Confidence

[steve_erkle]

I just don't understand how to develop confidence. I'm a good looking guy but i am pretty shy and have this annoying want to have people like me. Tips?

 

[Al Moh.]

There are two main keys to confidence:

1) The way you think. Pook covers this very well in "Kill that desperation"
2) By going out of your comfort zone. Do crazy stuff, talk to more people, fight fears by going right through them.

 

[Groovy]

you need to break out of your comfort zone.

Just for 5 minutes!

Act different for 5 minutes. Assume everyone likes you. Or do something that you think that people won't like you for.

In the first 5 minutes you're gonna be thinking "Wow this is crazy... I shouldn't be doing it!" and "People aren't going to like me so much for this. This isn't normal behaviour."

But you'll see that people won't mind much about what you do. Shy people always assume EVERYONE is looking at them.

I gotta warn you- If you start acting differently, and people do notice and comment it, don't let that bring you down. (Can't keep a good man down! ) Remember, you don't know their mindset, they may be angry at something, it's not necessarily your fault... Maybe they're just not in the mood and so as you realize that, you won't mind if they are being stupid to you. So don't take it personally!

After the first 5 minutes, you'll be more open, and after that you'll see it it's not that special. Just do it! All of your fears are irrational and can be removed very easily.

The core of this mindset is- focus on the fun! If you're the one who's having the most fun in the group (you have to beak out of your comfort zone for this) you won't even mind if other people don't like you, etc. Make it a goal every time you being a interaction- be the one who has the most fun!

this reminds me of the essencial forgotten saying : If you're bored, make your own fun! ;D Simple as that.

 

[Miguel]

you need to break out of your comfort zone.
Act different for 5 minutes. Assume everyone likes you. Or do something that you think that people won't like you for.

Rock on! this is the key right here. I'm actually looking into the whole "how to get along with anyone" thing at the moment, so I can say thats spote on.

People tend to act towards you in the same manner you act towards them, for example if someone comes over too you full of energy and happy to see you, even if you don't know them, you're more likely too feel comfortable around them.

The thing is, that rarely happens, but people want this. If you want to build up some people confidence I highly reccomend realizing two things.

-If your social. (happy, energetic) people will be social happy and energetic towards you. It helps to realize this because if you know HOW to act it lets your mind relax abit.

-Also, if you realize that dispite how you feel, people feel the EXACT same way as you, (Shy, scared, and sometimes uncomfortable) to talking to new people, it helps you realize that hey... There not judging me, their just worried about being judged.

I think.

 

[Voice]

Yo man, I'm kinda shy too but I've come a long way. The one thing I noticed is the hardest part is actually starting to talk to people. Once you do it, it will feel uncomfortable at first but after a while, you'll begin to feel more relaxed. After a while you'll wonder what the hell you were so scared about in the beginning. The more and more you do it, the easier it becomes. But, make it a habit to go out of your comfort zone. If I had any advice I'd say read Pook's post called "Habit is all".

 

[i am me]

what helped me alot was thinking about all the successful people in the world. think of people that you admire and aspire to be. what do they all have in common? theyre not scared. whenever a challenge comes in their direction, they stay calm and try their best to overcome it, even if they fail trying.

also, whenever your heart starts beating really fast cus youre about to do something, just remember that youre getting this feeling because youre breaking out of your comfort zone. thats a good thing. embrace the feeling. youll find that your comfort zone will start to get bigger and youll have to do bolder things in order to get this feeling again

youre fine the way you are man. keep workin on yourself but dont let anyone ever make you feel like youre less than them : )

 

[randalll]

i found that one of the best ways to develop my confidence was to always be doing something.
just do things that make you feel good about yourself.
go to the gym, learn to play an instrument, anything really... focus on improving yourself.
doing lots of things like that will make you feel better about yourself, you'll be happier, and people will be able to see that.

 

[Groovy]

.

No more, no less! The world IS a mirrow.

I bet you that most people experience the same social anxiety as we DJ's in the making do. If you gradually get out of your comfort zone, these AA start to fade and fade!

We have to be the kind of rare person that can act in spite of our fears, even if it makes us uncomfortable. Most guys don't do that, (Thus they get nervous, etc.) but if we do, other people are gonna think "Hey, if he's cool I'm cool!".

I've read it somewhere too: If you like people, people will likely like you back! (this sounded funny lmao).

Ty for the post! :cheer:

 

[izza]

I'm going to disagree with a lot of posts here. Though they make good points about tricks to feel confident, I don't' think they cover how, concretely, to get confident on a more profound level.

Please see my Any Coward Can Do This, Part 7:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=1480012#post1480012

 

[tucking fypo]

confidence relates to happiness.

the more confident you are, the happier you will be

the happier you will be, the more confident you will become

so instead of trying to be confident and raising ur confidence, raise ur happiness level - allen thompson

 

[Groovy]

Confidence doesn't come from happiness, lol.

If anything, you could say that confidence comes from testosterone, and we all know that depression lowers testosterone.

But most of the time, we shouldn't aim for THAT to get confidence. No one is always happy. Maybe fun could do the trick, but I wouldn't say that either. You should be confident even if you're NOT happy, so I'd say that the best mindset for that iiiisssss... Peace of mind!

If you have THAT, you wouldn't really care about what people think anyway and you would just do your own thing. (Approach for fun). That's the core of confidence - Not fearing failure!

 

[tony-montana]

i use to be very very shy. but i guess i was lucky that most times girls would start on me first. it helped me with my confidence. now i'm very confident these days. just try talking to girls as much as you can.. even guys, talk to everyone about anything... hello, how are you... going out to parties, gatherings, events, etc.

