30 Years Old and Not Clear on The Right Path in Life - Need Feedback

So since I completed my 100 approach journal in 2008 I pretty much validated my theory that most women in today's world are selfish, expect to be catered to, and basically are flakey as hell with poor etiquette.

Subsequently the approaching skills I learned from being in the field landed me a girl who would become my girlfriend and to this day I am in an LTR with her.

I am a realist so I have no problem telling you she is far from perfect.... but she takes our relationship very seriously, loves me, and does things for me that are rare in today's women. These include but are not limited to cooking for me, helping me clean my house, giving me sex whenever I want it (she actually wants it more than I do!), etc....

The negatives? She needs to lose some weight, sometimes gets mad when she doesn't get her way (I stand my ground believe me), and basically is clingy (although I prefer this to a girl that doesn't give a flying f about spending time with me)

So all in all I'd say she is a good girl, hence why I have her as my girlfriend for so long. All of the girls I've met and do meet really make me appreciate what I have.

Now here's my dilemma: She wants to get married to me and is very vocal about this. I basically told her I'm not ready, but she definitely wants to be engaged sometime this year.

I can stand my ground about not being pressured into marriage.... but when it comes to the big picture of this and life I have to admit I am so confused.... All the readings on this board have conditioned me to not get tied down... and to keep spinning plates so to speak... I have met other girls and have hooked up with them while I've been with her but none of them are worth replacing for her.

Sometimes I am with her and I can see myself living a mundane yet comfortable and fulfilling life. And other times I lust for hooking up with flakey hot girls that probably have no concept of familial values.

I know that being with someone that loves you is more important than living a superficial life and hooking up with superficial women.... but I can't help but have that desire at time.... I am 30 now and I'm really not sure what I should be doing... its sad

Ok fellow DJs, fire away at me!

Since you're looking for opinions I'll give you mine.

I don't think you're ready for marriage, doesn't sound like you're
very enthusiastic about this girl either. Maybe you need to date more
to be sure about what you want.

Choice is yours.

But I can give you a tip on getting her to loose weight.

Tell her, if she gets to a size 8/10 (uk) and holds it for two months, you'll seriously consider buying her a ring (this is not telling her your getting engaged, let her fill in the gaps). - Then when she is a size 10, you can re-evaluate the situation.

"no regrets"

thats what i try to live by. if i can make a decision and be able to live with myself and that decision, than i know its the right one.

ultimately you will be at a point where you will HAVE to make a choice. otherwise you will ride this wave for as long as you can and watch this relationship diminish over time.

personally, i dont see how "marriage" is even an option at this point when you know that you are not ready. you have verbalized this to her and yourself.

people look at marriage as an expectation. a DESTINATION that will be reached at some point, instead of looking at marriage as purely an OPTION.

"pressure" and "marriage" do not work together. enjoy your ride for what it is right now. and when you are ready, IF you are ever ready, you will know.

Dear Jay,
Don't do anything you are not completely happy with...The only really good reason to marry is to provide a nest for your young...Marry her and sex will dwindle away as she increases in size....But it seems a reasonably comfortable arrangement so just hang in there,never give any promises,you have nothing against marriage in principle,you just feel you are not ready just yet.

You are in the same situation I was in several months ago. I dated this woman:
-Loved me and would do anything for me (great sex, road heads, etc...).
-Cooked ANYTHING. Then she started hinting she wanted to marry, I told I don't want to get married. She still stayed with me (hoping that I would change my mind). This girl was great to me, frankly, but her past frightened, so I told her to find someone else to date. Well, she did. Now, I feel terrible. I went on couple of dates, sexed couple of women but still not as fulfilled. We dated for 2.5+ years. At 30, think about it very well, because if you decide to get married, it will take you some time to truly find another person to spend 2+ years with before you can think about marrying her... I am not saying you should propose to her but think about things. Do you see yourself being happy with this girl for the rest of your life?

jonwon said:

Choice is yours.

But I can give you a tip on getting her to loose weight.

Tell her, if she gets to a size 8/10 (uk) and holds it for two months, you'll seriously consider buying her a ring (this is not telling her your getting engaged, let her fill in the gaps). - Then when she is a size 10, you can re-evaluate the situation.

