Advice requested on breaking the pattern of daily communication

[Donnie Darko]

First of all, thanks to all the members of this site...I've been lurking for awhile and reading threads and am really impressed at all of the help/advice the more advanced DJs give the newbies. I've already read the DJ Bible and many different posts on these forums...next on the read list is the Book of Pook. This is going to be a journey but I'm having a lot of fun learning...I know I'm going to make a lot of mistakes but it is just experience.

Anyway, I've been seeing one girl for about two weeks that has potential for being a LTR but at the same time I've been trying my best to keep seeing other girls and to continue to find/seek more prospects. There is some strong chemistry/attraction between the girl and I that I see as a potential LTR and I thought about focusing more of my time on just her but saw AFC tendencies starting to come out so in order to prevent oneitis I've been forcing myself to date other girls and pursue more prospects. That seems to have helped eliminate some of those AFC tendencies that I felt were trying to come out since I'm actually busy with several different girls my mind is not singly focused on just the one girl that I see as a potential LTR. One AFC thing that is still happening is that we have been communicating too frequently. We have either seen each other, talked or texted every day since our 1st date. I mean you have to communicate to set up the hang out but this constant communication makes it seem like I'm too available and that there is no mystery. I'm hearing her end conversations with "talk to you tomorrow"...but part of me wonders if this isn't some type of test. I actually attempted a freeze out to break the pattern but she texted me and I caved and called her to set up our next get together.

Is this talking/communicating everyday stuff a test...like a LTR test? Is it better to slowly break the pattern or to do a strong break to the pattern? Daily communication seemed normal when I was in school and college because you saw these people in real life everyday.

Thanks in advance for sharing your opinions and advice.

 

[Kailex]

You are too available.
It's two weeks, you should be saving up all the conversation material for dates, not for the phone.

This is always harrowing in the beginning because there is the excitement of getting to know each other, but by constantly communicating you are eliminating the need to even go out. Constant communication will actually lead you to a free spot in the friend-zone.

Do you work? Are you in school?

Keep yourself busy. If she brings up WHY she hasn't talked to you much lately or why you don't call as much as you did last week... you just say in a very positive and upbeat attitude that you were really busy with school/work/gym. Make sure that she doesn't feel like you are cutting communication with her short because of HER.

If she texts you, read it, smile, and then don't respond to it.
Make sure calls are for setting up dates.

You already know that if you keep up on the current path of talking everyday... when you guys do eventually go out, you'll have nothing to talk about, hence seeming boring and without any mystery.

It's okay to go a day or two without them knowing what's going on with you. It builds upon their urge to want to talk to you and see you.

You don't have to just completely cut off, but make sure you DO have some sort of cut off. If you do a really abrupt cut off, she might think there is something wrong.

 

[Tiguere]

Dude not to hijack your thread but we are on the same boat. I met this chick a month and a half ago. We started as friends but my flirty personality did the trick and we statrted hookinggup every saturday after the club.

This past saturday I brought her to my house and went to third base with ner. She didn't wanna let me put it in eventhough I was stroking the outside of her vagina with my bare c0ck. She is makingg wait. Mines is ltr material. She is a year older pretty and very successful career wise.

Hopefully one of the more veterans can come here and show us a way to become more scarce without making the girl think we are playing games.

 

[Donnie Darko]

Thanks for the advice. I'm out of school in the working world. We have only been going out twice per week but it has been daily communication. Even though it has been daily communication...I have generally kept the conversations short (approximately 10-15 minutes) and the telephone conversations are only to set up dates. Text and e-mail has been mostly light flirting and finalizing the date plans (i.e. ok let's meet at 8PM or her asking what time I'm picking her up) but there is also the "thanks for last night I had fun" and "how r u?" type texts. I'll start changing my behavior in order to break the pattern but I think I need to do it slowly so that I don't freak her out. Still I'm curious about what the result of a freeze out would have on her in this situation.

 

[Kailex]

Start cutting the texts/emails. That's the first thing. Flirting can be reserved for the phone calls/actual dates.

I know our tendency is to think logically: If we are around, she won't forget us, and thus, stay interested.

That's not what you are shooting for here. Women WILL get tired of the constant communication unless she's one of THOSE that's ridiculously insecure and NEEDS to be talked to constantly.

