Is it ok for me to cry now? ... but im a man

I have been having an amazing relationship with this girl. I feel i have done everything right. I am the prize i am the prize. She chased me, pursued me and i chose her out of the other plates i was spinning at the time.

So things in my life have been rocky. During the relationship, unfortunatly i lost my job. Due to me losing my job and not finding a job of equal pay i had to downgrade from a nice ranch style town house to a little studio apartment in a questionable end of town. Through all this she has been with me. Kissing me on the forhead telling me its gonna be ok. Then my car died and i had to get a beater. Overall she wasnt in it for the money. In fact shes the one that landed a great job and her career is finally taking off.

We had some minor problems. She wanted to go out and party. I put my foot down about feeling disrespected due to her wanting to party with her girlfriends. I have no problem but hanging out at bars/clubs with other drunk guys wasnt very acceptable. She understood. In fact she loved it. "Your the only guy that has ever put his foot down and put me in my place". She was all about me. We made a deal to party together. At least once twice a week so she could get it out of her system. And i would be there with her.

This was fine for months. But i grew sick of parties. Its just not my scene. I started to not become fun when we went out, because i wasnt having fun. She hung out with me alot rencetly due to lack of work. I would keep busy by working out at the gym 6 days a week. Ive become close to her family and they have almost accepted me as one of there own.

No signs of trouble. I had a little problem of always being late to places. Hanging out with her, late from the gym whatever, i got lazy. Its just my nature. I take my sweet as time. Recently i had my birthday and it was a horrible day. It just kept getting worse. Leading up to me getting so drunk that i said alot of things around her i wish i could take back. I almost told her i loved her, i was rude and overall a huge di-ck. I regret it and i apologized and we both havent spoke much of it. We choose to pretend it didnt happen.

Well while drunk i talked about my past. My mother use to abuse me. I hate my mother. She would beat me till i passed out. Then when i was 18 she kicked me out of the house. I lived in my car for months alone and managed to get a job and work to where i am today. Im proud of that. Unfortunatly i have no education. My girlfriend is working on her Masters (then plans to get her phd). She is the bread winner and she knows it. Shes fine with it. She says if we ever got married or lived together she would support me so that i could go back to school and get an educaiton. For that alone i love her. (but i never said I Love you.) I feel if i do her Interest lvl will drop even more even though i know she cares so much could be another problem im unsure of.

But since i got drunk on my birthday, and said some nasty stuff things have been weird. I noticed as well once i started getting lovy dovy with her, her interest levels have dropped. But if i ignore her shes all over me. To the point i have to push her off me. Why cant i be lovy dovy as well? Its annoying.

Anways. This week has been horrible. I was really late from the gym and didnt call so she went out to party with her girlfriends. Told me to call and i pretty much got blown off. She partied with just the girls at one of there houses. Thats fine. I was upset and flipped. Saying she disrespected me by ignoring me and not seeing me on one of her days off. I got needy. By this i threatend not to do anything on her birthday wich is monday. I even took it as far as if it continues i dont know if i can be with her. Trying to show to her that i could walk anytime if she gets out of line. She belives im "punishing her" now.

She hung out with another one of her friends till 4:30am. So not like her at all. Her friend obviously poisioned her mind. Compared me to an x boyfriend that the friend dated that was controlling, and abusive. Now my girlfriend confronted me. Says im controlling, i have trust issues. She also said have issues due to my mother wich are un fixable. That im trying to control her. Shes done, doing her own thing. She cant handle it and almost broke up with me online (lame). I wanted to call her but she wouldnt pick up and didnt wanna get into it at 5am. She wanted to get her stuff and just end it. Wich is insane over a phone call. Things got really blown out of proportion and shes been ignoring me. I would love to call her or talk to her but i know it will only make matters worse.

She was suppose to come over and get her crap today but hasnt. No contact nothing. Tomorrow she may come over because she works the following day. Im slightly devistated. Its not like this is my first break up. In fact at this point i should be getting use to it and moving on fast But i mean what the hell am i doing wrong. I have never had a LTR last more then 9 months to a year. 3 years with one woman at this point feels like an eternity. Im controlling yet before she was so turned on by me putting my foot down. Her interest lvl was insantly high.

I try to get her off my mind i cant. I decided to enroll in boot camp the same day she said shes cant date me anymore. I tried to go sarging just to get her off my mind. I went out and it just felt so wrong. I was so sad. I went to the mall to sarge and make eye contact and just say "Hello" to women. I couldnt even get one "hello" out. I went to the bookstore, the grocery store. Then the video store (wich is packed because its a saturdaynight, lonly girls renting movies). I spent 2 hours out and it was the biggest waste of time. She infected my mind bad. I just quit went to my car feeling like a failure.

