5 year LTR ends

[young_gun]

Greetings all,

It's been over 3 years since I've logged into SoSuave but it's great to see that the site is still alive and well. I signed up here in 2004 and have gotten a ton of solid advice over the years. I just read HBK's article titled Guidelines for a Breakup and have to say it is worth its weight in gold. Now I'm looking for some answers and opinions regarding my recent breakup.

I got together with my girlfriend in 2007 when we were 20 and in college. I broke up with her last Sunday and find myself pretty bummed about the whole thing. We moved about 1500 miles across the country about 18 months ago and lived together during that time. For the most part, I felt really fulfilled in the relationship until about 4 months ago.

Back in July one of my college buddies got married, so I went back to my hometown to see him. It was a blast to see my old friends again, and I was getting all kinds of female interest while I was in town. I didn't act on it, but it really got me thinking about how great it would be to be single again, hook up with random girls again and generally do what I want to do. I get asked multiple times a week (mainly from outside sources) when I'm next and all that BS. The truth is, I'm not ready to get married. My parents split up in 2008 and I've seen how horrible it's been on both of them. My dad recently told me he asked himself on the alter why the hell he was doing this to himself. They were married 23 years before they split up! I sure as hell don't want that to happen to me.

Recently my gf has been nagging me about trivial BS and it's driving me insane. We'd fight about it, and nothing would get resolved. Stuff like me watching college football, working too much, etc. I love college football and plan my weekends around it when it's on. We're also swamped at work right now, but my boss is only asking for 5-10 hours of OT per week. These aren't the only things she's been nagging me about but these are the things that stand out to me.

I tried having the talk with her about a year ago that sometimes I need my space to have "me" time but it absolutely blew up in my face. Honestly I've just not brought it up again since because I'm afraid we'll fight about it and I'll be greatly misunderstood. I've struggled to always be honest about my feelings (in life in general) but feel like I've made strides for improvements over the years. I just hope this character flaw of mine doesn't bite me in the as s in the end.

My ex is about a 7/10 on the looks scale and is smart and funny to boot. Sex was always great and even after 5 years we'd do it 2-3 times a week. She has he Master's degree in Education and has a good 8-4 job. I have my bachelor's degree and would like to get my MBA, but have put it off for a while. Now that I'm single, I'm focused on my career and furthering my education, but I'm wondering if I could make amends with her and still advance my career like I want to.

I feel like I just threw a really good catch back in the water but I am sick and tired of being ragged at and feeling like I'm going to be forced into a marriage situation like my dad. I really don't have a problem meeting new girls as my job requires me to be very social and friendly. Now I can work out as much as I want (she never exercises which is a huge turn off for me), advance my career like I want to, and just do whatever I want. I found out that she created a Match.com profile about 3 days after we broke up. I haven't seen the profile myself but it makes me sick to think she could be out there dating again this soon.
I'm trying not to let it affect my judgment but find that easier said than done.

I can't decide whether or not this was a good thing I did, or if I should have just ridden it out and waited for the fight to be over before I broke it off. This is the first time in nearly 5 years we broke up. Help me out here guys!

 

[DonJuanabe]

How did you break up with her? How did she react?

 

[young_gun]

We were at our apartment and she guilt-tripped me about work, which had been an ongoing thing for about 2 weeks. I asked her why the hell everything I did came with a guilt trip and she asked me where the relationship was going. I told her I wasn't ready for marriage and that I wouldn't waste her time anymore. She walked out of the apartment sobbing, and I packed up my stuff and moved out.

 

[zinc4]

props to you...it is hard to dump a girl...i always feel so guilty...its so hard for me to do that

 

[Slickster]

Short and sweet.....

You probably did throw back a great catch but that is no reason to stay with her.

When you meet the right person you won't feel the way you did with her.

You will look back and thank your lucky stars you got out when you did.

