A Cry For Help

[Reyaj]

I have been meaning to write this for a while. I really need sincere advice. I know this forum has certain principles that people have been conditioned to follow. But I ask that anyone who really wants to help someone in need do their best to be objective about my situation.

I am going to literally pour out my heart to you all in this post


I am 33 years old and I am completely lost in life….. I feel like I am just living day by day without any clear direction. I have a decent job but I don’t love what I do and I struggle sometimes. I am in an LTR for a few years and now I am being pushed into marriage or else she is going to break it off with me.

Growing up was tough for me. I was picked on a lot and as a result I became very introverted. I always had hope inside though which got me through it. I told myself I would be special one day. The cold reality is seeing that maybe I am not special… I am just another statistic in this system we call the world. I will live each day and work until I am old and I die.

I know that sounds depressing but what else am I supposed to do?

If I was younger maybe I’d try and focus on a new career path, but at 33 I honestly feel old. The next step for me is marriage and then to start a family, but I love being single and having my own space. Still I don’t want to be like this forever, part of me does want to start a family… but I feel that even though I should be ready at my age, I am not…. But again at 33 I don’t want to be too old when I have children either.

The relationship I am in has its pro and its cons. I have to admit I am bored though. My girlfriend is has become overweight and I have been unsuccessful in my attempts to get her to lose it. I have cheated on her before and I currently talk to other girls behind her back. I miss the feeling of “hope” when I am chasing new plates even though most of the time it never turns out well and I end up feeling upset. I am great at approaching and getting phone numbers, I can even get meet ups… but I get a lot of flakes after the first date…. Plus most of the girls I meet in nightlife are significantly younger than me in their 20's.. My age alone is enough to turn a lot of them off.

I don’t blame flakes on myself though. I have learned that the majority of women are pure crap… they expect some magical feeling to happen or else they lose interest. They are very selfish and flakey…. This is why I appreciate the relationship I am in. My girlfriend has qualities that most of the girls I meet out in nightlife lack. She has family values! I can see her being a great mother to my children. Being with her gives me a feeling of security…. I am scared to be alone at this point… knowing that I have her makes me feel secure. I guess I can’t have it both ways right? The very attractive girls that I get excited about chasing leave me angry and upset at the game, and the girl who is domesticated leaves me bored and seeking new adventures….

If I were to break up with my girlfriend I would have extreme anxiety and sadness…. I don’t have many friends… For some reason I just don’t fit in well with others…. I do have a few friends which I relate too… but they are all single and are in worse off positions than myself. Plus they are not reliable. I don’t have the traditional group of friends who I can “always count on”….. Really my GF is the only person I feel this with. She accepts all my faults. I am not close with any of my family, so without my gf I would literally be alone.

I should probably find a hobby but I have no idea what interests me… I mean I go through spurts where I play video games.. but they suddenly make me lost interest. Honestly, I lied, there is 1 thing I know interests me. “Seducing Women”. However how moral or beneficial is this to my well being?

I need direction… I don’t know what the hell I am supposed to be doing with my life…

 

[samspade]

Your biggest issue: "I am scared to be alone at this point… knowing that I have her makes me feel secure."

Besides that, you're afraid it's too late to make a career change, and you aren't sure if enjoying the company of many women is morally okay or fulfilling.

Look man, you've made it plain as day. You like having your space. You like chasing women and the thrill that comes with it. Your girlfriend is getting fat. You're bored. You're cheating.

You have to break it off. Yeah, it'll break her heart, but not half as much as if you have kids with this woman and keep cheating and she finds out.

We are all alone at some point. And yeah, we're all "statistics," but you have things you want to do in life, go do them. Feed your soul. We're lucky to have food, shelter and clothing - those are the issues that most people have to solve on a daily basis. You have the luxury of fulfilling your existential desires - seduction, career direction, etc. Julia Child became a chef at 37. Carroll O'Connor ("Archie Bunker") started acting at 36. You think you're old? It's never too late to be what you might have been.

But your first step is ending your relationship. Once you're free of that albatross, you can start working on your other improvements. It won't all happen at once. But you gotta start somewhere.