I almost cried but i wont let myself. I cant get her out of my head this oneits is bad. I want to cry so bad but im a man. Is this relationship fixable without me cutting my balls. Hell i dont even know if i should continue with how much power it feels like she has over me if she breaks up. I just feel like ****. Im going to try and go out at all costs just so i dont sit at home because i know shes out having a good time. Its not officially over shes going to come over at some point to get her crap and talk for a few. But if she belives i dont trust her and im controlling her. I know from the past that its over, completely dead and shes going to just be a vindictive bi_tch at this point. I dont even wanna get back into the dating scene. Its a viscious cycle. Even though my grandfather told me the best way to get over a girl is to get under a new one. Im so tired of it. I cant be open and honest with a girl because once she gets to know me and my past things fall apart. Do i have to live a lie to have a decent relationship? I feel so drained.

Can i cry now? but im a man

If you want to cry, then f*cking cry. All this "be a man and control your emotions" can be taken too far. If you are alone and feel bad, then CRY! Crying exists for a reason, it helps you rid yourself of negative emotions. It is cathartic.

I'm sorry to hear about your bad childhood. Though we all have had our problems, I can't relate to an abusive mother. I can see how it might scare a girl to hear about that though. But I don't think you need to lie about it. Maybe you just need to find a girl who is strong enough to understand and deal with your past.

Regarding this girl, I think the only solution is to be as strong as you can and not let her break you down. Don't be the man on your knees begging for her to come back. That is not the man she is crazy about. She is crazy about the strong man who can put her in her place. FYI I think a lot of your behavior moved past "strong man" into "weak man" territory because being overly controlling shows a lack of confidence. If you choose to get into a LTR, there is a bit of an agreement made that there will be some amount of mutual respect and trust. Your controlling behavior shows you don't trust her, and you lack confidence in yourself to keep her.

You need to continue to work on your inner game man. You need to overcome the demons of your past and build yourself into a truly strong and confident man, not one who is faking it (which frankly is what you sound like above.)

It's not your past; it's the baggage you carry because of your past. You have to find a way to not hate your mother any more, as difficult as that must be. Hating anyone is counter-productive in that it makes you dwell on the past. You have to let it go. She is always going to be in your head fvcking up your life, until you can forgive her and put all of the horrible things she did into the past. She must have been abused herself to be able to dish out that kind of abuse to you. And her abuser was probably abused himself.

You have done pretty well with what you have had to work with. It's excellent that you are not a woman-beater, because they tend to come from abusive backgrounds. If you're controlling, it's probably because you have had to deal with so much uncertainty and adversity in your own life. It's nothing insurmountable if you recognize when it's happening, and I think it all starts by replacing the hate for your mother with pity.

And about the girl, if indifference has always worked, it seems like the best strategy now.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=16822&highlight=things+learned

It’s a roller coaster, ups and downs, baby. “When you’re up, it’s never as good as it seems and when you’re down it seems like you’ll never get up again.” You will.

No signs of trouble. I had a little problem of always being late to places. Hanging out with her, late from the gym whatever, i got lazy.
...Anways. This week has been horrible. I was really late from the gym and didnt call so she went out to party with her girlfriends.

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Wow, this has got to be the 1st time in the history of this board a chick has actually dumped a guy for acting like a jerk instead of a wuss!!

Look, I know to you being late doesn't seem like a big deal, but what's she supposed to do when you say you'll be there at 8? Get ready to go, stare at the clock til 9, take a call from her girlfriends at 10, tell them she's still waiting for you, etc..

Buddy, what if she did that to you? Say you offered to cook her dinner, and she shows up 2 hours late, when the food was cold and you'e ready for bed, then goes ballistic and says you're blowing her off because you didn't put your life on hold?

I'm just speaking from the heart: I :cuss: HATE BEING STOOD UP! That includes being significantly late without a good reason. (It's the gym, not a business meeting.)

I'm just amazed that you have had a girlfriend for this long, have been through this much together, and you have never told her you loved her???

WTF???

Dude, there is a line between being a wuss and being a hard headed ****, and that line is where you want to be. For you to be with this girl this long and to never tell her you loved her, which I might add is VERY important to a woman, well, no wonder she left you. Wow.

You're not controlling or abusive. Your actions are perfectly reasonable given the conditions. She's staying out late partying until 4:30am when she has a boyfriend. Not good.

