breakup ensuing...advice needed

[vlf445]

I'll try and paint a quick picture while still being as detailed as possible....

My LTR of about 2 years is a very needy girl.

- She has spent time with me every day this semester, and sleeps over every chance she gets.

- She says "I love you" constantly (at least 5-10 times a day), and gets very upset when I don't reciprocate

- Literally, EVERY time we're sitting/walking together, she tries to hold my hand, and will get upset if I don't do it.

- She talks about our future all the time....what our kids will be like, where we want to live together, what she wants our marriage ceremony to be like (I usually don't say much to this stuff)

Since she is over at my place ALL THE TIME, I am not constantly talking to her, because I have sh!t that I need to do...and sometimes I just want some time to MYSELF. So we've been going through this strange cycle lately. It goes like this...

She starts to hang out with me more and more, gets consistently more upset when I don't talk to her enough/spend enough time with her. Eventually, I get fed up and tell her how I need my own space sometimes. After that, things are chill for a while, she always calls and asks if its cool if she can come hang out, understands when I'm busy, etc. But it slowly builds up again over 2-3 weeks, to the point where she's around constantly, sleeps over 5 nights a week, then gets sad and starts crying when I tell her to go home because I need to study.

I'm literally starting to make up excuses of homework and other sh!t so I can just get some time to myself. Today was one of the days I got fed up and told her I needed to take her home so I could get some work done. She wouldn't talk to me the whole way to her place because she I didn't talk to her enough while she was at my place for 5 hours this morning.

So I got to really thinking about the breakup that I know has been coming. There are 3 real big issues I keep playing in my head over and over again that are slowing me down from doing what needs to be done.

1) We have a mutual group of friends

2) I'm prone to go through bouts of low self esteem when nothing seems to be going well for me

3) I have only been with 2 girls in my life...my social skills aren't great outside of my group of friends (I've been working on this for years, it's gotten easier but it's still very much there), so I don't know if I'll be meeting any other girls who are actually interested in me any time soon.

I'm scared that when I break it off, I'll lose my closest friends (on top of already being hurt from ending a 2 year LTR), which will cause my self esteem to spiral out of control and send me straight into the depression I was in 2 years ago. I know I can't get married to this girl like she seems to have planned, but I just don't see myself ending it and having a miserable semester or two during my last year of college. I'm really nervous of losing my good friends, who would be my only real support system. The only other group of friends I have is a lot more superficial and would likely not be helpful to my situation...last time I was in a bad spot, I confessed a bunch of **** to what I thought was my close friend and he posted it posted on an internet forum and never helped me out whatsoever.

I'd really love some advice/criticisms/insights/etc. Especially from those who have been in similar situations. Thanks

 

[SteveTheDon]

send her my way, im a needy dude

 

[Diaforetikos]

You need to realize that getting into your relationship was your decision. All consequences of YOUR decision are YOURS to handle. Be a man and except what your dealt with.

In saying that, you need to decide, do you want to continue this relationship. If so, sit her down and you two need to come into an UNDERSTANDING of what will make this relationship work in the favor of both of you. I capitalize understanding, because this is important. A clear understanding is when you can teach what has been discussed to someone else, based off of your understanding. But it also means to put it into action. No half doing it. On either of your parts. Hold each other accountable so that you get to where you want your relationship to be.


Now if you don't want to continue this relationship, you need to be ready to accept all the drama that comes along with it. You are a man. If your insecure, work on it. If your gonna lose friends, find new ones. If you can't find another girl, be content with being alone. Men don't need women. They need us.

This is decision time. Be wise, meaning sit down and actually take time to think this through. Remember your a man. You have control.

Good luck mate.

 

[Alex DeLarge]

I'm literally starting to make up excuses of homework and other sh!t so I can just get some time to myself. Today was one of the days I got fed up and told her I needed to take her home so I could get some work done. She wouldn't talk to me the whole way to her place because she I didn't talk to her enough while she was at my place for 5 hours this morning.

Don't make up excuses for time for yourself, just be truthful and say you need time to yourself.

So I got to really thinking about the breakup that I know has been coming. There are 3 real big issues I keep playing in my head over and over again that are slowing me down from doing what needs to be done.

1) We have a mutual group of friends

2) I'm prone to go through bouts of low self esteem when nothing seems to be going well for me

3) I have only been with 2 girls in my life...my social skills aren't great outside of my group of friends (I've been working on this for years, it's gotten easier but it's still very much there), so I don't know if I'll be meeting any other girls who are actually interested in me any time soon.

1.) Your real friends will still be friends with you.
2.) That's a pretty normal thing after ending an LTR. Just deal with it and move on.
3.) You said your social skills are improving, you will have a better chance NOW than you did BEFORE.

