Girlfriend and grinding

Hello all,

I need to know your opinions on this because I got in my first "limiting" with my girlfriend (where I would not allow a certain behavior under possible breakup).

We were talking about clubbing and grinding.

Me: "Why would you even want to go clubbing?"
Her: "I would just want to go to have a fun time."
Me: "What exactly a fun time at a club. I know that it is mostly just a meet market where people go to hook up."
Her: "Yeah, I would just go have fun with my friends and grind."
Me: "What!?! Why would you even think about grinding on other guys when your in a relationship with me."
Her: "Oh, I don't think that it means that much. It's just a fun little dance."
Me: "No, I disagree with that. It's more of a dance of having sex with your clothes on. I don't know why you would want another guy to touch you as it is."
Her: "It's just a fun dance."
Me: "It just bothers me right now. Don't you think that you would get mad if I was grinding on some random girl for a night?"
Her: "Well, what if it was with a friend would you have fun with that?"
Me: "How does that make much of a difference? I feel that it is just disrespectful to me for you to do that. Alright?"
Her: "How is that disrespectful and what female friend would be as close as me and [competition that wants to get with her]?"
Me: "Would you mind if I went to a strip club and got a lap dance first of all?"
Her: "Well thats different? She would have her clothes off."
Me: "I don't see much of a difference, alright. Secondly, most of the friends that are girls either want to sleep with me or already have."
Her: "Who is that?"
Me: "Sheri, Rebecca, Christina, Marie, Trisha, and a couple others."
Her: "I don't think that I would have a problem with you grinding on them as long as you don't cheat."
Me: "I think that it is pretty close to cheating and very disrespectful."
Her: "What would happen if I did?"
Me: "I don't know, but since it is a pretty bad to do to me and I think that it is like cheating. You know my policy with cheaters so I wouldn't try it. You would probably not like the results."
Her: "Oh..."

Do you guys think that I handled the situation good and am I overreacting?

I have to talk with her again later tonight about this. I need suggestions.

comic_relief

Grinding is a foreplay behaviour, like kissing another person. Maybe it's not cheating, but it's also not being faithful. You did pretty well. Now if she goes out and grinds men, leave.

I would feel the same way mate. Dancing and clubbing is fine. I do it myself without my girlfriend. But grinding with other guys...hell, even dancing and flirting with other guys on a night out is out of order in my opinion.

I understand you getting p1ssed at her suggestion, but I would recommend reacting indifferently and using a bit of reverse psychology instead. Try casually hinting that you're going to be getting upto some undisclosed flirting yourself. Try this...

"Look, I think I overreacted about you going clubbing. I think I've probably got a bit too serious about this relationship, but you're right [directing it back at her], we probably need to relax more. Afterall, we are young and it's not like we're married. So it's all cool."

Now she'll wonder why you've changed your attitude and what's in it for you. She'll worry that you're not so serious about her and that you want your freedom to get upto things with other girls. You've turned the tables on her and given her a taste of paranoia.

I did exactly this with my girlfriend when she arranged to meet up with her ex-boyfriend. At first I got p1ssed off, then I took a step back, remembered what I learned here, and approached it again with indifference.

I told her it's nice she has a friendship with her ex and it would be good for her to meet up with him. I explained that I'd been taking our relationship too seriously and she's right that we need to chill out more. She immediately started panicking and told me " I AM serious. I thought we were serious...and so on" and then "I don't want to meet up with him. I understand why you said it now and I'd feel the same if it was your ex". She was almost begging for me to take back what I'd just said.

If she didn't change her mind and decided to go ahead and meet her ex, then I would start taking female friends out, flirting with women and keeping my options open. She might not think it's a "fair trade" but she doesn't make the rules. If she disrespects me, then I'm a free agent and those are MY rules.

Best of luck mate. I hope you work it out, but just remember that you must be willing to walk away if you need to.

man, this girl sounds like a real hor. You really know how to pick your girlfriends...

i like Jariel's suggestion, tho. It sounds like it might work. If she starts doing this sh1t then you'd better start spinning other plates. (In fact, maybe just start spinning them regardless, because this "relationship" probably isn't going to last.)

I've returned after a long hiatus. Now listen to me because my advice is golden.

It all depends on how serious your relationship is. Seeing as how she's still going to clubs and grinding strangers, it doesn't seem all that serious.

It looks more like a "practice relationship", so that you know what to do when you decide you want the real thing. Or a way for her to get regular sex from one person, which will be fine until she gets bored. Or until you get bored.

