Closure with BPD-ex

[expos]

Thanks brothers, I need to stop recycling the sh!t that she told me because I honestly can't even sleep, think or eat without imagining her having "10 orgasms straight" with that guy and every time feels like a tiny heart attack.

Oh well, I brought it on myself, but at least now I am totally disgusted and I reached my lowest point so from here it only goes up.

We have several members on this board who have gone through all the same things with a BPD woman. Mauser96 is good guy to talk to, Bradd80 has dated one or two of them, I was married to one for 3 years.

I'll break it down for you.

1. They fabricate and stretch the truth a lot, and purposely try to hurt you. Why do they do this? They hate themselves, period. They project all of their emotional pain on to others. You know what I’m talking about, they talk in such a cold, dismissive tone and act like they are above you. This is their insecurity speaking. They run everyone down, their families, their co-workers, everyone. This is why they have no friends.

2. BPD’s always have someone on deck and ready to get with them. They can’t be alone, ever. Whenever they are alone, they tend to reflect on how much they suck and they don’t like to do any sort of personal work to get better. They just work out all of their issues on their newest victim.
Don’t worry about your replacement. He is no better than you, but they will paint him that way to everybody. You should see the slob my ex-wife is engaged to. That poor sap has no idea what he has coming. In fact, you yourself were a replacement. She built you up, and tore you down, and she will do the same to Mr. 10 Orgasm Guy.

When you deal with someone who is mental, they repeat the same crap over and over again with different people. She will never change and become someone better. People with BPD NEVER change. All the stuff you went through, your replacement will go through at some point.

3. No contact is the way to go. The BPD type are master manipulators, and will spin everything to their advantage when you speak with them. This is why it’s good to walk away and go no contact. Simply disappear. No Contact will also hurt her more than it hurts you. They are so used to Beta, AFC-types trying to win them back that it’s a pretty good ego blow to them when you don’t care about them anymore.

4. There are better woman than her. Far better. You will find someone better than her and she’ll be a distant memory. She will always be failing and you’ll be a failure if you stick with her. Get yourself involved with a woman who is a success and see how much your life improves.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

I can only hope that she's really BPD, it will make everything much simpler.

I don't know why I care so much about her still, but if what she's having is a personality disorder I guess I can disregard everything that happened and blame it on her; It's really the easy road but it's also the road that avoids taking responsibility. I know that there were many things I did wrong that I must improve on.

It's been almost 44 hours that I'm awake (minus 2 hours of sleep I got last night), I ate as much as I could, barely hitting the 1300 calories (I usually eat 2500++), too weak to work out but you know what? I will make it. I will keep getting up and moving forward no matter what.

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that!

 

[expos]

I can only hope that she's really BPD, it will make everything much simpler.

Doesn't matter if she is BPD or not. She treated you like **** and you should not be together because of this.

I don't know why I care so much about her still

If she's BPD, she probably did a lot of push/pull with you which kept you interested and craving her. By this I mean she's amazing to you one minute, and the next minute she's a trainwreck and acting like a total b!tch to you. You always had to work on this relationship more than any other because she kept you on your toes emotionally. She's iike a drug or a really crazy movie with a lot of unpredictable twists. This is why you are into her, but you need to realize that isn't good person for you - or anyone - to be with.

It's been almost 44 hours that I'm awake (minus 2 hours of sleep I got last night), I ate as much as I could, barely hitting the 1300 calories (I usually eat 2500++), too weak to work out but you know what? I will make it. I will keep getting up and moving forward no matter what.

I have been there before. I went from 160 lbs to 149lbs (i'm 6-2) due to the emotional crap my ex-bpd wife put me through post-divorce. You eventually get out of this and regain your appetite. You are dealing with mind-movies which make it hard to focus on simple tasks and make you lose interest in things you once loved.

You absolutely, positively, need to get out more with friends and family. I was never a big weightlifter, but something about being around a bunch of other guys and hitting the weights heavy does something that other exercise can't do - and this is coming from a distance runner. It's an aggressive release of sorts and makes your psyche stronger and more resistant. It saved my life a year ago.

