The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[john1234]

Need advice! I broke no contact after 30days
She got me back to her flat, she was wearing a tight dress, hair was curly blond and smooth and she created the right condtions,I was weak , I fvucked it...What do I do 30days NC down the drain.

 

[BeTheChange]

Need advice! I broke no contact after 30days
She got me back to her flat, she was wearing a tight dress, hair was curly blond and smooth and she created the right condtions,I was weak , I fvucked it...What do I do 30days NC down the drain.

This is why I created a plan of action for exactly how I would respond in the event of her coming over to my place and trying to reconnect before the end of the 60 day challenge and I was (wrongly) criticised for it. They don't understand that you need an action plan because if you don't you will find yourself straight back on Day 1.

When I think about contacting her I just think about how far I've already come after only 9 days. This sh*t is an addiction. It's a drug that must be eliminated from your system. You need to get your mind right, before you are useful to anyone else, even her, if your hope is to one day reconcile.

From what I understand of your situation you did the dumping and you don't really like this woman all that much so following through with NC shouldn't be too difficult. Heads up and remember 30 is a big number, don't slip up again.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 9

Feeling good today. Seems as if yesterday was my "depression" day. My sister is going through a tough time and in order to console her I told her a few things about my struggles at uni and the years after as well as my more recent issues, which really put this whole situation into perspective. The reality is this breakup, albeit hurtful is NOTHING compared to some of the other issues I've had to face in life and conquered and it was strengthening to be reminded of that.

I feel like I responded to yesterday's sadness in the best way possible. Forced myself to go to salsa even though my mind was telling me all the reasons it would be better to just stay at home and curl up in a ball.

When I was there I was immediately reminded of why getting out there is the fastest way to heal. There were so many beautiful women there that made me instantly forget about my ex. And when you're dancing you come alive. It's impossible to ponder on the negatives when you're grabbing the hips of an attractive lady and trying to make sure you don't mess up the steps and look like a complete idiot! It's all in good fun and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Tonight I plan to go swimming and then hit the sauna and steam room - treat myself, before hitting another salsa class. I'm then going to head out with a couple of mates.

 

[BeTheChange]

Decided to plan the presents to myself once I hit Day 30 and then the big 60.

Day 30 - book long weekend in Spain for late August / September - $650 budget

Day 60 - buy a Rolex GMT Master II Pepsi or if unable to find / get a good price the Submariner date steel yellow gold

I have attached a bunch of other ambitious conditions for the Rolex so there is no guarantee I'll get the Rollie, but I have been putting it off for a while in the name of responsible saving. However I'm young and one can always make more money. Why not enjoy some of it now?

As a reminder to myself, here are the conditions

• You have either a new job or a pay rise / promotion confirmed
• You get c. $4,000 in respect of client S's business
• All other "surprise" (unplanned) revenue is SAVED

Beyond this there's honestly nothing I can think of that I really want or need.

Plus, there is an odd pleasure in the idea of my ex seeing me walking down the road with a watch like that and another hot chick by my side. Call it superficial. But to me a Rolex makes a statement that is worth the price you pay.

 

[Gaysha]

Day 33.

Ever since the break-up, I feel less worthy and like people generally don't like me. I believe that's the result of being dumped. It's really hard even though I go out with my friends and have fun but it seems like I don't enjoy it as I used to, and if I stay home I get very anxious and have lot of negative thoughts.
I know I am a good person, work hard, funny, good looking (mentally I KNOW but I don't FEEL like that).
I don't know what to do about it. Just take care of myself and wait til it goes away with time or precisely do something? What would that be?

 

[Asmodeus]

Day 33.

Ever since the break-up, I feel less worthy and like people generally don't like me. I believe that's the result of being dumped. It's really hard even though I go out with my friends and have fun but it seems like I don't enjoy it as I used to, and if I stay home I get very anxious and have lot of negative thoughts.
I know I am a good person, work hard, funny, good looking (mentally I KNOW but I don't FEEL like that).
I don't know what to do about it. Just take care of myself and wait til it goes away with time or precisely do something? What would that be?

