About to go No Contact with my 1.5y LTR. What should I tell her?

[BannedGod]

She broke up about 1.5 months ago, we tried to stay friends, but it's too hard for the both of us.

Here's the deal. I'm not doing this to get back with her per se. I'm doing this to fully get over her. However. Given the occasion, I definitely would consider getting back with her. However, I don't want to close that door completely. That's why I'm hesitating between two messages:

1) Simply tell her I'm cutting all ties, and if ever I feel ready to be friends with her, I'll contact her again

or

2) Tell her the same thing, but add: If ever she feels ready for a serious relationship, to call me and we can take it from there. (Note: The take it from there is important, because I don't even know if I *would* get back with her. It would basically be like starting all over again)

My take on these options: #1 is probably closing the door to the possibility of getting back together, but it gives me more power. So maybe if I contact her again (which I know I will, I'm almost over her already), there will be a possibility.

#2 is leaving the door open, but to me it seems like I'm imploring her, or supplicating. It seems like I'm leaving the ball in her court.

Opinions?


And please, the point of this thread is not to discuss whether you should get back with an ex or not.

 

[Kailex]

Here's the deal. I'm not doing this to get back with her per se. I'm doing this to fully get over her. However. Given the occasion, I definitely would consider getting back with her. However, I don't want to close that door completely.

Opinions?
Decide what in the BLUE HELL you want to do first. You can't say you are going to get fully over her but also leave the door open. You do one or the other but not both because you wouldn't be fully committed to getting over her. If you are going to go NC with the express knowledge that you'd take her back, then you will never 100% be ready to "get over her".

That's why I'm hesitating between two messages:

1) Simply tell her I'm cutting all ties, and if ever I feel ready to be friends with her, I'll contact her again

No... because the day might come that you decide to contact her and then you give her all the power of reaching back to you. It'd more than likely be considered a moment of weakness from you.

2) Tell her the same thing, but add: If ever she feels ready for a serious relationship, to call me and we can take it from there. (Note: The take it from there is important, because I don't even know if I *would* get back with her. It would basically be like starting all over again)

No, what the hell is this?
If she ever feels ready? Or if she's ever bored enough? Or if she has nothing better to do? Or if she has no other guy she is seeing?

My take on these options: #1 is probably closing the door to the possibility of getting back together, but it gives me more power. So maybe if I contact her again (which I know I will, I'm almost over her already), there will be a possibility.

#2 is leaving the door open, but to me it seems like I'm imploring her, or supplicating. It seems like I'm leaving the ball in her court.

Opinions?


And please, the point of this thread is not to discuss whether you should get back with an ex or not.

Why are these the things you are considering? You are already putting too much stock into her response and how she might take things depending on what you say. You can't say you are almost over her already when clearly you still care way too much about how she is going to react to these "scenarios".

Both of them leave the ball in her court, one sooner than the other. It's a 1.5 year relationship and it's been less than two months. She broke up with you, which I'm understanding makes you the dumpee, which is why you want to leave that door open. You shouldn't, you shouldn't even consider being her friend.

Listen, at the end of the day, you do whatever you want but OWN UP TO IT. Don't come in here saying you are going to get over her by going NC... when it's obvious that you want to go NC to provoke a response from her. That's not what it's about. When you go NC after a failed relationship, you do that because it's what is best for you to move on, not because you want to leave a door open... specially when there are emotions invested.

What happens after a month of NC and she texts you "HI" and all those emotions come back because you left that door open? Just think about these things.

Best of luck.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

My man,

I agree with Mauser. You missed option 3 (the best option); you don't tell her anything and get on with your life.

-Don't stay friends, it rarely works.
-Don't tell her what you're doing and why - she's not your minder/only option (despite what you might currently think and feel).

And please, the point of this thread is not to discuss whether you should get back with an ex or not.

Despite leaving this caveat at the end of your OP, the two options you've given yourself imply you're still besotted with her.

DO get on with your life.
DO go on to the 'NO CONTACT' thread.
DO read my comments on that thread; I am a successful graduate of 60-day N/C.
DO improve yourself; physically and mentally.
DO go out looking for other chicks; as soon as possible. You both (you and your ex) need to realise pretty quickly that she is not your only option.

Some more info would be useful in order to pass more accurate opinion.

All the best. Let us know how it goes.

 

[BannedGod]

You are right guys, I am not fully over her yet. I'm doing a lot better than I was, but I still have an interest in having her in my life. That's why I created this dilemma heheh.

However, there is one last variable to be considered. In the long run, she getting back with her or not, she is someone that I would like to keep as a friend, for many reasons (career-wise, contacts abroad, etc.). Hence, I don't want to alienate her.

My third option was to go ghost (which I already did) and maintain it until I feel better about it all. She already contacted me once, and I ignored her. The thing is, I'm not so comfortable with this approach, I find it rather childish.

 

[Albatross953]

Espi is right. Reread his post.

What's childish is refusing to let go of the past, or orbiting some chick hoping one day she will love you again.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

Go ghost. She will most likely try to contact you:
1. During the first week of NC
2. 30 days into NC
3. 60 days into NC
4. 180 days into NC
You DON'T answer her at any of the phases.

