want my girl back

[danielinengland]

I need advice. I will keep story short. I am 28 years old. met my girl when I was 17. we bought a house together 2 years ago. We have 2 children together. First child is my daughter , she was born in aug 2002, second child is my son , born in feb 2004. I left my girl in august 2003 while she was pregnant. Felt we were not getting on , & felt things would never be right. She pleaded with me not to go. But I went. During time i have been gone, she has been through labour on her own, & also she has suffered the loss of her dad who died from cancer.
After all this time away, I still love her to bits, & really miss her, I want to get back with her, I have told her this, she has refused, she does not trust me, she has been through so much without me that she does not need me anymore, she also thinks i only want back with her to get to the kids. Please advise me on how I can get her back.

 

[Falcon Eye]

Originally posted by danielinengland
I need advice. I will keep story short. I am 28 years old. met my girl when I was 17. we bought a house together 2 years ago. We have 2 children together. First child is my daughter , she was born in aug 2002, second child is my son , born in feb 2004. I left my girl in august 2003 while she was pregnant. Felt we were not getting on , & felt things would never be right. She pleaded with me not to go. But I went. During time i have been gone, she has been through labour on her own, & also she has suffered the loss of her dad who died from cancer.
After all this time away, I still love her to bits, & really miss her, I want to get back with her, I have told her this, she has refused, she does not trust me, she has been through so much without me that she does not need me anymore, she also thinks i only want back with her to get to the kids. Please advise me on how I can get her back.

Some things a person can undo, others cannot be undone. You may not like this, but, it's over, the ship has sailed.

You left this woman while she was carrying your child, all the while ignoring her pleas for you to stay. Since that time she has had to stand on her own two feet, a decidedly unpleasant task at the time, that most likely made her stronger; she gave birth to a child, and experienced the loss of a parent. All the things that have happened to this woman in the past couple of years have been life changing experiences.

How can she be the same person now that she was before you left? In short, she can't be. She had life experiences forced upon her, choices forced upon her, and probably had to face days that were hell on earth, and lived to tell the tale. Now you expect to be able to waltz back in like nothing has happened after having discovered that the grass is less green on the other side? Sorry, life doesn't work that way.

I'd say this woman has moved on to a different stage of her life and most likely you shouldn't expect to be included in the ride from here on out.

 

[gentleman193]

I would like to add that a guy who leaves his girl while she is pregnant by him and she pleads for him to stay is a LOSER.

While she is pregnant and already has another of his children to care for? DOUBLE LOSER.

He left his woman *and* his family. Just b/c "it didn't feel right."

Ag, gee, falcon eye. You'd feel a lot worse if I got my hands on you.

But in a sense, this woman got lucky. The trash took itself right out the door all on its own. Now she no longer needs him. Not only will he not get her back, he lost his children, too.

There is no excuse today for having TWO kids and not taking responsibility. We all know how to avoid the big oops. In the best of all worlds, we'd cut the nads off these chumps who can't figure it out so they don't do it again. They are just contributing to the social burden the rest of us pay for. Here will be more kids without a man in their families who will turn out like women. But then, Falcon Eye doesn't sound much like a man to me.

 

[Falcon Eye]

Originally posted by gentleman193
I would like to add that a guy who leaves his girl while she is pregnant by him and she pleads for him to stay is a LOSER.

While she is pregnant and already has another of his children to care for? DOUBLE LOSER.

He left his woman *and* his family. Just b/c "it didn't feel right."

Ag, gee, falcon eye. You'd feel a lot worse if I got my hands on you.

But in a sense, this woman got lucky. The trash took itself right out the door all on its own. Now she no longer needs him. Not only will he not get her back, he lost his children, too.

There is no excuse today for having TWO kids and not taking responsibility. We all know how to avoid the big oops. In the best of all worlds, we'd cut the nads off these chumps who can't figure it out so they don't do it again. They are just contributing to the social burden the rest of us pay for. Here will be more kids without a man in their families who will turn out like women. But then, Falcon Eye doesn't sound much like a man to me.

Ah, dude, would you care to explain that last statement? It was danielinengland that left the knocked up girlfriend.

 

[danielinengland]

Some things a person can undo, others cannot be undone. You may not like this, but, it's over, the ship has sailed.

