When Your Wife Lies to You...

[zekko]

How would you approach this situation?

I'd forget the ring tattoo and forget about her getting rid of her Instagram. She didn't fulfill her part of the deal, and the tattoo would be more permanent. In any case, both parts are issues of mistrust that goes deeper than not wearing a ring or having an Instagram. The question would be why is that? Maybe that's what is needed to be worked on.

 

[Millard Fillmore]

Due to work environment and time in the gym, it's not very reasonable for me to wear a ring. This has been a problem in my wife's eyes for years

Curious if she wears one? Maybe you mention it later in the thread. Wondering why it's a problem for her.

Perhaps I'm off track here, but IME partners who cast aspersions on fidelity are often trying to misdirect.

How would you approach this situation?

I wouldn't be issuing demands. If someone's gonna cheat, she's gonna cheat. I prefer to be quietly vigilant and if there's bad behavior, keep track and make a decision. Doesn't mean play detective, just pay attention. The lying is not a good sign as she doesn't respect you. As others say she has to fear losing you.

 

[Learning Curve]

Due to work environment and time in the gym, it's not very reasonable for me to wear a ring. This has been a problem in my wife's eyes for years, so I made a proposition: I'll get a ring tattoo (my idea) but she needs to delete her instagram, change her last name, and cut contact with someone I know was on her backup roster (she never admitted this, but WYK,YK).

She's working on the name change (takes a long time in the states), has cut contact with backup (to my knowledge, which I don't quite trust anymore), and said she needed 1 month to transfer stuff off her instagram for our daughter's school (credible reason and I allowed it). I already have the ring tattoo.

It's been about 4 months now and I had a suspicion and checked... it shows her last login was yesterday. Verizon data usage shows 3gb usage monthly since I told her to delete it. I didn't bother following up on this because I thought I could trust her. I was wrong.

I want to ask for her phone, check her IG messages, download her activity usage, and send it to my phone. I'm very seriously considering divorce at this time. She lied to me, has continued to lie to me, and I don't think I can trust her.

How would you approach this situation?

Lets try to come up with more nuanced responses than "just leave her", please and thank you.

To be honest mate, I don't agree with the ring tattoo.

If she had a problem that you had to remove it when you were only at the gym this is her insecurities speaking. Let her deal with it.

Now to your current situation.

I usually never ask women to show me anything regarding social media unless i start to see the woman coming late at home generally changing behavior and patterns and if the s3x gets decreased. I find it insecure and needy.

Why? Because eventually i find out if she is f3ucking somebody else. I don't need social media.

In any case.

Ask her to show you her IG. Right there on the spot, no time for her to delete anything.

Check it and see if she is speaking to the guy. If she does look at the conversation.

Straight away ask her one simple question:

Why are you still talking to the guy when you told me you would cut it off?

If the chat was sexual, and she was planing to go out with him, or to his place or if they even met before and you never knew.

Time to eject.

As hard as it is and this would probably be the last resolution.

If she spoke to the guy but never met him and she is sexual in the conversations again this is a huge red flag. I would personally leave the house and giver her a tough lesson. No contact for a month.

"I need space, have a good life" disappear. No more words. Nada.

Let her hamster spin so hard she would rather commit suicide then do that again.

 

[manfrombelow]

Due to work environment and time in the gym, it's not very reasonable for me to wear a ring. This has been a problem in my wife's eyes for years, so I made a proposition: I'll get a ring tattoo (my idea) but she needs to delete her instagram, change her last name, and cut contact with someone I know was on her backup roster (she never admitted this, but WYK,YK).

The moment you have to demand your gf/wife/whatever to do X and not do X, you have already lost.

You'll learn this hard way, soon.

 

[stringpuller]

Okay so time to update.

MM: do you have anything you want me to know?
Wife(W): I dont know what you're getting at.
MM: Have you deleted your Instagram?
W: (looking semi-caught) No.
MM: When is the last time you logged in?
W: Earlier today.
MM: What were you on there for?
W: I needed school resources (our daughter is homeschooled by her) and found one or two things that I could use for the gym.
MM: How often are you going on IG?
W: not very much, but when I need things for T's(daughter's) school.
MM: Why did you not delete your IG when I asked you to? You said it would take a month to transfer information and it's been 4.
W: I needed more information for this year.
MM: And you didn't think telling me that up front would land better than me finding out on my own..?

(insert argument here)

W: (in tears) Did you come home to find reasons to divorce me?
MM: No. I came home with hopes you were going to give me reasons to stay.
W: (with more tears) Are you seeing/looking for anyone else?
MM: No, but it would be nice. The way you're handling these things makes me want to.
W: (not as many tears) IDK how to make you want to stay. You only tell me I'm pretty when I'm blowing you or we're f*cking.
MM: ...
MM: It's when you look prettiest. I need to be able to trust you.
W: Do you want me to delete my IG?
MM: Do what you want with it. I don't care about your IG, I care that you didn't follow through on your promise and left me to find out on my own. (true)
W: ...
MM: ...
MM: *walks into office to do school*

(15 minutes go by)

W: *comes in and kisses me on the forehead before taking our daughter to gymnastics* (she rarely does this).
W: Goodbye.
MM: Bye.