I got a new physique and women really took notice. :yes:

 

[asa_don]

lol, another guy claiming bpd when he doesn't know for sure. :crackup:

every guy has a bpd now i guess lol.

the only closure you need is that its over and you will never see her again, thats a good thing because she treated you like sh!t.

closure is for afc's because they need to "know the reason why" of what went wrong.

who cares, most likely she won't tell you anyway.

be glad that you don't have a sh!tty woman to beat you up emotionally, forget about her, she has forgotten about you until she starts calling you again, ignore her calls, block her number, that isnt hard to do.

work on getting a strong frame so you dont get another woman controlling you like this, go out and enjoy life with new women, crying over some loser is a waste of your life, get new chicks and have fun

 

[jay07]

I will say for the guys who are saying bpd is thrown loosely around, sometimes maybe.

but for instance, when I went through what I did, I started researching online why my ex was acting the way she did, what was wrong with me and all of her negatives lead me to bpd forums. then when you search bpd this forum comes up.

do not be quick to dismiss guys who post about their exes assuming bpd. most likely this forum came up when they realized their girl has something seriously wrong with her.

 

[Twodogs]

^^ Agreed, this was pretty much exactly how it happened for me jay.
After reading heaps and deciding that BPD was the most plausible explanation I googled "her name + bpd" and it took me to a FB borderline support page she'd posted on.
The last 1% of doubt I had was then gone.
She never mentioned it but she knew what she was dealing with, was on medication and seeing a therapist.
Even though she was aware it still wasn't enough to keep it under control.

 

[jay07]

Yea once you realize it's not their fault, it's yours for letting them do it by running back and staying it's easier to move on.

I seen my ex tagged in a photo on Facebook earlier. she looked really happy with her new "friends", And I felt happy for her cause I kno she's mentally messed up. but I also kno she will be hitting me and 10 other dudes up when she messes that up.

to the o.p. - take this positive out of having been with her if you can't find one.. you will now never let another girl treat you like that again. it will save so much drama from your life.

since my relationship ended, I've nexted at least 3-4 chicks who disrespected me in the slightest. my walls no longer come down for any new chick .

 

[Cerwin Vega]

Thanks fellas, this night I slept like a baby for 7 hours straight!

I just need to keep reminding myself of all the **** she's done to me:

* ever since her little brother was born, I simply disappeared:
I was no longer important, every time I would visit her house, ALL the focus would be on him even though her mother was home and able to take care of him.
She could shift soooo quickly from "WHO'S THE SWEETEST BABY IN THE WORLD??" to the most cold and brutal facial expression when she looked at me.
* constant fighting over every little thing, HEAPS of drama:
Every time we fight she would leave my house without saying a word and expect me to go running after her. I did it twice but that's it. Since then it became a total norm - she would just get up and walk out of the door without saying a word.
* she would be pissed off about everything I say:
Let's say I'd suggest to do something, she would always doubt it and give me this disgusting attitude.
* crazy push and pull:
She would push me to the limit every f*cking time to the point where I don't even want to see her, and then pull me with all these sweet words and everything.
* "I miss you so much" on the phone, but never delivers:
At first she would come running to me every time she saw me, later on she would barely get her ass off the couch to open the door for me, not even a smile when she saw me.
* "I want you to f*ck me so hard" on the phone, but never delivers:
Sex was a big part for me and she knew it. I am crazy about sex and I was crazy about her and her body. about 70% of the times when I would try to initiate I would be getting some sort of resistance.
* There was always another guy:
Every few months, this other guy would magically appear. At first it was this (1) wimp who got pissed off she dated me and not him, (2) then a guy who seemed like a retard who kept asking her how often she masturbates and she didn't even f*cking blocked him, (3) then a younger kid who had a big crush on her, (4) after that there was a much older guy possibly a player who wanted to lay her, then we broke up and she met with a bunch of guys kissed one (5) and "almost" had sex with the other (6) and then we came back together, then there was this friend who also wanted to lay her (7), then this guy who she "almost" had sex with (6) came back to the picture - she was texting him and what not, (8) then all these much older guys from her hospital started giving her inappropriate suggestions [yeah right], (9) then the all the guys at the gym were looking at her and talking to her, (10) now finally this doctor who bought her flowers and took her to restaurants.
10 occasions doesn't seem much on the span of a 4 year relationship, but she made me FEEL as if she's giving out this vibe of "I WILL TALK TO ANYBODY, I'M EASY TOO!!!".
* she always talked about my priorities but I was a lower priority:
She'd schedule meetings to her friend's houses, birthdays etc, and use me as a 'prop' like "look everyone, this is my puppy boyfriend, he knows how to roll over and count to three with his hands".
* she would always emasculate me, even in front of my friends:
Her parents bought her a car and paid for insurance. I would never ask my parents for money, but being in the military is tough here in Israel (120$/monthly and a decent 2006 Japanese car used to cost around 9,000$).
Around 2-3 times a month she would mention the fact that she's "driving" me, how little of a man I am, how other guys used to drive her around when we broke up, every time I would comment on her driving ("look out! You almost hit that car!") she would shut me up and tell me that I can talk only when I'm driving.
* she lost interest and became disrespectful:
She used me as an emotional tampon. The conversations were always about her and her sh!tty life, how everybody treats her bad, how her best friend is a total b!tch etc etc, she was never interested with me, she knew maybe 10% of what's happening in my life.
* she NEVER looked at me in any of our pictures:
Every picture I had with her, she would be looking at the camera, and I would be looking at her/kissing her. This phenomenon continues with that doctor.
* Twice when we broke up, she rushed into things:
First time she had a boyfriend and "almost" had sex with him (yeah right.."almost") within a few days of meeting him in spite of being "totally in love" with me; This second time she had sex with her new boyfriend right away and has absolutely no regrets even though she told me I'm still in her heart. This is so f**ked up.