Hmm... Loss of motivation, lethargy, sadness, slight bits of hopelessness...

This would be classified as mild acute depression, this one is a victim of her own thoughts. I have seen this before...
You must try to continue to make efforts to get out and have fun... Let me explain... If you do not, all you shall do is ruminate, be stuck inside your own head. You need to try to get out of that, get out the door and do something. Being stuck in isolation only tends to exacerbate cases of depression.... Do something, take a class, get involved in a volunteer organization, just find something that gives you purpose. The exhaustion of depression compounds upon itself... The less active you are and the more isolated you become from it the worse it shall become, to the point where even considering doing activities to distract yourself will be exhausting.

You have been forever locked in that comfort zone of being in a relationship... See, when you break up with a person you do not just lose them, but you lose your existence as a couple. Love is like a drug... You are in the withdraw stage of it, but it shall pass... It just takes time.

 

[Asmodeus]

Need advice! I broke no contact after 30days
She got me back to her flat, she was wearing a tight dress, hair was curly blond and smooth and she created the right condtions,I was weak , I fvucked it...What do I do 30days NC down the drain.

When you fall, pick yourself back up... Do not take it to hard on yourself that you fell, falling is a process of life. He who makes no mistakes never makes anything. Mistakes offer us a chance to learn and grow.

 

[Firestar786]

Be the change - keep posting bro. Love the way you write lol.

 

[BeTheChange]

Must admit that I told a lie. My ex is in fact German. I said she was French in order to protect my anonymity and in case she was stalking the forums as she's aware I post on SS.

She's in Germany now, but her family is in the North. Munich, where the recent terrorist attack is happening is in the South. Her brother is also a police officer in Hamburg (north) so I'm not sure how he'll be affected. I don't want to break NC but would it be damaging to my recovery if I asked a mutual acquaintance to check to see if everything was alright over there and if her and her family are safe?

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Must admit that I told a lie. My ex is in fact German. I said she was French in order to protect my anonymity and in case she was stalking the forums as she's aware I post on SS.

She's in Germany now, but her family is in the North. Munich, where the recent terrorist attack is happening is in the South. Her brother is also a police officer in Hamburg (north) so I'm not sure how he'll be affected. I don't want to break NC but would it be damaging to my recovery if I asked a mutual acquaintance to check to see if everything was alright over there and if her and her family are safe?

Dude, stop. You're looking for EVERY excuse to get back in touch. You even said you'd be willing to take her back after the 60 day "challenge" is up.

I feel you on the pain, but being in pain and breaking NC are very different things. It would be foolish. On the 0.00001% chance she was or knew a victim, you'll hear the name on the news.

 

[BeTheChange]

Dude, stop. You're looking for EVERY excuse to get back in touch. You even said you'd be willing to take her back after the 60 day "challenge" is up.

I feel you on the pain, but being in pain and breaking NC are very different things. It would be foolish. On the 0.00001% chance she was or knew a victim, you'll hear the name on the news.

Yeah I know. And I never said I would be willing to get back in touch after 60 days in the sense of being the one to reach out because I need to know that as a man I can survive without her. Only that I would be open to contact IF she continued to pursue me after this 60 day period - something I dont think is likely.

Anyway I took a shower, knocked one out and then realised it would have been a bad idea. Just a junkie gone cold turkey trying to justify seeing his dealer again. Onwards.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Only that I would be open to contact IF she continued to pursue me after this 60 day period - something I dont think is likely.

And this is akin to trying to find something to eat in the garbage can. She dumped you. Never talk to her again.

 

[BeTheChange]

And this is akin to trying to find something to eat in the garbage can. She dumped you. Never talk to her again.

I dumped her but still...semantics. Her behaviour gave me no choice.

 

[Firestar786]

What was her behaviour if you don't mind me asking ?

 

[BeTheChange]

What was her behaviour if you don't mind me asking ?