It's easy to get nostalgic right after a break up. Look to a brighter future where you are truly happy. Your ex will be happier in the long run too.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Young Gun,
Pity about all this huh?......I had two marriages,morning of the first I looked in the shaving mirror and said to myself,"you bluddy fool,run Man"as I was taking off in a week with the Old Ford Mainline kitted out for a 3.000 mile trip across the Deserts,to a new job in Darwin,It would have been easier than "Slip out the back Jack"........Second time around,it was outright coersion....Two kids were involved...She went on a Holiday about six hours drive away,to her parents,came back with her Old Man and the ultimatum,I gave in....
And you?five years is a long time....settling down at twenty was too young,there's soo much to discover out there...Word of advice from an old fool though....Get that MBA under your belt,and concentrate more on your career....Barring War,this sideways movement in the Economy is not going to improve for decades......In future don't let any of these Women get their feet under your Table,spin plates!

 

[DonJuanabe]

Furthering what scaramouche said there is no reason to get married in your 20s. Wait until you are early/mid 30s -- at that age you are the boss, a man not a boy. You are physically prime and you finally have money/career going your way. You can easily date women from 25 to 35 so you have your pick of the litter concerning physical beauty, education, career, etc.

And as far as a sideways economy, that's the BEST you should expect any time soon. Don't be surprised if/when it deteriorates and falls to crap.

 

[SXS]

You are 25, you have a job, and a cute girl. What else do you need in life ? Women will always want more from you and they will always nag you. That won't change whether is a situation of living together, just dating or married. You can get married, but just be carefull with nupcial agreements. The only thing that actually worries about your situation is that she is the same age as you.

 

[steveromero]

Hey man sorry to hear that. Let me ask you a question...do you want to get back to her or wanna be single again?

 

[young_gun]

It's a really tough call, but I'm starting to feel like I want to get back together with her. I've loved this new sense of freedom I've got but it just feels so empty to me right now. Everything I do reminds me of her. She was my best friend in the world. I know I'm spewing like a total chump right now but this breakup has been really hard on me.

 

[muscleman]

It's a really tough call, but I'm starting to feel like I want to get back together with her. I've loved this new sense of freedom I've got but it just feels so empty to me right now. Everything I do reminds me of her. She was my best friend in the world. I know I'm spewing like a total chump right now but this breakup has been really hard on me.

Been there, done that (though thank God mine didn't last 5 years). Here are a few points to consider:

1. You didn't throw back a great catch. If she was so great, you wouldn't have broken up with her. You mentioned the things that turn you off, so clearly she's not THAT great. Also, your description of her isn't anything special. There are millions of women out there who have the same 'credentials'.

2. Your judgement of all of this is heavily clouded by the fact that you invested a lot of time, effort, and emotion into someone and now have to cut them loose. Pair bonding is strong for this very reason. It's easier for women to move on (hence her Match.com profile) because of how their brain works. It's going to be harder for you.

3. The absolute worst thing you can do is get back together with her. You'll just draw out the inevitable (another breakup). It didn't work the first time, it's not going to work now. Why would you want to waste more time hurting yourself when you can be spending it getting over her?

4. It's going to take a while for you to get over her. 5 years, especially from 20-25, is a big deal. However, you can speed up the process in several ways. A) go full No Contact B) get rid of everything that reminds you of her C) go bang it out with some cuties <-- this is the best cure D) possibly get a short term rebound GF E) find something useful to occupy your time, like exercise like you mentioned.

5. You've come to the realization that you're too young to get married. Not only is marriage a raw deal (a separate discussion), but you're certainly not ready for it. I went through the same thing. I've been single for over 3 years now and it's been the best 3 years of my life. I do what I want, when I want, plenty of pvssy to go around, and I get to focus on me. Focus on building your life how you want it and women will come, don't worry.

Good luck, you're in for a fight.

 

[Purefilth]

^^^ fully agree - I'm 1 year out of a 3 year LTR - Its hard, but you'll make it.

 

[backbreaker]

Been there, done that (though thank God mine didn't last 5 years). Here are a few points to consider:

1. You didn't throw back a great catch. If she was so great, you wouldn't have broken up with her. You mentioned the things that turn you off, so clearly she's not THAT great. Also, your description of her isn't anything special. There are millions of women out there who have the same 'credentials'.

2. Your judgement of all of this is heavily clouded by the fact that you invested a lot of time, effort, and emotion into someone and now have to cut them loose. Pair bonding is strong for this very reason. It's easier for women to move on (hence her Match.com profile) because of how their brain works. It's going to be harder for you.