My advice is to not sweat it. She's gonna grind whether you like it or not. Your relationship isn't that serious. So, go out and do the same.

While you're at it, date a few other girls on the side. It'll keep your mind fresh and independent.

I wouldn't be okay with the grinding either, but girls do like to dance. She may want to get out and start meeting her next b/f, but doesn't want to leave you until then. Or, she may be a bit bored and just wants to go out with the girls.

You're in tricky territory because you're revealing a little bit of insecurity to her, and you played your trump card, but at least she knows how you feel about it.

I assume you like her since you're together, so here is what I suggest. Cut down your time with her somewhat, and start going out with your friends. Get numbers but don't call. That way you're hedging your bets a bit and will suffer a little less oneitus. Plus it may be good for your relationship for you to have more going on and be less at her disposal.

Luveno said:

I've returned after a long hiatus. Now listen to me because my advice is golden.

It all depends on how serious your relationship is. Seeing as how she's still going to clubs and grinding strangers, it doesn't seem all that serious.

It looks more like a "practice relationship", so that you know what to do when you decide you want the real thing. Or a way for her to get regular sex from one person, which will be fine until she gets bored. Or until you get bored.

My advice is to not sweat it. She's gonna grind whether you like it or not. Your relationship isn't that serious. So, go out and do the same.

While you're at it, date a few other girls on the side. It'll keep your mind fresh and independent.

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Little background on my relationship with her:

Seen each other for almost four months
Exclusive: one month ago

Never went clubbing before in her life, but understands what the entire scene is all about.

I usually apply all DJ techniques to my relationships. Most of the advice here is golden by any amount, but I already have them applied. I've been here for almost three years now, I learned a bit.

Cutting down on time with her is not much of an option: I only see her once a week for maybe a night or two. I only speak with her maybe three times a week. Cutting back on conversation with her would almost give her or me nothing.

Hanging out with friends is not much of an option because I already do that at least four times a week. I go drinking all the time with them or some other crazy thing. So, going out with friends is not an option.

I could easily be spinning more plates and probably am without hanging out or anything. I already had in the past week three girls ask if they could have sex with me. I turned it down because of the entire girlfriend thing.

Hanging out with girls to make her jealous? Doesn't work because she encourages me to hang out with female friends and acquaintences because she trusts me. She has seen me have a waitress offer to have sex with me after meeting.

comic_relief

As funny as it sounds. Going to a strip club sound less offensive than going to grind guys at a club. Believe me, it is much harder to pull women who charge to touch you than it is for a girl to get a horny guy at a club insterested in her.

Jariel,

I like your method here and I think that I might just do that today. It sounds like the best, but I would like to hear more suggestions on how to deal with this situation.

btw Luveno, welcome back man, I've been missing your advice for a while.

comic_relief

Don't be controlling dude! She can go out if she wants, its all part of being young! She can dance with her friends on the dancefloor if she wants...what do you expect her to do when she goes out? As long as she doesn't make any advances on any other men then there should be no problem! Trust is an important element in a relationship!

Let her dance with other guys but let her know the boundaries you think are appropriate to set.

The moment she mentioned grinding I would have dumped her and told her you just want to be friends, she obviously isn't mature enough to be in a relationship. The ones at the bars/clubs that are in relationships are usually the most likely to succumb to temptation because they don't have their shield up and it's so exciting to be naughty. I opened up a group of 5 girls last night and the one that engaged me the most was the one in a relationship, no shield no resistance!

And if she's just having her fun then why does she need to be in a relationship?

I think you handled it well. I wouldn't stand for it either. But, some guys think its ok, but those guys grind with other girls too.

amen, brother kratos

comic relief said:

I only speak with her maybe three times a week. Cutting back on conversation with her would almost give her or me nothing.

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comic, re-read that statement, and tell me what is wrong with it. (Hint: You can cut back!)


It sounds like this girl may just be using you as a f-buddy. Or maybe she's just playing you until she can find someone better (Monkey Branch Theory). Either way, I think you're more interested in her than you should be. She doesn't sound like relationship material. And if all she really wants to be is a f*ck buddy, then why are you turning down other girls because of her?

Something should be taken into consideration, this is probably a pretty young woman. That doesn't make this situation an exception but rather an explanation. Jariel's suggestion would have a better chance of working with an older woman; but hey, anything is possible (but is it probable?).