 

[Rubirosa]

Such irony !!!
You are posting in the "mature man" section, yet your words are that of a little boy.......
Wanting to stay in an unsatisfying relationship for fear of being alone on a cold windy night is silly.
I have been there myself. I am older than you, and I used to think like you. Looking back, I was physically a man, but I wasn't a man spiritually. The scared little boy refused to leave the grown man's body. And I wondered why I was blown around by the winds of life..........
To be a man......a true man...........means that you are tough !!!
Mentally, Physically,, Spiritually.
33 is not old. You are still a very young man
Stay at your job for now and do a good job. Your boss doesn't care about your need for direction in life. You are being paid to do a job. Do it well so that when you do find something you really like, your boss will have nothing but praise for you.
Get involved in something that involves physical confrontation (Karate, MMA,Boxing,Fencing....) Doing something that involves facing the fear of getting physically hurt by another man will do wonders for you.....
Holding on to your fat girlfriend and approaching life as a deer in the headlights screams a lack of self confidence...
Challenge yourself so that you can grow
My words are harsh, but I'm totally on your side bro
Get out there

 

[Colossus]

Hey Reyaj-

It sounds like you are at a crossroads in your life. By definition, a crossroads has more than one direction to choose. You can either stay on the path you are on---boring relationship, dull job, no real passions or interests---or choose another direction. Now you dont have to change EVERYTHING at once, but it's clear that something(s) have to go and be replaced with the new. Your life is just stale, and that can be a very depressing place to be.

Before you go and drop what you have, consider the merits: You HAVE a job. That is something of value in 2011. Roughly 9% or more of adult Americans DONT have a job. You have a loving woman. She accepts you for who you are and (assumingly) treats you well. That is good too. You arent old. Seriously. 33 is, in my opinion, a PRIME time in a man's life. You still have physical resilience, you arent tied down with marriage and children, and you have some maturity under your belt.

So look at those positives first. You need to take a FULL stock of your life before clearing out your inventory. Next, decide, or FIND what gets you intrigued. Excited. There HAS to be something. It could be a sport or physical pursuit, it could be an intellectual or artistic pursuit, or it could be a cultural pursuit like travelling. Start small, and keep at it, whatever it is.

Next, take stock of your relationship. Just because you cheated on her doesn't necessarily mean you should dump her; you just have to be brutally honest and face whatever fears you have about potentially being alone. You may have just lost physical attraction to her, or you may be genuinely bored and disinterested in the relationship as a whole. It's REALLY tough to break up from an LTR without a compelling circumstantial reason, but whatever you choose to do make sure you will have 100% confidence you did the right thing.

I really encourage you to get involved in something physically competitive or rigorous. Not just going to the gym for gym's sake...something challenging and TOUGH. It could be boxing or MMA, training for a power meet, training for a marathon, rock climbing, something that will test your limits and give you huge mental rewards when you break new barriers. Things like this have gotten me through some really dark times in life. If I didnt have the weights, I dont know if I would have made it.

Lastly, the pursuit of women for seduction's sake is exciting, but in my opinion an ultimately hollow pursuit. I know conventional SS wisdom says that is denying your basal nature, being an AFC, blah blah blah. It isnt. It's recognizing that after a certain point, more notches on your bedpost arent really adding anything to your life. A man's desire for variety will never really go away, but if you spend the majority of your time and energy chasing pvssy you leave nothing for other more rewarding pursuits that will actually give you a richer life. Women are women. Some are good, some are crap. BUt even the best of women require effort and vigilance in your game, and they WILL drive you nuts sometimes. You WILL get bored even with the hottest, most novel woman eventually. But boredom is a passing thing; it comes and goes. That's why you have to fill in the gaps with stuff you LOVE. It makes your relationships more valuable because there are other things that add stimulation that a woman just cannot give. That's why a Man needs a purpose---it doesnt have to be something so grand as conquering Everest or building a $10,000,000 business; it could be something as simple as finishing a personal project or adding 10 lbs of muscle.

Women are not the answer. They are a PART of life. A big part, yes, but not the only part. And too bad if they don't like it. You're a man and you do a lot of stuff besides bum around the house, shop, and talk about weddings. You do sh!t that is fun, cool, and makes them whine. So what is it you want to do??

 

[Boilermaker]

^^

This is just a masterpiece.

I don't know where to underline. It just needs to be sticky.