3. The absolute worst thing you can do is get back together with her. You'll just draw out the inevitable (another breakup). It didn't work the first time, it's not going to work now. Why would you want to waste more time hurting yourself when you can be spending it getting over her?

4. It's going to take a while for you to get over her. 5 years, especially from 20-25, is a big deal. However, you can speed up the process in several ways. A) go full No Contact B) get rid of everything that reminds you of her C) go bang it out with some cuties <-- this is the best cure D) possibly get a short term rebound GF E) find something useful to occupy your time, like exercise like you mentioned.

5. You've come to the realization that you're too young to get married. Not only is marriage a raw deal (a separate discussion), but you're certainly not ready for it. I went through the same thing. I've been single for over 3 years now and it's been the best 3 years of my life. I do what I want, when I want, plenty of pvssy to go around, and I get to focus on me. Focus on building your life how you want it and women will come, don't worry.

Good luck, you're in for a fight.

this is a very narrow minded point of view


look, just beucase a woman is a great catch, doesn't mean she's your catch. If i go fishing and i catch a 15 pound catfish it doesn't mean it's not a great catch just because I don't like catfish (too bland, i like crappie).

A girl could be a good catch and not be the one for you. Relatisonhips, even good ones, end. that's what they do. Girlfriends are no different than best friends. My 2 best friends ever I haven't spoken to since i was 23. They are great guys. I put out feelers to see what they are up to and make sure they are still fighting the good fight, but we don't have anything in common anymore. at all. When i get to the point that i have to start doing things that otherwise i would never do just to spend time with your "best friends", it's time to find new friends. They are great guys. They just aren't my best friends anymore. A girl can be a great girl and not be your girlfriend anymore you just grew apart.

and over time, with anything, women, whatever, you start to find things about someone or something that you find irritating. When Bobby petrino took over arkansas he was the savior of the program. before the whole motocycle thing, even though we had a 10 and 11 win season back to back, he was too moody or he didn't really like to recruit and **** some if not a lot were glad to see him go depsite how good of a coach he was. You get people in drug recovery, the first 6 or so months, they don't give a **** they are just happy to be clean. Then it starts. i hate going to meetings allt he damn time. i don't like such and such he talks too much in meetings, i don't like going to that meeting beucse they are all too uppity, i don't like addicts who go to alcoholic meetings they dont' fit in, you start nit picking and finding things wrong once you get comfortable. **** my wife does **** that irritates the hell out of me, leaving shoes like ****ing mines all around the floor like yesterday she went to the gym, then came home and changed clothes and ran errands, then went to yoga later in the day, then changed clothes again and we went out for dinner.. and this morning there are 3 pairs of shoes on the floor. like damn woman shoe rack how does it work lol. i like to sleep with the TV on and she doesn't, she's not a very good cook.. i dont' care for a lot of her friends, too shallow for my tastes. But however i have been int he field long enough spinning plates, and being around here, and plus the good qualities she does have, i know what i have in the grand scheme of things.

The girl that brought me to this site... 6years later we actually quasi dated for a few months. she has her issues and she's a tad too materialistic, but not to the point of being an all out gold-digger... she's not perfect, but i would qualify her as a catch. easy 8.5-9 still, not super smart but not dumb, has class to her, she's faithful, she loves her job and she has no really bad habits at all. but she wasn't my catch. i knew what i wanted in a woman long term and while i patted myself on the backt hat i finally "got" her, i came to the realization that she wasn't it. i am so into horse racing that a woman who wasn't i knew wasn't gonna work. she's a tad to bland for my tastes, and requires more mtinatnace that i am willing to put forth to keep happy. but she's a good girl and she makes a great wife to her husband. we broke up on extremely amicable terms;l party beucase we both were catches and knew we would have no problem moving on.

OP, you'll always have paris. You want your memories of her to be Paris, not Pakistan.

 

[DavenJuan]

I think youre getting some great advice here, but remember, its just that...ADVICE.. and most of that advice, including advice given by me, is accompanied with biased ideas and opinions.

The question you really should be asking yourself: "Was I Happy?"

