Bored? I've got a long story and need advice.

[realsmoothie]

Hi guys. I have a longer story for you that I'll try to keep short.

Basically it's about me, my friend George (26) and his now-ex-girlfriend Randee (23) (good fake names, huh?). I've known George for maybe five years, we were at one point what I'd consider best friends. We were never really "close" because he liked to keep his issues deep down. Pretty decent guy, though.

He started dating this girl Randee three years ago. They initially seemed like a good pairing but then it was pretty clear that she was way too extroverted and wanted to go out and party while he was more of a stay-at-home type. Randee and I got along really, really well as friends almost right away and it wasn't long before her and I were going out to the bar (almost always with others). We got pretty close, as she is one of these agressive, almost masculine type girls who's dirty-minded, a little amoral, you know the drill. But I was never attracted to her, she was really unrefined physically (kinda not too well kept, bushy eyebrows, you know).

As their relationship soured Randee and I would occasionally, very occasionally, fool around a little. I wasn't really into it much, but when it started I was in the middle of a lame relationship with another girl so it was kind of fun. Randee and George broke up at one point about two years ago and Randee and I boned... it was not very good. She also had sex with this guy Braden who she's been into for years and years. Then her and George got back together.

Anyhow cut to about eight months ago. Randee and George are fighting constantly, at least by her many descriptions of their relationship. I start getting frustrated with George, who's having occasional panic attacks, quitting and starting drinking, and being socially reclusive. So I start telling her they should just break the hell up... partially selfishly because I want to go out to the clubs with her (good for getting attention) and would like to hang out with George and watch movies.

We get to this spring, and it's pretty much inevitable that they will. Something changes in me... I start finding her really attractive. We kiss one night, and it's pretty damned electric. She's now a better dresser, she cleans up a bit and gets a nicer haircut. She looks great, and I'm like "uh oh"... I can feel it coming. She and George, now living together, finally break up and Randee and I have a couple of the hottest almost-sex nights I've ever had.

We talk about "us" and it's at this point where I realize that I'm totally screwed. According to Randee, George would absolutely peak if he knew about us or we ever got together... and to boot she doesn't want to be in a relationship so the best we could do is a sort of hidden friends with benefits scenario. Of course, we both know any sex is going to carry a serious emotional charge what with us being so close over such a long time already.

We boned last week... almost, as I was drunker than a skunk and couldn't quite get a bone. She was hot as hell, spitting on my weiner all slobbery-like and telling me to put fingers in her butt... all great stuff. Since then we've hung out a bunch of times but she always brings out someone else with her, and to boot she's still living with George because neither of them can move out until the end of this month. She's also going to visit a friend of hers across the country...a guy I know totally has the hots for her.

This was all very stressful for me. I started to realize that I probably don't want her THAT much but the fact that I can't really "have" her is making me uber-jealous. It got even worse because I could tell she really, really likes me but is totally torn and is trying to keep me at arm's length until she sorts out her ****.

Then last night everything comes to a head. We're drinking late, there's another guy there but we're all over each other. Then for some reason I bring up the fact that I feel I'm kind of being used, which is true, I partially feel like a fallback and that she's been making her old relationship with George seem worse just to keep me interested. It explodes, she splits. We talk on the phone, yelling. I'm in bed, still talking on the phone she says "I'm coming over". It's 4 a.m. and we argue worse than any argument I've ever had... she's crying and flipping out, hitting me with her bag and eventually leaves.

I go home, righteously pissed off and feeling both quite used and hopeless because it's clear that she is really into me. I'm also sad for being whiny and overreactive. I get into bed, and GEORGE calls me at 6 am. Asks me what I did to her, she's a total mess, and that I "better stay away from her, buddy".

I've done some thinking about this and I need input on my plan. First, I'm going to email both of them simultaneously and come somewhat clean with George. He obviously knows that SOMETHING is going on. I'm going to say that I had/have a crush on Randee but not mention that we actually did anything, and that we should all try and get over it and be friends. If Randee asks, I'm going to tell her that it's over between us because it just can't work.

