Cheated on girlfriend, but want her back. What to do?

[DMEDFISIK]

So I cheated on my girlfriend. She found out in August and broke up with me. However, I still want her back for both emotional and logical reasons. In the past two months, she's been coming around, but two weeks ago she started pulling away claiming that although she loves me, she's afraid to get hurt again. She blocked me on Facebook as well. Her explanation was that she needs to forget me and stop stalking my facebook page.

I stopped by her place last weekend to pick up some stuff and ended up seducing her into messing around. I also noticed she was googling my name to find my twitter page--this runs contrary to her desire to forget me. After I left she later called saying (1) I should stop coming around because she melts when she sees me and can't muster the courage to tell me to leave; (2) her seeing me gets in the way of her forgetting me; (3) we should communicate once every two weeks, although she's already broken this rule after getting a package containing picture clips of us and a hand-written letter I wrote apologizing and reminding her what made us so good, as well as a promise not to mess with other women. She told me it was cute and romantic, and I know it touched her.

I know she still loves me and finds me very attractive. We dated for almost 4 yrs. I would love for her to come back, so what do the experts here think?

 

[Colossus]

Why did you cheat on her in the first place?? That might help us get to the bottom of it.

Your feelings right now are classic---you cheated on her, she dumped you, you're overcome with nostalgia and lovey emotions for her and want her back. We tend to remember only the best things after a breakup----so think about what got you there.

 

[amoka]

Why did you cheat on her? My philosophy is if you think it is not working out, just get the gut and cut things off instead of cheating on her. In relationship, only loosers "cheat". If you are not content with the relationship, just get the gut and tell her and stop wasting her time... and yours. 4 yrs is god damn long... I have no suggestion for you... except to LEARN from this mistake.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

I think respect and trust are big issues in an LTR. I view cheating as a termination of your said relationship.

If she had cheated on you, what would be the advice of this forum?

 

[DMEDFISIK]

Thanks everyone. I personally do not believe in cheating and it's never been my way of doing things. Before her, I dated another girl for almost 2 yrs and never cheated. I sincerely regret doing what I've done.

OK here is the deal. When she finished college, she was looking for a job but couldn't find one. She had little money and thus couldn't afford rent. Though strongly against shacking up with a woman to whom I was not married, I broke that rule and let her move in with me. In the 8 months she stayed, I never asked her to contribute to the rent, pay for groceries, etc. I am a graduate student who survives on a fellowship, so it's not like I'm wealthy. Once in that interval though, her parents sent her some money and she felt she had to contribute something, so reluctantly I let her pay for groceries once.

At the same time, she was looking for fellowships to pay for her Master's program as well as looking for a new place to live near her new university. Overall, this was a very stressful time for her and was her first exposure to the real stresses of life outside of college. I did what I could to make things easy on her, like organize fun activities. After a while she was down and totally stopped going out. I went out to have fun regardless.

When she moved out, I noticed a cold attitude from her. I tried to get to the bottom of things and this is when she told me she wanted to take a break. This hit me hard to be honest, and I instead offered her a break-up instead. This is after about 2 yrs dating. I started talking to other girls soon after. Two months later she came back to me and we started were we left off. But I really never got over what she did considering the support I gave her in a trying situation. It's as if she pulled away from me in that time frame. And although we got back together, I never fully cut off the other girls, and so I cheated on her.

Overall, I should've done the right thing regardless of the situation. That way I could've preserved my honor, and this is what I regret the most, not the thought of letting her go. I'm still a man of principles. However of all the girls I've met, she matches my personality the most, and this is why I think I should try to get her back.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Thanks everyone. I personally do not believe in cheating and it's never been my way of doing things. Before her, I dated another girl for almost 2 yrs and never cheated. I sincerely regret doing what I've done.

OK here is the deal. When she finished college, she was looking for a job but couldn't find one. She had little money and thus couldn't afford rent. Though strongly against shacking up with a woman to whom I was not married, I broke that rule and let her move in with me. In the 8 months she stayed, I never asked her to contribute to the rent, pay for groceries, etc. I am a graduate student who survives on a fellowship, so it's not like I'm wealthy. Once in that interval though, her parents sent her some money and she felt she had to contribute something, so reluctantly I let her pay for groceries once.

