Blindsided breakup - 7 year LTR

[dazednconfused]

Following Hikers thread of a similar nature, this is what happened to me two months ago:

Me - 25 Her - 27

LTR 6 1/2 years. Moved in after uni etc 8 months ago, got own place 3 months ago. No relationship problems really. Broke up for a few days over crimbo over stupid household chores etc. Sorted that out, all seemed well. Jan went well - no probs. Told that she loved me, still good sex life, passed some exams and she was so happy for me - in a couple kind of way. Mid Jan - decorating our house, buying some prints for the walls etc......

Then a few days later, wakes up beside me, says "I can't do this anymore". Totally blindsided. The 'reasons':
• she's too fatigued
• I haven't met her expectations
• loves but is not in love (though still fancies... Wtf)
• circumstances aren't right for us now
• Timing isn't right

Did all the begging, pleading, texting, letters etc doh! No avail. Both move out of the house. Within weeks she joins a dating site. Stupidly I confronted her.

V down atm. Was her b'day this week. Sent a card (nothing mushy mind). Been in NC/LC. Had some limited conv via fb. I've had an op so she asked about my recovery, me about her new job, flat etc Had good chat, until she mentioned that I can use my crutches to pull women! V insensitive given she knows how I feel! Stupidly I said i wasn't interested in anyone else. End of conv!

Today, I messaged her about a final bill and had a fairly civil chat. Asked if she fancied grabbing a coffee for a quick catch up. She said no. That she wasn't at a stage where she could be my friend! She dumped me!

Is this a case of GIGS? How can she, who loved me that much not want contact with me? Its not like I've done anything wrong. I don't honesty get what's happened in the last 2 months at all and how someone can behave this way.

Worst of all, she knows how I feel, I have no power here and she is just a cold ice-queen.... And yet id still want to be back together (sigh).

 

[Warrior74]

Just follow the same advice given to the guy in the thread you posted in.
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=201969

What, you need special attention and can't learn from a similar problem? You're gonna have a hard time if so. Go read the thread again.

 

[dazednconfused]

Sorry it just seemed like that thread was kinda dead.

I'll try and follow that advice. I think I was trying to get help understanding what her actions are more than anything else. Just v difficult to understand a complete personality overhaul over night. Not that that's going to help me really.

Thanks.

 

[pdx1138]

And now you've learned the golden lesson a lot of us have learned.

Women these days can change their mind any minute and leave you in the dust.

Learn from it and be on guard for the future.

 

[Atom Smasher]

She left you at least 6 months ago. She has been grieving the loss while still with you, just waiting till the pressure built up enough inside here where she had to pull the trigger.

I repeat, she left you at least 6 months ago. That's why she can be so cold to you now. She has completely accepted it. It never happens overnight with women, literally never. It's process, but they hide it well from men who are oblivious, as you have been.

Your job is to go absolute NC and find other women and enjoy life. There is zero chance of getting back together.

Take heart, because if you learn from this site you will never be victim of this again. The truths that are exposed here are incredibly painful because they are NOT what we men want to believe about women. But they are worth learning because they will protect you.

Most of us here have been through similar circumstances, so we can relate, but it's time to toughen up and take the blinders off. It's a rite of passage for all "nice guys". Hurts like a b!tch now, but you are taking the first steps toward freedom and authentic manhood.

 

[PlayHer Man]

Women change their minds constantly about what they want and what they value. What's important to her today may be irrelevant to her tomorrow. Women don't (and never have) cared about men. They care about themselves and their kids/family FIRST. Men are last on the list because women develop parasitic tendencies with anyone they have consistent sex with.

BRIFFAULT’S LAW:

The female, not the male, determines all the conditions of the animal family. Where the female can derive no benefit from association with the male, no such association takes place.

1. Past benefit provided by the male does not provide for continued or future association.

2. Any agreement where the male provides a current benefit in return for a promise of future association is null and void as soon as the male has provided the benefit (see corollary 1)

3. A promise of future benefit has limited influence on current/future association, with the influence inversely proportionate to the length of time until the benefit will be given and directly proportionate to the degree to which the female trusts the male.

:yes:

 

[speed dawg]

And now you've learned the golden lesson a lot of us have learned.

Women these days can change their mind any minute and leave you in the dust.

Learn from it and be on guard for the future.

Don't post if you are going to give retarded advice.

 

[Hiker]

Hey dazednconfused.

Glad to hear from another guy going through this experience. Misery loves company!

Give it time. You will recover.
Follow the advice I was given, it's golden. I still go back to that thread for strength when times are tough.

Dazed, the most important thing to take from the thread is to cut contact. It will be hard, but there's a reason why everyone emphasizes this. It allows you heal...

She will likely try to contact you, eventually. Do not respond. Delete text messages and voicemails without reading/hearing them. Allow yourself to heal.

Grieve and then get off your butt and do something. Use this time in life to re-invent yourself. NOW is a great time for change and self growth.

