14 Year marriage/22 year relationship over

[MacDaddy]

After a minor argument (my opinion) 2 days ago she asked me to leave. Said things weren't working one of us had to leave. So I told her you leave.

I Went out later to cool off and she had locked the doors so had to sleep in the car.

Yesterday morning she had to open it. Said she wanted separation and i said what was the point let's just divorce.

Any way this morning she wrote an apology of some sorts which has made me even angrier. It didn't say let's try work things out, maybe marriage counseling. Didn't apologise for locking me out which in my book is a no no as I have paid the mortgage for the last 10 years.

I have decided I will move out this weekend for a month. If she does not come crawling in that period I will proceed with the divorce as this is the third time she has asked for a seperation in 2 years.

First time she left and spent a night with her sister. 2nd time I begged her to stay as I felt she just wanted to know she was still loved.

We have four kids 16, 12, 8 & 4 and were childhood sweethearts. I haven't been this angry for a long time and I can't even stand looking at her. I will stop here for now as I could easily write 3 pages

 

[MacDaddy]

Not sure how we got here but she definitely reached here before me. I would say the marriage has been not great almost from the beginning but got worse in the last year. She feels I am not as involved as I should be and she does everything. Because of this over the years she has tried to manipulate my using sex both as a reward and a bribe which has meant we have sex only about once a month.

My response unfortunately was to become more distant after anger and begging didn't work. Now when I ask if she refuses I just walk away. When she needs something she then comes to me.

Apart from that I feel she has never really respected me as I am less than a month older. Also she has serious anger issues and has managed to have arguments with most of my friends, relatives as well as hers.

I have spent a whole day just reading threads here which have been very helpful and while still in pain I am beginning to accept the idea.

I am not closing the door but I fear the damage is irreparable and any reconciliation would only be temporary. If I have to start life with a new partner I would rather start now rather than wait 2, 5 or 10 years

 

[amoka]

Personally, this kind of drama I would hate to allow my children to see in a marriage. Your children are watching every single arguments you and her engaged and in the present day America, it is more than likely the mother who gets the children and not only are you going to paying child support for the children, they end up getting brainwashed by their mother and they grow to claim "they had deadbeat father".

I agree with you that unless, she comes back begging for forgiveness, never get back with this woman. There is no guarantee that this event won't happen again. Let it be known to her that you're ready to walk off and take the full responsibility of the children's wellbeing.

 

[MacDaddy]

Agree. Obviously there is much more to this but all I can advise people here is not to take any BS from the very start and not to ignore it as I did as It only gets worse and will end here. My own lesson from this is ignoring to keep the peace is immature, leads to disrespect and is a disastrous strategy.

 

[DJDamage]

I have decided I will move out this weekend for a month. If she does not come crawling in that period I will proceed with the divorce as this is the third time she has asked for a seperation in 2 years.

I believe that when a woman utters the words even for the first time about seperation then its pretty much over. What you have been doing for the past 2 years is going through the motions to attempt to save your marriage and family but you see first hand its not going to work. If you take her back now, this vicious cycle will repeats itself and you might find yourself even at a worse situation then sleeping in your car.

I suggest that you attain a good divorce lawyer and get the wheels in motions before she does because as soon as you lay the divroce papers in her lap, the sh1t could hit the fan and she will try to get as much out of the deal as possible (house, cars, kids, and alimony payments)especially if she won't agree to a peaceful and fair settelment.

 

[sodbuster]

Get some cash stashed, a new Credit card[mailed to work or some family member],cancell the old ones[so she doesn't rack up new bills] Get your clothes sheets,pots and pans etc-all this stuff costs money,and you'll have enough bills[lawyer].
had a friend come home to a totally empty house-nothing left but the carpet-wife,kid,guns,everything gone-you get your stuff out so it doesn't get"lost by the movers"

It's now War,play like it.