At the same time, she was looking for fellowships to pay for her Master's program as well as looking for a new place to live near her new university. Overall, this was a very stressful time for her and was her first exposure to the real stresses of life outside of college. I did what I could to make things easy on her, like organize fun activities. After a while she was down and totally stopped going out. I went out to have fun regardless.

When she moved out, I noticed a cold attitude from her. I tried to get to the bottom of things and this is when she told me she wanted to take a break. This hit me hard to be honest, and I instead offered her a break-up instead. This is after about 2 yrs dating. I started talking to other girls soon after. Two months later she came back to me and we started were we left off. But I really never got over what she did considering the support I gave her in a trying situation. It's as if she pulled away from me in that time frame. And although we got back together, I never fully cut off the other girls, and so I cheated on her.

Overall, I should've done the right thing regardless of the situation. That way I could've preserved my honor, and this is what I regret the most, not the thought of letting her go. I'm still a man of principles. However of all the girls I've met, she matches my personality the most, and this is why I think I should try to get her back.

I think you should show her this post.

When you make a mistake like cheating, sometimes you just need to man up and lay it all on the table. No BS game playing. There's no easy fix, it takes honesty to regain trust.

 

[Zarky]

WHY did he cheat on her? Because guys like to bone lots of hot women! Silly.

Anyway, I've been caught cheating by women a lot, because I date multiple women always.

Women can always forgive a cheater, because there's nothing a woman likes more than knowing other women find her man attractive too.

You've got to be super nice, promise her it won't happen again, and get herself (somehow) to lay the blame on herself. If she just thinks you're an a-hole and that's it, then you lose. However, if you can convince her that she was doing something wrong.. wasn't sexy enough, was overweight, wasn't sweet enough, etc... then you're golden.

Flowers work too. It's been long enough that you won't come off as phony if you start peppering her with some loving things (cheesier the better) like flowers, cards, etc. saying "I made such a big mistake, blah blah blah, now I see that you're the only one for me, etc etc etc."

It's called the "Grand Gesture," and all men do it when they've been caught cheating. And 95% of the time it works.

 

[DMEDFISIK]

I think you should show her this post.

When you make a mistake like cheating, sometimes you just need to man up and lay it all on the table. No BS game playing. There's no easy fix, it takes honesty to regain trust.

She hasn't given me a chance to be honest. I think that's the first step.

@Zarky, I've sent flowers with a note, a nice hand-written apology letter (almost 5 pages) on special paper, as well as picture clippings of things we've done together. I've noticed she responds nicely to me after I've sent her these things or when she sees me; but when I'm away she starts acting cold again. I've pleaded with her for 2.5 months now and I'm getting tired.

To be honest, I'm thinking of just ignoring her--no calls, no texts, and no visits. I believe she will call eventually. And my excuse will be that she herself encouraged me to give her space. I've just not met any girl worthy of a LTR so I'm still biding my time.

 

[jophil28]

to get to the bottom of things and this is when she told me she wanted to take a break. This hit me hard to be honest, and I instead offered her a break-up instead.

This muddies the waters ^^.
Not sure what to advise you except to say that "reconciliations" rarely work out in uncomplicated and tidy ways.

 

[Boilermaker]

This reminds me of the many mistakes I made in my past. I am the closest thing to you in this forum.


You are suffering from withdrawal, you are heavily rationalizing, finding excuses, plotting plans, but I think what you have is a mixture of rejection, inconvenience and withdrawal. All due respect to her personality, considering the thousands of options that are one street away to you right now, when you say "her personality matches me the most" for a girl you dated for 4 years, it looks ridiculous and juvenile.

You are 26 - what are your plans with her? Maybe she's trying to up the ante, maybe she wants to use your lame move to get more serious with you. You are in a deep mess, I think it's good to take the solid advice Jophil is giving you here, and let go. Remember, you cheated on her so it wasn't such a good "match" after all. Why would a man cheat if he's FULLY satisfied?... Cheating is NOT a mistake, it is a SYMPTOM.

I would use this as a golden opportunity to jump from this ship ( you lived with her, you payed her rent, you contracted ONE-itis, and it's been 4 years!) and move on in your life. What you experience is withdrawal and nothing more. You know the best method of treating withdrawal in psychiatry is to give the patient a "SIMILAR" substance for a while to take off the addiction. Try to imagine how you would feel if you were cuddling a HB9 in your bed right now. Draw conclusions from that vantage point.