I'm not at a stage where I'm ready to contextualise it (was an assh*le bf) but here it is in all its glory:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index....-just-got-dumped.160056/page-476#post-2352706

 

[BigD80]

So I have been in a long distance relationship since 6 months, She lives in California, I am in Germany.
We met on tinder while we were both in Spain. The only reason she had installed it, she told me, to find a local to spend new years rve with. After that we were chatting and talking on the phone every day for hours until I first met her in early February.
When I met her I saw she still had tinder installed but I never said anything. After all it's her privacy and I trusted her.
I kept tinder on my phone but didn't use it until she started fighting me about some pictures of my ex that she found on my facebook. Ever since she starts fights every 2 or 3 days. I became very frustrated over this, plus I thought she will break up any time. So I started using tinder out of frustration/anxiety.
We kept making plans and met again in march. Then in April she visits me in Germany for 2 days.
Then a month later she comes to Germany for two weeks. One of the weeks we spent in Barcelona, were we met. She acted weird and finally told me that she had someone hacking into my phone and knows that I am using tinder. She gave me details about a match I had back in February. She had screenshots of the chat. I contacted this girl with the same line I contacted her in December. She only replied with : It goes.
I never replied until like 3 months later when I randomly wrote: and? Does it still go?
I never had any intentions to meet her neither did she. It was only out of boredom.
So my girlfriend found out everything and told me that she is apparently not enough for me and she can’t compete with all those girls.
She says she is just a replacement for this year and soon she will be nexted for one of my other girls. she says she would normally walk away just like she did with other guys in the past but she can't get away from me. She cried a lot. Supposedly she cries every day. She knew that I am on tinder since march (supposedly). I told her I was using it because I felt rejected by her constant fights over my ex.
I told her it was a way for me to distract myself from the fights with her. But here is the kicker....in april she sent me a screenshot of her phone desktop and I noticed the tinder icon (the one that appears when you receive a message, not the actual icon for the app) in the corner of her desktop.
It means she received a message but even when I saw this I didn't say anything. She said she kept it installed to keep our first chat when we first met. She also said, the differences that I actually initiated chats with women.
So anyway. In march i broke up with her at the airport after she stormed out of the hotel room. She sneaked into my phone and found an old picture of my ex that i had totally forgotten about. She called me back immediately while i was sitting in the plane. Connstatly crying and telling me she lives me.
So 4 days ago she confronted me about all the women in my blocked list on facebook. She sneaked into that too. Those were women i was chatting with before her. One of them was in January though and i told her.
We hung up and she messages me it's over. I said i am sorry that she feels that way and went into NC. She started calling about 15 hours later but i didn't pick up. Yesterday she texts me asking if i am ok because of the shooting in munich. I responded 15 hours later saying: "i am ok. After all munich is 300 miles away from me"
She responded immediately. And tried calling. For her it's 4 AM at this time.
She writes:
so, Daniel, I've called several times... I don't like to call you so this is a big deal to me. I just want to talk. I'm not upset and I'm not emotional... but I also haven't heard from you in 4 days now, so I take it that you've moved on or are busy swiping away. I'm not angry, I'm extremely hurt and had somethings I wanted to say."

I also noticed that she changed her profile picture on whatsapp to one of us in barcelona. She must have done this the past few hours ago. I really start to think this was a false alarm break up to generate some kind of reaction or to test me.

I am now considering to answer her next phone call. Would that be advisable? What do you guys think? Is it too early? What should i tell her?

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 10

Lots to keep me busy today and over the next week until I fly away to Italy at the end of this month. Even though I've taken annual leave now I'll be working on my side business until I travel.

Still feeling a little bit downhearted. Probably normal given I'm only ten days in. Can't pretend I don't miss her or want her to at least tell me she seen the light, will change and wants me back. It's an unrealistic expectation and the latter is probably an ego thing. Doesn't make it any easier to deal with though.

I can't really explain. It feels like a hole somewhere that can't be filled no matter how I try and distract myself.

 

[Gaysha]

Day 34.

