Dude you probably have hemmeroids i bet it hurts like all hell. Eat a ****load of fibre to get rid of the constipation (like lots of raw veggies and whole grains, this is good for you anyway). NO white bread. This should be how you eat anyway.
Go see a doctor right away! it sucks that you aren't in canada where seeing a doctor is free (well not when you think about your taxes) like i am, but lets face it, if you're on DJ forums than you probably want to get laid, and this is NOT going to help, (i beet it hurts to walk... talk about cramping your style) and if you do, you'll be the one bleeding? dont expect a second date.