Some younger women (I think that they're young enough to still be considered girls) typically thrive on flaunting their sexuality. Ever notice who's the largest demographic on MySpace? This situation is the same thing.

Given that this girl isn't a woman yet (at least mentally) it's almost always a waste in using "guy logic" with her. More times than not asking "How would you feel if I..." is moot because she will typically find a way to justify her actions and make your logical "what is" statement seem juvenile. So in the future, if you must use logic, refrain from using "What if I..." statements.

Back to the situation; my first question is why you're not clubbing with her? If she must grind on someone, why shouldn't it be you? Given that, it bears to bring up what she's getting out of her grinding interludes. It doesn't necessarily mean that she's promiscuous but it does say that she doesn't see sexuality exclusive to who she is dating (it's a young girl thing, women tend to have grown out of that mindset).

Young girls tend to get off by being sexual, teasing and walking away. Call it social proof, **** teasing or whatever; the final outcome is that they feel better that it's apparent that they feel wanted. The question is why does she still need that validation while in a relationship (again it's a young girl thing).

So the question comes up as to why the hell do they decide to date someone if they still feel the need to do this type of thing. Again, this is one of those "guy logic" type questions that doesn't fit into the premise of the actions of young women. It's just the way that things are.

Francisco d'Anconia said:

So the question comes up as to why the hell do they decide to date someone if they still feel the need to do this type of thing. Again, this is one of those "guy logic" type questions that doesn't fit into the premise of the actions of young women. It's just the way that things are.

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Because they can.

Jariel's advice is spot on... for a woman who is thinking about disrespecting her long-term partner. A woman may think that being friends with her ex is harmless, and it's likely that friendship is all that she truly wants. There's no intention of doing anything remotely sexual here. But C_R's woman is accepting the sexual behavior as if it's normal, even though she's in an exclusive relationship.

Her: "Oh, I don't think that it means that much. It's just a fun little dance."

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I'm really trying to see where she actually has any kind of respect for you and the relationship that the two of you are trying to build. You haven't been in this relationship for very long, and if I were you I'd seriously consider cutting this LTR short if she truly feels that dry sex is just a "fun little dance". The only excuse I could possibly give a woman for wanting to engage in grinding is if she's new to the country, and is accepting that grinding is the social way of America. However, I have a feeling that C_R's gf was born in America.

Now if she goes out and grinds men, leave.

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Dark Chivaly, this woman now has two options:

#1: Quit grinding
#2: Grind, but don't tell

This woman has already fvcked up C_R's trust in her. Given how new this LTR is, I wouldn't bother trying to rebuild trust with this woman.

Oisdog said:

Don't be controlling dude! She can go out if she wants, its all part of being young! She can dance with her friends on the dancefloor if she wants...what do you expect her to do when she goes out? As long as she doesn't make any advances on any other men then there should be no problem! Trust is an important element in a relationship!

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There is a difference between "controlling" and "putting the woman in her place". He cannot control what she does, but he can tell her what is inappropriate relationship behavior, and he can tell her what he will not tolerate. That is not control, it's maintaining the relationship. If she refuses to help build and maintain the relationship, then she isn't relationship material.

If a woman fvcks another guy and then yells at her bf for "controlling" who she sleeps with, does that automatically mean she is correct? Women usually pull the "control" card when their AFC bf finally wakes up and calls her on her bull5hit. Men who don't tolerate a woman's bull5hit from day one don't have the problem of her pulling the "control" card, because he hasn't changed the dynamics of the relationship.

If you let a dog 5hit all over the carpet for 12 years, do you think the dog is going to listen when you try to stop him from 5hitting on the carpet? It's much the same with women, infidelity becomes a habit. If you don't correct her from day one by teaching her NOT to 5hit on the carpet, you're going to continue to have problems with her.

honsetly I understand how you feel even though thats not how i feel. first using the psyc thing on her is kinda petty and imature...teach her a lesson? not cool, not my style.to me dancing is just dancing an there is a way of grinding because a certain song requires it (alot of new reggae and southern crunk muzik) and passionatly grinding to feel each other.

lol now I read a few other responses and not i'm not too sure, but either way it sounds like a little immaturity on her part (lemme guess yall are in college) and insecurity on your part, has she ever given you any reason not to trust her?

im just going to speak for myself here, as a chick...
i have never grinded on anyone without some sort of intentions....
the same intentions that you were thinking when you were having this conversation....