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Why do I not find my wife attractive?

theironlion

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I think in part, that there is nowhere to lead to in the relationship. Also in part, I want her to change things that she is not willing to do.
Act and she will follow, women crave to be led
The trick is to not get frustrated if she doesn't do it as quickly as you would like, and wait
If you don't mind me asking, why did you marry a women that doesn't make you d*** hard?
 

Plinco

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Act and she will follow, women crave to be led
The trick is to not get frustrated if she doesn't do it as quickly as you would like, and wait
In order to lead somewhere, you have to have a place to go, otherwise you'll just go nowhere.

I'll put in another way, she doesn't get me excited enough to want to do anything with her; when she's around, it kills my mood. In order for her to be sexually attractive, she would have to be someone who is completely not her.
 

theironlion

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In order to lead somewhere, you have to have a place to go, otherwise you'll just go nowhere.

I'll put in another way, she doesn't get me excited enough to want to do anything with her; when she's around, it kills my mood. In order for her to be sexually attractive, she would have to be someone who is completely not her.
Alright you didn't get it yet, don't wait for her, don't go with her, do what you like and she will follow, women follow strong assertive men, to the bottom of the devils ass if need to be.

I think you're looking for external validation to dump her, it's ok dude, not all relationships are meant to last, if you don't see any future with this woman, stop wasting your time with her and get one that make your d*** hard
 

DonJuanjr

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I think you're looking for external validation to dump her, it's ok dude, not all relationships are meant to last, if you don't see any future with this woman, stop wasting your time with her and get one that make your d*** hard
This^^^. File for divorce. No point in trying to salvage the marriage.
 

Plinco

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Alright you didn't get it yet, don't wait for her, don't go with her, do what you like and she will follow, women follow strong assertive men, to the bottom of the devils ass if need to be.

I think you're looking for external validation to dump her, it's ok dude, not all relationships are meant to last, if you don't see any future with this woman, stop wasting your time with her and get one that make your d*** hard
I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my problem. I'm getting the impression that you think that I don't 'lead' in a relationship. What makes you think I don't lead?
 

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mrgoodstuff

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I have not divorced her as of yet. I have a responsibility to make it work the relationship work, however in my experience tolerance is often a fools errand. She senses where things are going and she is been having stress related inflammation. She’s doing everything she can to keep the relationship going, I just don’t find her sexually appealing.
"Stress related inflammation" - you understand.... That is real. Stress also slows down a certain mindsets metabolism. Causes them to hold water and like you said, stress causes inflammation ontop of it. So it makes them feel like crap.


After thinking about it, I think the root of the problem is the commitment came before sex. For me, the sex defiantly has to come before the commitment. I think arranged marriages can only work if both partners are virgins. It’s like a wolf after getting a taste of fresh meat, it doesn’t want dog food anymore.
Intimacy is important if it's important to you. If it's important to the way you live, you have to make it a priority when choosing a relationship partner.

‘Plain Janes’ are just that because they don’t elicit sexual attention. A plain Jane to me might not be for you. I call my wife a plain Jane because there is no sexual tension between us.
Plane janes might not elicit desire. However slvts are known to have offsetting personality types. They can be very disrespectful and very abrasive. Many hardened slvts will literally "get on your nerves" with their actions.

Another reason why I have not divorced with her yet is because I have some scarcity mindset; where am I going to find a woman who is a virgin, will cook and clean, and doesn’t argue with me. I think to myself, “if I could only start finding her sexually attractive, I’ve got it made.” When I go out somewhere and look at women, I see arrogance, jadedness, and ugliness. She’s better looking than most women (not always according to me though), she’s a virgin, and relatively humble. Sexually to me however, she’s repulsive, again because I think she represents a whole lot of responsibilities and no fun, commitment without sex.
You would find another "virgin" in a culture which values virginity. Here in modern day Babylon, good luck.,

In your current wife, you said her body is not too fat or anything, it's just for whatever reason she doesn't cause desire. Why not allow her to take on a "lover" to learn about sexuality. Sex and being desired will start to fill a part of her ego, which will make her look more sexually attractive to people. As long as that part is starved, she will will look more plain to most.

Also, I've known her for years, and I've developed platonic feelings for her. Having platonic emotions for a woman is very unhealthy for a man. Breaking off the relationship is not going to be easy to do for both of us.
It's unhealthy for a man, it's also unhealthy for a woman. It's unhealthy for her to bask in that lack of desire attention that you have for her, just like it's unhealthy for a man to be starved of reasonable affection.
 

Zimbabwe

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I have not divorced her as of yet. I have a responsibility to make it work the relationship work, however in my experience tolerance is often a fools errand. She senses where things are going and she is been having stress related inflammation. She’s doing everything she can to keep the relationship going, I just don’t find her sexually appealing.

After thinking about it, I think the root of the problem is the commitment came before sex. For me, the sex defiantly has to come before the commitment. I think arranged marriages can only work if both partners are virgins. It’s like a wolf after getting a taste of fresh meat, it doesn’t want dog food anymore.

‘Plain Janes’ are just that because they don’t elicit sexual attention. A plain Jane to me might not be for you. I call my wife a plain Jane because there is no sexual tension between us.

