Can you get her back if you're the one who made mistakes?

[jc_80]

Did her IL drop because of what she said? Or did I somehow do something I wasn't aware of? It helps to know so I can prevent it for the next one

Sounds to me like she moved too fast and you either lost your frame trying to handle it or she just wanted someone who moved as fast as her and she would've found branch swung to him anyway if you hadn't gone along with her plan on her terms. The point is that she lost interest. It's hard to know exactly why since we weren't in the relationship. But seems to me you have nothing to feel bad about. This whole "you didn't appreciate me" is garbage.

 

[jc_80]

Because of the distance I'd stay weekends there. We'd keep in touch throughout the week via texts.
We hung out mostly with her friends because I'd be up there. She did however meet my friends at one of their weddings.
Sex was great and according to her she never felt like she could let loose the way she did with me. She'd also say that she missed me if we didn't have sex. I could tell it made her feel wanted.
She did not have guy friends except for her female friends' husbands. They were all about doing things as a group.
In fact one thing she harped on was how important her friends were to her and low and behold 2/3 of them would mention my lack of "career" which she'd always say but I don't care about that because you make me happy. She was constantly telling me how happy I made her feel.

Ok so then you've mentioned needing a good job and career twice now. She's not going to come out and say "get a career". She'll drop hints by mentioning others have said it. Maybe it didn't matter after all. But you should know in your gut if you were dragging feet about bettering yourself. Was this an insecurity to you that you needed to fix before being comfortable enough to move in with her?
I'm telling you man, sex and humor and gaming skills, being caring, that will only keep her so long if she has self esteem and standards. You have to have a plan for your life and she has to fit into it without you comprising your aspirations just to appease her. You have to demonstrate progress. If you don't do this, you're heading towards AFC mode. You have no direction. You lose confidence and become insecure about losing her. You end up depending on her emotionally to cushion your fall as you settle into accepting ordinary.
I don't know man like I said I can spin scenarios all day. I'm saying all this to you because chance are she's done. And you need to become a man with a plan. And you'll meet more women who will respect that and you'll look back and kick yourself for pining for your ex. When you have a plan and believe in yourself, you'll gain confidence. And that's the important part of your life. Your next relationship will be better. If you just blame yourself as being a quarrelesome freeloader and leave it at that, then you're just going to be focused on kissing @$$ and paying for everything in the next relationship and pining for your ex until then.

Get a plan. Get a career. Work towards them. Next time you have contact with your, if it just has to happen. Tell her the breakup was good because it put you in the right direction in life and say nothing else.

 

[Oneday_]

Ok so then you've mentioned needing a good job and career twice now. She's not going to come out and say "get a career". She'll drop hints by mentioning others have said it. Maybe it didn't matter after all. But you should know in your gut if you were dragging feet about bettering yourself. Was this an insecurity to you that you needed to fix before being comfortable enough to move in with her?
I'm telling you man, sex and humor and gaming skills, being caring, that will only keep her so long if she has self esteem and standards. You have to have a plan for your life and she has to fit into it without you comprising your aspirations just to appease her. You have to demonstrate progress. If you don't do this, you're heading towards AFC mode. You have no direction. You lose confidence and become insecure about losing her. You end up depending on her emotionally to cushion your fall as you settle into accepting ordinary.
I don't know man like I said I can spin scenarios all day. I'm saying all this to you because chance are she's done. And you need to become a man with a plan. And you'll meet more women who will respect that and you'll look back and kick yourself for pining for your ex. When you have a plan and believe in yourself, you'll gain confidence. And that's the important part of your life. Your next relationship will be better. If you just blame yourself as being a quarrelesome freeloader and leave it at that, then you're just going to be focused on kissing @$$ and paying for everything in the next relationship and pining for your ex until then.

Get a plan. Get a career. Work towards them. Next time you have contact with your, if it just has to happen. Tell her the breakup was good because it put you in the right direction in life and say nothing else.