Take this as a way of testing HER. See how SHE responds when you cut it out a little. If she's interested, she'll stick around, and she'll probably even be more excited about seeing you each and every time.


And if she texts you "Thanks, I had fun last night"... you don't respond to that either. She had fun... GREAT. But you are in no way obligated to tell her that you had fun too. In fact, leave her wondering whether you did or not.

The "How are u" are boring texts, designed to start a lengthy, boring text conversation that can only HURT your chances. I've gotten away in the past with responding positively through text with something like:

"Swamped! I can't keep all these clients off of me with cases! I think I am going to have to fight them off with a stick! I'll tell you all about it later (Later being that night, later in the week, later anytime except texting during the day)."

Just try to avoid getting hooked into weak conversations that will probably make you look any less exciting than you already are. And remember, it's not exactly about "changing your behavior"... don't do THAT. Just cut down on the pre-date chatter.

 

[Donnie Darko]

Kailex thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it. I'll take action and just do it. I'm not sure if she is one of those girls that needs the constant communication or not but you are right this can be a test for me to see how she responds and to hopefully increase her excitement for when she does see me. If she is one of those types of girls that needs the constant attention, then logically I would think that this would result in her working harder for my attention. I think my desire for this woman caused me to continue the pattern of daily communication in order to show my interest but I guess this weekend I realized it just seemed wrong b/c that is what most AFCs would do and by being more rare and unavailable I'll hopefully create more attraction and excitement for when we get together for dates.

 

[thecurtainfalls]

It's easy (and dangerous) in the beginning of something like this to feel like the constant communication is okay - after all, she's into it, you're excited about each other, you're both thinking about each other, and as said above your mind tricks itself into thinking that constant contact will keep her mind on you.

The truth is, her mind will be on you anyway if you've played your cards right. What happens if you keep going down the road of constant communication is one of three things:

1.) (Least Likely) - You develop a loving LTR, often of the "attached at the hip" flavor. Girl may turn into stage 5 creeper due to needing constant contact/reassurance.

2.) (Somewhat Likely) - The constant chatter turns you guys into best buddies and you end up friendzoned while someone who was more of a challenge slides right into your spot.

3.) (Most Likely) - Her attraction mysteriously dies 4-8 weeks into the interaction, she goes completely cold on you, and you're left scratching your nutsack wondering what the hell happened.


You don't need to radically change what you're doing, but REMEMBER that this is a game - we pursue what retreats from us. Make it seduction, make it fun for her too. You'll be doing both of you a big favor. I realize that this type of thing is counter-intuitive, but until you've actually lived what I've described and learned from mistakes, you'll realize that it truly is the way the dating world works best.

 

[MikeyDJ]

This is vaguely related so i'll post it here. There's this girl who before i discovered these forums i used to talk to every day for ages...i guess you'd call her a 'sunshine girl' after reading a few posts. Today i actually stood up for myself when she was annoying me, instead of being one of those 'AFC's or whatever you call them...let me tell you...best feeling ever. And now when we talk it's better, and on my terms. So i guess it might be good not to be in contact with her for a few days? rekindle whatever you had? I dunno, i'm new :L

 

[Ease]

http://www.theattractionforums.com/relationships/84751-being-busy-vs-choosing-busy-over-her.html

Being busy doesnt work if you can text or call her back. That means your not really busy, what you're doing is not as important as calling her back immediately. Which is giving her too much safety and security, you being too easy and not having a life.

The most important rule about texting: you dont have to reply to everything.

 

[Nexus Polaris]

The Book of Pook is a great read. Helped me a lot. I think you'll enjoy it.

You're not going to want to hear this, but throw the idea of this girl becoming an LTR out the window for now. If you're still recovering from the AFC mindframe, it's going to be very tempting to become too focused on trying to relationship the girls you meet at first. And the majority of the time, this will backfire. And even if you succeed at landing in a relationship with this girl, you still stand a good chance of backsliding once you get settled into the relationship and reverting back to your old AFC behavior which will often cause the girl to leave.

It's great that you're forcing yourself to go out with multiple women. I know this isn't easy at first, but it will definitelly help you in ultimately developing a healthier mindset toward women in general and over time will rid you of the tendency to develop oneitis for girls you're not even with yet (such as this one).