 

[DJNiceGuy]

I have to second that, Colossus great post. It's the truth. Not easy to take these steps but it must be done. I'm struggling with exactly the same things.

 

[DanelMadr]

Nothing you will do or don't do will change that shyitty feeling.

You lived your life like scared little kid. Most of us did. In order o win our parents' or others love or to avoid conflicts, we become insincere, lying and pretending to others and mainly to ourselves. We secretly hate and despise ourselves bc of it and have to pretend even more, blaming the world or women or whatever, bc our ego will not let us to see our true self for fear we are unlovable. It forms vicious circle...bc of our fear, we are unlovable.

Don't let your egoic mind to play games with you. You are no longer a child in danger.

Stop grieving the past, forgive yourself and others for they don't know what a f@ck they were doing.

Stop worrying about future, bc it is uncertain and more you worry the worse it will get. Just be sure to cut wood for winter.

Learn to recognize when ego speaks...mostly in fear, pride or blame...and laugh at it for it has no power over you. It will shut up but it never dies - don't try to suppress it....take it to the open.

Only living in present moment, being sincere and just will allow you to truly love yourself, not in narcissistic way or in pity way.

Then you'll be able to give true love and cherish your presence in this world, however cruel and boring it seems to you now.

Pure heart (whatever that really is) is obtainable in any moment. You find several descriptions in Jesus, Buddha teachings or Carl Jung or recently Tolle and I guess many others. Once you have pure heart, your decision making will be much easier.

 

[DanelMadr]

live by something or live for nothing..if you live for nothing you dont live..you only exist.
and the west wonders where all this depression comes from..
me...me...me.....

Not that I disagree but I believe there is more to religion than rules. Actually when you are being according to religion you don't need rules. Like when J.C. said adultery is mere looking lustfully on a neighbors woman. Obeying the rules and not f@cking her is not enough.

Depression comes when you have time to think...hopefully suffering will force you to enlighten yourself. When you are busy to obtain living you just live in ignorance. Not bad but it gets you nowhere unless you get to a point when you have time to think....and bam.

 

[SteR]

This thread has actually got me wondering whether anyone is actually content/happy on these boards?

It seems day after day people are telling people what to do to become happy but I've never seen any reports of people being successful at it...

Obviously I understand that a lot of guys come to these boards after being hurt by a woman/being in a negative place regarding women but still, you'd think there'd be more people finding some sort of peace maybe?

 

[DanelMadr]

This thread has actually got me wondering whether anyone is actually content/happy on these boards?

It seems day after day people are telling people what to do to become happy but I've never seen any reports of people being successful at it...

Obviously I understand that a lot of guys come to these boards after being hurt by a woman/being in a negative place regarding women but still, you'd think there'd be more people finding some sort of peace maybe?

Being happy in ordinary sense is unobtainable but for a few or more moments of happiness.
But you can achieve more or less continuous non-suffering or peace...Nirvana it was called by Buddha.

I guess I feel I'm at peace sorta but of course I have plenty room for improvement.

Actually telling people how to achieve peace is sorta nonsense. You can merely point a direction. It is everyone's way to be found and walked alone. Organised religion and other social movements tend to forget it, thinking that reading Bible will help. 5 years ago I didn't understand a sentence there even when I tried. Now I understand some but not thanks to memorizing it but bc life taught me lessons.

 

[samspade]

This thread has actually got me wondering whether anyone is actually content/happy on these boards?

It seems day after day people are telling people what to do to become happy but I've never seen any reports of people being successful at it...

Obviously I understand that a lot of guys come to these boards after being hurt by a woman/being in a negative place regarding women but still, you'd think there'd be more people finding some sort of peace maybe?

First of all - Colossus, that was an incredible post.

In response to this - I for one am extremely happy. I also consider myself fortunate. I have a good job and a great wife, my parents are still alive and married, I'm living in my favorite place (NYC), and before I got married I had a lot of fun. Plus the Packers are 7-0. But most importantly, I'm pursuing what I want to pursue - I have goals, and I'm working to achieve them.