I agree. Part of the deal of me moving in was to get a job with her dad, this was her idea because he was making good money in the same field I was interested in.

Of course as tempting as it sounded, I was hesitant. She introduced this around the same time she wanted me to move in, so I thought what if we broke up, that'd be an awkward position to be in working with an ex's father.

You said I have to demonstrate progress. How does one continue demonstrating that if say he is in a steady income career? Do women want you to constantly be moving forward even if the job doesn't allow it?

 

[jc_80]

I agree. Part of the deal of me moving in was to get a job with her dad, this was her idea because he was making good money in the same field I was interested in.

Of course as tempting as it sounded, I was hesitant. She introduced this around the same time she wanted me to move in, so I thought what if we broke up, that'd be an awkward position to be in working with an ex's father.

Funny! One reason why I was hesitant to leave my wife was that I worked with her father. I get that. Did you mention that? I'd say big mistake if you did. Shows you have no faith in the relationship. She may have sensed this. People breakup though. She knows this. Her dad knows this. You can't be too risk averse. This is what happens. You don't have either one now. But don't let that stop you from letting it be an opportunity to do something better.

So now you're at two reasons. You hesitated about a good job. And you felt rushed to progress the relationship. Two separate issues or one drove the other.

Why do you always reveal bits at a time? Why not just put it all out in your initial thread? Just sayin you'd get better feedback from more people

I would highly advise against this but if you just have to know it's over for sure so you can move on, and you're willing to take the rejection all over again, tell her you would like to take that job if it's open and move in. Really I wouldn't do this and I'm sure others here would say the same and cant believe I would suggest this. But just sayin. If you find yourself hesitating again then she's just not right for you or you know already it's over and done.

 

[Oneday_]

Funny! One reason why I was hesitant to leave my wife was that I worked with her father. I get that. Did you mention that? I'd say big mistake if you did. Shows you have no faith in the relationship. She may have sensed this. People breakup though. She knows this. Her dad knows this. You can't be too risk averse. This is what happens. You don't have either one now. But don't let that stop you from letting it be an opportunity to do something better.

So now you're at two reasons. You hesitated about a good job. And you felt rushed to progress the relationship. Two separate issues or one drove the other.

Why do you always reveal bits at a time? Why not just put it all out in your initial thread? Just sayin you'd get better feedback from more people

I would highly advise against this but if you just have to know it's over for sure so you can move on, and you're willing to take the rejection all over again, tell her you would like to take that job if it's open and move in. Really I wouldn't do this and I'm sure others here would say the same and cant believe I would suggest this. But just sayin. If you find yourself hesitating again then she's just not right for you or you know already it's over and done.

No I did not mention to her that I thought it'd be a bad idea getting the job if things didn't work out between us. I merely said I'd be down for that and moving in but to give it a year first. Thinking back I think my reason for the year things was I mentioned I have trust issues due to previous relationships and she agreed with me.

Also, no way I'd contact her and mention I'd take the job now and move in lol. She knows I was up for all that in a year's time. I noticed our first "argument" made her seem distant, and then couple other little ones within days of each other just made her end things. I sensed she felt insecure like I was about to do the breaking up first.

 

[Oneday_]

Alright guys I need some input.

Some women I've known know my situation and they suggested that at the end of the month (since haven't been in contact with my ex)

That I have her favorite flowers delivered with a short and sweet note reminding her of something fun between us and basically wishing her well. No apologies no asking for a second chance.

They suggest this because she didn't feel appreciated/cared for and it might have her feel fond of me.

It sounds tempting since it's not a plea or anything kind of a hey this happened and it reminded me of you and this moment we had.

 

[speed dawg]

Alright guys I need some input.

Some women I've known know my situation and they suggested that at the end of the month (since haven't been in contact with my ex)

That I have her favorite flowers delivered with a short and sweet note reminding her of something fun between us and basically wishing her well. No apologies no asking for a second chance.