The best thing you can do right now with this one girl is just relax and have fun with her. Don't focus on any kind of outcome. Right now, you seem to be too worried about doing the right or wrong thing. This comes from focusing too much on the outcome. On some subconscious level, you've already decided you want to make this girl your girlfriend so you're trying not to make her lose interest by worrying about things like how often you should contact her. You're too focused on her approval. This is still AFC behavior.

Trying to micromanage all of your interactions is the opposite of what you need to focus on right now. To really succeed in the long run, you need to focus on developing a strong frame for yourself. In order to do this, you have to be willing to be okay with whatever the outcome. Whether she wants to be your girlfriend or not. Treat all those other women the same way.

Best of luck, man.

 

[Donnie Darko]

Thanks. I constantly tell myself that I'm indifferent to the outcome of any situation. It is too easy to revert back to AFC ways. Tonight, I worked on setting up dates with two different girls. One is locked for one night this week and one is too busy with work and training for a marathon that she is considering running so we are getting together next week. Funny thing is that there is another girl running the same marathon that I am also getting together with next week. The amazing thing for me is that I used to be depressed when a girl didn't call me back or some **** but now that I've been trying so much harder I just go down the list to the next girl. Forcing myself to continue to date and pursue other girls has been huge for me. I'm not saying I haven't messed up with AFC tendencies with the potential LTR but it would have been a lot worse if I wasn't busy and distracted with other girls. Anyway, I've been struggling with whether to FREEZE the potential LTR girl to see how she reacts or just walk away to prove to myself that I can but at the same time I am fighting my desire for this potnetial LTR girl...hence the struggles with oneitis that I've encountered. Another part of me is focused or desires the challenge of the seduction process and the potential of a TLR with this girl. I like your suggestion about not expecting anything out of the potnetial LTR girl and to just have fun. Honestly, I've read this thread probably a dozen times today to help me have the advice sink in and stick. Thanks to everyone for their input. The harsh reality is that I'm doing everything I can to mask or prevent the oneitis for this particular LTR girl but I'm probably still showing other AFC tendencies that i don't recognize. I've already started reading the Book of Pook and I'm really appreciating what Pook has to say so far...that sad I'm only through chapter 1 (which was great I read it twice) and it is a pretty loooooonnnnngggg book.

 

[DonJuan11]

I've been seeing one girl for about two weeks that has potential for being a LTR but at the same time I've been trying my best to keep seeing other girls and to continue to find/seek more prospects. There is some strong chemistry/attraction between the girl and I that I see as a potential LTR

Doesn't matter what you see, it matters what she feels.


and I thought about focusing more of my time on just her but saw AFC tendencies starting to come out so in order to prevent oneitis I've been forcing myself to date other girls and pursue more prospects. One AFC thing that is still happening is that we have been communicating too frequently.

100% your fault. You are not focused on improving yourself or other prospects or making money, you are focusing on how sexy and desirable you think she is. If she doesn't have to work for you, how valuable are you going to be her in the next month?

We have either seen each other, talked or texted every day since our 1st date. I mean you have to communicate to set up the hang out but this constant communication makes it seem like I'm too available and that there is no mystery. I'm hearing her end conversations with "talk to you tomorrow"...but part of me wonders if this isn't some type of test. I actually attempted a freeze out to break the pattern but she texted me and I caved and called her to set up our next get together.

Is this talking/communicating everyday stuff a test...like a LTR test? Is it better to slowly break the pattern or to do a strong break to the pattern? Daily communication seemed normal when I was in school and college because you saw these people in real life everyday.

Thanks in advance for sharing your opinions and advice.

Daily communication is not a LTR test, it's a clear signal to her and us that you are too available and nothing else to do. Even if you were dating 6 months and moved in together and had amazing sex, you wouldn't need to talk to a girl everyday. You've reached that point after 14 days and no sex.

 

[Donnie Darko]

Wow, I think you are right and the truth definitely hurts. I honestly appreciate it! I'll have to take this one as experience and learn from it. I'll still see what happens here with this one but now I am definitely not expecting anything in terms of LTR.

 

[Falcon25]

Read my post to see what happened to me because I kept constant contact the last two weeks.