That's probably the ingredient the OP is missing - to identify that which inspires him, and to chase and achieve it. Ask any child what he wants to be and he'll tell you flat out, even if it sounds ridiculous (Astronaut! President!). But ask 100 adults, and how many do you think will tell you the truth? How many are following their path to happiness? Adulthood is polluted with expectations, societal mores, and compromises. College, employment, marriage, career, children, property ownership. All worthy endeavors if that's what one wants. But a man (or a woman for that matter) has to be honest with himself first.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

These are all great posts -- I definitely gained something just by reading people's responses here.

I wish I could say I myself never have felt lost, but surely I have.

We have to find ways to charge-up our lives, re-invent our minds, re-inspire ourselves, re-kindle that awe and splendor that we should have every day. When you're trapped in an "Officespace" (ever seen that movie?) mindset, life becomes dull and boring!

At least you have an income and a woman who does care about you!

It sounds like you are just waaay too nestled in your comfort zone.

Solution: (1) take a psycadelic journey into your own soul! (hehe), probably not interested in (1), but (2) would be to massively challenge yourself and your life and find some activity that truly challenges every fiber of your being -- something that calls to you, interests you, that sparks deep desire to learn more and grow..

Read those posts above again...solid advice there

 

[Reyaj]

Thank you all for your responses. Colossus your response as usual is profound. I haven't been able to get on here since I posted that but when I have some alone time I will post my feedback,feelings, and where I am at with things. I really want to be helped... I will reply soon. I have another dilemma I am about to post here that is more of an immediate decision I have to make

 

[Kailex]

I am in an LTR for a few years and now I am being pushed into marriage or else she is going to break it off with me.

Brother, this is STILL going on?
It's been over a year and she is still threatening to break it off?

I told myself I would be special one day. The cold reality is seeing that maybe I am not special… I am just another statistic in this system we call the world. I will live each day and work until I am old and I die.

I know that sounds depressing but what else am I supposed to do?

LIVE. That is what you are supposed to do.
LIVE.

We are all part of a statistic... even the "special" ones. We are all "special" in our own right, you just have to find what makes you special to you, to your family, to your friends, to anyone else who will have the pleasure of meeting you.

If I was younger maybe I’d try and focus on a new career path, but at 33 I honestly feel old.

Brother, in the words of John Locke: "Don't you tell me what I can't do!"

I'm 31 and beginning post-Bachelor studies so I can fully go through with a career change in two/three years. Who are you to tell me what age I can do such things?

Stop making excuses for yourself NOT to do something.

The next step for me is marriage and then to start a family

Brother, show me this golden book of life where it says that those are the next steps. Those are made-up steps coming from a society that no longer truly exists. You are being TOLD that those are the next steps. But in your heart, that's NOT what you feel comes next.

but I love being single and having my own space. Still I don’t want to be like this forever, part of me does want to start a family… but I feel that even though I should be ready at my age, I am not…. But again at 33 I don’t want to be too old when I have children either.

Which part of you wants to start a family, the girlfriend who has been threatening to dump you for over a year if you won't commit part? You just said you love being single and having your own space. A family won't give you MORE space.

And I got news for you, 33 is still young enough to have children.

YOU don't have to worry about that, not yet. Your clock doesn't stop ticking for a while.

The relationship I am in has its pro and its cons. I have to admit I
I need direction… I don’t know what the hell I am supposed to be doing with my life…

How are we supposed to give you direction?

You need to find this... YOURSELF.

It almost seems like you are trying to discover the meaning of life, or trying to find some special purpose... but in reality, the purpose is to live. You don't sound like someone who is enjoying life... you sound like someone who is just passing through and not making things happen for yourself.

Through your whole post, all I saw was a bunch of excuses.

YOU ARE HOLDING YOURSELF BACK.

Do you know why your g/f won't lose weight?
Because even though you cheat on her... she KNOWS you aren't going anywhere.

She probably even KNOWS you cheat, but knows you aren't going anywhere, so why change anything?

That sense of comfort and security you are describing, she knows it's there.

And YOU need to feel uncomfortable enough with your own life to change that by yourself.

Stop making excuses about what you can or can't do, about what you should or shouldn't do, and start living life and trying to find out what it is that you love the most, not only about life, but about yourself.

