Disclaimer: This may be too specific advice for some, but something I felt I should share, since I tend to be a quiet lurker here.
I've seen this situation 3 times in my life: once with my wife, once with my oneitis and her significant other, and once with my married friend who I probably need to start distancing myself from. It's only now at 43, do I really get it.
It's been said on this forum many times over the years by some very wise people that a women will stray if a man isn't there for something important. One of the items on the list is always something big like missing a funeral of a close family member or friend. But, what I've been too stupid to remember is that EVERYTHING a woman says needs to be translated. We say this here on this forum all the time, but it's so easy to forget or fall out of constantly translating woman-speak.
When a woman does stray, one of the top 10 excuses is that "You weren't there with me at X's funeral so I felt Y and had an affair with Z." And this is probably exactly what the woman thinks. And the poor guy is thinking "I didn't think it was a big deal, you said it was OK not to be there because of...."
But that's not really what's going on at all. Woman blames the man. Stupid man accepts the excuse and kicks himself for a long time, thinking, "if only I had done this the relationship would still be perfect."
But....what's really going on is the woman had poor emotional coping skills for such a loss and needs to numb the pain in some way. For many woman, the best way to NUMB all the feelings that come with the lost and the best way to AVOID what they are feeling, and AVOID what they need to do grow as a person is to have an affair. So, you have 1 woman taking an easy out and 2 clueless men, 1 thinking he's in for some excitement and 1 thinking everything is fine. And both men are believing what the woman is telling them.
Women are so driven by their emotions and loss of a loved one, even someone a man may feel is not that close, can be a huge issue for a woman and the relationship.
Bottomline, if you want to be in a relationship with a woman and there is a death of any kind, go to red alert for a year, do what you can to be there for her and try and keep tabs on her as much as you can. If she says she wants to be alone, that might not be a good idea. And translate, translate, translate.
Good luck out there.
One more thing. My type of woman is the helpful, caretaker kind, ie, nurses, pharmacists, social workers. These types of woman are notorious for being UNABLE to address their own issues and in my opinion are most susceptible to this type of scenario.
I've seen this situation 3 times in my life: once with my wife, once with my oneitis and her significant other, and once with my married friend who I probably need to start distancing myself from. It's only now at 43, do I really get it.
It's been said on this forum many times over the years by some very wise people that a women will stray if a man isn't there for something important. One of the items on the list is always something big like missing a funeral of a close family member or friend. But, what I've been too stupid to remember is that EVERYTHING a woman says needs to be translated. We say this here on this forum all the time, but it's so easy to forget or fall out of constantly translating woman-speak.
When a woman does stray, one of the top 10 excuses is that "You weren't there with me at X's funeral so I felt Y and had an affair with Z." And this is probably exactly what the woman thinks. And the poor guy is thinking "I didn't think it was a big deal, you said it was OK not to be there because of...."
But that's not really what's going on at all. Woman blames the man. Stupid man accepts the excuse and kicks himself for a long time, thinking, "if only I had done this the relationship would still be perfect."
But....what's really going on is the woman had poor emotional coping skills for such a loss and needs to numb the pain in some way. For many woman, the best way to NUMB all the feelings that come with the lost and the best way to AVOID what they are feeling, and AVOID what they need to do grow as a person is to have an affair. So, you have 1 woman taking an easy out and 2 clueless men, 1 thinking he's in for some excitement and 1 thinking everything is fine. And both men are believing what the woman is telling them.
Women are so driven by their emotions and loss of a loved one, even someone a man may feel is not that close, can be a huge issue for a woman and the relationship.
Bottomline, if you want to be in a relationship with a woman and there is a death of any kind, go to red alert for a year, do what you can to be there for her and try and keep tabs on her as much as you can. If she says she wants to be alone, that might not be a good idea. And translate, translate, translate.
Good luck out there.
One more thing. My type of woman is the helpful, caretaker kind, ie, nurses, pharmacists, social workers. These types of woman are notorious for being UNABLE to address their own issues and in my opinion are most susceptible to this type of scenario.