 

[jophil28]

Agree. Obviously there is much more to this but all I can advise people here is not to take any BS from the very start and not to ignore it as I did as It only gets worse and will end here. My own lesson from this is ignoring to keep the peace is immature, leads to disrespect and is a disastrous strategy.

You may well have identified one of the problems in your marriage, BUT have you formulated your responses and designed your methods to effectively counter the BS. You have not heard the worst of it yet.
Remember you are about to enter the darkest part of the tunnel and her malice is about to hit you like an approaching train without a headlight .
She has had a few years to amp up her indignation and accumulate a serious list of charges against you (all of which she will read to you in the next few months after she has blackened your character to anyone who will listen)
You need to prepare.

I do agree that "ignoring to keep the peace" is ultimately counterproductive because it is pure avoidance, and it seeks no action and no solution as a solution.
For your own sake NEVER employ avoidance as a strategy in your separation and divorce. IT did not work in your marriage and it also will not work in your divorce.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Mac,
A very sad story,particularly for the four year old...It happened to me,after 23 years my wife beat me up was taken to the cells,then went to live with a Lesbian group,but still felt she had the right to knock on every door in the neighborhood to tell them what a bastvard I was,guess what?they believed it..your main objective must be to maintain contact with the kids,this will seem a hopeless cause at first but hang in there...you will be happier without her.....within a fortnight of mine leaving I was hanging out of a nice lady,the dining room table removed by my Ex was much harder to replace...once a month naughties?what a life.

 

[MacDaddy]

Get some cash stashed, a new Credit card[mailed to work or some family member],cancell the old ones[so she doesn't rack up new bills] Get your clothes sheets,pots and pans etc-all this stuff costs money,and you'll have enough bills[lawyer].
had a friend come home to a totally empty house-nothing left but the carpet-wife,kid,guns,everything gone-you get your stuff out so it doesn't get"lost by the movers"

It's now War,play like it.

We are in the UK and I think she knows and I know she will probably get to keep the house, car, get alimony and child support as I earn about 4 times what she does. I have accepted this because I also have a business that I started 2 years ago which should take of this year. She knows a little about this but I can hide all the income from this. I was working very hard on this so I could quit my job and spend more time with her and the kids. Well its time for a new plan

 

[MacDaddy]

You may well have identified one of the problems in your marriage, BUT have you formulated your responses and designed your methods to effectively counter the BS. You have not heard the worst of it yet

Not yet as to me unless she does a very drastic about face (and even then I don't know if I can trust her any more) the marriage is over. I am not making any plans for any future relationship with her but will think about this for future relationships. That is why I am here again after a three year absence

I am preparing, trying to excercise, eat well, sleep well (so far impossible) an d stay positive. I am positive about the future and just want to put this behind me and start again. I am 40, should be able to quit my job this year, get a new place, new career, build a new and closer relationship with my kids and a new woman eventually.

At some point she will realise everything I have done for her in the last 14 years as obviously she is only seeing the bad. Funnily I have a friend who has had mistresses and second homes for the last 10 years. His wife's friends have told her on many occassions what he is up to and she has even caught him with one at a resuarant. He is still married though I don't know for how long. Lif e is not fair is it

I know difficult and dark days are ahead and I am still reeling from the fact that a few days ago this is a woman I would have done anything for even with all the troubles we had. I don't believe I have said no to her in my life when she asked for anything. I have tried to make her happy with holidays, brand new cars everything I could afford and couldn't.

My philosophy has been marriage is for ever, for better for worse. I was ready to endure a lot to avoid the shame of failure. We were the dream, fairytale example to many and lots of people will be shocked. I know however that this is no reason to stay together

I will never employ avoidance again but I fear I may already be damaged when it comes to relationships

 

[MacDaddy]

Dear Mac,
A very sad story,particularly for the four year old...It happened to me,after 23 years my wife beat me up was taken to the cells,then went to live with a Lesbian group,but still felt she had the right to knock on every door in the neighborhood to tell them what a bastvard I was,guess what?they believed it..your main objective must be to maintain contact with the kids,this will seem a hopeless cause at first but hang in there...you will be happier without her.....within a fortnight of mine leaving I was hanging out of a nice lady,the dining room table removed by my Ex was much harder to replace...once a month naughties?what a life.