They suggest this because she didn't feel appreciated/cared for and it might have her feel fond of me.

It sounds tempting since it's not a plea or anything kind of a hey this happened and it reminded me of you and this moment we had.

Oh Good Lord.

No, no, no, no, no.

1) Never take advice on women from women. I get it, you're emotional, therefore they appeal to you. But they don't know anything about what 'attracts' women to men. You cannot reason with this girl, you cannot make her feel anything for you.

2) It further reinforces that you are a chump, and renders your NC period useless. She will know you have been thinking of her this whole time, and it will dry her p*ssy up faster than a jet blower.

3) You are nowhere near over her, so you are nowhere near the point needed to get her back. And you won't be until you absolutely don't give a sh*t about her.

 

[Oneday_]

Oh Good Lord.

No, no, no, no, no.

1) Never take advice on women from women. I get it, you're emotional, therefore they appeal to you. But they don't know anything about what 'attracts' women to men. You cannot reason with this girl, you cannot make her feel anything for you.

2) It further reinforces that you are a chump, and renders your NC period useless. She will know you have been thinking of her this whole time, and it will dry her p*ssy up faster than a jet blower.

3) You are nowhere near over her, so you are nowhere near the point needed to get her back. And you won't be until you absolutely don't give a sh*t about her.

I agree. They mentioned I should do that because my ex last time we spoke said things like "do you know how much it sucks to always feel 2nd to everyone?" "How no one ever puts you first except for you?"

So to them it was a way of showing hey things are over between us but I appreciated what we had and the memories.

My ex (now I realize) had issues with her dad ignoring her. So knowing this, does it mean she's attracted to guys who also ignore her or she wants someone to do the opposite?

 

[hockeyfreak79]

I agree. They mentioned I should do that because my ex last time we spoke said things like "do you know how much it sucks to always feel 2nd to everyone?" "How no one ever puts you first except for you?"

So to them it was a way of showing hey things are over between us but I appreciated what we had and the memories.

My ex (now I realize) had issues with her dad ignoring her. So knowing this, does it mean she's attracted to guys who also ignore her or she wants someone to do the opposite?

Dude just stop analyzing the whole thing! It doesn't matter what she's attracted to, daddy issues & all. She no longer gives 2 sh*ts what you are doing with your life. You need to do the same!

Move on with you life, get back to you & your hobbies. Look for a chick that lives within a 30 mile radius.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear One Day,
She has given you the flick....She doesn't want you back so why waste time on her?...move on...You are in danger of completely humiliating yourself,back away!

 

[Oneday_]

I know I know it's just that this was my doing by not reciprocating enough of the same feelings that she was.

It feels like she's forcing herself to move on because of that.

 

[Oneday_]

Ok here’s what the note would say with the flowers if I do decide to send at the beginning of Feb.

“(Name of artist we both liked) was on the radio and it made me think about our mini dance parties we’d have in your car. So now you get these beautiful (her favorite flowers) as a thank you for providing me with one of many fun memories that I can think about anytime I want to smile. You truly are an amazing woman and I am so happy that we had the opportunity to share those memories.
Make sure (her dog’s name) gets a flower and tell him he’ll always be my special boy

From your favorite person, an hour away.”

 

[MikeOck]

Ok here’s what the note would say with the flowers if I do decide to send at the beginning of Feb.

“(Name of artist we both liked) was on the radio and it made me think about our mini dance parties we’d have in your car. So now you get these beautiful (her favorite flowers) as a thank you for providing me with one of many fun memories that I can think about anytime I want to smile. You truly are an amazing woman and I am so happy that we had the opportunity to share those memories.
Make sure (her dog’s name) gets a flower and tell him he’ll always be my special boy

From your favorite person, an hour away.”

I know that this sounds like a good idea to you at the moment. I can promise you though that it is not. If you send that note, or flowers, or anything other than complete and total silence, you will regret it.

