A long post about long-term relationships

Discussion in 'Don Juan Tips' started by Krynnster, May 15, 2000.

  1. Krynnster

    Krynnster Senior Don Juan

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    Before you read any further:

    We all want to get the girls, no point arguing about that, but we all have different reasons. Some of us are looking for sex with no strings attached. Some of us are looking for something "serious" but for a short term and some of us are looking for a long-term commitment, even (gasp) marriage.

    If you belong to the first two groups, then this post is probably not for you, but if you belong to that third group (or think you'll eventually belong to it) I think you will find it interesting.

    Let's take a minute to fantasize about the perfect committed relationship: having a relationship like that means that you have a companion. Someone you can trust. Someone you can completely open up to and get to know better than anyone else. Someone who will stick by your side for better and for worse, through thick and thin, forever. Someone you can love.

    Now let's go back to reality and try to figure out how we can find this perfect someone.

    As with everything else in life, a good place to start is trying to figure out what it is exactly that you want. Don't be afraid to be specific. On the contrary, be as specific and picky as you possibly can. Telling yourself that your ideal mate is a brunette with straight, shoulder-length hair, brown eyes, slim figure, about 5'7", 115 pounds, small butt, C cup chest, who is a part time novelist, part time veterinary doctor who lives in a small house in the suburbs, drives a Honda, owns a brownish-gold Labrador Retriever named Sparky and spends her spare time playing the Cello is far better than thinking: "hmmm… a blond would be kinda nice". By having a pretty good idea of what you're looking for, you will have better chances to actually find it.

    Now that you know what you're looking for, it's time to start looking. I'm not going to discuss this process in detail as it is continuously being discussed in this community [​IMG]. Suffice it to say that this step is mandatory and you should have enough confidence to pursue every woman that strikes your fancy. If you don't make the effort to find what you're looking for, you will never find what you're looking for. Simple, cruel and very true. Ms. Rights do not tend to fall from the stars straight into your arms.

    Once you found someone that seems to match this incredibly picky profile of yours, it's time to start the most important step – qualification. People are complicated beings. Part of what makes them so complicated is what we call their "personality". A "personality", according to Meriam-Webster, is "the totality of an individual's behavioral and emotional characteristics". Each person has hundreds (or thousands) of these "characteristics" and the combination of them is what makes this person unique.

    Now, when you're looking for a long-term relationship, compatible personalities are probably the number one issue. But with so many characteristics involved in shaping one's personality, how can you really tell what's compatible and what isn't? Well, I actually have an easy way for you (you lucky bastard). You need to make two lists (in your mind or in your notebook):

    The first one should include positive traits that you absolutely require and even more importantly, negative traits you will not tolerate under any circumstances. We'll call this list the Requirements List.

    The second list should include positive traits that are important to you but are not mandatory, as well as quirks you can live with. We'll call this second list the Bonus List.

    Now, you should have a pretty good idea of what your Requirements List includes even before you go looking for someone. The Bonus List really comes into play once you meet a person that seems to have passed your requirements. These lists are not written in stone either. They should be modified as you get to meet and qualify (or disqualify) more people. Having these two lists makes it relatively easy to judge whether the woman you're dating is "relationship material" or not.

    When you make your final judgment or qualification you have to abide by one simple rule: you should never compromise on your Requirements List! If you do, then sooner or later your relationship will explode, causing pain to you, your partner and anyone else involved in your relationship (can you say children?). Compromises should be limited only to things on your Bonus List.

    After you've found your perfect match, the next step is to spend a long time together with her to prove that your perfect compatibility is not a fluke. By "long time" I mean exactly that. A very long time! A couple of years! The reason is simple: if you're in for a long ride anyway, you may as well delay the really big commitments (the ring, kids, buying a house together, etc.) until you're absolutely sure she is indeed "the one", rather than rush things and get burned. This approach will also address another serious issue – the "should I stop looking?" issue. If you spend a couple of years with one woman and doesn't feel the need to continue looking, then I'd say you're ready.

    Now, in a perfect world, everything I wrote here would probably be true. Sadly, however, this world is not perfect. People change. You might find the perfect woman who matches you initial profile, complies with every requirement on your Requirements List and have most of the things on your Bonus List, get married, have kids and after 10 years find out that the two of you are no longer compatible. I'm sorry to tell you that I don't really have an answer to that. The only thing you can do to minimize the chances that this will happen to you is to take things very slowly and one step at a time. Making a commitment is something very serious that should not be taken lightly. There are too many divorces and too many single-parented families in America today as a result of people "rushing" into commitment.

