Cold approach - kick in the ass

[The Pedantical]

Yesterday I took a piece of paper and drew fifty little squares. I said, I'm going to go to this shopping mall a short ride from the gym (http://www.placealexisnihon.com/en/shopping/ - beautiful place) and cold approach 50 girl I don't know. Just say hi, small talk, number close. That's it. Fill in a little square each time and leave when I'm done.

So I spent about 2 hours and a half in that shopping mall. Didn't manage to get one little square filled. Every time I see a girl, even an ugly one who looks like a freaking golem, I just stand there and can't @%!@ing do it.

I'm not shy... that's not the thing, I'm not shy with girls. I can talk to a girl (my skills are another matter, but I can work on that) without really being shy... problem is, first contact has to already have been established.

All kind of bullcrap is going through my mind as I'm standing there. It's not proper. It's not okay. She's going to get scared. I'd look like some kind of rapist just coming out of nowhere and talking to her and asking her number. She's probably got people she knows around who'll hear. Blablabla... can't get the freaking stuff out of my head. This is so freaking frustrating.

Obviously there's a step I need to take before doing that. All the advice in the DJ bible seems to work for people who are already able to approach a woman... I'm not even at that level yet.

I thought the ideal would be to have someone like a friend or whatever with me just to kick me in the ass. Like, I'm walking with him in the place and he's like, okay there's a girl there. Just go and talk to her. And if I'm like... argh... I can't... he'll like kick me in the ass or just say just do it, we're in a hurry. Problem is I don't have any friends, so that's that. There's got to be another way. If I could only get over this particular thing, the rest would be much easier to go through IMO

Advice?

 

[horaholic]

There is a dvd program called 'demonic confidence'. I suggest 'acquiring' this program. I've been too lazy to really do it, but you're motivated, obviously. The first step is to ask thirty people (not girls, people) what time it is, within a half hour. Personnally, since everyone has a cell phone with the time nowadays, I would ask for the date, instead. It seems a little less obvious, and way more natural. Yes, I know cell phones tell the date too, but I wouldnt give a second thought to anyone asking me the date, but anyone who doesnt know the time, is weird, cuz almost everyone has a cell phone.

 

[PeeGee]

Asking for the time is okay -- I don't always have my cell phone on me and the time is more practical.

If asking for the time feels 'too easy' you can switch it to a question you ask everybody, or make up a routine and run it all day. Any of these will get you the results you want.

Don't jump into number closing -- the outcome dependency is not a good mindset.

 

[SabreTeeth]

What's up? I have been a stalker on this forum for a little while, but I finally stepped up and joined. The Pedantical, I am in the EXACT same spot as you are now, in fact, yesterday, I did a similar thing to you except I was trying to just say Hi and smile to 10 women on my way to 50 for the week. I had 3 or for the day before, but I just hit a road block, and couldn't do any yesterday, even after 2 hours and buying a bunch of crap I don't need. I am going at it again about an hour after the mall opens today, you should go after it again too. There are plenty of people before us who have handled their approach anxiety, if they can do it, we can too. Good luck man.

 

[The Pedantical]

There is a dvd program called 'demonic confidence'. I suggest 'acquiring' this program. I've been too lazy to really do it, but you're motivated, obviously. The first step is to ask thirty people (not girls, people) what time it is, within a half hour. Personnally, since everyone has a cell phone with the time nowadays, I would ask for the date, instead. It seems a little less obvious, and way more natural. Yes, I know cell phones tell the date too, but I wouldnt give a second thought to anyone asking me the date, but anyone who doesnt know the time, is weird, cuz almost everyone has a cell phone.

I took a look at the website, and good lord those are some pretty big claims they're making there. 21 days and all my approach anxieties gone forever? I'd like to believe that but it sounds a bit too good to be true

 

[Pathgen]

A really easy question is asking for directions somewhere. If your worried about asking for the time

 

[COD]

U DONT HAVE INNER GAME MASTERED................

U have to have "IT" going on inside your head before you venture outside.

IF YOU WANT TO CONCIEVE YOU GOT TO BELIEVE............