I'm hoping that this will get George back as a friend eventually and will convince Randee to either poo or get off the pot. I'm betting that we'll end up hooking up anyhow at some point, but does it sound good to tell her that we're officially NOT going to? I really like this girl's long-term potential. Not that I'm going to stick on it, though, I've been teetering on the edge of oneitis too long.

Sorry about the length of this thing, for those of you that make it through, good job.

 

[Warrior74]

Christchurch. I left this site and come back to see this on the top page? Good lord. Bros before hoes.

No confessions, none of that my son. Just back the hell away from both of them. It's over. You just lost a friend and slut. Charge that to the game and learn something from your behavior. Desperate git.

Leave them both alone. Confessing is not gonna make him be your friend or trust you. It will do the opposite. Forcing her hand and exposing her lies and deception will make her hate you. They may bond even harder over their hatred of you. You will be the villian who came and disrupted their happy relationship which will limp along until she find someone else or he wises up.

Keep your mouth closed and take your lumps. Good luck.

 

[jophil28]

I predict that the replies are likely to be from the two moral poles . The 'moralists' (I am a proud member) will tell you, or at least have their private opinion, that you had no business doing her while she was in a relationship with George and that you ended up with the inevitable consequences of moral and ethical bottom-feeding.

The 'relativists' will perhaps sympathise with your plight. Who knows?.
I guess that you are about to get a veritable buffet of advice.
Take your choice.

 

[realsmoothie]

I should be pretty clear that she and I didn't do anything while she and he were actually together. It was almost entirely in their little broken-up times.

We did cuddle and stuff while completely hammered a few times while they were dating it's true. I felt a little bad, but not really because of the physical contact. If anything she was emotionally cheating on him.

It became less of an issue as time passed because I never saw him, we kind of fell away from each other. He got really busy, and our work schedules never mixed, and half the time we made plans they'd fall apart. I got a couple of other "serious" guy friends in that meantime who kind of filled his role.

However, point taken, Warrior. I do admit to pretty much pushing myself inadvertantly into a desperate position. I have been good at this in the past...

 

[samspade]

You have been slumming, and you painted yourself into a corner.

I recommend you abstain from any communication with them for a while. ESPECIALLY Randee.

I thought about this, and if a friend did this to me during little "broken-up times" as you called them, I'd be a little pissed, but I'd probably feel more pity for you than anything. You are like the lone wolf searching for scraps. Then, when a bored and trashy female dangled something in front of you, instead of a) turning it down, or b) pumping and dumping, you made the mistake of developing feelings for her. This was not involuntary - you allowed it to happen.

Telling Randee you can't see her anymore is you gilding the lily. Just cut her off. She'll figure it out. Saying so is just an invitation for her to cry, beg, yell, scream, or try to turn the tables on you.

As for George, well, he'll piece it together. It's his call if he wants to be friends with you. For now, make yourself scarce and don't put yourself in a position where you are, as jophil said, bottom feeding.

 

[guru1000]

You couldn't find the other hundred thousand hot women out there, so you tap your friend's girl with bushy eyebrows. This is the type of girl you take home to mama so your cousins can have a piece, a buffet.

Tell your friend you banged her and walk away. The only justice you can do at this point is to let your naive AFC bud know everyone had a piece. If he chooses to waste more time with this recycled ho*r after the fact, it's on him.

 

[Mr. Me]

This most likely isn't what you're looking for, but I thought I'd cover it. When I read stories like yours, I get a good laugh, honestly, because the guy describes a lousy situation with a lousy chick, but then always asks for advice on how to get her to stay. C'mon, that's funny!