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Wouldn't it better to be with a chick who is into fitness?

Instead of always having to dangle the carrot in front of your girl?

I've had similar thoughts. The thing that has bothered me in LTRs is if the girl is older (27-30) because I am effectively tying her down in a relationship where there is no promise (or much hope) of a marriage. You can tell the girl but most of them will stay with you because they love you. So it's effectively YOUR decision whether to let her go and allow her to find someone to marry while she is still young and pretty or not.

In the end I did let the last girl go...

Guess I have to keep going for really young girls.

The way my life is right now, I don't want to date older women. (My age) they expect too much and are really conditioned to avoid the "spinster" role. Society has beat it into our heads that you can't be stable and happy without being married. The way our government is involved in this civil union, and how people look at it so superficially it makes me all the more disgusted with people's romanced idea of marriage.

I don't ever want to get married. I don't want a girl who shares the same world view of marriage. I don't want a girl HINTING at marriage.

Basically, I'll be single for the rest of my life. Oh well. F*ck em.

I think you feel the same way, Jayer, but it frightens me when you say:

Jayer said:

Sometimes I am with her and I can see myself living a mundane yet comfortable and fulfilling life.

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How is the mundane ever fulfilling?

Do you want kids? I suspect that she does, thus the itinerary to keep. Marriage comes before children. It is that way in every fairy tale.

Marriage can be undone, but you can't divorce children. And I think she wants children.

If you'd read Belushi's book on women[I know, the comedian-actually pretty good read on marriage],he actually states that"If 3 of your friends would haul you out in the woods and put on boxing gloves. Then tell you you had to fight your way back to the car to get married to her,but you won't do it-you aren't ready to marry her". You NEED that level of commitment to make it work.

As Foxworthy said [I know another comedian]"they are always better at the interview than at the job"

You have doubts about her,but are afraid you won't do better if you don't take the plunge. There is NOTHING worse than laying in the marriage bed with someone you don't want to be with. IF you are single,you have hope of finding someone. Married? not so much. Women WANTING to be married will always be there.Check out her parents-how large are they? THATS your future wife[unless she's an AW and finally realizes she gets more attention thin-not great for your future then either]

I was married a year and a half ago. I feel lucky at the moment because she is really great and so far the relationship has remained very good. I never thought seriously about getting married until I met her. After we got together I never looked back.

I'm 37 now and when I look at my single buddies and the lives they are leading I can't say I feel like I'm missing out on much. Some of them have small harems which keep them busy but they don't seem overly content or happy with their lives. They still go out all the time and still complain about not enough quality women around.

My early 30's were great as far as womanizing but the older you get the more difficult it becomes to hook up with young chicks. It still can happen but it isn't as easy. At some point you find yourself feeling old and recognize that some of the younger women aren't giving you the attention you used to get.

That might be a good time to jump ship if you have indeed found a keeper. At least start thinking about it.

...

...

Some where in this forum is a thread about a women demanding marriage is the ultimate sh*t test of all. These modern women's cheek never cease to amaze me. It's a man's preogrative to request his GF to marry him not the other way round.

I had that niggly feeling in my gut when I married my ex that I was doing the wrong thing - turns out I was right. There should be NO doubts at all for such a big decision.

The only problem is at 30, a man does want to "settle down" and have kids - that is natural. But being stuck with the wrong woman does not make it worth it - because you will only truly be single again in your 50's.

Jayer said:

So since I completed my 100 approach journal in 2008 I pretty much validated my theory that most women in today's world are selfish, expect to be catered to, and basically are flakey as hell with poor etiquette.

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I've met over 50 new people in the past year, and I would say only a small percentage could one interpret as selfish, expecting to be catered to, or flakey or have poor etiquette. Others would probably say around the order of 3/50 or less, and in my mind, I would say 0/50 as I am good at articulating what I want out of a situation and coming to a healthy agreement with people.

