A rock in a hard place - Dealing with father (Potentially wrong forum to post this)

[pvf94]

I don't know where else to go for advice, and I don't think this is really the best place to post this but I trust the SS community as you have helped me through some difficult times in the past. The community has a broad base of users with broad age gap. I hope some of the more mature men here can contribute to this, as I need somebody that may have been in this situation before to give me sound advice and reasoning. Anyhow, this is probably going to turn out to be sort of lengthy, but your responses will mean so much to me. I've recently lost my best friend, and normally I would get advice from my dad but he is the reason I am at a stand still. So I need your input.

I'm 22 years old as of recently.
I live at home, in a mobile home.
I have a brother, mother, and father that I live with.
Dad has diabetes, heart failure, emphysema, and a handful of other clinically serious issues.
My brother is schizophrenic.
My mom does a lot around here, my dad is a control freak.
I barely get 2 hours a day to go out and do something....even then I get *****ed at by my dad for not being here.
I seriously have almost 0 freedom.
My mom works @ mcdonalds part time.
My dad tells me that with me not here, or if I were to leave home he would waste away.

I don't have a job....I'm a full time college student, and my schooling is paid for by the state/government do to my living conditions and fixed income househould (My dad and brother both get social security disability checks each month that are roughly 750 dollars a piece).

This means I don't work, why? Because if I start bringing in income....the checks my brother and dad get...get cut, and I basically end up balancing things back out and working for nothing. I'm not 100% positive on this. I think there is a way around it.

I don't have a car either, I use 1 of the 2 family vehicles to get back and forth to school. I am almost done with this semester. I plan on getting a job as soon as its over.

I take care of my dad's needy behavior for the most part. And I don't mind. It's my dad, if that means I gotta live at home till I'm 30 fine.

I had a girlfriend that broke-up with me about half a year ago. Reason? I was a controlling douche-bag like my father. It got really bad, dad wouldn't let me date for a while because he didn't feel like seeing it happen again. My dad had a rough go with her at first....lots of drama but he ended up loving her....and still misses her to this day.

About a month ago he finally gave in to me bringing a lady home that I had a high interest in. She's awesome, but she has a few issues that my dad doesn't agree with.

-Shes allergic to tomatoes
-She doesn't like hamburger or lettuce
-She has a minor spine disorder, where her butt sticks out a bit because her back is curved very slightly at the bottom....if anything it makes her look sexy lol.
-she can't eat much chocolate or caffeine, it results in her passing out. It's happened once since I started dating her.

I know that may all sound funny, but everyone has their own issues. Those above aren't enough to bother me. He seems to think if I get her pregnant they are going to be freak babies with all sorts of issues.

Now I've been dating her for about 2 months total. We have sex all the time, and its always incredible. We both click, and she goes out of her way to do things for me. Very high interest/Ltr material in my book.

My dad liked her at first, now all of a sudden he just goes crazy and not wanting her over my home anymore. One of the reasons is.... "She comes over and you guys cling to each other, I don't wanna see that ****....you did it once before and I'm not going through it again".

Yet....a week ago he was fine with it, and getting along great with her....asking when shes coming over next....saying shes cool....being positive....now out of the blue he absolutely has 0 emotion or care for this girl. WTF? He's screaming and yelling at me saying I don't need that, that I'm stupid, yada yada....he's known about her little flaws since we started dated and even said when she passed out in my arms "I like her even more now"

Now things will progressively get worse, to the point he'll probably start saying "stay home", "Don't go over her house", "If you do your gone", and whatever else would be similar to that....I just know it.

I'm very seriously considering leaving home with absolutely nothing but the clothes on my back. I can't go through this, I do everything for this man that is my father. And all I want is a fricken girlfriend. He can't even do that for me and help me out with it or be accepting.

If I choose to leave, he has told me in the past "have a nice life" and that he will never speak with me again if I choose to leave because I don't like the way he does things or what I have to do at home. The thought of that tears me apart inside and just typing it has made me drop several tears on my keyboard.

I can't let this continue though! I'm 22 years old and I feel like I am rotting away in this trailer taking care of somebody that is not working with me.

I would be leaving behind a few things that I need, but as soon as I announce that I'm leaving sh!t will hit the fan hard and I will have no time to grab anything but my wallet and a pair of shoes and a coat.

