ER!C L!VE
Master Don Juan
GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION:
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It
means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the
rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but
gay. It grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate
touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think
about how you call a dog ... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over
here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat .."Bun-bun, come to daddy,
snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on
bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet,
or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Diickoo and
undeniably a faag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking
lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship ... A man's world is his
bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the
poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A straight
man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim," and he will
never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had
NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of
dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real
man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as
well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL,
college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know
what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile
other than denim, you are faagadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a
slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that
hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play
with his honey in the passenger seat (or okay, maybe sometimes his own
"honey" when absolutely necessary).
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay,
oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman
who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself
or with another man is likely to result in SHC (Spontaneous Homosexual
Combustion) -which is what happens to faags when they Flame out too.
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It
means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the
rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but
gay. It grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate
touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think
about how you call a dog ... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over
here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat .."Bun-bun, come to daddy,
snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on
bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet,
or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Diickoo and
undeniably a faag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking
lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship ... A man's world is his
bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the
poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A straight
man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim," and he will
never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had
NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of
dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real
man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as
well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL,
college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know
what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile
other than denim, you are faagadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a
slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that
hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play
with his honey in the passenger seat (or okay, maybe sometimes his own
"honey" when absolutely necessary).
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay,
oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman
who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself
or with another man is likely to result in SHC (Spontaneous Homosexual
Combustion) -which is what happens to faags when they Flame out too.