Look, Im not the type of person to try and disect what flaws individual relationships might have, and WHY they may have them. But what I can tell you is that EVERY relationship has its sticking points. The bottom line is what are YOU willing to put up with?

dont sacrifice yourself, your beliefs, or what you stand for. But compromise is your friend in ANY relationship.

You have no obligation to her to make things work, but if you were happy, and just didnt like a few things, I dont know if thats enough to justify your OWN happiness. on the Latter, if you didnt enjoy being in that relationship, or felt like you were comprimsing YOURSELF, then walking away for the betteremnt of self preservation is the smartest thing you couldve done.

 

[backbreaker]

I think youre getting some great advice here, but remember, its just that...ADVICE.. and most of that advice, including advice given by me, is accompanied with biased ideas and opinions.

The question you really should be asking yourself: "Was I Happy?"

Look, Im not the type of person to try and disect what flaws individual relationships might have, and WHY they may have them. But what I can tell you is that EVERY relationship has its sticking points. The bottom line is what are YOU willing to put up with?

dont sacrifice yourself, your beliefs, or what you stand for. But compromise is your friend in ANY relationship.

You have no obligation to her to make things work, but if you were happy, and just didnt like a few things, I dont know if thats enough to justify your OWN happiness. on the Latter, if you didnt enjoy being in that relationship, or felt like you were comprimsing YOURSELF, then walking away for the betteremnt of self preservation is the smartest thing you couldve done.

The difference between a healthy relationship (DJ/Alpha male - happy normal woman) and an unhealthy relationship (AFC/BETA male - BPD/ignorant/low class/low quality woman) is understanding the difference between a healthy compromise and an unhealthy sacrifice.

-Backbreaker

 

[Die Hard]

It's a really tough call, but I'm starting to feel like I want to get back together with her. I've loved this new sense of freedom I've got but it just feels so empty to me right now. Everything I do reminds me of her. She was my best friend in the world. I know I'm spewing like a total chump right now but this breakup has been really hard on me.

Three weeks ago, I ended my relationship of 2.5 month. Obviously there's a HUGE time difference compared to you, but the dynamics at play are generally the same...

I felt strong and confident in the first two weeks, I knew that my choice was the right one and I was moving on with life. I tend to be rational and business-like...I've analyzed the situation, I came to the conclusion that it's better to part ways and that there is no realistic possibility to fix things, so I should leave the past in the past and now focus on the future. So that's that...

But in the course of this third week, things changed. I started dreaming about her and the breakup EVERY NIGHT... 'Moving on' is a process and certain steps need to be followed throughout this process. Grieving is one of them... And I HATE that one, lol. I don't WANT to feel sad, I see no REASON to feel sad. I feel my ex girlfriend isn't WORTH feeling sad over, she isn't worth anymore of my time, anymmore of my thoughts, anymore of my emotions. I just want to be DONE with her, I want to leave her and our relationship in the past and move on from it all. But it doesn't work that way, is what I'm finding out the hard way... If you don't deal with it appropriately in a conscious way, your subconcious will do it for you anyway. That's where the dreams come into play...

But I guess the dreaming was just the start, coz now all of a sudden I get these invasive thoughts about her all day long, throughout all my activities. Really, I can't control it, I do my best to get a grip on my own mind but it's kinda futile, like big waves keep crashing over me and I'm trying to stay on my feet...the thoughts just keep invading my consciousness. And whereas I could think about her and the relationship in a rational way during the first two weeks, now the thoughts get accompanied by feelings of sadness, "emptiness" and mild depression. This just keeps hammering down on me and today it reached an intensity where I almost feel like I'm gonna start crying!

It's natural, I guess. And you can't really take a shortcut through the process, you need to go through the phases (denial, anger, sadness, acceptance) in order to really 'move on'.

But what's important to me, is that I keep one thing straight: Feelings of sadness are not a sign that you made the wrong decision! Being in a relationship is a lot like being addicted, and moving on from a relationship is a lot like going through withdrawal. Accordingly, you will experience withdrawal symptoms... Some drug addict who's kicking off and experiencing serious physical withdrawal symptoms might tell himself: "Kicking off this drug is a bad thing, look what the withdrawal is doing to my body!" and convince himself that he's better off returning to his addiction. Which is bullsh!t, of course!! In the end, kicking off the drug is definitely better and rewarding for him. He just has to weather the storm of the withdrawal symptoms, everything will ultimately be better after that and he will be happier afterwards than during his addiction!

