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Want to upgrade to something serious

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FlexpertHamilton

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Called up a close friend of mine at 1am, super sharp dude and knows women better than anyone. He revealed to me what's going on.

Might repeat a few of the things I wrote already. Yes, this is long, I'm not forcing anyone to read it.

What I said in the OP might not really be relevant anymore. I don't think my whole "lets see other people" from the start has anything to do with anything, because it was only brought up once and certainly never laid out as a rule or expectation.

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So as I said earlier, 3 weeks ago this girl cancels our normal Sat hangout to go visit her "friend" at the beach. When we hung out on on Sunday, she told me she stayed the night and that it was a girl (all of this info was mentioned by her in bits and pieces over the course of the weekend not all at once). At the time, I assumed it was dude, and genuinely didn't care too much. I had sex with 2 other women myself that week.

Looking back now, ever since that point, her behavior has changed for the worse. Most individual "infractions" seemed trivial on their own, but after remembering all of them, it's alarming.

A few days after that sleepover with her alledged female friend - her "friend" started giving her adderall which she had talked about wanting after getting diagnosed with ADD. She later stated this was the same friend as before.

First thing I noticed: Her texts started becoming less enthusiastic. Response time didn't change, but didn't seem to want to convey any effort. For instance: Asked her to hangout, she replies with "yes". Tell her I reserved a ****in hotel for a trip? Her response "great". More texts like that point on.

Weekday night: I called her around 8 on a weekday night asking to hangout to which she said she was with her going out with her "friend". Next thing she sends me a photo of something in her home.

Weekend: she laughed when I orgasmed rather early (in an almost psychotic sounding laugh).

Next weekday night: I ask her to hangout and she says "Yes" then "I'm free after x time"). When she showed up, later than I expected, the night itself was also off. She edged away from me to the other side of the bed and either didn't cuddle once or only did very briefly when we were done. Later, she laughed in the same psychotic way, for misunderstanding something she was trying to say. At the end of the night she left at only 11pm not long after we banged, and didn't even seem to want to kiss goodnight (didn't try, she left too hastily).

Last weekend (big story ahead): At this point I was seriously convinced something was up, but because it was so sudden I couldn't seem to grasp why. I say I'm going to play tennis w/ friends and come over after. I let her know when I start, around 1pm, and then text her around 2:30pm saying I'll be like 10 min. I showup around 2:50. Buzz twice, nothing. Wait a few minutes, then call her, no response. Then she texts me "Sorry I was in the shower" "Are you here" and buzzes me in a min later. I come up, she keeps showering. Then she spends probably 30, maybe 40 min in the bathroom, mostly drying her hair from what I could hear, going into her room, and generally dawdling around. At one point she literally claimed she "forgot I was here".

Finally I have her sit down by me and I mention I don't really feel the need to see other women and I'd like her not to see anyone else (yes I know that was a mistake but at that point it was moot). She didn't have much to say, but she tacitly agreed, and said she isn't seeing anyone. Without pressing at all, she said she went on dates for a while at first, and was seeing a guy alongside me but cut things out with him 3 weeks ago (this same guy who she mentioned twice for being too meek in bed).

I see some of her clothes lying out to dry, including a french maid outfit I told her to buy a couple months back. She mentioned something about her bed only having 1 pillow in the room, and when I ask why she says it was because her "friend" stayed the night. Of course, slips it in that it's a girl. At one point, when talking about her "friend", she may have even said "he said" and quickly corrected to she, but I may have imagined it

In my head I'm thinking...why would she even tell me all this unless she was being sincere? What would be gained from pretending a girl slept over, especially when she didn't even need to tell me that someone was over to begin with? If she wanted to hide something, wouldn't she just say she had a quiet night in?

The rest night went well, had probably some of the best sex we've had yet, somehow. Seemed affectionate again. Though the physical contact did scale back again later in the night.

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You might be wondering how I didn't notice these signs. Thing is, the first ~10 weeks were great. No issues, period. She chased, and constantly complimented me and always mentioned how horny I made her. Probably the best sex I've ever had. Even had good conversation, seemingly real and authentic conversation that you don't often come across. We planned out all sorts of trips. She invited me to a wedding in England, and to visit her home country in Europe. I felt a genuine, strong connection with her, which is rare. I felt like I could trust her - she left her phone out right in front of me site long periods of time, and even gave me her phone password and would let me use her phone for GPS or something. Again I'm thinking to myself - how could anyone be untrustworthy be so transparent? Clearly she had nothing to hide, right? (no, I didn't snoop).

Anyway, now, I'm going to call her and tell her to come over today after work. I'm going to lay it out and say that I feel like something is wrong, and first say "is there anything you want to tell me?" I will not judge you. If she says nothing, I won't start accusing, but instead say something like "I know something is wrong. If you do not tell me that means you do not respect me, and this relationship cannot continue."

Honestly at this point I want resolution more than anything. The issue is not losing her. I will get over it. The issue is the deception, and what I have to assume is monkey branching in the works. If she had actually told me she was ****ing another guy still, I could deal with it, though her recent offputting behavior is actually a bigger issue than the guy. Either way, it doesn't bode well so I might as well end it on my terms.