So funny thing happened.
When I started the NC, I blocked her everywhere (dating site where we met, facebook, whatsapp). I also blocked her new girlfriend on that dating site which also has a forum (they put that they are in a relationship with each other).
Blocking her was a great move because it helps me heal faster. I have friends on that site, and one of them sent me a screenshot how my ex in a thread called "I want to tell you..." wrote "I can't believe that you are still blocking me."
Well, that was stupid because I can't see her posts but maybe she though how my friends will probably see it and show me. I just started laughing.
Go and enjoy your new relationship, honey. I still love you but I don't want you back.

 

[BeTheChange]

@Gaysha

Well done! Must be a great feeling!

 

[Asmodeus]

So I have been in a long distance relationship since 6 months, She lives in California, I am in Germany.
We met on tinder while we were both in Spain. The only reason she had installed it, she told me, to find a local to spend new years rve with. After that we were chatting and talking on the phone every day for hours until I first met her in early February.
When I met her I saw she still had tinder installed but I never said anything. After all it's her privacy and I trusted her.
I kept tinder on my phone but didn't use it until she started fighting me about some pictures of my ex that she found on my facebook. Ever since she starts fights every 2 or 3 days. I became very frustrated over this, plus I thought she will break up any time. So I started using tinder out of frustration/anxiety.
We kept making plans and met again in march. Then in April she visits me in Germany for 2 days.
Then a month later she comes to Germany for two weeks. One of the weeks we spent in Barcelona, were we met. She acted weird and finally told me that she had someone hacking into my phone and knows that I am using tinder. She gave me details about a match I had back in February. She had screenshots of the chat. I contacted this girl with the same line I contacted her in December. She only replied with : It goes.
I never replied until like 3 months later when I randomly wrote: and? Does it still go?
I never had any intentions to meet her neither did she. It was only out of boredom.
So my girlfriend found out everything and told me that she is apparently not enough for me and she can’t compete with all those girls.
She says she is just a replacement for this year and soon she will be nexted for one of my other girls. she says she would normally walk away just like she did with other guys in the past but she can't get away from me. She cried a lot. Supposedly she cries every day. She knew that I am on tinder since march (supposedly). I told her I was using it because I felt rejected by her constant fights over my ex.
I told her it was a way for me to distract myself from the fights with her. But here is the kicker....in april she sent me a screenshot of her phone desktop and I noticed the tinder icon (the one that appears when you receive a message, not the actual icon for the app) in the corner of her desktop.
It means she received a message but even when I saw this I didn't say anything. She said she kept it installed to keep our first chat when we first met. She also said, the differences that I actually initiated chats with women.
So anyway. In march i broke up with her at the airport after she stormed out of the hotel room. She sneaked into my phone and found an old picture of my ex that i had totally forgotten about. She called me back immediately while i was sitting in the plane. Connstatly crying and telling me she lives me.
So 4 days ago she confronted me about all the women in my blocked list on facebook. She sneaked into that too. Those were women i was chatting with before her. One of them was in January though and i told her.
We hung up and she messages me it's over. I said i am sorry that she feels that way and went into NC. She started calling about 15 hours later but i didn't pick up. Yesterday she texts me asking if i am ok because of the shooting in munich. I responded 15 hours later saying: "i am ok. After all munich is 300 miles away from me"
She responded immediately. And tried calling. For her it's 4 AM at this time.
She writes:
so, Daniel, I've called several times... I don't like to call you so this is a big deal to me. I just want to talk. I'm not upset and I'm not emotional... but I also haven't heard from you in 4 days now, so I take it that you've moved on or are busy swiping away. I'm not angry, I'm extremely hurt and had somethings I wanted to say."

I also noticed that she changed her profile picture on whatsapp to one of us in barcelona. She must have done this the past few hours ago. I really start to think this was a false alarm break up to generate some kind of reaction or to test me.

I am now considering to answer her next phone call. Would that be advisable? What do you guys think? Is it too early? What should i tell her?

What?
This girl hacks your phone, hacks your facebook, then hacks your phone again. Has a total fit about you using Tinder when she herself is using it. Has constant fighting with you over some senseless stuff...

Is this honestly the kind of relationship you want for yourself? I thought relationships are based on mutual trust and understanding...