sam Obitz.
You won't be cured overnight, you will see small improvements at a time. It took 18+ years to train your brain into thinking the way it does now, it'll take alot of work to undo that thinking.

Also, for some more practical advice, don't listen to those thousands of books out there that just tell you to 'listen' or 'ask interesting questions and act intrigued'. That might help you hold a conversation but not a very good one. Noone will be intrigued by you or be interested in you if you do that.

The answer is to make interesting comments or tell interesting stories (in an playful and interesting tone). When I'm around my friends I rarely ask questions.

Also, by acting intrigued by everything someone says, you actually are demonstrating LOWER value. Being emotionally unreactive (unimpressed) makes people respect you and makes girl want to try harder to get your attention (as long as you're interesting first).

Something I used to do was make it a goal to go home every night and write down 3 interesting short stories about my life or about my day. You will start to find interesting things about your life and you will know how to word it. Over time this list will build up in your mind and you will know all these great stories to draw from.

 

[War Against Betaism]

What you have is called social anxiety and I have the same thing. Sometimes repetition is the key to beating it (e.g. doing public speaking over and over again until you become comfortable with it) but sometimes it isn't effective.

I would suggest looking into books on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy like I have. A good one is "Been there? Done That? Do this" by Sam Obitz.
You won't be cured overnight, you will see small improvements at a time. It took 18+ years to train your brain into thinking the way it does now, it'll take alot of work to undo that thinking.

Also, for some more practical advice, don't listen to those thousands of books out there that just tell you to 'listen' or 'ask interesting questions and act intrigued'. That might help you hold a conversation but not a very good one. Noone will be intrigued by you or be interested in you if you do that.

The answer is to make interesting comments or tell interesting stories (in an playful and interesting tone). When I'm around my friends I rarely ask questions.

Also, by acting intrigued by everything someone says, you actually are demonstrating LOWER value. Being emotionally unreactive (unimpressed) makes people respect you and makes girl want to try harder to get your attention (as long as you're interesting first).

Something I used to do was make it a goal to go home every night and write down 3 interesting short stories about my life or about my day. You will start to find interesting things about your life and you will know how to word it. Over time this list will build up in your mind and you will know all these great stories to draw from.

 

[ethan350z]

No no no, I don't think he should be thinking less. It helped me out to start thinking differently. Instead of daydreaming of things like this

Paralysis by analysis my friend. You can't change who you are so It's pointless trying to come up with something interesting to say. Be yourself and 'those who mind don't matter and those who matters don't mind'.