...tons of other things I forgot but you get the picture.

Look, in my defense, I used to be this awesome ****y confident kid with a bunch of friends, chilling in high school and having fun.
She slowly turned me into the doormat you read here, because I let her. She would always tell me how many things bothered her and made her feel insecure, and being a total gentlemen I could never hurt her so I changed myself so she would feel better.

I don't know if she's a BPD monster or not, but I am responsible for the **** I stepped on, and I am really pissed and disappointed from myself.

Her going to another guy, "he treats me so much better", "he gives me 10 orgasms" [*unlike you who barely gave me one every time we would have sex*], "my pvssy doesn't burn after we have sex", "he's a doctor" and all these things simply destroyed me.
What the ****? She would always encourage me to finish quickly during sex, I could go on for hours but she didn't want to continue the sex past 10-20 minutes because she would get sore, she could only cvm when she was on top so how 10 orgasms are possible for her with him, especially if he's smaller?! Does he have some magical penis or something?!
Who is she?! She's a ****ing sh!t, she's so much below me:
Good looking face, GREAT shape, 5ft 11.5", I can **** for hours (continue after I ***), I LOVE giving oral, I have high expectations of myself, I respect women, what else a lady would like?
She dumps me for this short hairy stocky Russian who looks like a f**king arab [no offense] and doesn't even speak the language.
What does it say about me? I couldn't even keep that piece of sh!t around so how am I suppose to hold a high quality woman? This f**ked up my self image and totally destroyed my confidence.

This is why I am depressed, my mind is trying to process everything that's going on and I'm very aware of it.

 

[expos]

I don't know if she's a BPD monster or not, but I am responsible for the **** I stepped on, and I am really pissed and disappointed from myself.

She's half to blame on this, you are the other half. A person that loves you and cares about you will never treat you this way. Ever. I don't know what your family life is like, but I try to envision my mom treating my dad this way and how dysfunctional it would be if I were to grow up around that type of behavior. You don't need someone in your life that pulls this type of crap on you on all the time.

BPD women are selfish by nature and the only thing on their mind is themselves and how they need someone to make themselves feel better. I will preach this over and over again, you are merely a vehicle to here.

This is great lesson for you. When a woman starts acting up like this, you can easily give them the boot and not think twice about it. Their is always someone better on the horizon.

She dumps me for this short hairy stocky Russian who looks like a f**king arab [no offense] and doesn't even speak the language.

He's just the new you. She never loved you, and she doesn't love him. It's all fake.

It doesn't matter what they look like. The stories are always same, you always see them with someone who you'd never imagine them with. It has NOTHING to do with looks and everything to do with CONTROL. The reason she is with him is that he is easy to manipulate and take advantage of - just like you. They are able to pick out good, white-knight, supportive types with low self esteem who cater and enable their bad behaviors. They make the ugly man feel like he's god, and then tear him down and kill his self-esteem. Sound familiar?