Thanks. I have seen her rage and she actually threatened to call the police. Since I hadn't done anything I knew she would make up stories and I could end getting a record. I believe this is one of the reasons why so many marriages end up in divorce and why women are quick to want out. I now see why some are totally against the idea and my eldest already told me she has no plans to marry. The institution may die out and to me that would be a shame

 

[CaptainJ]

This is why people should make prenuptial agreements.

 

[AMDG]

2nd time I begged her to stay as I felt she just wanted to know she was still loved.

Your mistake - it's payback time.

 

[Bible_Belt]

This is why people should make prenuptial agreements.

After four kids and fourteen years of marriage, it would not have mattered. She gets half of everything regardless.

To the OP, all I can say is good luck. I am divorced, too. As has already been said here, talk to a lawyer and start hiding your money. She can only turn the kids against you in the short term. They will see through her lies with time.

 

[jophil28]

...this is a woman I would have done anything for even with all the troubles we had. I don't believe I have said no to her in my life when she asked for anything. I have tried to make her happy with holidays, brand new cars everything I could afford and couldn't.

Ahhh, so you tried to 'please' her into a state of bliss because you believed in that old saying " keep the little woman happy." Never say 'no' , give in to her every wish and request, go out of your way to make her happy, comply with her demands and accept whatever sexual intimacy she gives in return- in short, by your behavior, you defined yourself as her servant.

Well, how did that work out?

You have discovered a little known secret about many women.
They will take all the benefits, gifts and rewards from a man BUT ultimately reject him after treating him with contempt .
Why ? Because she no longer wants to sleep with, or and be married to a slave.

 

[Rez]

Let me get the facts straight here:

* YOU paid the mortgage for the past 10 years.

* Whenever she asked for a separation in the past, YOU were the one who helped glue things back together.

* And now that the idea of divorce has been brought up...why the hell are YOU the one who's moving out for a month?!

Sir, this is your home. If anyone needs to leave it's her. Don't let her get the upper hand on you like this. Besides, by telling her to leave for a month you'll be making a much better point than if you were to move out expecting her to come crawling back.

The two of you only have sex once a month? Damn, sorry to hear that. I can imagine how personal and cautious the situation can be but there is no way that a woman would ever lock me out of my own home and still get away with it. Let her go and change the locks.

 

[sodbuster]

Spend extra on your busness[on stuff you need to grow it] and lower your income a bit. If you have a mailbox for it, get credit cards sent there. My ex took the last bit of the marriage checking account,so keep it short or empty. Get her name off all insurance,loans etc.

 

[catman]

Sex once a month? She threatens a seperation 3 times in 2 years? Give this woman her"SPACE" permanantly and dont ever ever look back Tell your lawayer you want shared custody and she will get no child support from you my friend!!!! Take care it gets better!!!

 

[Ballie]

Originally posted by Jophil28

You have discovered a little known secret about many women.
They will take all the benefits, gifts and rewards from a man BUT ultimately reject him after treating him with contempt .
Why ? Because she no longer wants to sleep with, or and be married to a slave.
__________________

Very true words from one who knows their dark side. I think all us divorced guys have been guilty of this one.....and is the reason why a second marriage is totally out of the equation.

I feel compassion for the OP. There will be hard times ahead especially as he has young children. It is important though not (very difficult I know) to lose his head and give her reasons to justify her actions. Accept the fact that she wants a divorce and move on.

 

[Warrior74]

If your in the UK look into going to the Muslim courts, they are more men friendly in divorces. I hate that England will eventually turn Muslim, but take advantage of what you can, at least Sharia law supports men's rights.