One of the first things I learned when I became a non-violent crisis intervention trainer was that people will often reflect back the energy you put out into the world - what you put out will add or subtract from what they're bringing to the situation. I know for a fact that I bring a calm, upfront, non-judgmental, non-exploitative, genuine, meticulate and caring energy to every interaction. I have found those I met delightful. I would not characterize myself as particularly choosy either. I love people and can find common ground with just about anyone.

If you're feeling defensive or hurt or afraid, you're missing my point and you should stop yourself right now and take a moment to refocus. I intend for you to feel no such emotion and if you do, you're misunderstanding my point. My point is simply that you don't seem to understand where these people you've met in the past are coming from. You don't have much compassion or empathy for them - and since we are all the same, you therefore lack compassion or empathy for some part of yourself. It's not something I think you should think about, in fact, don't think about it. Just let it be as it is, and let those you've met be as they are.

More than anything, I hear a mentality of scarcity - a fear-based feeling that you can't find what you want from other people out there. And you're absolutely right that all you need to find immense happiness from the universe is not in your life-situation but inside yourself.

I believe your sense of scarcity is a false sense of scarcity. Wonderful people are all around IF you can accept people as they are. If you can't accept other people as they are, and therefore yourself, you will never find anyone who meets your criteria. If you are content to share what you can with people, good people are everywhere and they are beautiful.

So I hear a lot of pain, fear in what you're saying. It sounds like you haven't connected with the part of yourself that can make you immensely happy right now. Or else you'd realize that there's nothing wrong with anyone else because you're ok now.

Subsequently the approaching skills I learned from being in the field landed me a girl who would become my girlfriend and to this day I am in an LTR with her.

I am a realist so I have no problem telling you she is far from perfect.... but she takes our relationship very seriously, loves me, and does things for me that are rare in today's women. These include but are not limited to cooking for me, helping me clean my house, giving me sex whenever I want it (she actually wants it more than I do!), etc....

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That's what you're looking for in a woman? So you complain about women expecting to be catered to. Here, it seems you are glad when a woman caters to your childish lack of desire to cook or clean for yourself, and you want a woman to be your masturbation object? I know that you don't think you desire any of those things. And here you are probably feeling defensive again, which is a waste of both of our time on earth. Please don't try to justify this, I'm not interested at all. It's just a thought I want you to have consciousness of.

Healthy relationships are not about people catering to one another, they are about people finding common interests, just like any of your friends. If you have a common interest in sex then great, in cleaning then great. And if you don't, that's exploitation and expecting to be catered to.

The negatives? She needs to lose some weight,

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I just want you to note how shallow that is. I have issues around weight as well so I am no better and also I can note that it's shallow.

sometimes gets mad when she doesn't get her way (I stand my ground believe me)

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That's normal and human.

and basically is clingy (although I prefer this to a girl that doesn't give a flying f about spending time with me)

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Clinginess comes from expecting a relationship to provide a happiness that it cannot provide. We've covered earlier that I believe you have similar beliefs.

So all in all I'd say she is a good girl, hence why I have her as my girlfriend for so long. All of the girls I've met and do meet really make me appreciate what I have.

Now here's my dilemma: She wants to get married to me and is very vocal about this. I basically told her I'm not ready, but she definitely wants to be engaged sometime this year.

I can stand my ground about not being pressured into marriage.... but when it comes to the big picture of this and life I have to admit I am so confused.... All the readings on this board have conditioned me to not get tied down... and to keep spinning plates so to speak... I have met other girls and have hooked up with them while I've been with her but none of them are worth replacing for her.

Sometimes I am with her and I can see myself living a mundane yet comfortable and fulfilling life. And other times I lust for hooking up with flakey hot girls that probably have no concept of familial values.

I know that being with someone that loves you is more important than living a superficial life and hooking up with superficial women.... but I can't help but have that desire at time.... I am 30 now and I'm really not sure what I should be doing... its sad

Ok fellow DJs, fire away at me!

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This is a non-question. You should only pursue what makes you delightfully happy to do. If you're not THRILLED about marriage, then the answer is you're not ready. If she'd like to get married, that's fine. Tell her she can go meet someone else and marry him.

