Jokes

[backseatjuan]

Guide at a zoo: this is our crocodile, he is 5 meters from head to tail, and 7 meters from tail to head.
Man: oh my, but how is it possible?
Guide: it's our crocodile, we can measure it anyway we want to.


this is a political joke

 

[Rave18]

Funny threads

• 
  http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=210496

• 
  http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=213982

... No offence to anyone.

 

[Rave18]

Buy Laurel and Hardy films

For those interested > Laurel & Hardy films on DVD
/> Laurel & Hardy - The Collection

 

[Rave18]

Read here.

 

[Rave18]

20 Truly Eye-Catching and Hilarious Bar Signs [Photos]

 

[speed dawg]

Priest and a rabbi sitting on a park bench.
Little boy walks by.
Priest says, "Let's go f*ck him!".
Rabbi says, "Out of what?"

 

[Rave18]

Bill loved to write. He wrote articles, compositions, poems, anything he could think of he wrote. Although he tried desperately to have his hard work published he was never able to find anyone interested. It was after a year of not seeing one of his friends that he bumped into him at a supermarket.

“Harry am I glad to see you! Do you know that my readership doubled since I last saw you!?”

“Congratulations!” Said Harry barely glancing up from the meat he was examining, “nobody told me that you got married!”

 

[amazingswayze]

Knock knock!






who's there?






deez.







deez who?







deez nuts!

 

[Rave18]

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your *******?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your *******?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your *******?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go f*ck yourself, these are my chips."
-

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other. She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a bl*wjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too f*ckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"

 

[YawataNoKami]

Best joke ever:

Her: I am Strong,Smart And Independent ™

 

[Rave18]

(Overheard a random guy)

"I'm so sexy, I get turned on when I see myself in the mirror."

 

[Rave18]

A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”

 

[Rave18]

 

[RobertBelvin]

)) that is dinamite.

 

[Rave18]

Two men went to a prostitute.

First went in, came out and said, "Nah..my wife is better."

Second went in, came out and said, "You are right. Your wife is much better."

 

[Bible_Belt]

What will Caitlyn Jenner be getting for Christmas?



His & Hers gift sets

 

[Bible_Belt]

I just read a news story about a kid who died from falling into a wood chipper.

It was very sad, but I'm sure he's in a mulch better place now.

 

[Rave18]

LOL

 

[AndrewCohen]

Good one

A Lawyer had a Wife and 12 Children & needed to move as his Rental Agreement was coming to an end.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the Children Would Destroy the Home.

He could not say that he had no children, he could not Lie, after all lawyers cannot & are not expected to lie!

So, he had an idea, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children.

He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent.

He liked one of the homes and the agent asked…

How Many Children Do You Have & he answered -12 children.

The agent asked "Where are the others?

The Lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are at the Cemetery with their Mother.

And that's the way he was able to “Rent a home for His Family without Lying”

MORAL: It is not necessary to lie, per say – “One only has to put things in a different way”
-

Impractical Jokers > Enjoy

Ohh really awesome.

 

[Rave18]

An elderly woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there brushing some of the trail dust from her face and hair, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The gunslinger looked at the old woman and said, "Have you ever danced?"

The old woman replied, "Never did and never wanted to."

A crowd gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well old bag, you're gonna dance now," and proceeded to fire at the old woman's feet.

The old woman prospector, not wanting to get her feet shot off jumped at each shot. Everyone was laughing.

After the last round was fired, he holstered his weapon and went back into the saloon.

The old woman turned back to her pack mule and retrieved her double-barreled shotgun.

She went into the saloon and ****ed both hammers.

The click was heard throughout the saloon and the saloon got real quiet.

The young gunslinger heard the sound too, and turned around slowly, only to be staring down two large steel tubes.

The old woman said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mules behind?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No mam, but I always wanted to."