Another reason why I have not divorced with her yet is because I have some scarcity mindset; where am I going to find a woman who is a virgin, will cook and clean, and doesn’t argue with me. I think to myself, “if I could only start finding her sexually attractive, I’ve got it made.” When I go out somewhere and look at women, I see arrogance, jadedness, and ugliness. She’s better looking than most women (not always according to me though), she’s a virgin, and relatively humble. Sexually to me however, she’s repulsive, again because I think she represents a whole lot of responsibilities and no fun, commitment without sex.

Also, I've known her for years, and I've developed platonic feelings for her. Having platonic emotions for a woman is very unhealthy for a man. Breaking off the relationship is not going to be easy to do for both of us.
You mentioned that she makes things awkward when you try to initiate sex? Is she a fridget by any chance?

From your words this woman seems more like a roommate instead of an actual wife.

Just drink some Rum, turn off the lights and have sex with your wife.
 
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Plinco

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catsmeow

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I am curious why you married her?
  • She is socially awkward and has body image issues, the girls I was with before didn’t have that problem.
  • The relationship makes demands from me that I view as aggressive toward me, such as getting emotionally involved, to slow down, giving into demands that are not a part of my goals. She is emotionally involved because she cares more about me, which I am not used to.
  • She is boring when she talks to me. Probably because she sits at home all day, and has few friends.
  • During attempted sex, she does not feel aroused enough by my actions. Probably because I don’t act in a way that I find her attractive.
Did these issues not appear until after marriage?
 

SW15

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  • She is socially awkward and has body image issues, the girls I was with before didn’t have that problem.
  • The relationship makes demands from me that I view as aggressive toward me, such as getting emotionally involved, to slow down, giving into demands that are not a part of my goals. She is emotionally involved because she cares more about me, which I am not used to.
  • She is boring when she talks to me. Probably because she sits at home all day, and has few friends.
  • During attempted sex, she does not feel aroused enough by my actions. Probably because I don’t act in a way that I find her attractive.
Did these issues not appear until after marriage?
One would think most of these issues would have been apparent prior to marriage.
 

catsmeow

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One would think most of these issues would have been apparent prior to marriage.
Yeah, one would think.... hence the question, why did he marry her?
It wasn't an arranged marriage from what he posted, so then WHY?
 

DonJuanjr

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I don't follow. I mean I know what scarcity mindset is, but how would that apply here?

What am I missing?:oops:
I'm not a mind reader, but I'd guess that he figured, "she's a virgin, that's hot, and I'm not going to get another chance to get a low notch count girl that's at this looks caliber, so I might as well lock her down."
 

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catsmeow

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I'm not a mind reader, but I'd guess that he figured, "she's a virgin, that's hot, and I'm not going to get another chance to get a low notch count girl that's at this looks caliber, so I might as well lock her down."
Ahh I see, okay that makes sense!
 

Plinco

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One would think most of these issues would have been apparent prior to marriage.
It did not appear beforehand because it was a long distance relationship. Long distance relationships are usually another no no.

It's not simping that got me into this trouble, it was pure stupidity, believe me. Usually I'm not the one to believe in arbitrary moral standards, but I feel like I'm obligated to make it work out, probably due to my civilized temperament (probably due to my strong mommy figure growing up as a child). Another characteristic of my cognition is to see potential and possibilities everywhere, so I think that there's always the possibility that she could work out for me, if I can only change my thinking orientation or something. It's like nice guy syndrome had a baby with jerk syndrome, it would give this defect that I am witnessing.

Scarcity mindset.
That was a big part of it, yes

I'm not a mind reader, but I'd guess that he figured, "she's a virgin, that's hot, and I'm not going to get another chance to get a low notch count girl that's at this looks caliber, so I might as well lock her down."
Right on the money buddy!
 
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metalwater

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maybe you're a master.

you have the girl doing everything and anything for you and you even have us trying to help. haha.

--
seriously; still assuming this is authentic. you have been trying for some time as is she. I would guess that you are sort of doing the same things over and over. because you are you and she is who she is. she IS attracted to you because she stays and tries. perhaps she even sees you in better ways than you know of yourself.

there is more than one way to solve most things. so far no success with the red pill animal attraction methods. yet your sense of honor and responsibility is telling you to figure it out.

try to take a different approach, the front door lust and desire aren't working and the red pill teaches us that it can not be negotiated (even with ourselves). suggest you take a shot at building a "spiritual" connection with her and from that perhaps new senses appear for you that include her and will result in another access route to desire. it can be done. I think a couple of the men in the forum can suggest ways, and I could suggest some also. it's not really a red pill, but could be very rewarding.
 

SW15

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It did not appear beforehand because it was a long distance relationship. Long distance relationships are usually another no no.
It is easy to miss details in long distance relationships. I have always had a no long distance relationships policy. I am strict about distance even within the large metros areas where I have lived. I don't like girlfriends to live more than 10-12 miles from where I live.
 

Ricky

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This is an interesting thread and i had to skim it but plan to read through it all at some point.

My friend Ryan lost interest in his wife. Ryan had slept with many women (>100) before marriage. He got divorced recently.
I was surprised to learn just how infrequently he slept with her the last 7 years of his marriage.
 
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