We'll see what happens when they get back in like 5 hours.

I used to have these convos. Not anymore. These conversations don't work.
You are a logical man trying to negotiate with an action based female.
She just proved to you that her words mean little.
Here we are SS back to the very basics. Actions. Always actions.
OP marriage counseling is just the funeral. Take control of your own life and I would really suggest stop pedastalizing this woman.
The fear of losing her to Dr. Goodlove is going make you crazy.
It may work out but your trajectory is not good. If I were you I would take action now and prepare.
California will roast you. Maybe move? More divorce friendly state?

 

[stringpuller]

Dude, stop reading red pill bullsh1t and enjoy your marriage and children

Thats a little disappointing coming fro. You. Hope its sarcasm.
I would say OP needs to use his RP toolbox a bit better. He hasnt solidified the fundamentals yet.
If anything hes got to get back to the wood shed.

 

[stringpuller]

The moment you have to demand your gf/wife/whatever to do X and not do X, you have already lost.

You'll learn this hard way, soon.

Correct.
Stop arguing with your girl. She doesnt hear it. What she sees is an emotional child because THATS what she knows she is. Bratty little girls doing bratty little things.
There are other ways to get what you want.
Less is more with these bytches.

 

[stringpuller]

marriage going (for the sake of the kids or whatever)

This is not a good reason to stay married. Your kids will pick up on this.
If I were you I would put a bandaid on this. Start a new life in another state and then divorce.
Im pretty sure in Cali you have alimony for life right? I may be wrong.

In the mean time OP I would seriously STFU and stop arguing with her.

There is a subreddit called Married/redpill. Read the side bar and I would get to class starting today.
And dont kill yourself over some woman. You are worth more then this.

 

[Bigpapa]

Thats a little disappointing coming fro. You. Hope its sarcasm.
I would say OP needs to use his RP toolbox a bit better. He hasnt solidified the fundamentals yet.
If anything hes got to get back to the wood shed.

It is better not to use something if you do not understand it, otherwise you will end up doing extremely dumb things

Experience is key and red pill should be used as a way to understand something but also more importantly to test different things in order to get the best output

Red pill should not be dogmatic, it should be empirical

My problem with red pill is that most guys are dogmatic and have no clue about what they talk about in the vast majority of time. They even try to simplify things like if the world is black
Or white

As an example, it is much easier to say that women like chads or whatever ( and that is why you are not successful ), instead of putting the effort to emulate as much as possible someone that is perceived as a chad. That is the thing with men, they become better by resolving problems

You know, a lot of the attractiveness can come from little body fat ( as long as you do not look too skinny ). Yet, how many guys from those who go with the chad theory are there?

 

[stringpuller]

It is better not to use something if you do not understand it, otherwise you will end up doing extremely dumb things

Lol children with dynamite.

 

[Murk]

Getting a ring tattoo to placate your wife's insecurities is WILD. You lost right there, and I can't help but think you regret that move, which makes her not deleting IG (her end of the bargain) a big deal for you. That's understandable. She doesn't NEED IG for school stuff, the internet is there, reddit, youtube, google, chatgpt, twitter. School excuse is BS but she probably just wants to scroll aimlessly, check in on friends, kill time etc rather than cheat, but who really knows.

What possessed you to get a ring tattoo in the first place, I'm just imagining a solid band of faded blue/green ink, gross. If I had done that, I'd be ready to flip too. Maybe get her to tattoo your name on her. She's basically got you branded like a mule already.

I'm reading pent-up frustration/aggression in your posts, finding out yourself that she lied is a big red flag I agree with you there. You don't seem to like her much as a person though.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Just cheat on her like you were bragging about in prior topic . This topic is not a surprise to me at all. You are over here talking all of this mad shvt with a wife running it up in the streets at the same time. Sucks to suck op, but you do not have my sympathy. I would suggest going to therapy for yourself first.

 

[SW15]

I've read through the entirety of the thread. The relationship between @Money & Muscle and his wife is not salvageable in any way. There are too many issues of mistrust.

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7: It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb.

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7 applies here.

Contact a divorce lawyer today.

 

[All_Kindz_Of_Gainz]

I've read through the entirety of the thread. The relationship between @Money & Muscle and his wife is not salvageable in any way. There are too many issues of mistrust.

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7: It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb.

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7 applies here.

Contact a divorce lawyer today.

How do you know that just by reading the thread? Like Rollo says: It is easy to say "just next her dude", when you don't have children with her, or a mortgage, or a 401k or a bunch of $hit to lose. To his knowledge she hasn't cheated on him, she doesn't disrespect him, she has sex with him whenever he wants, she even said he only calls her pretty when they're fvcking which is a comfort test.

I think his mistake was to try to calm her anxiety by getting a ring tattoo then negotiating it by demanding her to do all of that, it was a sudden frame grab, which can be good or bad, like Rian Stone says, own the frame you have, not the one you want.