Good luck

 

[Colossus]

I've just not met any girl worthy of a LTR so I'm still biding my time.

This is a really telling statement. It tells me you still want an LTR on some level, you dont have other prospects anymore (or maybe you do but are preoccupied with her), and you are clinging desperately to nostalgic feelings.

It sounds like you genuinely regret keeping those other girls around when you got back with her, and you have made more than a grand gesture of contrition. But do you really think you can rebuild all that lost trust after all this?? Come on man let's be real. Here's the bottom line: of course you want her back----she dumped you and you were with her for 4 years. The dumpee always bears the brunt of the agonizing and longing. Your feelings arent going to go away in a couple of months, you have to give it some time for clarity to set in.

I cant tell you what's right or wrong for your life, but I can tell you this has reached a dysfunctional level. Happens all the time in breakups---dont beat yourself up----but you gotta let it go. There will be others.

 

[backbreaker]

The truth is, even if you got her back,the relationship itself is done. the trust is done, the first time you don't pick up the phone, the first time she goes out with her friends and doesn't bother to call, **** is going to hit the fan.

If I were to go get a piece of ass outside my relationship now, it doesn't mean I don't care about my girl, not at all. ass is just ass. If she were to find out, she would leave, but she would want to come back, but even if she did, it just wouldn't be the same. She would not trust me and she would do **** to try ot get back at me, all over a price of ass... see men cheat because they like sex, women usually cheat, like seriously cheat when they are trying to swing branches in some way shape or form, so cheating for a guy is not the same for a girl, but it effects the relationship the same, it ends it. Honestly I couldn't stay with a woman who would stay with me after disrespecting her like that. And that is why after many a chances, I haven't nor will I cheat unless I have decided I wasn't getting what I want at home and it's time to move on, it's just not worth it.

But, I had to learn that the hard way because I lost a good one a while back, and there is no doubt she would have been with me today I if could keep my **** in my pants. nothing you can do about it, wish her well and send her on her way if you love her. girl did nothoing wrong at all, and I was ****ing anything that moved lol. Sometimes you gotta know when to hold em, gotta know when to fold em. You got pocket aces in your hand and the river card is an Ace at home, you need to sit your ass down lol.

We talk about women not wanting to own up to their actions, it works both ways. if you are going to **** other woman, be prepared to have the one at home walk.


My advice: cut all contact, for your and her benefit. she needs to move on, so do you. talking to her is just going to make things worse.

 

[DMEDFISIK]

Of course there are girls as good as her or better out there. It'll just take time to find them.

When I talk about "match" here is the deal. She's 2 yrs younger than myself (flimsy, but in the range I want). We come from the same country (cultural similarities). She's intelligent (pursuing a graduate degree in the physical sciences at a top school, I'm a PhD student in one of the sciences myself). She plays piano/guitar and loves music whilst hoping to make a career out of it. I play piano and love music too but largely as a hobby--my goal is to be a professor at a medical school/research institute. We are both Christians, are comfortable and at home together. Our families would definitely embrace each other if it came to marriage. We both cook and at times do it together. She also has a very strong moral character and I could see her as the mother of my kids. And yes, she's very beautiful.

My only points of concern with her are that she is a bit mentally weak, and sometimes get very emotional, but then all women are. She also refuses to exercise despite my encouragements. Luckily she's blessed with skinny genes, but she won't be slim forever--for example, she's starting to have a slight gut. I've been able to take her to the gym with me, but I've never succeeded in making her take a lasting interest in staying fit. I lift weights and do cardio as a lifestyle and I would love her to commit to it as well.

Overall she has has 85-90% of what I look for in a long term mate, and I think it's mutual between us. So that's why I'm still trying to get her. I saw her yesterday and as usual, we interacted as if we never broke up. I stayed the night.

I think she'll consider getting back with me once her hurt fully subsides and I'm open and honest with her. She's told me that's the big deal. If there's a way I can assure her I would never cheat on her again, she'll be fully mine and at peace with us.

And it's not that I don't meet hot girls, I do. But none so far is worthy of an LTR. No one (yet) has the moral character of my girl, and that's something I place a high value on after looks. Yes women are women, but she's a genuinely nice person.