Why?
If she was the one who broke up with you, most likely she rode a few strange d!cks and then realized you're not so bad after all. Do you really want to be with such a person?

If you were the one to break up with her, she most likely deserved it. Why would you go back to the same person? Women don't change, you'll just take a few steps back and she'll resent you for breaking up with her.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

I happen to agree and this is why he needs to be even MORE dutiful in ignoring her if/when she does reach out. The guy who has the discipline to go ghost will suddenly sabotage all of the progress he's made once the ex calls or texts him, looking for validation.

The minute he calls or texts back, she stops respecting him again and he's back to feeling miserable and "missing" her.

If she does reach to him, he should continue to ignore her IMO.

True.
I was in a similar situation and I thought I knew everything and it was all under control. Boy was I wrong...turns out the phrase "Everythign you know about women is wrong" applies to almost every man who has yet taken the Red Pill.

I'm telling you, I learn something new with each and every day! I'm now at day 25 of NC and things seem a lot clearer now. Trust me, you will not die if you'll remove her from your life!

 

[Don-Kong]

It's over. It, you together no longer exists, except in your mind where it is present. When that is still present, you are not present, you live in the past that seems like the present. It's a mind fvck.

You have to let go. Use that amazing imagination and send her image off down a river, into the distance till she is out of view. And when the thoughts of her come back, remind yourself, she went off down the river (and possibly over a large fvcking waterfall) and is now gone.

Loss is strange, but you are experiencing the death of a relationship. A death of yourself as you were when you were with her.

You are now reborn Don Juan!

 

[El Payaso]

You don't have to tell her a damn thing. Cut all tires and move on. Don't even give that b!tch an explanation.

 

[YawataNoKami]

That is why men always need a hobby, a real one no some photograph cr@p.Be selfish,putting yourself first isn't selfish.

 

[Maximus Rex]

Tyler from RSD Addresses Your Situation

Before you do anything, LISTEN to clip from Owen, (aka Tyler Durden,) go to 42:56-48:48 of the clip.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZANMgG6gTw

Create Relationships For Your Current Stage Of Life: Be Self Aware, Make Only Promises You Will Keep

Are you the random little chode that's asking your girl for some menage action or the rock star?

 

[VladPatton]

Do THIS: http://youtu.be/hjlE9ayXGX0?t=31s to the T!

 

[bigneil]

Mauser and the others were right.

But one side note, the OP is presenting only two options, and they are both bad, and then in boldface lays downs the must-be-bad law.

This is the age-old question about whether to announce you are leaving. The answer falls under the "never say never" adage. If you tell her you're leaving, you can never come back. So why eliminate that option, especially when you look bad doing it (she doesn't care right now)?

You want Option #3) - Disappear without a trace and focus only on self-improvement. When you return, she will have missed you and you will have improved, creating an exponentially bigger attraction. I've done this and it works, but remember: years later when you look back, you'll still see the reconciliation as the "after break up" phase. You can never return to the perfect phase. You've already been divorced. The perfect marriage is over forever. But you'll find other girls just like her (there are only about 80 types of hot females), and you won't poison the next ones. Destroying her attraction was like whacking a cat. You can't unwhack them.

The problem here isn't the approach, it is oneitis itself. It is a phenomenon similar to staring at the sun. It distorts your vision. It projects another image on top of reality. Time and another image to focus on are the only things that cure it. Like ankle sprains, oneitis takes a long time to heal but you build back stronger and they occur less and less.

"Once love fades, it quickly fails, and rarely recovers" (Chinese proverb).

The ONLY solution is what you should do anyway - stop contacting her for 60 days and improve yourself physically to the point where she takes notice.

 

[bigneil]

She broke up about 1.5 months ago, we tried to stay friends, but it's too hard for the both of us.

Here's the deal. I'm not doing this to get back with her per se. I'm doing this to fully get over her. However. Given the occasion, I definitely would consider getting back with her. However, I don't want to close that door completely. That's why I'm hesitating between two messages:

1) Simply tell her I'm cutting all ties, and if ever I feel ready to be friends with her, I'll contact her again

or

2) Tell her the same thing, but add: If ever she feels ready for a serious relationship, to call me and we can take it from there. (Note: The take it from there is important, because I don't even know if I *would* get back with her. It would basically be like starting all over again)

My take on these options: #1 is probably closing the door to the possibility of getting back together, but it gives me more power. So maybe if I contact her again (which I know I will, I'm almost over her already), there will be a possibility.

#2 is leaving the door open, but to me it seems like I'm imploring her, or supplicating. It seems like I'm leaving the ball in her court.

Opinions?


And please, the point of this thread is not to discuss whether you should get back with an ex or not.

The OP's top 20 mistakes were highlighted in boldface.

 

[cordoncordon]

Everyone in this thread nailed it. Big neil, Danger, Kailex, Mauser, King, etc.

Stop wasting precious time and energy on people who do not contribute in a positive way to your life and/or who don't respect you, and start spending precious time and energy on people who do.

This girl broke up with you. She said she doesn't want to be around you anymore. So why should you want to be around her? Stop thinking that way.

 

[goldengoose]

How about saying nothing. You don't owe her anything. That's the point of no contact. You put it in place when you want, you don't break it, and you don't look back. Easy enough.