First step would be to SUSPEND YOUR DISBELIEF...........stop worrying about all the stuff you are going to say, could go wrong, rejections, how u feel, who's watching, etc

50 IS A BIG NUMBER................baby has to crawl before she walks.

JAPANESE have a word KAIZEN-incremental improvements. Start off slow, like saying Hello, then slowly progress to introductions wth he next chic, then ask a question of the next girl, have a conversation with girl #5, digit close chic 6, etc.

the bulldog approach or NIKE's JUST DO IT philosophy...........does little for building confdence and just doen't work all the time.

Inner game is the foundation, the very first level that sooooooooo many neglect to master. I see it in bars/clubs, see it at school, parties, even ONLINE.

Inner game is the mindset that ONE WILL SUCCEED, rejection WILL NOT EFFECT YOU, rolling off is acceptable, you are the prize, and with practice, some polishing, and bieng prepared for any situation that should arise.

It takes time, research, affirmations, practice, seeing it in your mind first, practicle testing in the field, periodic adjustments ( so make notes), etc

 

[ElStud]

Just do it man. Don't think about it. Just go. Who cares what she thinks? She thinks you're a weirdo oh well, move right on to the next girl. Think about this, why do you care if some random girl thinks you're weird? Does she know you? No, does she have any value to you other than her looks? No. Just do it.

If you go up there and get rejected, oh well, move on. If you go up there and she doesn't want to talk to you, move on. If you go up there and she's freaked out, move on. Also, when you DO run into a set that's not interested, don't think about it in your head AFTER you talked to her.

Who cares, WHY she wasn't interested. She's one girl. Might as well just let it go and move on. And in the end, just keep approaching and practicing conversation. You'll eventually just get better off of that. And ask yourself what your intent is? If it's to go for the number, GO FOR THE NUMBER. If she rejects oh well. Important thing is, is you had the balls to go for the close.

 

[ElStud]

Just do it man. Don't think about it. Just go. Who cares what she thinks? She thinks you're a weirdo oh well, move right on to the next girl. Think about this, why do you care if some random girl thinks you're weird? Does she know you? No, does she have any value to you other than her looks? No. Just do it.

If you go up there and get rejected, oh well, move on. If you go up there and she doesn't want to talk to you, move on. If you go up there and she's freaked out, move on. Also, when you DO run into a set that's not interested, don't think about it in your head AFTER you talked to her.

Who cares, WHY she wasn't interested. She's one girl. Might as well just let it go and move on. And in the end, just keep approaching and practicing conversation. You'll eventually just get better off of that. And ask yourself what your intent is? If it's to go for the number, GO FOR THE NUMBER. If she rejects oh well. Important thing is, is you had the balls to go for the close.

In the end, DESPITE ALL OTHER VARIABLES, despite your shyness, despite your insecurities, despite your fear of rejection,, you just have to go up and talk to her. Trying and failing is better than regret.

 

[The Pedantical]

I know the advice you guys are giving me here is the best, no question about it. Just do it is the way to go.

Yet, I'm 25. I've been telling myself "come on, just do it" since before the Monica Lewinsky scandal, but it's always the same thing. I always just freeze. I get 10 000 things running into my head, all kinds of paranoid and delusional thoughts. It's not proper, I tell myself. The girl will think I'm interested in her sexually and might report me to the police for sexual harassment. I don't know whether I should approach her in french or english. It's always like this.

I tell myself "just do it" and I go someplace feeling good about myself and I'm telling myself "okay, I'm the king. I don't care what people say about me. I'm just going to do it. No big deal." And I feel all confident and I'm sure it's going to be okay. Then I get there and I see an ugly fat girl with a double chin, and I'm like "okay, I'm going to say hello to her and chat her up" and then I freeze. I'm just blocked in my tracks. She doesn't have to be a hot broad, I just freeze.