 

[MascaraSnake]

Have an opinion of yourself that's very high, but try not to look like a prima donna (it's very hard to pull off). Master the art of the conversation...you can do it. Find humor in everything (seeing it in yourself is good too, but don't make it self-deprecating).

 

[izza]

Confidence doesn't come from happiness, lol.

If anything, you could say that confidence comes from testosterone, and we all know that depression lowers testosterone.

But most of the time, we shouldn't aim for THAT to get confidence. No one is always happy. Maybe fun could do the trick, but I wouldn't say that either. You should be confident even if you're NOT happy, so I'd say that the best mindset for that iiiisssss... Peace of mind!

If you have THAT, you wouldn't really care about what people think anyway and you would just do your own thing. (Approach for fun). That's the core of confidence - Not fearing failure!

We must be miscommunicating... did you just say confidence doesn't come from happiness? Like the happy people you know have the same level of confidence as the unhappy? Maybe you could argue it's just a correlation, not a cause, but I am really not sure I agree. Wow, we must be miscommunicating somewhere.

You're right nobody's happy all the time. But some people are happier more often than others. And if you don't think those who are happy more often aren't more confident, there is nothing you can say to convince me of that. If that's what you believe, ok, but I don't see any sense in it at all.

But I do can believe that maybe testosterone is involved (though as a cause or effect that remains to be seen).

That said, I've become convinced that many on this board are seeking a big red button approach to solving all their problems with women. They want to just do one thing and set off fireworks in their lives. If there's one thing I've learned in my very incomplete journey toward success with women, it's that we need to take as many approaches as possible. It's like the threads of a basket, if you have them going only one way, nothing holds together. You can't build anything. We need to combine different theories, differend threads of thought and learn to weave them together.

Saying stuff like "confidence doesn't come from happiness" doesn't help YOU. Confidence comes from a million different places, it applies to every aspect of life. It comes from happiness, joy, skill, positive experiences, basketball, business, women, friends, family, everywhere.

I think on this site everyone is fighting with each other trying to say their way is THE big red button. So many want to be the next guru. So many want renown, right? You know this. They just start fighting like mini-gurus.

Ok, so you have sort of become the target of a pet peeve of mine. Sorry about that, just organizing some thoughts.

But in short, calling each other wrong is a waste of time. We need to start realizing how we all have our own little truths to contribute. Our own views of the big truths that we can all take something from. That's the only way to weave a system of beliefs that will allow us to be better.

Izza

 

[Groovy]

Wow that's a big fuucking text and I didn't really think I've expressed myself well. From your first 2 paragraphs, I'm not sure if you get me and thus there's no point in debating.

I'll maybe read the rest later!

 

[izza]

Wow that's a big fuucking text and I didn't really think I've expressed myself well. From your first 2 paragraphs, I'm not sure if you get me and thus there's no point in debating.

I'll maybe read the rest later!

Haha, well as long as you think I misunderstood, I'm sure it's just miscommunication. Thanks for reading, partially

 

[Mavrick]

First you must understand what confidence is. It's believing in yourself and your abilities.

Do you believe in yourself?
Do you believe that you're worthy?
Do you believe you are a great catch?
Do you believe in your abilities?
Do you believe you're capable?

If you don't believe any of these things first, no one else will begin to believe them either. Once you believe in yourself and are able to sale the fact that you do, you will make believers out of others.

Confidence isn't something you figure out, it's just something you have by believing in yourself. The best way to start believing in yourself and your abilities is by facing you fears and conquering them.

 

[DarkShade]

I'm no expert by any means, and I don't usually follow the advice I give to others, mainly because I've pretty much given up the ghost, but from my experiences on this planet...:

Confidence is directly proportional to how content you are with your life. Do you always wish you had something more, a bigger TV, more cars, bigger house? You aren't content, therefore you aren't confident in what you HAVE. Being content doesn't mean you just settle for what you have, it means being happy with what you have and the motivation to continue doing better. It's human nature to want more and more, but you'll be miserable because there is no end. Well, except death I guess.

Find contentment with your life, if something bothers you terribly, fix it with whatever means necessary, and get on with your life. Contentment breeds confidence, not the other way around.

 

[Interceptor]

Confidence fluctuates.

Self Esteem can only INCREASE.

Self RESPECT is non negotiable.


Self LOVE is essential.

And Self ACCEPTANCE is healing and liberating.


The main place to start is to adhere to your values by respecting them, and asserting your personal boundaries.
By not lettign people just walk off with your emotional, physical, material, and mental resources, you place value in them , and respect them.

When you do that, you pay attention to what you do, and who you are with, and how you spend your resources.

If you dont like being tooled or bullied, you try to avoid ever being in the company of those types of people. If you cant, then you assert your boundaries accordingly.

Confidence comes from many places.
Mostly it comes from self observance of one accomplishing goals or tasks that once seemed difficult.
This directly builds SELF ESTEEM.
When you feel you can DO something, you build self esteem, and a unit of confidence increases as well.
The more things you do that you enjoy the more self esteem you feel, and the more confidence you feel. YOu respect yourself and your resources even more, and eventually you feel likeyour life is so fulfilling, and meaningful, that you can share your good feelings and resources with others.

When you feel you have certain skills, and you feel you have a sense of WORTH , and DESERVEDNESS in this Earth, THEN you will have more courage and to take action for YOURSELF and your INTERESTS.
Continue to do this, and observe the results and TRUST that you can make things happen, and you increase confidence.