She's using the control and abuse issue as an excuse to break it off with you.

A girl in an LTR for this long (3 yrs.) WILL NEVER break up for excuses like that UNLESS she has someone else in mind for dating (or is dating).

It's the beginning of the end with her. Find a way to cut her loose.

What if your wife get into your computer

I used to cry for my wife but it never worked

This stuff is not for girlfriends.

She will obviouisly get bored of you and want to **** other guys. She probally already is. Get over it and get somebody else.

It's human nature to want to **** around and have fun.

Actions speak louder than words, your acting needy. She knows you love her, the fact you don't say it probally means she it's even more obvious. She left you for being what this site would call an AFC.. not because you were a jerk. It's cool to love each other but it won't last.

Break up with her NOW. Just say your bored of her and don't want to have to worry about what she's doing at parties. Don't burn bridges. She'll come back. You can trust in this stuff, it's unhealthy to want her SO bad you can't take a break for a bit. But you can trust in this stuff that you both will probally get back together at a later time.

cordoncordon said:

I'm just amazed that you have had a girlfriend for this long, have been through this much together, and you have never told her you loved her???

WTF???

Dude, there is a line between being a wuss and being a hard headed ****, and that line is where you want to be. For you to be with this girl this long and to never tell her you loved her, which I might add is VERY important to a woman, well, no wonder she left you. Wow.

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there's no timeline for telling a woman you love her. If he doesn't love her he doesn't love her.

xxSLavExx said:

there's no timeline for telling a woman you love her. If he doesn't love her he doesn't love her.

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She knew he did anyways.

men ****ing cry if they ****ing want to, being a man is doing what u feel right, confidently

Weak_Game said:

She hung out with another one of her friends till 4:30am. So not like her at all. Her friend obviously poisioned her mind. Compared me to an x boyfriend that the friend dated that was controlling, and abusive. Now my girlfriend confronted me. Says im controlling, i have trust issues. She also said have issues due to my mother wich are un fixable. That im trying to control her. Shes done, doing her own thing. She cant handle it and almost broke up with me online (lame). I wanted to call her but she wouldnt pick up and didnt wanna get into it at 5am. She wanted to get her stuff and just end it. Wich is insane over a phone call. Things got really blown out of proportion and shes been ignoring me. I would love to call her or talk to her but i know it will only make matters worse.

She was suppose to come over and get her crap today but hasnt. No contact nothing. Tomorrow she may come over because she works the following day. Im slightly devistated. Its not like this is my first break up. In fact at this point i should be getting use to it and moving on fast But i mean what the hell am i doing wrong. I have never had a LTR last more then 9 months to a year. 3 years with one woman at this point feels like an eternity. Im controlling yet before she was so turned on by me putting my foot down. Her interest lvl was insantly high.
Can i cry now? but im a man

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I think she is pretty accurate on what went wrong. She is also accurate that the issues with your parents are hardwired in you and they will never change. You have abandonment issues and she doesn't. The solution to your problems actually begins without her.

You need to get the other parts of your life back in order. Career, finances, health, etc...

Exactly.
Cry if you want but what you really need to do is.

Break up with her. Get your other **** in order. She'll come back later. Chill and get another girl for a bit.

guy, u gotta relax. Fvck. ur fvcking up ur relationship with this girl because of ur actions. She is right. u are controlling and u do have trust issues. Why wont u let her party with her friends? What if this girl suddenly told u that u cant go party with ur friends, or go play pool or go golfing or whatever it is that you enjoy. Guy, u gotta straighten ur head out, go see a shrink, im serious.
u gotta realize that u are a Macho boy. U like to dominate women, ur uptight and ur jealouse and if u keep this up u wont be seeing much more of this babes. She was turned on when u put ur foot down about her going out to parties, but then after a while she got tired of u trying to controll her (and good for her, at least we know now that u have a girl with high self esteem). At first she initially misconstrues dominance as a male strength quality, which is why she liked it, but after a while she just sees u as an uptight jerk. ( whats the big deal about her going to parties). If this girl has high interest in you (90% or higher) then she cant cheat on u.

guy, u need to straighten ur life out and ur attitude. Stop being a macho boy, and start being a gentleman. U cant controll a woman, get that through ur head, she will do what ever she wants to do when she wants to do it, so relax. I suggest in the future that u never get drunk ever again infront of this girl, unless when ur drunk u turn into the funniest guy on earth, just save it for the boys. Ur too emotional and u reveal too much of ur negative past when ur hammered, which turns her off. So dont call this girl or anything, you have to wait for her to make contact with u. (this might be in a week or two). But when she does, u have to apologize for being such an a$$hole to her (dont beg, thats a weak thing to do, just say ur sorry) Say it once and leave it at that. Then if she forgive u and decides to give u another shot u have to change ur ways with women. Stop being so stuck up, jealous and possessive.