 

[3countriesPlan]

I've been through this too. She checked out long ago, waiting for a new branch to come along or some sort of new opportunity that would make you expendable. She found it and now she can give less than 1/4 of dog sh1t about you and no matter what you say or if you beg or if you show value.. its over. The only way you could possibly get back with her is if she came back to you after the next guy rails then dumps her. (She feels she is the victim and will hate men and will come crawling back to you but at the same time frame it like you are trying to win her back ie "I hate men I cant trust men you have to show me you really love me, can you show your love?") --- and you will think "WHAT THE FVK B1tch, you ran out on me and you are talking like I ran out on you?!"

One of my exes crawled back after the next guy booted her out and she did the above. Its disgusting and I of course decided to continue being single and focusing on my job and the occasional HB7-8. My mistake was not getting over her for a month or so. That was a month wasted thinking about miracles.

 

[Desdinova]

Your job is to go absolute NC and find other women and enjoy life. There is zero chance of getting back together.

Agreed 100%. If your woman end the relationship, you need to jump off a cliff as far as no contact goes. She should not see nor hear from you. She does not deserve the attention and she's given up her privilege of receiving it.

No holiday card, no "hope your doing okay" text messages, nothing. If she messages you and asks for some of her 5hit back, you do not need to meet up with her. Put it all in a box and drop it on her porch or mail it to her and do NOT leave a note with it.

When a woman ends a relationship, they have trouble enforcing it. YOU have to do it. Even when you're all busted up emotionally from the ending of the relationship, she still needs you to take the lead and enforce no contact.

 

[zekko]

Women these days can change their mind any minute and leave you in the dust.

Yeah, the sooner you wrap your head around this and accept it, the better off you'll be. Even back in ancient days when I was growing up there was a well known saying: "It is a woman's prerogative to change her mind".

The difference between now and then is that all the consequences have been removed from women. They don't need a man to support themselves or live, the state provides a safety net and protection, there is no stigma to divorce, in fact usually they are rewarded with cash and prizes for a divorce.

I don't mean that you should never get involved with a woman. Just realize that, especially in this day and age, the vast majority of relationships are going to have a shelf life. Just because you are both happy today doesn't mean it is going to last forever.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Ah, time for some DJ Math again,..

Word Problem: If Dazed is now 25 and has been in an LTR with his girlfriend for 7 years, how old was he when he became monogamous? If you answered 18 you're correct!

https://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2012/07/09/the-adolescent-social-skill-set/

Dazed you are a textbook example of why I advise men never to become monogamous until after 30 y.o. At 27, your ex was wondering where the hell most of her 20's went. Have a look at the graph on my blog here:

https://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2012/06/04/final-exam-navigating-the-smp/

This link is what you needed to read when you were a junior in high school. Your ex GF is simply making the predictable decisions women approaching the end of their sexual marketability make as they see the Wall get closer and closer.

You're upset because you've invested so much into a woman you thought would appreciate that investment. Learn this now: hypergamy doesn't care about relational equity:

https://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2012/05/21/relational-equity

Right now you're bewildered at how she can toss aside all the sacrifices and effort you put in to making your relationship good. You thought she'd appreciate that equity. It makes no sense that she'd discard a 'great guy' for an unknown and reward him with sex and intimacy with no little or none of the investment you've made for 7 years. You expect her to think rationally and weigh the costs, but hypergamy doesn't care:

https://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2012/05/16/hypergamy-doesnt-care/

 

[EastWind]

Danger brought something similar up, but I'm surprised no-one really brought it up fully or mentioned it:

Start getting your head around the (highly likely) probability of there being at least one other guy. Your first instinct when reading this will be to tell yourself there is no way this is possible and you know she couldn't and wouldn't, bla bla. But she probably secured at least one other branch before starting the swing.

What Rollo posted still applies; i.e., she suddenly realized she only has a few years left in her sexual market value prime account and wants to cash out.

 

[BeDJ]

3 Months before the Breakup...

Broke up for a few days over crimbo over stupid household chores etc.

She thought about ending the relationship long before this happened. In your situation, she questioned her future with you about a month after you moved in together. The following months, she was assessing everything you did and will only notice the bad things. Of course, you were doing your normal things, but she just saw you in a different light. You simply don't turn her on anymore and she is looking for someone that does.

Within weeks she joins a dating site.

As others have pointed out, there was another man towards the end of your relationship. She wouldn’t want to abandon the comforts of the current relationship unless she had secured a viable option. Once attained, you became disposable. Her advantage of being in a relationship with you is what she could get away with. No one rebounds from a 6.5 year relationship weeks afterward.

Get a new phone number and go no contact for your own mental well-being.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Dazed you are a textbook example of why I advise men never to become monogamous until after 30 y.o. At 27, your ex was wondering where the hell most of her 20's went.

There is definitely something to Rollo's theory. I find it very common for women in their late 20s to dump their long-term boyfriends, especially if they don't have kids.