    Take your time and you will have better chances to be successful.

    Thank you for reading this long post. As usual, your comments are welcome.

    K.


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    If at first you don't succeed, don't let anybody know you've even tried - unknown.
     
  2. Don Juanita

    Don Juanita Senior Don Juan

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    wow! you think deep and I like that. I agree with about 98% of what you are saying, the only thing that I'd difer in opinion is the part about waiting years before settling down. To me, any man that doesn't know he want's to spend the rest of his life with me after like, a COUPLE of years will get the boot. I mean, why will I stay with him any longer. if he doesn't know me by now, he'll never ever really know me--you remember that song? it holds true. Love is the most powerful emotion and it is the only truth we will ever know in our lives. You must follow it and trust it. it will only do you wrong if you allow it to. It shouldn't take a man years to deciede if a certain woman is right for him or not (in my opinion) a man knows exactly what he wants--and by your post, if they follow your advice, what I"m saying is true, therefore, why would he continue a situation that he is not totally satisified about? Thank you for your respect and thanks for listening.
     
  3. Krynnster

    Krynnster Senior Don Juan

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    I really wish that was true [​IMG], but it's not. I bet some of the guys in this forum will tell you the same about women... but the fact is that we rarely know what we want and that's what gets us into trouble every single time [​IMG].

    I want to agree with you. I really, really do... but it is so hard to tell when you're really in love. You have to actually experience this feeling a couple of times before you can tell the difference between true love and a simple case of obsession / infatuation. For most people, especially younger and inexperienced people I would say that trusting and blindly following their feelings is probably the worst thing they can do! This is why I think that sometimes it's better to be rational, a little slower and play it safe... although I had several situations in the past that made me kick rationality to the curb [​IMG]. It's a messy business, but that's why we're all here.

    Thanks for your comments [​IMG].

    K.


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    If at first you don't succeed, don't let anybody know you've even tried - unknown.
     
  4. Zap

    Zap Senior Don Juan

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    Hooray for Krynnster!

    Great post, man! One of the best I've seen on this board. Grade A material! Wow!

    Truely, this is very good advice. Anyone who's at all thinking about long-term relationships should use this.

    Of course I'm overly-picky as it is, and my "requirements list" could fill volumes. But hey, it's reassuring to know I don't need to comprimise.

    -Zap
     
  5. Ralfus

    Ralfus Master Don Juan

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    Hey K !!!! Maybee you should copyright this post!!!Then you could crack back on Smitty and Zap for trying to pillfer your content!!

    [​IMG] Just kidding [​IMG]


    Ralfus [​IMG]
    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]

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    "I tried to think,But nothing happened!"- Curly Howard
     
  6. Ronimal

    Ronimal Don Juan

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    Great post, K. By the way, the example description you gave of the 'ideal' woman is almost spot on with my ideal lady, except for the cello part... [​IMG]
     
  7. ibanez

    ibanez New Member

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    Cool post K [​IMG]

    Me and one of my friends also had a discussion about looking for that woman you want to spend your life with and he told me the same thing. It only makes sense, if you don't know what your looking for how the hell are you going to find it...

    About making a marrige last I think you should keep it special by doing things together and still treat your wife the same way you treated her when you where going out with her. Spending time alone with her, taking her out on dates or even just trying to make average things fun for her. Keeping things special is the hardest part of marriage since it is in human nature to get used to something no matter how valuable it is to you and then you start taking it for granted [​IMG] and usually then you start screwing up. Well but this is only my humble opinion as an UNmarried guy, a bunch of theory and no practice...

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    As men we are the hunters, so enjoy the chase...
     
  8. NEANDERTHAL SUPERSOLDIER

    NEANDERTHAL SUPERSOLDIER Banned

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  9. Neophyte

    Neophyte Master Don Juan

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    -bump-
     
  10. Desdinova

    Desdinova Moderator

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    I wondered where I got this format :)

    This post is incredibly old, but definately worth a bump.
     
  11. MightyMate

    MightyMate Master Don Juan

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    Exactly 'people change' is the key. So its all about luck indeed.
    Lately my perfect match changed that much that i had to drop her. Thats the catch of everything.
     

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