And go ahead and cry, just dont do it infront of her

hrmm u could proberly fix it with a letter, but youd have to say u love her in the letter, and it would have to be pretty long and not a poem or romantic or ne **** like that itd have to be u like explaining why u dont want it to end and all that ****... and u could give it to her when she comes to pik up her stuff... or send it in the mail and hope it gets there b4 she comes and piks up her stuff

all the **** were the word sh!t i didnt relised theyd be censored sorry

Update:

I got ahold of her when she got home from work. She didnt seem all that interested in talking to me. Found out she went out the past weekend. Partied it up, went to bars etc. She claimed i had to have been out as well hitting on girls etc etc.

Because we didnt officially break up. I figured we were working on it. We just havent had a chance to sit down and talk in person, shes been avoiding it. I asked how she acted. I asked if she "acted single". When it came down to it. She claims shes very flirty. But she didn't go home with anyone. So all within a week shes already moving on. I got very afcish and asked if she missed me etc. Nothing came from her. But shes coming to talk to me possibly tomorrow to get her stuff.

Ive been not talking to her, giving her space and not calling her non stop. She says shes a free spirit, she dosent wanna be caged. She says i won't let her go out with her girlfriends. Wich is bull****. Is it really wrong to not want your girlfriend to go out to clubs bars, intoxicated. She says so what there are drunk guys. As long as she comes home to me. I dont know how thats respectable to my relationship. I think its disrepectful. She use to have serious issues with me and other woman. I had naked pics of X's that drove her nuts wich i deleted recently. It was an every week thing for her to complain and be very insecure bout me leaving her for another girl. She felt i was above her, i was the prize. She told me i could have woman that were more beautiful than her and she didnt know why i was with her. It got annoying but i was on the pedestl. I wanna get back on. But now, shes dropped me like a rock. Because im "controlling" and have "trust issues". Wich apparently i didnt have the week prior because she was in love with me. Shes over analyzing and over thinking and supplicating to her friends mind poison.

She says we can't work on it. I think its very workable and its not a reason for us to leave our relationship. I have no desire to be with another girl, nor chase. Ive grown tired. I dont even desire to masterbate. Ive been chasing girls since i lost my virginity. Its always been from one girl to another. Once i lose one, i go on the hunt for another. I randomly dated and hooked up with girls years ago but it wasnt for me i didnt like it, it didnt feel safe with aids and ****. I had this hot 19yr old come over yesterday to lay down and watch a movie with me.

I didnt wanna bang her, she was all over me touching my chest. She tried to get me to feel her up. I have 0 desire. Technically im single and it just felt wrong. Like a waste. We did nothing and i asked her to leave because i was tired.

My issue is my x hasnt seen me in over a week. We havent talked in person nor saw each other face to face since this happend. I dont know if that will change things, all our communication has been online. Or i ll leave her a msg on the machine. Its just the most retarded reason, she dosent even wanna work on it.

She said shes afraid that at some point im going to hit her. Im like wow.. wtf where did that come from. It was her birthday yesterday. Would flowers be out of line when i see her. I know what i did was wrong i take blame i went overboard threatening to punish her, she was also in the wrong. But to end our relationship after everything we have been through? Now she wants to go out party and bar it up. Its almost in spite and i have a feeling her friends are encouraging this behavior. They are single and miserable. Misery loves company, why would they wanna see there friend enjoy life and be happy with a guy. When they all hate guys and slut it up.

I dont think, i know i can fix this. I just dont know how yet. Dj's move on. I dont give up. If i want something bad enough. I ll get it. **** just got very blown out of proportion. Everday that goes by **** gets worse but from the start nothing has changed. Its just snowballing.

Uggg help. Worst oneits ive ever had. And ive torn through easily dozen's of relationships. Ive been trying to think positive. Subconsciously i know it bothers me a great deal. I woke up last night 2 times. In a cold sweat with dreams of her with other men, then coming back to me. And i wouldn't fuk her because i knew she slutted it up. And lost all face value.

Also when she comes over.... i dont know if i wanna do it in my house. Where i live, just that negative energy, watching her walk out the door. Feels like she would have the upper hand. Do it in a public place, meet her at a coffee shop or bookstore? Somewhere private yet public? She has alot of my clothes i did laundry at her house because i live in an apt complex. She left one thing of value here that i know she wants back. A $400 digital cam. Im thinking about keeping it if shes gonna **** me over like this. It could cause serious blood with her friends and her guy friends. But everyone would stand down.