My head just won't clear itself at this point. I think "it's not normal to go talk to a stranger." I think "she's obviously here with some people and just waiting for someone. She must be in a group. I'm just intruding on something." I just can't stop it. It just happens like that bang and I find myself still in stride and walking toward the girl, then doing something to pretend I wasn't walking up to her, like looking at the public phones near her to pretend I'm looking for the time, or looking around so that it looks like I'm lost or whatever.

I thought about hiring some kind of coach or something, so that someone can be with me and just sort of put some kind of pressure on me to force me to actually just do it. If I know for example that he's sitting a few meters away and watching me and expecting me to just do it, and that it's like, okay even if I completely mess up and say stupid things and sound like an idiot and the girl is like "don't talk to me you pervert I don't even know you" then it's all right because I'm with someone and I can just walk away with him and he'll tell me it's okay let's just try again on another girl.

 

[ElStud]

But thing is DESPITE OF THE FREEZE you just GOT TO GO man. Back in the day, I would freeze up too, just like you man. I would literally see a girl and think about approaching her for like 15 minutes, with similar sh*t running through my head. "What if I get rejected? What I f*ck up? What if people are watching?" I've been there man, we all have.

But despite this freeze, you got to just PUSH yourself. You got to take advantage of your body and just GO. You're gonna feel nervous, but you have to go anyway. It's sort of a feeling of, kind of pushing your body to do something it doesn't want to do. Pushing your body to do something it's not yet comfortable with.

But despite, you HAVE to approach man. Let me be honest, you probably WILL get rejected, WHO CARES, important thing is you had the balls. Remember, trying is better than regret.

 

[COD]

RE-READ MY ADVICE............like a bandaid.......rip it off.

 

[Maxtro]

I would hold off on trying to get numbers. Getting to that point is a few steps later.

Here is how I would start.

First off you need to be able to just say hi to girls. If that seems too hard, put yourself in situations where they will initiate the conversation or say Hi to you.

All you have to do is walk by a sales girl and she'll greet you after a few seconds. Once you've gotten used to random people opening you, change it up. Before the sales girls say hi to you, say hi to them.

Once your fully comfortable opening up sales girls start saying hi to the girls who are shopping. If you feel brave you can try to start a conversation.

I think your goal should just be saying Hi to 15 or so girls. Then the next time you go out try have short conversations. If you feel that a conversation is going well then you can try to go for the number.

Just don't go out expecting to get numbers.

 

[horaholic]

I took a look at the website, and good lord those are some pretty big claims they're making there. 21 days and all my approach anxieties gone forever? I'd like to believe that but it sounds a bit too good to be true

I 'aqcuired' the demonic confidence program. I've been too lazy to really do it, but it will work. It is a three week bootcamp. The first day, you ask thirty people for the time. The next day is something a little more, and so on. You're not supposed to know the next day, so I wont spoil it. Its a course in discipline. you have to do the excercises every single day,. without missing one, or start over. You're supposed to make sure the last two days are wide open for you, cuz they are 8 hour exercises. Like I said, I only did the first two days, but I got lazy.

If you think about it it has to work. if, for three weeks you went up to strangers and did more outlandish stuff every day, pretty soon, you will be so used to it, nothing would faze you. Three weeks is the time frame to either make or break a habit. If you been in the habit of mass approaching for three weeks straight, it would be ingrained in you. If you dont want the course, set your own strict bootcamp of talking to strangers for three weeks, strarting simple. 30 "whats the time?" the next day a little more, etc, until you are used to going up to hot chicks, whipping it out, and giving them clown faces or something.

 

[daygameguy]

Yesterday I took a piece of paper and drew fifty little squares. I said, I'm going to go to this shopping mall a short ride from the gym (http://www.placealexisnihon.com/en/shopping/ - beautiful place) and cold approach 50 girl I don't know. Just say hi, small talk, number close. That's it. Fill in a little square each time and leave when I'm done.

So I spent about 2 hours and a half in that shopping mall. Didn't manage to get one little square filled. Every time I see a girl, even an ugly one who looks like a freaking golem, I just stand there and can't @%!@ing do it.

I'm not shy... that's not the thing, I'm not shy with girls. I can talk to a girl (my skills are another matter, but I can work on that) without really being shy... problem is, first contact has to already have been established.