-My 600 dollar acoustic guitar
-My laptop
-My clothes
-School books (Even though I don't use them and pass my classes with B's or higher)

I have friends that will help me out and let me crash at their place for as long as I need a place to stay. I'm a very helpful and likable person. I can get a job while I'm there. Save up and get something going on my own or with my girlfriend.

What would you do in my shoes? The whole girlfriend thing is basically the straw that broke the camels back. In time I would have money of my own, a place of my own, a car of my own, a phone of my own, and I would be building myself a future. But on the flipside I have a high posibility of losing contact with my father...who I know will go fvcking crazy if he wakes up one day and I'm not here...my brother and mom will be put through so much sh!t.

I don't like knowing I may not speak with my dad again for the rest of his life, as well as not knowing what will happen here once I'm gone. He is known to hold grudges....he has brothers and sisters he has refused to talk to for over 30 years.

This scares me greatly, and its the only reason I haven't left. I know I'm a strong person, and that I would do well on my own...I also know I would enjoy the freedom. At the same time I'd be losing something I love.

Is freedom worth more then that?

If I ride it out at home, the girl said she'd stick around and I believe it. But if he says I can't go see her or some crap, I feel as if I have no other option but to bid farewell and deal with the pain that follows...because in the end I'll be happy.

Words of wisdom guys? If theres anything else that you need to know that would help in your response, ask me...I'm an open book.

 

[pvf94]

Bump

 

[sodbuster]

If YOU pick the time to leave, I don't know how you would leave anything behind. Take your books and laptop to school and leave them with a friend for 1 day.Go to another friends house "for the night" with your guitar and gym bag with extra clothes in it. Then don't go back except to drop off the car. doesnt sound too hard for a B student to pull off-he11, I bet you could do it all in 1 night if you wanted to.
See about financial aid once you declare yourself separate/emancipated etc. then you could live in the dorm,get a job and start your life.Probably see the financial aid office first,have a job interview and job lined up etc. before you make your move[it's what women do before a divorce].
Cut out all negative people from your life-friends,family etc. ANYONE who will hold you back. IF they don't want to change-let them go. DON'T be a control freak like your dad unless you want to perpetuate his marriage into yours. You have to control little kids so they don't run out in front of a bus,but the rest of the world hates it[you do right?] Don't marry a woman it seems like you've known forever,until she's not your dad with boobs[that may be why you've known her forever]

 

[Warrior74]

I'm gonna say your situation is out of my league. Sodbuster has some good points. You should think about going off to school. From your description of your father, sounds like he has some growing up to do, the sad part is at his age it's probably not going to happen. Good luck.

 

[Pathgen]

I have a lot of respect for you wanting to stay by your father. Unfortunately, the only advise that I can think of in your situation that hasn't been said before is that if you can finance it one day, you might want to consider moving your father to a place where he can get some professional medical attention or hiring someone to take care of him. I don't know him, but he sounds like he is scared that if you live your life he is going to be depressed, lonely, and not taken care of. That is why he could be holding you close and trying to push your girl away because he craves attention.

Good luck I hope it all works out for you.

 

[backbreaker]

this is going to sting a little but you gotta move on. your family is holding you hostage.

you are grown. you can't put your entire family on your back. you shouldn't have to.

if they have to go work or do whatever so be it. you need to get out of there before you become a family casualty and i'm dead serious.

they guilt you when you want to do something for you. that's very bad behavior. while your family situation is not great, and i'm sorry ot hear that. you have to look out for you.

if not you are going to cause more problems for you later on in life.

you sound alot (alot) like me. i was in a somewhat similar situation. sticking around to help out family becuase it was thr giht thing to do and my family ****ting on me time and time again. one day i had enough and just up and moved half way across the country and did not tell anyone and it was hte best thing I ever did. they are still getting by without me.


and due you are grown. you don't have to run away. just leave. what is he going to do hold you against your will? just leave. if he wants to give you **** let him.

My dad did something to where I have made the concious decision to never speak to him again until the day he dies. do I like it? no. but my life is about keeping the peace. my dad has issues. my grandmother who practically raised me at times, has issues. I am an ex addict and she lives with a crackhead and uses money I give her from time to time to fund his drug habit. sometimes the best thing you can do is make people fend for themselves.

about 6 years ago i was dating someone, and came to find out that my dad made some passes at her.. real ones. he was trying ot **** my GF. it took me about 2 years but i let bygones be bygones when i Had a son, i wanted him to know his grandfather. so I take my fiancee down there, and after visiting my dad's family, she avoids trying to go over there again, only to tell me taht my dad was seriously hitting on her and showed me a peice of paper with my dad's sloppy ass hand writtting on it.. no. he can go to hell. your own damn son.

so no, sometimes blood is not all. i'm tired of always having to take the high road and be the better person, and my life is better without him in my life.

your life will be alot more normal and peaceful without your father in your life. you are not living like a normal person, just like I should not have to worry about taking my fiancee around my dad.

