Boundary crew needed...

[Oneday_]

@Rainman

Why do you keep bringing it up to her? That alone shows he's a threat regardless what you say. Don't even try calling him a dork etc

She wants to feel like you're not affected thus convincing her you're the guy she wants. Don't push her into his arms. Don't even worry about making things exclusive.

Just be an attractive guy and let her worry about it. Sounds like you're invested more than she is. Reverse that

 

[Rainman4707]

Update :- She texted me saying she has never been with anyone for Halloween so she would like to do something with me.
I replied "I'm not sure what is happening with us yet. The Harry situation."
She replied "You need to work out what you don't like about it. Then we can work it out.

Thanks for your time Danger, it's much appreciated. I'm going to reread the boundaries threads & have a think.

I really like this girl & will be sad if it ends, but I'm thinking about telling her that I don't want her seeing him when it's just the two of them.

 

[Rainman4707]

Rang her before I saw your latest post Danger.

I told her that if she respected & valued me then I shouldn't have to tell her to stop seeing him one on one. I said that I told her the first time we met after we became exclusive that I didn't like the idea of her seeing him one on one.

She was saying that I don't trust her & asking if I have been cheated on in the past. I said I have, but that isn't the matter. the matter is that she must'nt respect me & value me enough. If she did she wouldn't be seeing him considering we are EXCLUSIVE.

She said she feels I'm backing her into a corner again (I once told her that if she revealed something about her past it would make us closer).

She said I'm hiving her an ultimatum.

She asked if I've spoke to anyone about it. I said no, but I've heard my friends discussing it in the past..i said some friends give boundaries upon exclusivity & others say if girlfriend respects & values Boyfreind she wouldn't see other guys one on one. I told her if she thought her brother would be happy if his wife was seeing other men one one in the cinema.

She said she dose'nt like me texting other women. I said I wouldn't if that's what she wants.

She felt I was giving her an ultimatum. I said I'm not "you shouldn't be seeing other guys if you valued our relationship. She said "what is it!? You think i'll cheat? She thought I didn't trust her. She said twice she only see's him once a month. I told her I did trust her, but I don't like her seeing other guys one on one. Told her the ball is in court. She said she needs to get other peoples view & have a think about it.

 

[zekko]

First off, I agree with Danger.

Secondly, I would never have agreed to be exclusive with this girl if she was seeing her ex. There's where you really made your mistake.

Third, I hate to say this but I would have dumped her by now. She's putting up way to much resistance, she's using all the female tricks to reset the frame and make this whole thing YOUR fault. YOU are jealous, YOU are giving her ultimatums, YOU are making unreasonable demands on her, YOU don't trust her, YOU are trying to back her into a corner, YOU are trying to be controlling with her, WHY are you doing this to her, WHAT are your reasons for not liking her hanging out with her ex (she's just looking for you to explain yourself and looking for more ammo to use against you).

If she was the type of girl who would willingly behave herself she probably wouldn't be kicking this hard. That's enough for me to disqualify her. But like Danger says, if you're not ready to dump her, there's always Dasein's idea. You may lose her anyway, but you should be ready for that. That, or buckle under her thumb, hand her the frame, and be her little b!tch for the rest of the relationship.

 

[Rainman4707]

I just rang her to say that if she isn't prepared to dump him we'll end it.

She didn't answer.

She rang back 10 minutes later.

I told her that she isn't dumping him so we should end relationship & that way we can see other people.

She said "is that what you want?"

Rainman :- well you're not going to dump him so I think it's for the best?

HB7.3 :- Well I was going to say that I've spoke to a few men & annoyingly they all agree with you....so i'll stop seeing Harry.

Rainman4707 :- Ok then.

Hb7.3 :- So what do you want to do?

Rainman :- ........well fair enough..you agree with my boundary so we'll keep relationship going.

She said she knew we wouldn't split up over this as we're supposed to be together & after speaking with other men she agrees with me. She mentioned she hasn't got much experience with relationships so...

She say's I will have to go to pictures with her now!! instead of Harry as she hasn't got many friends. Blah Blah. I said we'll see what happens

She dos'nt want me texting other lasses any more ( she wasn't happy when we were dating & a lass sent me a nude.)

I said my friend told me to end relationship, but she has agreed to my boundary so we'll keep relationship going. She asked if I was sure?

Rainman:- Yes. what do you think?

Hb7.3 :- well are you sure as your friend said to end it?.

Rainman :- ................yes well you've agreed to boundary, so we'll keep it going. I was going to end it because you were taking the pi** & disrespecting me, but you are new to relationships as am I...what do you think?

Hb7.3 :- I want you

She said we're strong & she knew this wouldn't break us. She said she loves me & is with going to be with me for a long time. She knows this. She wanted to know what I thought?

I said I was going to dump her as she was disrespecting me, but she has agreed so I'm glad.

 

[sodbuster]

One of the "new women" who doesn't have a CLUE on what a relationship involves. Don't be surprised to see other things like it pop up.... but OK for now

 

[Atom Smasher]

Soolaimon, age is required in your profile to post here in MM. Please put it in.

 

[zekko]

She said she knew we wouldn't split up over this as we're supposed to be together & after speaking with other men she agrees with me. She mentioned she hasn't got much experience with relationships so..

Sounds like you've reached an agreement. The question now is will she keep it? There's something about the sound of this chick that I don't like. For instance, she's talked this over with her family, and with other men. Doesn't she have any female friends to talk to? Is she one of these girls with only all male friends?

Before you reached your agreement, I was thinking of making this suggestion. I'd kind of like to hear what some of the other posters think of this idea:
What if you told her "I think we need to step back from being exclusive for now, because it doesn't sound like you are ready to let go of your ex"?