You have this chick who basically just wants you for sex, and you're doing all this thinking about her and burning bridges on a friendship plus cheated on your own GF because of her. She doesn't want to be in a relationship she tells you, which means that she doesn't really want you (and so it's no wonder you've got this gut feeling that you're being used), as does her excuse that she's "torn" and sorting out her stuff, which is simply a stalling tactic women use to keep guys hanging on, because when they really want you, they don't say things like that. You never hear them say "I want to enjoy my freedom for a while - I just got out of a LTR. I'm sooo confused" nothing like that. You'll hear "I wasted the last five years on that lousy ex of mine and I'm sooo happy I'm with you!" In line with that reality, she's even planning on visiting yet another guy who she's obviously going to fool around with (that's if she's even telling you everything she's up to), but even with all that you think she "really, really likes you" but for some reason notwithstanding so really really liking you the way you say she does - she needs to be pushed to "poo or get off the pot"? When a woman's interested, you don't have to do anything to convince her to choose you, quite the reverse, the woman tries to convince you to choose her. My guess is, you're going to end up with tramp poo.

 

[STR8UP]

Lose-lose.

Chicks who are "with" your friends are off limits. Unless you don't value the friendship, but that's another topic.

I'll let you in on a little secret.....

This chick is USING you.

Yea, that's right. You are a means to an end.

I am good friends with a guy who is, for all intents and purposes, a "catch". Money, house, car, toys, looks, game, etc.

He has a younger g/f who I get along well with.

They "take breaks" from time to time. I'm friends with both, so I know he goes off and fukks other chicks, and she does her own thing when they are technically "apart".

One of those times when they were "broken up", she comes over to my place, grabs a new toothbrush out of my stash, and proceeds to write her name on it with a sharpie marker, placing it prominently in my master bathroom.

Of course I removed it as soon as she left, but the point was clear; her intent was to use ME to make him jealous.

I have never laid a hand on her and never will, but I know the score. She knows he is a high value male and has plenty of options, so she is exercising her own form of power

I am still good friends with both of them to this day, but only due to my prudence regarding her power plays.

You fukked up.

The friendship is as good as gone. Most guys are emotional pussies over women. Even if he didn't really care about her he will blame YOU, and you will be the ass hole.

As I stated earlier, she is USING you. Nothing salvageable there.

Best thing you can do is walk away from the whole thing.

 

[jophil28]

When a woman's interested, you don't have to do anything to convince her to choose you, quite the reverse, the woman tries to convince you to choose her. My guess is, you're going to end up with tramp poo.

True.

 

[jophil28]

I go home, righteously pissed off and feeling both quite used and hopeless because it's clear that she is really into me.

TO the OP - Read this quote over and over until you feel the contradiction of what you wrote .

IF a woman is, "really into me( you) " you will not go home, "righteously pissed off, feeling used and hopeless ".
Quite the opposite, you will go home in the afterglow knowing EXACTLY where you stand and how she is feeling toward you. IF she is really into you there is no doubt, no confusion and no sense of hopelessness.

However you will feel used and hopeless if you are being fukked over and manipulated by a low quality ho, OR if you have had the misfortune to be falling for a Cluster B wack.

 

[jonwon]

Women playing friends of on each other has happened since the dawn of time.

What better way to feed her ego then have 'friends' compete over her.

You see this in normal dating scenario's when approaching girls, hence this type of thing makes or breaks tag teams - i.e two guys going out and gaming girls - What usually happens is both guys like one girl and the girl will use this to her advantage and play - long time standing friends off, on each other - it rewards her attention and maybe, just maybe she will sleep with one guy if it really pisses off the other.

Like Str8Up said, girls can use you to get back at the BF - guys with experiance can see through this, but all too often most guys are 'flattered' by the attention and cant avoid the girl when its offered on a plate.

Personnally I have a policy to never sleep with any girl any of my friends have dated or slept with, that includes one night stands - that shi* just aint respectable - I have no problems sleeping with married women, especcially when the women is persuing you, but I draw the line with friends.

I also feel its about how many other options you can create, for example a guy with limited options would take the bait and jump and the chance and not give a shi* about the consequences.

But in all fairness the one to take total blame is the person in the relationship, but more often then not the other partner will blame the person they cheated with rather then the cheater, especcially AFC beta's anyway - There is nothing worse then a guy blaming the other guy for banging his wife, when it was his wife who was the one in a relationship -

Yes I feel you should tell your mate, he deserves better at least you can give him that much.

