izza
Master Don Juan
We sure do hear a lot on this board about what to do when we approach. The exact degree angle our smile should display, hands in or out of pockets. What to talk about, that attitude and the three second rule.
But one topic that as far as I know no one has covered is what to do when you see a pretty girl, she makes sweet, sweet eye contact with you, but you *don't* approach. Three seconds is long gone and so is she.
This is a crucial time for your confidence, your belief in yourself. You don't know it yet, but your next approach is already beginning. You will never be able to predict when the next opportunity you want to seize will come. That's why having great "inner game", a control of your mind comes in handy. Approaching has to be fun and easy, thoughtless.
As we'll see, if you learn to forgive yourself the times you don't approach but wanted to, approaching will be much, much easier.
Everything we do is brilliant
So you have just become a baseball player and you believe you should be hitting every strike out of the park. Every strike that sails by you say "damn it, I should have hit that out of the park, what was I thinking?" Where will your confidence go? Will it go up? No, it will go down. So I think we can agree it be harder to hit the next strike out of the park with that attitude.
What about the batter who realizes that it's hard to hit a home run and just focuses on hitting the ball? When a strike goes by this kind of batter, he says, "hmm, I did well. But here comes the next pitch, let's try it this way."
As I pointed out in part 7, confidence is realizing that everything we do is brilliant based on our beliefs, state, and limitations.
This belief is hard work to actually apply to our lives because we are so used to kicking ourselves for not approaching. But the batter who realizes that he did very well, even though he swung and missed, will swing better the next time.
The reason is he is putting his focus on the reason for failure instead of self-hatred. He says I did a brilliant job but didn't get the result I wanted. Why?
That focuses the mind on what to do next time, rather than self-doubt. Powerful stuff.
The 3-second rule
As far as I can tell, most brilliantly misguided individuals on this forum believe we should be approaching every hottie we see within three seconds. So I don't know where you guys live, but even in the midwest that is mathematically impossible. I literally cannot approach four different women in three seconds. Actually, I guess I could - I'd like to try that some day. I doubt it would be effective though.
Anyway, we are setting up this "just do it within three seconds or else you're throwing away your youth" mindset. Every time you don't approach it's a failure. It's not a failure. It's yet another brilliant decision based on the beliefs, attitudes, experiences, and state you're in right now. Calling yourself a failure is not going to help any of those things. It's a lie. It is untrue. You have done brilliantly at everything you have ever attempted. You have had wonderful, noble reasons for everything you have not attempted.
You need to understand this rare diamond of truth. You need to internalize it. You need to apply it to your life.
You need to realize that if you're not approaching as often as you'd like right now, there are wonderful and important reasons for it. You need to figure out what they are. They are not "I'm a coward", they might be "I believe that by approaching someone I will displease them. I am a good person and I don't like displeasing people so I'm not going to approach." That is a noble sentiment, that is a brilliant decision based on that belief. It is not a bad decision, it is simply a sad belief.
In turn, it is not a belief you have because you are dumb. It's one you have because someone told you trust told you it was true. They told you that because they thought it was true in that moment.
Stop second guessing, start first guessing.
So what we all need to do when we don't approach, which mathematically, should be pretty darn often, is a simple process.
1.) Recognize that we made a brilliant decision based on beliefs or a mental state.
2.) Recognize that we have good reasons for having those beliefs or mental state. They are usually the result of some sort of trauma or bad experience.
3.) We need to uproot that incorrect belief by reframing our understanding of our past experiences. So if you thought you were a dummy for not approaching that girl, think back and really remember why you didn't approach her. See we all get so caught up doubting ourselves, we fail to remember why we acted a certain way in the first place.
I'll say damn I should have approached her, completely forgetting that I was racing to turn in a far more important history paper. Are you getting it?
Plus approaching is a lot easier to do when you know that no matter what you do, you will feel that you acted brilliantly afterward.
Do you know what our biggest fear in approaching is? Most would say that we're afraid the girl will do something mean or be unresponsive. But they're wrong. Our biggest fear is that we'll think less of ourselves afterward, feel more powerless or frustrated.
But once we realize that everything we do is brilliant, we know that no matter what happens, no matter how large a mistake we make, we will NEVER think less of ourselves as a result. What a huge weight off our poor backs!
This is an incredibly powerful way to reframe our mindset. In fact, it transforms every time we don't approach into a useful tool to help us approach next time. It transforms strikes into home runs. But most importantly, realizing our inner brilliance transforms the rest of our life too.
In keeping with the theme of this series, do not approach unless it feels easy and comfortable. If you feel that discomfort, it is there for a good reason. Find it, understand that it's trying to help you, then heal it.