All kind of bullcrap is going through my mind as I'm standing there. It's not proper. It's not okay. She's going to get scared. I'd look like some kind of rapist just coming out of nowhere and talking to her and asking her number. She's probably got people she knows around who'll hear. Blablabla... can't get the freaking stuff out of my head. This is so freaking frustrating.

Obviously there's a step I need to take before doing that. All the advice in the DJ bible seems to work for people who are already able to approach a woman... I'm not even at that level yet.

I thought the ideal would be to have someone like a friend or whatever with me just to kick me in the ass. Like, I'm walking with him in the place and he's like, okay there's a girl there. Just go and talk to her. And if I'm like... argh... I can't... he'll like kick me in the ass or just say just do it, we're in a hurry. Problem is I don't have any friends, so that's that. There's got to be another way. If I could only get over this particular thing, the rest would be much easier to go through IMO

Advice?

Look, first of all, don't beat yourself.. don't be too hard on yourself. It's not fair. People here will tell you all sorts of stuff like get this in your head and just effing do it... but I am telling you it is not going to work.

You have sit in silence and ask yourself with honesty, what do you really want to have? What is stopping you from getting it? Is staying still and being cautious actually helping you OR going in and taking a risk of disturbing someone more likely to yield some result?

Your mind needs to ACCEPT the fact that approaching the girl is in your BEST interest. Only then will it let you do the approach. Otherwise you will remain paralyzed.

 

[Igetit!]

Yesterday I took a piece of paper and drew fifty little squares. I said, I'm going to go to this shopping mall a short ride from the gym (http://www.placealexisnihon.com/en/shopping/ - beautiful place) and cold approach 50 girl I don't know. Just say hi, small talk, number close. That's it. Fill in a little square each time and leave when I'm done.

That's actually not a bad idea. It gives you some accountability. You can look at the paper and physically see your progress or lack thereof.

So I spent about 2 hours and a half in that shopping mall. Didn't manage to get one little square filled. Every time I see a girl, even an ugly one who looks like a freaking golem, I just stand there and can't @%!@ing do it.

Yeah,I know what this is like. It's like you keep waiting for the right time,but it never seems to come. Sometimes you find the right time,but mainly,you'll just have to make the time right.

I'm not shy... that's not the thing, I'm not shy with girls. I can talk to a girl (my skills are another matter, but I can work on that) without really being shy... problem is, first contact has to already have been established.

I don't understand this. This is a contradiction in terms. You say you're not shy,however,in order to be able to approach a girl,you say first contact has to already have been established.

That doesn't make any sense. Seems to me like you're saying that you can only approach a girl who you already know,or who you've already met before.
I don't understand what you mean by that man. You just got to get out there and do it.

All kind of bullcrap is going through my mind as I'm standing there. It's not proper. It's not okay. She's going to get scared. I'd look like some kind of rapist just coming out of nowhere and talking to her and asking her number. She's probably got people she knows around who'll hear. Blablabla... can't get the freaking stuff out of my head. This is so freaking frustrating.

This is all understandable. These are legitimate concerns. I mean,if you're at a convience store at 2:30 in the morning,and there's an attractive woman behind the counter all by herself at the store,that wouldn't be an appropiate setting to ask her out. It'd be better to approach a girl in a public setting where she'll feel safe. But you say you were at the mall,so I don't understand what the problem was there.

Obviously there's a step I need to take before doing that. All the advice in the DJ bible seems to work for people who are already able to approach a woman... I'm not even at that level yet.

This is what throws me off. I check your join date. 3 and a half years? It's been over three years,and you're still afraid to approach a girl? Granted,maybe your idea of approaching 50 women at a mall was overwhelming,but one or two girls every now and then should be feesable.
Three years,huh? You're right dude. You do need a kick in the arse.

Advice?

Well,I'm sure myself or some of the other member have some advice that may be able to help you out,but first,I have a question. If you need some time to think about it before you answer,then fine,take some time,but I'll need a straight forward,gut wrenching,heart level HONEST answer. If you feel embarassed,then fine feel embarassed,but tell the truth. My question is:

Why haven't you approached a girl yet?