My friend suggested I tell her something honest in order to make her more likely to want to reciprocate honesty back herself, so maybe that will work. Anyone have suggestions for how to actually attempt some resolution? I am strongly tempted to just ghost like I always do, but just for once, I'd prefer to see if I can get her to explain herself. This was already a big learning experience for me.



In the mean time I may invite my side chick to the non refundable trip I booked...

Oh and by the way...first few nights I sleptover at her place I had nightmares that she was in actuality a total psychotic ****. I guess the unconscious really does know best.



tl;dr palpable gut feeling from her ****ty behavior and going to break it off. Trust your gut.
 
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catsmeow

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My first thought when reading your last post was that she IS "seeing" someone else, but it's not a man, it's her female friend. :oops:

Not that it should matter, you're banging others and considering planning a trip with your side chick.

No judgment, I'm just confused about what the issue is.

You were never in an exclusive relationship, so not getting how she could be monkey branching, there was/is no exclusive relationship to monkey branch from, since you were only casually dating and banging others.

You're making this intense when it doesn't need to be imo. Why not continue as is?

I mean, you're having great sex, you are free to bang others, you've got another chick you're into and want to take a trip with.

Again, I'm confused about what the issue or deception is, but agree if you are serious about wanting to upgrade, you should talk, lay your cards out honestly and sincerely, she should do same. Let chips fall where they may.
 
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FlexpertHamilton

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My first thought when reading your last post was that she IS "seeing" someone else, but it's not a man, it's her female friend. :oops:

Not that it should matter, you're banging others and considering planning a trip with your side chick.

No judgment, I'm just confused about what the issue is.

You were never in an exclusive relationship, so not getting how she could be monkey branching, there was/is no exclusive relationship to monkey branch from, since you were only casually dating and banging others.

You're making this intense when it doesn't need to be imo. Why not continue as is?

I mean, you're having great sex, you are free to bang others, you've got another chick you're into and want to take a trip with.

Again, I'm confused about what the issue or deception is, but agree if you are serious about wanting to upgrade, you should talk, lay your cards out honestly and sincerely, she should do same. Let chips fall where they may.
The issue is simple actually, her recent behaviors alone (going hot to cold, disrespect) are instantly suspect and may even warrant walking away on their own. Also since this behavior started shortly after that first initial visit, it's not exactly hard to put the pieces together. Honestly the more I think about it, how many women have not 1 but TWO sleepovers with their female friend in the span of 3 weeks (and who suddenly supplies them with Adderall)

Yes, we weren't exclusive, but the disrespect, games, and possible deceit are simply not something I can tolerate even if I demoted/backpedaled to something more casual. If she had said that she was with a guy, I genuinely would not care much, as long as her behavior did not change in the way it did. I was genuinely ready to let go of the other women, but now I'm doing the opposite until proven otherwise.

I admit I definitely ****ed up by a) telling her I wanted exclusivity and b) not dealing with her attitude change.

I am definitely making it intense because my gut is telling me something is wrong. Men have an innate ability to detect when something is fishy in a woman's behavior.
 
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RBK

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I know in this modern world everyone talks about "communication" and "talking" in a relationship or budding relationship. IMHO every time I've been to "Verbal" I have lost some of my frame and some of the power balance to the women in the interaction. Saying less then needed and meaning more with the select few words you do choose to speak is a greatly superior strategy.
Agree with this 1000%. Everytime I brought feelings up everything went to ****. Do not do this. You think logical explanation works with women, IT DOES NOT. THEY DO NOT OPERATE THIS WAY.

Edit. Read you already did it, told you. Lesson learned.

I'd demote this one to plate status with bringing back the cuddling and all the boyfriend **** since she's all over the map.
 
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LARaiders85

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The issue is simple actually, her recent behaviors alone (going hot to cold, disrespect) are instantly suspect and may even warrant walking away on their own. Also since this behavior started shortly after that first initial visit, it's not exactly hard to put the pieces together. Honestly the more I think about it, how many women have not 1 but TWO sleepovers with their female friend in the span of 3 weeks (and who suddenly supplies them with Adderall)

Yes, we weren't exclusive, but the disrespect, games, and possible deceit are simply not something I can tolerate even if I demoted/backpedaled to something more casual. If she had said that she was with a guy, I genuinely would not care much, as long as her behavior did not change in the way it did. I was genuinely ready to let go of the other women, but now I'm doing the opposite until proven otherwise.

I admit I definitely ****ed up by a) telling her I wanted exclusivity and b) not dealing with her attitude change.

I am definitely making it intense because my gut is telling me something is wrong. Men have an innate ability to detect when something is fishy in a woman's behavior.
Personally, I would just proceed as if you are a couple now. You already had "the talk." Is she exclusive with you? No. Likewise, you should not be exclusive with her either. That's what happens when you rush into exclusivity too fast. However, if your goal was always to force the issue and have her give you a fair shake, this is a way to do it: pretend to be exclusive until she gets rid of her obiters eventually, or decides to jump ship.

This is assuming that your emotions can handle this, which I assume they cannot. I have been there.
 
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