If it were me I wouldn't divorce her, while is true she lied about it, I would keep my eyes open, and will definitely change my behavior towards her. He's 29, and he transformed himself, do you think he will lose time if he sticks out a couple of months to watch her behavior closely? Of course not. The divorce advise is retarded.

 

[Money & Muscle]

Alright so this turned into a main event.
To clarify all above comments, THERE WAS 0 EVIDENCE OF CHEATING.

She was ugly crying and blowing snot bubbles. Going from guilt, shame, ego, injured, blah blah. I'd been up for 18 hours at this point so my brain capacity was subpar, to say the least.

After her accusing me of not wanting to be married(partial truth), I told her "My life is going to keep being awesome, and I would prefer if you were in it. But having a wife that overspends constantly, lies to me, is argumentative over small stuff, and isn't living up to her potential - is not awesome. You aren't being the best version of yourself and that's what I want to see from you. My life will be awesome, with or without you; if you want to be a part of it, then I need to see you living up to your potential and being the best version of you."

She cried for a while afterwards. I gave her a kiss on the head, told her I was going to sleep and that she could lean on me while I slept if she wanted. She did.

This morning, she was very different to me. She got up, made coffee, started cleaning and had a much more feminine/submissive demeanor towards me. I guess we'll see if that was acting or real.


To those of you who've said that I haven't solidified the fundamentals, you are correct. When most guys run their MAP, the first 6 months are them just starting to get in shape. Well I'm barely 3 months into my map and I'm in very good shape... my progress and feedback have been very difficult to gauge as a result. I'm also terrible at objectively looking at myself and my progress. I can do this in spades everywhere else in life, just not for myself.

Anyways, I will continue to solidify these fundamentals and I will keep running my MAP.
I can say that my oneitis for my wife is gone. She owns no pedestal.

Thank you to everyone whose commented.

 

[SpartanWarrior77]

It sounds like OP started from a tough angle (bluepill) so now he's playing catch up. I wouldn't throw away a relationship just because it doesn't fit into the current redpill theory. People have always had these issues in the past and before the redpill, they were not typically blown out of proportion, u argued, u delt with shi1t, and u moved on. You're married bro, u guys got years together, ur gonna throw it away over her checking her insta? Would be different if she was ur GF and she kept this up after a few months but now you've got a lot more to lose.

Marriage is about commitment. OP, even the top red pill dudes have cracks in their frames at times, I know I did when I was in a relationship for a few years. Try to love her past her flaws and keep your value up. If u suspect her doing this again, come up with a consequence but u dont have to threaten divorce. Does anyone here have any ideas for punishments or consequences that don't involve sinking the ship? I used to spank my ex when she would be late to a meeting with me.

 

[SpartanWarrior77]

Alright so this turned into a main event.
To clarify all above comments, THERE WAS 0 EVIDENCE OF CHEATING.

She was ugly crying and blowing snot bubbles. Going from guilt, shame, ego, injured, blah blah. I'd been up for 18 hours at this point so my brain capacity was subpar, to say the least.

After her accusing me of not wanting to be married(partial truth), I told her "My life is going to keep being awesome, and I would prefer if you were in it. But having a wife that overspends constantly, lies to me, is argumentative over small stuff, and isn't living up to her potential - is not awesome. You aren't being the best version of yourself and that's what I want to see from you. My life will be awesome, with or without you; if you want to be a part of it, then I need to see you living up to your potential and being the best version of you."

She cried for a while afterwards. I gave her a kiss on the head, told her I was going to sleep and that she could lean on me while I slept if she wanted. She did.

This morning, she was very different to me. She got up, made coffee, started cleaning and had a much more feminine/submissive demeanor towards me. I guess we'll see if that was acting or real.


To those of you who've said that I haven't solidified the fundamentals, you are correct. When most guys run their MAP, the first 6 months are them just starting to get in shape. Well I'm barely 3 months into my map and I'm in very good shape... my progress and feedback have been very difficult to gauge as a result. I'm also terrible at objectively looking at myself and my progress. I can do this in spades everywhere else in life, just not for myself.

Anyways, I will continue to solidify these fundamentals and I will keep running my MAP.
I can say that my oneitis for my wife is gone. She owns no pedestal.

Thank you to everyone whose commented.

Love how u handled that OP. Keep up the good work. Sounds like you're leading her right there.

 

[Money & Muscle]

Guys, cool it with the presumptions, jeez.

I'm not going to off myself over a divorce that I would end up initiating.
I'm not in my wife's frame.
My life is awesome and it will continue to be awesome with or without her in it.

If she wants to leave, she's welcome to. I've told her as much.

 

[SW15]

If she wants to leave, she's welcome to. I've told her as much.

Women have no issues leaving husbands. They are encouraged by feminism to do so.

 

[Money & Muscle]

Women have no issues leaving husbands. They are encouraged by feminism to do so.

If she had no issues leaving, why was she groveling to stay? (Rhetorical)

You remember how I prefaced that comment with " cool it with the presumptions"? Your comment here is exactly why.