Look, getting dumped hurts. The pain you are feeling is your ego questioning it's own value. I can assure you, however, that you will get other women and that she is not some unicorn who can never be surpassed. You will survive, and thrive. This will not happen until you accept that she is gone.

The truth is that she was moving way too fast for any normal relationship. Your concerns were completely reasonable and wise. You were not being a bad boyfriend by preferring to give the relationship time to mature before committing to such a serious and possibly detrimental escalation of the relationship. Your living situation and career would have been completely in the hands of someone you had dated for a few months, someone with a proven ability to cut you off and move on in short order; bullet dodged.

She is moving on, so should you. She knows how you feel. The ONLY way she will ever come back is if you let her go and she decides to come back on her own. Every time you contact her it accomplishes two things: pushing her further away and handing her a piece of your self-respect.

Chances are that she isn't coming back. Even in the small chance that she did, things would never be the same. You will be fine as soon as you let her go.

 

[Kailex]

Good lord, why in the BLUE HELL are you still on board with the flowers idea? It's a TERRIBLE idea.

You asked, people said NO and now you are trying to float out on this forum what you should say on the flowers?

This is how the "flowers" are going to go.
You are going to send them and either:

A) She doesn't reply to you, you are devastated because you were expecting at least SOME type of response.

B) She replies to you with just "Thanks". And you are devastated because you were expecting MORE of a response.

C) She loves them, wants to get back with you and you head back into a relationship where you absolutely hold none of the frame and ANYTIME you mess up with her, she will remind you of all the times you dragged her through the mud and she'll expect more grand gestures like flowers.



These are you scenarios. This is what you have to look forward to if you send those flowers.

Choose Option D.

YOU DON'T SEND THEM. MOVE ON.

 

[speed dawg]

This one doesn't pass the smell test. I believe Oneday_ might be trollin' us.

 

[Oneday_]

This one doesn't pass the smell test. I believe Oneday_ might be trollin' us.

No I promise you I'm legit lol. I just feel pity for my ex since time has passed.

I know deep down she just always wanted to feel loved and never got it even from her friends. And then I was just unappreciative and kept being "alpha" by not showing much emotion or reassurance.

Looking back with a different perspective I know I pushed buttons out of fear of commitment. Not saying she was a complete saint but seeing things in a newer light I just feel bad for her.

The flowers/note thing was more of closure for me and not an attempt to win her back.

 

[Kailex]

The flowers/note thing was more of closure for me and not an attempt to win her back.

Then send them to yourself, if that is true. Otherwise, I call BS.

 

[Oneday_]

Actually I'm not sending her anything. I helped so much with her house and car. Sometimes going home achy. And she's really going to say things like if you cared you would have paid for dinner and surprised me with flowers? Get out of here. I didn't have to break my back working on a house that's not even mine. Did that because I cared about her and liked making her happy

If anything she should send me flowers. Don't know what made me realize all this today.

If she wants a guy who's going to pay for dinner and surprise her with flowers that's 99% of them out there that do that to win a girl over. So let her have her pick.

 

[Oneday_]

Update: she contacted me the other day to see how I was doing because we got hit with a big snowstorm. It turned into very casual friendly text exchanging.

We got on the subject of her father and she told me how he's aloof as usual and doesn't care about her like everyone else in her life. Then went on to say that I was no different.

Then she went into how she didn't think I'd reply to her text and thought she'd never hear from me. I told her well that's what you wanted so I backed off but felt should be friendly.

Then she says you're right I have nothing to say I met someone who makes me very happy. So I reply "lol" and she's all how is that even funny? So I say it's just funny how you've already met someone who makes you so happy, but hey all power to it

So then she flips! Tells me to go f*ck myself and to delete her number and to stop texting her or she'll block me and how I used her and used every excuse in the book to get what I wanted.

I simply replied what? Used you?

And she stopped replying. Wtf

 

[hockeyfreak79]

This is why no contact means no contact! She sucked you in just to twist the knife some more. Get it now?