What does it say about me? I couldn't even keep that piece of sh!t around so how am I suppose to hold a high quality woman? This f**ked up my self image and totally destroyed my confidence.

She succeed in doing this, only because you let her do it. You will find a high-quality woman once you get that confidence back. This is a win-win situation for you. You are getting rid of a crappy woman and opening yourself up for someone better.

This is why I am depressed, my mind is trying to process everything that's going on and I'm very aware of it.

It will be temporary and you will get over it. She what happens when you talk with her? All she does is hurt you. You are depressed because you can't believe that someone you love can hurt you that way - but BPD *****es like this one don't give sh!t about ANYONE. Process that.

Don't worry about her. She will fail over and over again. Ask anyone here about their BPD-ex and how great they are doing, there are no success stories.

 

[Imdonswanson]

Cerwin-

I'm not sure that she may be too honest with the whole "10 orgasms straight & her new boy toy is leaps and bounds better than you" deal.

Why? Well my bpd ex throughout the course of the relationship told me some DEEPLY personal and horrific things that she's gone through at the hands of ex boyfriends and parents. Truthfully, I don't know how much of that is true and what is a fabrication of her mind. Regardless, she had many problems that she needed to deal with with an expert psychiatrist and some medication (this is not an insult to her). When I broke up with her, she automatically wrote a 8 page Email, wrote me a letter, and showed up at my house saying elucidating on how I was the worst thing ever. No human on this planet has hurt her more. And that all her ex boyfriends would of never done what I did. I felt weak so I called her up about two weeks later to pick up some stuff from my place, she quickly tells me "I'm doing sooooo much better now, I'm dealing with my issues, I'm in such a good place now" poof all her issues are gone, making it seem as if I was the cause or the trigger.


Whatever she says, good or bad don't believe it. She's not good for you, that's it.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

Thanks for the input brothers, it's sure is easier just to believe she's lying and just trying to hurt me.

Problem is that it bothers me. I know it's all in my ego, and optimally I shouldn't even care if his **** is bigger (it's not), if he's super hot (he's not) or if he can win me in a fight (he probably can't).
Thinking how he's drilling her and she's having better time with him that what she'd have with me is just a major blow to the ego, and I don't want it to be like that.

Sure, keep telling myself she's lying is a very easy and effective way to run away from the problem, but I want to DEAL with my ego, insecurity and confidence problems.

Again, I thank you all for investing your time and trust in me!

 

[BetterCallSaul]

Glad you're moving on, but I wrote some stuff about "closure" here:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=218158

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

I skipped straight to the edit. See notes:

It's a very tough pill to swallow.
Of course. It takes time, but you will get there, you have a lot of reading to do and questions that need answering. Stick around.

I always taught that Men and Women are equal in their emotional responses, you see all those movies where the man and woman end up happily ever after, even if she left him et-cetra.
Well done; first lesson learned. Now the second lesson: never forget the first lesson.

The way she was talking to me, like I'm just one of her orbiters - started giving me advice and telling me that I will find that one girl - really made me realize she's over me. I had to cut her short and tell her I don't take advice from women.
Correct. You take advice from your (sober) self and other men that have been there and only that advice that suits you. She is wrong; you wont find one girl, you will find many. You will get to a point where you can choose one if you so please.

It's really not her fault...most if not all women are like this and I just need to learn to accept that I can never have independent love. I need to stop giving sex such emphasis and make a big deal out of it.
Whatever you do, you do it, and that's all you do, at that moment in time. The moment of reduced effort is the moment of realisation.

Maybe I sound like a total AFC and old fashioned but for me sex used to be very special, something that two partners share and nobody is allowed inside.
You sound like a Disney Princess.

That mindset is now destroyed; I woke up drowning inside the pool of filth I allowed myself to lie down in.
Good.

My mind understands it but I still haven't processed it yet -SEX IS NO BIG DEAL.
Of course it's a big deal, if you want it. You wouldn't be here otherwise talking about your stupid bint ex and your (currently) everlasting virginity. The feminine imperative is telling you that it's not a big deal. You want it?? GO AND GET IT AND STOP BEING A DISNEY PRINCESS. Read, listen, learn, practice, execute. And repeat.

