Thanks Persistent, that means a lot to me at this point in my life.
Yes Blue, there were definitely issues of codependency going on between us. She didn't share how she felt about the relationship. She just broke up and that was it. The only thing I can really remember her doing to help us with our relationship challenges was that she gave me Deborah Tannen's "You Just Don't Understand" to read. And that was in 2003. I read it. But she still didn't share stuff.
I think my codependent issue was how I wanted to care for her so much and be strong. I wasn't like that in the beginning. But then again, I wasn't as committed in the beginning. She was the one who always pushed me for commitment until this year. And over time, I think I changed. So I don't know if I filled my role "well enough" in the codependency. I will tell you this though, I remember seeing several codependency books at her parent's house when I was over there.
I wanted to go to therapy together this summer. I suggested it, but she said 'no'. She stated that if we had problems now, imagine how they'd be when we were married. Well, we had a relationship with every detail of a marriage except for the new blender. I guess she was just done at this point. Problem is, she's just going to take that into her next relationship.
And our relationship was epic. Nothing in my life has compared to this.
Again, we needed to share things and confront our challenges, yet she chose to go for the codependent strategy of avoidance. I was there for her and us, but she chose to eject. Her loss.
I do wonder sometimes if she thinks about what she threw away. There are a million intimate memories I can recall. As intimate as it gets. And she turned her back on them as if they meant nothing. It's shocking really. To me, the memories are the valuable part. In the end, she was p1ssed because she didn't have any earrings to show for our relationship! (when I heard this from her, I really thought someone had given her a brain transplant)
Maybe at some point she will have enough references to see what was there. But as of now, both she, and in a way, I are losing a lot.
Today, I passed the first exam I need to start my new job. You'd think I was ecstatic, but I wasn't. In fact, I was slumped over the table in the testing center, and at one point, the proctor asked me if I was ok. I can't believe I was able to do it.
When I was taking the test, I just kept going through our plans. I kept thinking about the hours and hours I spent studying when things were rough between us. I kept thinking about how I asked her to just support me for a month or so more until I got through it. But she didn't.
After I finished, the proctor was really happy for me. But it was kind of like my dad's birthday revisited. Fun moment...depressed Trim. I only felt guilty not feeling the same level of enthusiasm.
Still hurting here. I read about how long it can last. Not good news there. I can't imagine going months feeling this way.