I can only speak for myself, man. I know very well why I ended this relationship and I know very well that things will be better for me after I get through this period of "withdrawal", better than if I stayed with her! So I won't budge, even though I miss her like crazy and all I can think about is all the sweet moments and all the joy that she gave me... I will not give into those feelings and go back to her, I know what is right for me and I will not be persuaded by my emotions into returning to her. These emotions are the withdrawal symptoms, I just have to hold out till the storm clears.

Perhaps this applies to you and your situation as well, young_gun.

 

[SXS]

It was a mistake to break up with her in the first place, i think.

 

[backbreaker]

But what's important to me, is that I keep one thing straight: Feelings of sadness are not a sign that you made the wrong decision! Being in a relationship is a lot like being addicted, and moving on from a relationship is a lot like going through withdrawal. Accordingly, you will experience withdrawal symptoms... Some drug addict who's kicking off and experiencing serious physical withdrawal symptoms might tell himself: "Kicking off this drug is a bad thing, look what the withdrawal is doing to my body!" and convince himself that he's better off returning to his addiction. Which is bullsh!t, of course!! In the end, kicking off the drug is definitely better and rewarding for him. He just has to weather the storm of the withdrawal symptoms, everything will ultimately be better after that and he will be happier afterwards than during his addiction!

this is the best post i have seen on this forum in quite a while. i was about to respond to the post after reading the first have and say verbatim what you said. then i said ****, he nailed it .

this forum has so many paralegals (i meant to say parallels, but the typo is so funny i had to leave it there) to drug recovery it's amazing.. but then i realized, **** it's because we are all ****ing addicts lol..l under our normal circumstances without this forum and without the advice and guidence here, left to our own devices long enough, we can't control women, we are controlled BY women. that more than any reason is why i keep coming back. even now, 7 years clean i still go to AA meetings now and again (though i'm not in AA beucase i drink occasionally).

anyway to expand on your thought, the withdrawals are half of it. there are times where you still ****ing crave the drug. and i mean CRAVE. i had a craving about 8 months clean that damn near brought me to my knees..i have a very specific trigger wheni t comes to drug use and it happened and i damn near lost it. i could taste the ****.

and hell,l i did more than crave. i was still living in little rock at the time, so i got in the car. i started "driving around".. beucase you have to understand, an addict when he relapses doesn't say "damn i want to go **** up lol", he says **** like.. i feel like driving around because i'm bored. so i get in the car and i start driving around. then i start wondering over to old places, and re driving through old places, hoping i could see someone i know or ****, someone who just looked like they smoked crack lol that would suffice, so i can find out who had some ****. by the grace of god, a friend girl in AA called me while i ewas in the car and wanted to go do something and that was god sending me a rope and i took that motherfvucker lol. and ****, not 1 hour later the craving was gone 100%.


what you have to understanding, cravings, just like the feelings you are having about your ex now, are just feelings. they aren't indications of right or wrong actions or behaviors. in other words, just because i had a very strong craving for crack, didn't mean i didn't want to be clean and it didn't mean i wasn't doing what i was supposed to do in AA/NA I was very much so. that's just what the **** is wrong with us we have defects. sometime we defect **** lol. we have defective thinking that has to be rectified and kept in check.

what you are feeling right now is a craving basically. you crave the way she feels, the way she laughts at your jokes, the way you feel in side her, her little cute mannerisms you missed seeing, the way she puts Heinz 57 sauce in your sloppy joes (**** is good lol) the way she cuddles with you whe you are sleeping together. and that's perfectly fine.

i'll leave you with this thought. you made the decision to move on in probably a month or a few weeks in a perfectly rational stae of mind. right now you are thinking in an intoxicated state of mind. you aren't thinking clearly.

 

[Slickster]

Wow! Two very good posts by Die Hard and Backbreaker.

Stay strong guys! You too young gun.

 

[scrouds]

Naggers aren't catches worth keeping.