I haven't shed one tear, she dosent deserve it. Also i never told her i love her but i knew she was dying for me to say it... But if i say it now.. it may seem pety and me grasping at straws. I need help... sorry so long this is tearing me apart.

Ok dude.... heres the deal.

Ive been in the exact same situation. Heres what you do.


Disappear.



Exactly. Dont call/msg/txt msg/email/page/hand signal her. At all. Act as if she does not exist. Eat you pain. Engulf it. Make it your lover/best friend. Learn to live with it. And then.... only then, it will get even harder. But one day you will wake up and look at the mirror and see what you've become. And then you will think "WTF is wrong with me?" And on this day, you will be a man. A real one.


Until then dont even think about getting her back. Because she wont take you back as you are right now. Annnddd... if she does not take you, there are a LOT of woman out there... most of them GREAT women! Is it fair to give your love to only one... and a one that does not love you back? No way...

Update:

Sigh... i did the DJ thing to get this one and in keeping up as the DJ ive lost her as well. So last night i scowered the earth for advice. I talked to all my friends (who were very supportive) i have never had oneits like this. Its beyond that.

I talked to the last X girlfriend before this one. She was helpful.

Then my X of 3 years ago. Who i had similar problems with gave me insight. I Ended up talking to her on the phone long distance for 2 hours. Pretty much the question was "How would i have gotten you back, what could i have done at the time 3 years ago to win you over. Then apply this to my current girlfriend." She was a loads of help on female thought and rejection.

So today i called up my X left a msg saying "This is you know who, and we need to do you know what. I know you have the night off before you make any plans get ahold of me because i want to sit down and talk and return ****".

I went got a dozen roses (only because i missed her birhtday and feel bad). Prob gonna get flamed for that. Oh well. Then i bought a fake one and slipped it in the dozen with a card. That said "I will love you until these flowers expire" Hence one of the roses was fake and it would never die. I never told her i loved her, its never too late. Its what she wanted to hear for too long.

I got all dressed, showered looked good as hell. She was online and i msged her to get clothes on. I wanted to meet her at this awsome park, with flowers in full bloom. Definatly an ideal location to walk and talk. Our relationship is workable she dosent think so.

She didnt return my call or my im. So i said **** it and went to her house... by the time i got there, she was gone. Dammit. So i called her up, got ahold of her. Wanted to meet up, she announced "She can't she just cant'." I wanna know what shes afraid of. I ditched the park idea and just said "Just meet me 5mins anywhere im in the area i have your $400 digi cam and clothes". She told me she dosent care, to keep the items and she will mail me my stuff.... WHAT IN THE HELL!! Before she wanted her stuff now she dosent. Everyday that goes by it just escalates. Its getting worse and this is NOTHING. She says it wont change anything. But she hasn't seen my face since this happend. She hasnt seen me officially for a lil over a week. It would change everything.

Seeing me, giving me a hug. Just my presence alone would bring her back. She knows this. This is why she refuses to see me. She said she has things to do today alot of things. But its freaking 8pm wtf nothings open. So i went to a buddies house for an hour then went back to her house... She still wasnt home, and she turned her phone off. UGggggg!!!

She is staying with her parents right now because shes moving to a new apt July. I was going to talk to her parents and leave the flowers with them. But im afraid they might toss them to avoid any further pain i could cause there daughter. This is beyond nuts. Im so tired i want closure. At this point i dont even care if i get back together with her. I just wanna talk say my peace and walk away. Thats it. Then she can do whatever she pleases work things out or become a raging ho she wants to be.


So another day goes by. She has tomorrow off. Im going to show up at her door tomorrow if i have to, give the dam flowers to her let her see me, and hopefully exchange some words and get my crap. Shes leaving behind a $400 cam, wtf. She told me no one has ever talked to her that way and she cant do it. Her friends have so poisioned her mind. Shes prob out with them now.

Im losing this one. After this i never wana get serious with another girl. I just dont have the drive anymore im going to become so selfish and bitter.

She's seeing someone else and can't face you. This IS the problem. It's happened to alot of us dude ..sux bigtime.

We know or sense this subconsciously, we have those cold sweats at night, we make an exerted effort to profess our love, and for what? She' screwed you over and is seeing someone else.

Man up if you can, cry if you want. It's painful as hell, probably worse than taking a knife in the gut. You will get over her.