I would not use advice given on this board a signpost for how to find happiness, as most posters on here lead lifes filled with misery. I would only follow their advice if you're seeking misery, which I sometimes believe you are (not consciously of course, but through your own lack of consciousness about yourself and other people). I mean that as no criticism at all, but you will doubtless take it as one. I invite you to any note defensiveness that springs up and consider from where it comes. Our society teaches us junk values like evaluating bodies in a conventional way, seeking to enslave other people - all while telling us we shouldn't do either. Lots of people are in your shoes.

Izza

izza said:

If you can't accept other people as they are, and therefore yourself

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What a bunch of sh!t. Accepting others is not a pre-condition to accepting yourself. I accept myself just fine, I also accept that most of the human race is brutally retarded; but that doesn't mean I want them in my life.

izza said:

I just want you to note how shallow that is. I have issues around weight as well so I am no better and also I can note that it's shallow.

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Wanting your mate to be in good health is not shallow at all. Obesity is a sign of ill-health and thus not sexually attractive. Sure, a fat girl can be my friend and so can a cancer patient girl, but that doesn't mean I'll want to sleep with either of them.

izza said:

That's normal and human.

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So what? There are plenty of very negative things that are normal and human, like cancer.

If you are going to marry then do it because you are out of the game and you love the damn woman and you know whats out there! In your case it seems like you never played the field let alone got in the game and now you are just settling.

My personal opinion is that marriage is not a prerequisite to love between 2 people. I will cultivate the kind of love that knows no boundarys, the type of sh1t they make movies about. When I have that with the woman of my "dreams" then Ill be good to go for something long term.

As always I want to thank everyone for responding. I am glad I got different responses on this as well... it just shows the diversity of opinions.... Let me address each of your feedback

st 99

I agree with you 100% that I'm not ready for marriage. The fact is though I actually have dated a lot for the past years. The fact that most of the women I did date were absolute selfish garbage makes me appreciate what I have and really value her. I know it sounds like I am not enthusiastic about this girl... but thats because I am comfortable. This happend with my last LTR too.. and I ended up breaking up with her because I got bored and basically got tired of her ****... I played the dating game and it wasn't much better... now I'm in another LTR.

Sometimes I feel so good with her.. and other times I lust for just pure sex with other women... I think the problem lies within me..

DavenJuan

Again I agree I am not ready for marriage. I guess what you said is the philosophy I've been living by. Maybe one day I will be ready for it... I still lust to get with other women at times though...

Scaramouche

You have a very pragmatic way of looking at marriage... and I've actually been conditioned to do the same... so thats basically what I have been doing. Reading that soul mates is some bs made up propaganda and being a realist makes me see her as a safe play. Don't get me wrong I do love her... but now I see love is an emotion that can be controlled and felt with other people.... rather than some bs fantasy soul mate fabrication

Amoka

Thanks for that feedback. I appreicate it so much because you were so honest. The truth is I'm not sure if I could be happy with her for the rest of my life... at least not yet.... There are times when I feel I could and there are times when I feel I can't. But if I were to break up with her I am afraid I'd feel like you are right now. Like I said I am no rookie and I have been in this game long enough to realize I found a girl that is rare. Most women out there are shivt... even the ones I still meet...

BTW what about your ex-gf's past bothered you that you broke it off with her? Just curious

FL Guy

It would be... but thats not low on my priority list. I could get a girl that is into Fitness that is a selfish self centered bvitch... and even if she wasn't she still probably would fall short of the efforts my current gf makes for me.

Tosh

I don't understand what you are saying at all sorry lol

Thundermaverick

What I meant by my quote of "mundane but fufilling" is that the little things in life are really the big things. Having someone to come home to after work, to be with at night, to basically be there for you and share your life with is more fufilling than going out chasing superficial hot girls

Bible Belt

Yes she does want children. I think I do too eventually. Thats another big plus for her... I think she would be a good mother.

Sodbuster

I get your point completely trust me. There are times I feel great with my gf.. and there are other times that seeing her too much bores me... But this happend with my last LTR too.... so I look at women, dating, and marriage realistically. The point is what you talk about sounds like media cinematic love when the reality of life is that love is a strong emotion that grows but is more of a comfort than a flare after time.