My next girlfriend will most likely not be a virgin anyway so I must deal with all the jealousy and insecurities I have.
Correct. Self-worth first. You are the prize. Go and get what you deserve.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

PS. never wait around to get closure. You are likely to be waiting a while and if you do get it, it wont be what you want.

You know what I hear when guys say, 'I need closure'...? I hear, 'I'm still holding out some hope that he'll change her mind'.

Don't worry. We've all been there. But also, don't wait for closure, ever. Just move on.

 

[Bokanovsky]

I've realized a long time ago that seeking "closure" is counterproductive. You seek closure because you still care. It keeps you from moving on. Besides, there is really no such thing as closure anyway. It's just your attempt to rationalize what happened, why things didn't work out. Almost inevitably, you are working with incomplete or downright false information. Any conclusion that you reach as a consequence of "closure" will likely be wrong or, at best, only partially correct. So don't waste your time looking for closure. Get on with your life.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

She just called me a minute ago.

I answered her and told her "I told you not to contact me anymore"
She said "I'm just calling to see how you are feeling"
I told her "Look, you don't feel for me what I feel for you so we can't talk anymore"
She hung up.

Not making excuses here but I was being honest. I don't want anything to do with this girl anymore so it doesn't matter what she thinks of me.

I actually feel good telling her that. BPD or not - she lost a person who had feelings for her and that will make her MAD.

Ego boost for her? Whatever...I'm not going to answer her calls anymore.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

I actually feel good telling her that.

Try to remember and hang on to that feeling. That's the feeling of you taking charge of your life, knowing yourself and what you want, and forcing yourself to not put up with womens' bull$hit games.

Closure is one of those trends that's been around for a while that I've never understood how it's supposed to help someone.

 

[:-)]

WHY DID YOU ANSWER?

Cos he wants closure. I've done some dumba$$ stuff in order to ensure a girl won't contact me again and being all out afc will more or less guarantee that. I regret it now. But then I didn't know then what I know now.

 

[jay07]

Hey answered cause he's not ready to move on.

You also said the worst thing you possibly could have said. now she knows she still can make you eat her pvssy whenever she wants, and you only said it hoping she wouldn't hang up and that she'd cry or tell you the same thing.

you want a good feeling? Next time she contacts you ignore her. 3 hours later you'll feel like you have some of the power now.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

Sorry for disappointing you lads. I can relate to many things you said, however I do feel better telling her that.

To be fully honest brothers, what I've told her has been sitting on my mind since I called her on that crazy night. I really wanted to tell her that because I felt like I left things hanging.

It wasn't from a place of "BAWWWW I STILL LOVE YOU COME BACK TO ME", and if she's such a diabolic monster then she already knew how I feel towards her and what I've said held no meaning. It was full on honesty, not mixed with any emotion since I told her WE CAN'T TALK ANYMORE.

I don't secretly hope she will come back to me. I am completely disgusted by what she's done and this feeling will never pass at least until I forget who she is.
I do secretly hope I could come back in time, fix everything and do things differently.

Unlike three days ago, I don't feel any urge to contact her.
On the contrary; I want to dig into my cocoon, work on myself and meet her in a few years seeing how she's a complete failure in life and I am exactly where I want to be.

Listen, She's not pure anymore. She's not the same person, the little girl (15) I made to a woman (19) with my two hands is not there anymore. If anything, I should be grieving as if she passed away. The person I used to love is gone. Last time I looked, I could barely recognize her on her new photos. She's totally changed. I can't accept her back. She's been exiled from paradise. Unlike other NC'ers here, I have somewhat of a childish set of morals that she completely crossed when she slept with him.

As Owen from RSD said, it's quite easy to become the top, since most people don't push themselves out of their comfort zone.
Having this experience is really life changing - ever since the break up I have made a few decisions with a HUGE impact on my life as well as having the highest motivation in years.

Maybe she will contact me again in the future and maybe not. I'm not worried about it anymore since I will not answer her, I got my closure right there.

Edit:
Also, when she called she sounded as if she was crying. I didn't even care to ask what happened.

NEXT!