 

[rsxtreme]

Im on the same boat in a way like OP, GF of 4 years wasnt honest to her self kept things in a lid leading me to believe things were good all along. She feels like its too late to salvage things yet never telling me these things.. Im at a crossroad where my foot is out the door yet if i stay my guard will be up no matter what.. It all boils down to trusting yourself my man....I know its easy for one to say "yeah leave" but every relationship is different. Im 25 have no real career never went to college( if you count CC as college) Only thing i regret is never trying in school.. I know this is back and forth but im on the same boat as OP being lost, but i know things will get better. In the end trust yourself believe in yourself even if you feel life is heading nowhere

In the past i feel all the friends i meet will leave after a while.. not sure if it was me or them.. for the longest time i felt people just dont like me. Sometimes i still feel like that but as you get older it goes out the window. You are yourself, people either have to accept it or not. I can only say i have 3 friends i can count on.

 

[Reyaj]

I am sorry I am replying late on this post. I don't always get a chance to get on here. I appreciate all the advice given... I am now feeling upset at some circumstances that have developed...

Kailiex

Thanks as always for your response. My problem is I don't know how to find what I'm looking for..... What are your hobbies? What do you focus on? Maybe it can give me some advice. Regarding my gf knowing that I cheat... that is absolutely false... if she knew she would be crushed... I will take that with me to the grave or if we've been married 20 years and I am drunk at a party.... but I really don't want to do that when I get married...


But right now I am upset.... my gf started going off on why we weren't married yet.... totally f#$*#( with my head while I was at work on Friday. She basically said our relationship sucked etc.... I obviously got mad.... What did I do? I went out Friday night got shvit faced and ended up onsing a chick! While the sex was amazing to say the least... I felt guilty seeing my gf the next say so I told her I needed time to think about everything... she now has been ignoring me... Even with all our fights she never ignored me when I tried to get in touch with her...

I know most of you think i should probably be out of this.... but I have been with her so long... she is my best friend... really my only friend... the thought of not having anyone else in my life is what hurts the most.... The few friends I have just like to go out and sarge for women... other than that I am no use to them.... I don't speak to my brother at all as he is far away with his own life and never gave a damn about me anyway....

I am just pathetic.... I am starting to have thoughts that the world would be better off without me.. and thats probably the truth

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

The first thing you must do on your road to redemption is

Value yourself as a man.

I can see that your woman is leading the relationship and this is stressing you out. First thing I suggest you do is break up with this chick. It's obvious as you are already cheating on you that you think you can do better.

Quit all that negative talk and go out with your friends and sarge woman. Become one of the boys. That sh!t you talking about how your woman is your best friend is str8 up bullsh!t. If she was your best friend you wouldn't be as miserable as your are now. Quit making excuses!

 

[Live-n-learn]

Im on the same boat in a way like OP, GF of 4 years wasnt honest to her self kept things in a lid leading me to believe things were good all along. She feels like its too late to salvage things yet never telling me these things.. Im at a crossroad where my foot is out the door yet if i stay my guard will be up no matter what.. It all boils down to trusting yourself my man....I know its easy for one to say "yeah leave" but every relationship is different. Im 25 have no real career never went to college( if you count CC as college) Only thing i regret is never trying in school.. I know this is back and forth but im on the same boat as OP being lost, but i know things will get better. In the end trust yourself believe in yourself even if you feel life is heading nowhere

In the past i feel all the friends i meet will leave after a while.. not sure if it was me or them.. for the longest time i felt people just dont like me. Sometimes i still feel like that but as you get older it goes out the window. You are yourself, people either have to accept it or not. I can only say i have 3 friends i can count on.

Feeling and being lost is the pandemic of our generation, at least in the developed countries where our basic needs are for the most part met.

Rsxtreme, I still feel that way, where people just don't like me. While I don't expect everyone to like me as that might mean I'm just being agreeable and pretentious to everyone, I feel I am often overlooked. I like to think I'm friendly and courteous in the beginnings to give it a chance, and I usually give them the benefit of a doubt at first, but as time persists I will write them off. Building relationships/connections require all parties involved to contribute to it, not just 1 side making all the effort. Similarly, as a result, I don't have many people close in my life either.

Nowadays it's all about social networks, and who can get the most "friends" on their lists. Quantity over quality. Society's smoke and mirrors. It's no wonder why more and more people are dissatisfied with their lives (but they'll keep pretending their lives are fine and dandy). There's no substance, no meaning applied to themselves. No code, no stand; just flocking to the trends of the moment.