Slickster

I agree completely with what you posted.... Basically I think if I was a little older and maybe banged a few more girls I'd probably want to settle down with her no problem. I'm just not ready yet though..... I am trying to live a double life.... I am not doing it because I want to be a bad person... but its because I have feelings of both settling down and being in an LTR and going out and trying to have superficial sex randomly.... I know the former is the better option logically and even emotionally.... but at times I can't help but want a little sexual variety.. at least before I get married

Izza

Thanks for responding. You were a big supporter of my 100 approach thread and I always appreciate your feedback. Whether we agree or not I respect your opinion as well as the opinions of others as long as they are mature, cordial, and with good intentions

Now when you say you met 50 new people this year I have to say it’s a big amibigious…. Do you mean 50 women? Were they just people you met or were they girls you were trying to date? When I say that most women I met are selfish, expect to be catered to, and basically are flakey as hell with poor etiquette, I mean strictly in the dating/romance sense. Had I met these girls at work or through another platonic frame I’m sure I wouldn’t have as such harsh criticism about them.
So again I’m not saying I think they are bad people overall…. But as far as forming a romantic relationship they are below par. A lot of it isn’t their fault inherently…. This society we lives conditions them this way.

As far as hearing scarcity from me…. I won’t totally disagree with you there….. This is probably because at times I am a perfectionist…… since nothing is perfect when this happens naturally I feel anxiety….. but when I put on my realist glasses I know I could live a comfortable happy life….

“That's what you're looking for in a woman? So you complain about women expecting to be catered to. Here, it seems you are glad when a woman caters to your childish lack of desire to cook or clean for yourself, and you want a woman to be your masturbation object? I know that you don't think you desire any of those things. And here you are probably feeling defensive again, which is a waste of both of our time on earth. Please don't try to justify this, I'm not interested at all. It's just a thought I want you to have consciousness of.

Healthy relationships are not about people catering to one another, they are about people finding common interests, just like any of your friends. If you have a common interest in sex then great, in cleaning then great. And if you don't, that's exploitation and expecting to be catered to.”

I’m really not being defensive at all, nor have I been with any of your posts. I actually prefer mature criticism because it allows to me to consider other ways of looking at things. That being said I do have a traditional attitude toward relationships and marriage. Now I hope you don’t get defensive because I gather you are quite liberal. Just to use an example I think you can relate to… I’m big pizza lover like you are… I’d rather have a woman that caters to me but rather eat liver than go on a pizza trying excursion than an independent woman who would travel to every pizza parlor in the country but won’t make herself available to me as much as I desire. Am I right or are you right? Or are we just both entitled to have our own views on life like every individual born into this world?

I agree the weight issue is overall shallow…. This is why I deal with it but I also agree with Luthor that taking care of one’s self is positive.

Yes clinginess isn’t healthy…. But again I prefer that to your “independent woman” who sees me on her schedule and not mine.
I agree I’m not ready for marriage.

Weezy

I understand your point… the fact is though I was in an LTR previous to doing my 100 approach journal and getting back into the dating game. If my current LTR leaves me because I’m not ready for marriage then I will accept it and move on. Nobody is going to pressure me, I won’t get married until I am ready. Maybe that’s another good test to see if she’s worth it?

Julian

Read my 100 approach journal… I have played the game for 2 years since my last LTR, I do know whats out there. I know whats important in life. But at the same time I have superficial desires…. I guess I’ll know when I’m ready… but until then I’ll do what I’m doing

Hey Jayer,

After being in a couple of bad relationships, a good friend of mine told me to write down every quality I was looking for woman I would want to marry. I started writing them down on a ****tail napkin at a bar that very night and came up with 20 or so qualities with her help. I add more the following year or so. I then really looked at the qualities that really meant the most to me. I had many superficial qualities that I thought were really important at the time, but disregarded those because down deep would those qualities wouldn't mean much when you go through tough times. As you know, you'll always will go through tough times.

Doing this really helped me focus on what is important for the long term. I did this list 3.5 years ago. I ended getting married last September to my wife that met all of my important qualities. Maybe this will help you focus to what is really important to you and help you decide if she is right for you or not.

Good Luck,

TS