 

[GetOveIT]

Bump x2

 

[pvf94]

bump

 

[Oxide]

As a very smart woman once said, mental abuse can be a lot worse than physical. Your family is obviously abusing you, and is holding you hostage.

This is what you could do:

work for cash - this is actually pretty easy to do if you can just talk to the biz owner directly.

you are over 22, so why is your income affecting their checks, are they claiming you as a dependent? If so, realize you will have at some point need to start working, are they planning that you will provide for them if gov-t checks stop?

Moving out with roommates can be as cheap as $350 a month. Consider if you can pull this off and if the answer is yes, do it.

Life is too short to be stuck like this, I feel for your situation, and good luck.

 

[pvf94]

I was planning on bringing my laptop and books with me to class tonight and just not come home. I have multiple places to stay especially if I offer chore type services.... dishes and so on.

I can't take the sh!t anymore. My dad re-stated last night that he refuses to take part in my relationship with this girl. And with barely being able to get out for an hour or 2 a day he will make seeing her hard as well. Said he doesn't ever wanna see her over here.

So......I am just going to go for it like an idiot probably. I could wait till I get money saved up...but I can't even do that while I'm here.

What is or would stop me are these factors...

-Dad refusing to talk to me for a long time....possibly forever.
-No money at all right now
-I'd lose my health insurance
-I'd lose my financial aide
-Brother/Mother are going to catch the sharp end of the stick for god knows how long.
-If I do this I have to do it all at once. I will not be able to get my guitar or clothes....but laptop and books I can do....and thats my main need. (Dad bought me the guitar for christmas 5 years ago...hurts to let that go)

I love them all dearly and it almost feels impossible to do.....when crunch time comes I'll probably choke and just stay.

I planned on getting my laptop/books/backpack going to school. Calling and telling them I wont be home for the night....or until dad decides he wants to support my decision. Then I'll come home and put the car keys/house keys in the car along with the cellphone that my dad pays for.

He has my E-mail address and knows how to get a hold of me if he chooses to. I want to make sure I let them know somehow that I am just not coming home....so they don't worry about what happen to me when I normally call and say I'm on my way home.

It's gonna hurt like hell, and I've been sort of on the fence with following through with it. I've had many opportunities in the past where I was right at the door to leave and the words that stop me every time are "have a nice life, don't bother coming back".

The worst part of this day is going to be when dad wants to go out and do some bondo work on the van. He assumes I'm fine...and expects me to be happy. So I guess I'll throw on my fake smile and work with it. I know feelings of not wanting to leave are going to creep in though, because he will be able to make me genuinely laugh while we are alone together. Although we may have a good time together his position will remain the same. And that just rubs me the wrong way.

I feel like I'm being selfish, even though I know I'm not. I just want 1 thing. And I can't have it. After all I do here he refuses to work with it. It's not fair, and I deserve more then that.

I guess I need encouragement. Otherwise I will probably crumble and end up coming home tonight. With each passing day it will get harder and harder to just do it.

I need some support.

 

[JLW]

You know what's best for you. We don't know the context of your situation. I mean, yeah, you told us what happened, but we dont REALLY know how bad it is. We don't know the details. We're just speculating based on about 10-15 paragraphs you wrote.

If you think leaving is the best thing for you to do, then DO IT. That is my support.

 

[FireOnTheMountain]

My opinions and advice mean little, as I have never experienced anything like what you are writing about.

However...
I tend to stay on the side of 'the devil you know' vs 'the devil you don't know.' It seems like it would be better to just tough it out for however many years you have left until you graduate college than to leave now and risk it all for this girl. I understand though that being with her represents a lot more to you than just a girl, it is having your own life, or your own freedom.

You wrote at the beginning that you don't have much. But at least you have structure in your life, even though it may be unpleasant.

Maybe I am just afraid of disorganization and change, I don't know.

 

[Amazing]

how long till you finish school?

why would you lose financial aid? are you sure?

how long can you stay elsewhere before you need to move on? people will get tired of you living with them after awhile unless you are family.