I'm scared that when I break it off, I'll lose my closest friends (on top of already being hurt from ending a 2 year LTR)

Like I said before, your real friends will stick around. If your ex will be with them hanging out.. Then they probably won't hit you up out of respect for her. You just have to understand that and it's the price you pay for dating within a social circle.

Which will cause my self esteem to spiral out of control and send me straight into the depression I was in 2 years ago.

A woman should not effect your self esteem at all. It's obviously going to be sad to end an LTR and anyone that denies this is a liar, but your self esteem should be that of a diamond, valuable and unscratchable.

I know I can't get married to this girl like she seems to have planned, but I just don't see myself ending it and having a miserable semester or two during my last year of college.

SHE planned it. YOU didn't (according to what you posted). Don't bend your decisions for ANYONE'S benefit if it does not work out for you as well. And like I said before, this decision will likely hurt you, but do not let it affect your self esteem. It will be tough for a few weeks, but you'll eventually get over it. Good friends are key in these kind of situations.

I've been in the same situation man. Girls that smother you too much.. You just have to move on from her because she's getting in the way of what YOU need to get done. Call it selfish, I call it reality.

A girl I was seeing a few months ago told me I might as well dump her if I'm going to move back to school (which is only a 45 minute drive from my hometown)... Know what that told me?

1.) She's selfish
2.) She's insecure
3.) She doesn't want the best for me

Then I thought about it and said to myself.. Those are the exact traits of a person I despise.

 

[Zarky]

The OP's girl totally sounds like my type, I love needy broads. Why doesn't the OP start dating other women in addition to her?

 

[Scars]

I went through the same thing man with my BPD ex, but you've probably been handling it like me, I bet clingyness is a turn off for you huh? I used to have the same kind of talks about wanting "me time", and she acted like she understood but it would only last for a day or two, it became suffocating, and even when we were together, she would find some reason to be pissed off at me.

But listen, no matter how the break up happens, you will ALWAYS be the bad guy, no matter what. You'll be the guy who didn't pay enough attention to her/love her enough, you were neglectful, didn't deserve her etc... if she is actually borderline she may go as far as claim you beat her, raped her, cheated on her etc.. (as my ex did).

So swallow that pill now. See this as a test of friendship. If these guys can't be cool with both of you, or understand YOUR side of the story (as any real man should, all you have to do is tell them what you told us. she was being too clingy, I never had time for myself, I want my life back) any good/real man should understand. If not, then fvck them.

After my break up, I had a circle of friends that stayed true to me (granted, all of them knew game or what I would consider "real" men). But then I had other friends in my circle (who I thought were trust worthy) trying to sleep with my ex right afterwards. Or were being messenger to her. It got to the point where I couldn't speak about my situation/depression to anyone except like 2 people. It sucks, but you get over it man.

Trust this though. Most of the men will try and play both sides (cause deep down they want a piece of that too, unless they are TRUE friends), girls will mostly stick on your side, but also might try to play both sides as well. If you break up with her, you got to know and expect it. Don't take it too harshly though. It's also difficult for them, cause they value both of your guys friendship.

Don't try too hard about getting them on your side though. In all honesty, you're better off just ignoring the issue and acting like she doesn't exist, and if she gets brought up, just say you don't wanna talk about it, and keep it at that. You may run into her, but stay cool, and don't make it awkward. It sounds like you can already blow her off without remorse, so running into her shouldn't be a problem. Remember, this is what YOU want. You wanted me time, so now you're gonna get it. A lot of it, actually. But the few times you want to kick it with friends, expect that she may be there, or get brought up in conversation.

Just painting you a picture of what's to come man. Do what feels right. Good luck.

-Scars

 

[Masculinity]

OP: Is she in southern CA? I'll take care of her for you

 

[vlf445]

I know it's been a while, but I finally did it. Things were going great after I started this thread so my negative feelings subsided, but earlier today the endless cycle came back up again, and we got in a fight. Eventually I realized that if I was ever going to do it, it would be now, so I pulled the trigger.

I'm !@#$ing torn up over it right now (it was only about 30 minutes ago), so I'm hoping the healing process will hurry its @ss up. I've never been the person in the relationship who breaks it off.....**** it hurts, man.

 

[Masculinity]

I've been there too, bud. I know how it feels; my relationship lasted 2.5 years and I had to end it because I lost interest. Read the no contact challenge and stick to it. It is the ONLY way you'll recover.

 

[vlf445]

@Robyn

Will do, thanks man. By the way, she is in southern CA.....LA actually, but that's all you get to know

 

[DonGorgon]

she is a ho that is trying not to ho..