I have one caveat: I tend to think that once you break up with a girl, that's pretty much the end, because even if you get back together with her for awhile, eventually the same things will end up pulling you apart again. But if that's the case, it just isn't meant to be anyway.

 

[Vulpine]

Look, i wasn't bothered about her seeing him when i was dating her, but now she's mine :nono:

^^^That's your problem^^^

She's not, and never will be, "yours".

Even with a ring on her finger, she's not your possession. Hell, she isn't even obligated to you. She owes you nothing.

You may believe that exclusivity is mutually implied boundary when entering a relationship: it's not anymore. It has to be asked for and agreed upon. For you to push her into exclusivity, and not her, handed over your frame. She has all the power, and you aren't confident. Combined, it will be game over for her and you: she's likely already looking around for someone who isn't lacking in confidence such that they'll be jealous of orbiters.

She should be demanding that YOU stop hanging out with chicks, not vice-versa.

Sorry, but it's that way: I hope you can recognize that dynamic within your situation.

By the way... texting? All that over text? She's as good as gone.

 

[Rainman4707]

She also discussed it with her mother, auntie & a couple of female friends. She said the men she spoke to were her stepfather & brother & she spoke to her brothers girlfriend. She only had one male friend which was the one mentioned in my posts.

@ Vulpine. I didn't push her into exclusivity & she was the one keep asking me for the relationship. Also The interaction wasn't done over text!

 

[Oneday_]

And how often will your frame be the subject of discussion by her family while also being the determining factor in her choices forever onward?

I see red flags everywhere here. This reminds me of a friend who had a girl with a similar situation. Not that she was seeing ex's but that her mother runs her life.

Guess who runs his life now too? The mother. Your situation is the same. The family will hold the frame by proxy and you do not have the balls to up and walk out.

Tell us more about your dating history. How old are you and her? How many girls have you dated and how many LTR's have you had? How long since your previous girlfriend?

I agree with Danger. My ex was run by her friend's opinions of me which she constantly made a point to mention and then follow up with "but I don't care what they think" so why even mention it? Guess what in the end she brought up everything they had said as her own point of views!

How old is she? She sounds young if she doesn't know the protocol of being "exclusive" I'd proceed with caution. It's like a mechanic who's constantly going to need to Google the proper fix for a client's car.

 

[Rainman4707]

Well you're the experienced one Danger, but I feel I might be over reacting if I dumped her for this.

Well I'm a good looking man so when I was at school I had my fair share of good looking girls. From sixteen to nineteen I had a couple three to six month relationships with 7's 8's. I didn't have much game though

Lost my virginity at nineteen. From nineteen to twenty four I attracted a few girls, but didn't have much game & got stung a couple times. It was at this point I wanted to learn about seduction. I wanted tools to attract women. I had been reading De Angelos newsletters briefly during this period. I had a big social group so I would meet my friends in pub on Saturday afternoon drinking beer & watching football so by the time the night came I was usually to drunk to do well with ladies. I liked my beer & football. I suppose women came third + like I say my game wasn't good & I was a nice guy.

From 24 to 26 I worked long hours making lots of money. I became 27 & started spending a lot of time on the internet studying attraction. I would say it was June 2012 when I started making progress with women mainly because I thought it's time to get serious I want to find a wife I know this won't go down well , but I joined POF & started interacting with women a lot more due to this whilst spending a lot of time studying attraction

I had slept with four women before June 2012. Since then I have slept with eleven. Date twenty. My game is always improving.

My last relationship was for 3 month in winter of 2009.

My current Girl is 30 & I'm 29.

I was in a relationship with a girl for nine months when I was fourteen. I've had about relationships that lasted three to five month most of them when I was 16-24.

 

[Vulpine]

I just rang her to say that if she isn't prepared to dump him we'll end it.

She didn't answer.

She rang back 10 minutes later.

My bad, I skimmed this part. You weren't texting, but still, over the phone? Matters like this are for in-person conversation, the phone is for setting up meetings.

Boundary discussions require eye contact. If there is no face-to-face interaction, the boundary isn't likely going to be recognized. Over phone, text, or e-mail, boundaries (or any important matters) stay "theory" in virtual reality, like so much other spam she filters out throughout the day, which is likely why women don't take heed. In person, however, boundaries are made real. The difference being the display of your nutsack. Without demonstrating your nuts, boundaries and such are treated as empty threats and general douchebaggotry, and ultimately serve to drive away plates.

If you don't have the nuts to have those sort of discussions face-to-face, then, you aren't going to be respected as having nuts. And, women crave men who have nuts, not vaginas, right?

Brringgg.... Bringg...
Hello?
Blah blah blah blah blah...
Hey... Let's talk about that when you're here, not over the phone. Come over tomorrow night and we'll discuss it.

 

[Rainman4707]

@ Vulpine. I agree these things are best discussed in person. However I told her I didn't her seeing him on Sunday night when I was at hers. I didn't want to wait until Friday (next time I see her) so told her over phone. Personally I think she's got the message. She won't see him again one on one.

@ Danger. If I was twenty four maybe I would'n't have entered a relationship with her. My family & friends all said that I should enter relationship (I'd been dating her for four & half month)
Ultimately it was my decision to finally accept her proposals of relationship.
I'm thirty in a couple weeks & I've been looking for the last couple of years for a good girl. This bird seems nice, I have things in common with her too. Time will tell. She hasn't had many boyfriends & hasn't slept with many men. She's nice, sexy & we get on really well.

I can understand your advice Danger & there's a very good chance you'll be correct about her. I remember last time this year I was dating a girl for three month & was going to propose that me & her both stop seeing other people. The Don Juans advised against it, telling me to spin plates. I proposed my offer & a couple weeks later she told me she wasn't digging me.