Izza
But one topic that as far as I know no one has covered is what to do when you see a pretty girl, she makes sweet, sweet eye contact with you, but you *don't* approach. Three seconds is long gone and so is she.
This is a crucial time for your confidence, your belief in yourself. You don't know it yet, but your next approach is already beginning. You will never be able to predict when the next opportunity you want to seize will come. That's why having great "inner game", a control of your mind comes in handy. Approaching has to be fun and easy, thoughtless.
As we'll see, if you learn to forgive yourself the times you don't approach but wanted to, approaching will be much, much easier.
Everything we do is brilliant
So you have just become a baseball player and you believe you should be hitting every strike out of the park. Every strike that sails by you say "damn it, I should have hit that out of the park, what was I thinking?" Where will your confidence go? Will it go up? No, it will go down. So I think we can agree it be harder to hit the next strike out of the park with that attitude.
What about the batter who realizes that it's hard to hit a home run and just focuses on hitting the ball? When a strike goes by this kind of batter, he says, "hmm, I did well. But here comes the next pitch, let's try it this way."
As I pointed out in part 7, confidence is realizing that everything we do is brilliant based on our beliefs, state, and limitations.
This belief is hard work to actually apply to our lives because we are so used to kicking ourselves for not approaching. But the batter who realizes that he did very well, even though he swung and missed, will swing better the next time.
The reason is he is putting his focus on the reason for failure instead of self-hatred. He says I did a brilliant job but didn't get the result I wanted. Why?
That focuses the mind on what to do next time, rather than self-doubt. Powerful stuff.
The 3-second rule
As far as I can tell, most brilliantly misguided individuals on this forum believe we should be approaching every hottie we see within three seconds. So I don't know where you guys live, but even in the midwest that is mathematically impossible. I literally cannot approach four different women in three seconds. Actually, I guess I could - I'd like to try that some day. I doubt it would be effective though.
Anyway, we are setting up this "just do it within three seconds or else you're throwing away your youth" mindset. Every time you don't approach it's a failure. It's not a failure. It's yet another brilliant decision based on the beliefs, attitudes, experiences, and state you're in right now. Calling yourself a failure is not going to help any of those things. It's a lie. It is untrue. You have done brilliantly at everything you have ever attempted. You have had wonderful, noble reasons for everything you have not attempted.
You need to understand this rare diamond of truth. You need to internalize it. You need to apply it to your life.
You need to realize that if you're not approaching as often as you'd like right now, there are wonderful and important reasons for it. You need to figure out what they are. They are not "I'm a coward", they might be "I believe that by approaching someone I will displease them. I am a good person and I don't like displeasing people so I'm not going to approach." That is a noble sentiment, that is a brilliant decision based on that belief. It is not a bad decision, it is simply a sad belief.
In turn, it is not a belief you have because you are dumb. It's one you have because someone told you trust told you it was true. They told you that because they thought it was true in that moment.
Stop second guessing, start first guessing.
So what we all need to do when we don't approach, which mathematically, should be pretty darn often, is a simple process.
1.) Recognize that we made a brilliant decision based on beliefs or a mental state.
2.) Recognize that we have good reasons for having those beliefs or mental state. They are usually the result of some sort of trauma or bad experience.
3.) We need to uproot that incorrect belief by reframing our understanding of our past experiences. So if you thought you were a dummy for not approaching that girl, think back and really remember why you didn't approach her. See we all get so caught up doubting ourselves, we fail to remember why we acted a certain way in the first place.
I'll say damn I should have approached her, completely forgetting that I was racing to turn in a far more important history paper. Are you getting it?
Plus approaching is a lot easier to do when you know that no matter what you do, you will feel that you acted brilliantly afterward.
Do you know what our biggest fear in approaching is? Most would say that we're afraid the girl will do something mean or be unresponsive. But they're wrong. Our biggest fear is that we'll think less of ourselves afterward, feel more powerless or frustrated.
But once we realize that everything we do is brilliant, we know that no matter what happens, no matter how large a mistake we make, we will NEVER think less of ourselves as a result. What a huge weight off our poor backs!
This is an incredibly powerful way to reframe our mindset. In fact, it transforms every time we don't approach into a useful tool to help us approach next time. It transforms strikes into home runs. But most importantly, realizing our inner brilliance transforms the rest of our life too.
In keeping with the theme of this series, do not approach unless it feels easy and comfortable. If you feel that discomfort, it is there for a good reason. Find it, understand that it's trying to help you, then heal it.
Izza