Also this thread is another testiment why I dont tolerate women having male friends - To me its asking for trouble. Even when the guy doesn't fancy the chick he could still bang her, because guys are horney - simple has - Also every guy I know who has female friends secretly want to fuc* them - This usually takes alot to get out of the male friend, but more often then not, when you sit them down get them drunk and bring up the female friend and sway the conversation to 'would you' - they always say "yes".

This girl has many red flags also, worth screwing (but not if a mate has already tapped it in my book)

Red flags:
1: Party Chick
2: Male friends
3: Living with Ex BF
4: Totally slutty in bed, not normally a bad thing - but adding the above together -

Tells me this girl has had a shi* load of experiance, loads of sexual encouters, likes to party, loves to flirt, adhores attention from men - Does not respect boundaries and is very much a 'party chick' - Good for fuc*ing but thats about it.

This is like reading something from a mills and boons novel and tbh rather honest this chick has all the attention she could desire - please dont give her anymore - she is not worth it past fuc*ing her, even then I'd be wondering if I could be arse* and I definatly would not rub another friends rubarb EVER, Never have Never Will.

Your friend if he wanted to could boot her as* out, the only reason he has not because he is probably too nice - hence this girl is sticking the knife in each and every time she gets the opportunity to do so - even if she does fancy you, at least you could have waited till she was off the scene for a few months - rather then still living with the guy - imagine being in his shoes?

Edit.

You've lost Goerge has a friend he has already showed he is willing to take her side over yours - This does not bode well - When you come clean 100% the sexual encouter will be your fault, i see this coming a mile away, its has clear as crystal.

But you should tell him to at least open his eyes and finally boot the skank to the kirb, like I said you owe him that much - you where supposed to be friends afterall.

This girl is not long term potential.

She is a party chick, with more red flags then Islam.

 

[realsmoothie]

I love this place. No holds barred!

Guru: I was in a VERY different space then than now. If her circa-two years ago had walked up to me now, I wouldn't have blinked twice. But she's really come into her own quite a bit since then. And I have too, which seems weird for 35 but my self-esteem has jumped leaps and bounds since then. And yes, she did tell me she is "curious" sexually about this guy she's visiting but has no long-term interest in him. Strange girl.

Str8up: I do agree that she's using me, but I don't agree that she's ONLY using me. Does that make sense? I think she's really, really confused. Not that it really matters, at this point for me it's pretty much the same. She's gonna have to prove herself at this point. As for "George", he's a class-A pansy and I'm pretty sure given time he'll be fine with it... his ego's just so tied up with this girl any infraction is considered an attack. He can't afford to not be my friend, not in our small town where I'd see him randomly all over.

Mr. Me: Actually she said exactly those words: "I want to enjoy my freedom for a while". No ****.

jophil: you're right about the contradiction I made, but I think you hit the nail on the head later in your post. I don't think she's a "ho", but damn straight she's a little wacko. That's the problem... she's not anything like any girl I've ever met. All those little things I like about her wouldn't exist if she was a typical "girl"... she'd be boring as hell.

Anyhow, I've decided not to send any emails or whatnot. I did text her today basically saying "wussup", she eventually got back with something to the effect of "I'm sorry, last night was hell and I need time". Her and her BF have both removed themselves from facebook temporarily... looks like all hell broke lose after she got back and now they've mutually decided to avoid each other in every way possible. Whatever, I'm still pretty pissed and -after your guys' comments - it's clear to me that there's serious manipulation going on. I'm not giving up on her entirely in the long run, but for now I'm going to try (try) to avoid her when she texts/calls/fb's whatever and see if I can separate myself.

I am feeling infinitely better than I did this afternoon when I made this post. Thanks, boys. Will keep you updated.

 

[ketostix]

One-itis for a BPD and top of that she's your friend's ex. Yeah this is going to end up well.