 

[Kailex]

Don't ask him: WHY?

Ask him: How did she find out?
Did you tell her?

Although, any of it is of no matter... she knows, the relationship is done for.
Even if you two got back... the pattern will eventually repeat.

But let me get this straight, she was cold with you BEFORE you cheated on her? You said she was cold with you as soon as she moved out, which would suggest that she probably was using you for free rent anyway. Just confused about the timeline though.

 

[Boilermaker]

Can I ask you how many girls did you meet in the last 6 months? How many girls did you talk to for more than 10 minutes? ...

Look, it's very natural to glorify her especially after so many years, and so many rationalizations...

Why don't you marry her right away if she's so perfect? I heard this amazing quote from Peter Svidler (Chess Grandmaster):

Don't expect your problems to solve themselves.


To me, it sounds like you don't have the guts to marry her right away, because some things are not clicking but a whole array of excuses seems to be clouding your judgment. Feel free to fool yourself by making a list of pro-s and con-s, but just don't come around here and sell the good old "THE ONE" argument.

Everywhere else. But not here. Please.

 

[DMEDFISIK]

Don't ask him: WHY?

Ask him: How did she find out?
Did you tell her?

Although, any of it is of no matter... she knows, the relationship is done for.
Even if you two got back... the pattern will eventually repeat.

But let me get this straight, she was cold with you BEFORE you cheated on her? You said she was cold with you as soon as she moved out, which would suggest that she probably was using you for free rent anyway. Just confused about the timeline though.

Cold a month before moving out. Then came after me 2 months after moving out. Things were pretty good for a year, then cheated with one of the girls i didn't fully cut off.

I didn't tell her, but she found out. She's a good detective I tell you.

And she wasn't using me for free rent. If I were in her shoes, she would've done the same for me.

 

[DMEDFISIK]

Look, it's very natural to glorify her especially after so many years, and so many rationalizations...

Why don't you marry her right away if she's so perfect? I heard this amazing quote from Peter Svidler (Chess Grandmaster):

Don't expect your problems to solve themselves.


To me, it sounds like you don't have the guts to marry her right away, because some things are not clicking but a whole array of excuses seems to be clouding your judgment. Feel free to fool yourself by making a list of pro-s and con-s, but just don't come around here and sell the good old "THE ONE" argument.

Everywhere else. But not here. Please.

I can't marry ANYONE right now because of my career plans. At the very least I should be done with my doctoral degree. I'm also applying to med school soon, so there's no rush to marry. Whoever I'm dating just has to wait, or she can leave.

You are also assuming that I think it's impossible to find another. I made it clear it's a distinct possibility, but will take a matter of time. My options have been increasing as I've been getting older and that gives me great confidence. I may be a bit devious, but I'm still looking out the back window to see if a viable candidate passes by. I'm honest about things, but not blinded by the truth.

 

[Boilermaker]

I may be a bit devious, but I'm still looking out the back window to see if a viable candidate passes by. I'm honest about things, but not blinded by the truth.

So it's OK to waste her prime years while you take the time to advance in your "career" and wait until it's EASIER for you to find better candidates because it'll "take time" to find someone else right now. But when the moment is right, you will kick her out, is that what you are trying to say?

Why don't you man up and decide what you want in your life; that'd do you much better than your PhD degree

 

[DMEDFISIK]

So it's OK to waste her prime years while you take the time to advance in your "career" and wait until it's EASIER for you to find better candidates because it'll "take time" to find someone else right now. But when the moment is right, you will kick her out, is that what you are trying to say?

Why don't you man up and decide what you want in your life; that'd do you much better than your PhD degree

I think it's unfair to do something like that. I do love her sincerely, and want to keep her. But right now it's as if she wants me, then pulls away--it's kind of draining. I understand it's because of the trust issue. I believe it will get better with time, and it's been.

However, at this rate, I am inclined to continue looking at other women outside, although I haven't fully acted upon it because it's unfair to her. This means the other option is to leave her alone for good and talk to other women. Perhaps I should be more patient. I'm in the wrong here.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear All,
This situation is a little like dropping a precious Meissen Vase and then getting it repaired by an expert craftsman.It may well be "almost" as good as New,but for her in particular things will never be the same...She will continually harp on about your bad behaviour and make your life miserable...Going back is like a dog returning to its own vomit.