The REAL ANSWER why,the TRUTH. Think about it before you answer.

If you have a problem with your shoulder,but when the doctor asks you what the problem is,and you say your knee,the doctor is going to do everything he can to treat and heal your knee. You gave him the wrong information. Wrong info leads to mis-diagnosis. Mis-diagnosis leads to mistreatment,and if he treats the wrong thing,then you simply won't get better. You'll leave the office with the same problem you arrived there with.

So think about it before you answer.

 

[guywhoneedshelp]

I think the problem is it's not feeling natural for you to approach people as they are walking around seeming busy. It can be done, but it's not for everyone.

You should start with a different scenario. Maybe there is a cute girl that works at a really good coffee shop. You have to talk to her in order to place your order, so it will feel more natural. Ask her what she recommends, then segue the conversation into asking her if she has a good time working at this place.

I once nailed the girl I met at Starbucks. When I met her I was simply ordering a chocolate chip cookie.

Yesterday I chatted with the girl at a coffee shop I've never been to. We ended up talking as I drank the cup of coffee I bought. I even ordered a second cup of coffee, and we talked as she made it. I didn't get her number, but I'm sure I will see her again and maybe I eventually will.

Sometimes waitresses and bartenders can be faking a smile because they are trying to earn a good tip, but some are just bored and may actually be nice to you because they are attracted to you. It's definitely a less awkward situation to practice creating random conversation with attractive women.

 

[ALPHAROMEO]

albert ellis

do ALBERT ELLIS S SHAME ATTACKING EXERCISES
they did a lot to help bust my AA
CHECK OUT " SHAME ATTACKING EXERCI ALBERT ELLISon GOOGLE

Proir to doing those drills i had never approached a woman on a street and the thought of doing it ,was scaring the living hell out of me

 

[The Pedantical]

It's only 21 days. Think about the new man you'll be afterwards. Sounds pretty cool to me.

Start posting your results each week.

Well, I actually went ahead and started that thing. I went to another shopping mall yesterday and the thing said the ask 30 women what time it is. They said you're supposed to do it in 30 minutes, but it took me about an hour because I kept skipping, like "okay, I'm going to ask her," then I just go "Argh, I can't" and walk the other way. The whole time I was obsessed with mistakenly asking someone I had already asked or asking someone while someone I already asked overhears or something. They said "women" without specifying so I asked a lot of old ladies... some girls my age too but whatever, mainly old ladies. I found that I hesitated just as much asking a 20-something than asking an old lady, like the bad feeling was the same... also I couldn't ask anyone who looked like they were in a hurry or accompanied by someone.

Anyway, that was pretty bad. My chest's burning because my heart was beating so hard every time I tried asking the time. I'll check out tomorrow what the next thing in their program is, but if it's anything harder than that I'm not too optimistic I'll manage.

This is what throws me off. I check your join date. 3 and a half years? It's been over three years,and you're still afraid to approach a girl? Granted,maybe your idea of approaching 50 women at a mall was overwhelming,but one or two girls every now and then should be feesable.
Three years,huh? You're right dude. You do need a kick in the arse.

Yup... you guys talk a lot about AFCs. How to turn an AFC into a DJ. Well, an AFC is average, an "average frustrated chump." So far I've got quite a ways to go before being "average." It's not "average" to still not having had a date at 25 years old. Reading the DJ Bible made me feel like I was a guy who's unable to ride a bicycle reading a book about advanced motorcycle drifting techniques.

 

[#41]

Expectations are your killer -- you're putting too much pressure on yourself with the "Hi + Small Talk + Number Close."

Limit yourself to a goal of opening 10 people (anywhere, anytime) this week and just making casual conversation. Specifically tell yourself that you aren't going to number close or try for a date or any of that other stuff. Just talk to people -- salespeople, people in line at the store, etc.

I always find conversation flows much more freely when I'm not even trying to pick someone up.