You left this woman while she was carrying your child, all the while ignoring her pleas for you to stay. Since that time she has had to stand on her own two feet, a decidedly unpleasant task at the time, that most likely made her stronger; she gave birth to a child, and experienced the loss of a parent. All the things that have happened to this woman in the past couple of years have been life changing experiences.

How can she be the same person now that she was before you left? In short, she can't be. She had life experiences forced upon her, choices forced upon her, and probably had to face days that were hell on earth, and lived to tell the tale. Now you expect to be able to waltz back in like nothing has happened after having discovered that the grass is less green on the other side? Sorry, life doesn't work that way.

I'd say this woman has moved on to a different stage of her life and most likely you shouldn't expect to be included in the ride from here on out.



Well I take issue with your comment, first of all I dont expect to "waltz" back in to her life like nothing has happened. So I find that remark very irrelevant.
Secondly you seem to think the World is Black & White, you see it as my ex is a lovely girl who has done nothing wrong, & I am a bad man who left her in her time of need. Well I`m sorry if you only see the key points , but there is more to it than that, I did not abondon my ex, I stopped being her boyfriend, I still offered my help & to be there for her, but she refused as she wanted me only as a boyfriend , not just a friend.
Thirdly I have not found the grass to be less green on the other side , but that is no reason to stop loving someone.
Finally I do not "expect" to be included in the ride from here on out as you put it, but i want to be included, & will do anything to be back on that ride, I posted this original message to seek advice on getting my girl back, not for people to debate whether or not I am bad or good , or as to whether or not she will have me back, I want advice on getting her back , so I can give it my best shot & if it does not work then at least I tried, the chioce is with my ex, not with anybody else.

 

[danielinengland]

I would like to add that a guy who leaves his girl while she is pregnant by him and she pleads for him to stay is a LOSER.

While she is pregnant and already has another of his children to care for? DOUBLE LOSER.

He left his woman *and* his family. Just b/c "it didn't feel right."

Ag, gee, falcon eye. You'd feel a lot worse if I got my hands on you.

But in a sense, this woman got lucky. The trash took itself right out the door all on its own. Now she no longer needs him. Not only will he not get her back, he lost his children, too.

There is no excuse today for having TWO kids and not taking responsibility. We all know how to avoid the big oops. In the best of all worlds, we'd cut the nads off these chumps who can't figure it out so they don't do it again. They are just contributing to the social burden the rest of us pay for. Here will be more kids without a man in their families who will turn out like women. But then, Falcon Eye doesn't sound much like a man to me.





What an aggressive comment, full of name calling, well I hope you feel much better for it. I do take responsibility for my children, I love them to bits & pay a fortune for them & I dont begrudge a penny of it, I do play a part in their lives, & also I will be very pleased for my daughter to "turn out like women" as you put it. I must also say if being a man means name calling and ranting about situations you only know a little about , then I would also rather my son grew up as a woman.

The comment about if you got your hands on me, where is that from, this is a post asking for advice not a violent attack or a fight. You are either very brave or very stupid saying that, I may be a 7 stone weakling, but I may also be an 18 stone kickboxer. You have no idea either way, so therefore I suggest you keep comments like these to yourself.

 

[WaterTiger]

Daniel~
Let me get the facts straight:

*You were in a relationship with your girl for a while, having one child, then got her pregnant with a second child.

*You decided to leave for your own personal reasons.

* Your girl went through loosing you, delivering a child and the loss of her beloved father without you.

*You do take responsibility for your children, spending money and time with them. (Excellent, this is very good.)

*You want to be her boyfriend again, and would like our advice on how to do that.

*We do not have all the information about your relationship between the two of you or the full reason that you chose to leave.

There is no magic formula to make her consider you suitable relationship material again. I can only make assumptions on her state of mind.

Even you have stated that the choice is with her and not you. You need to understand that she is not the same person that you left last August. She has gone through the three most stressfull things a human being can go through and made it to the other side without your help. Things will NEVER be the way they were because she is not the same person. She is stronger, and knows she can do things all by herself without anyone's help.

You will have to prove to her, without a shadow of a doubt that you are going to be there every day, every night, no matter what happens. She doesn't trust you because you haven't proven that you can be trusted. She will test you and test you hard. She will try to drive you away so she can say "SEE?? I knew you'd run out on me again!". Take your shoes off and get ready to walk over twenty miles of broken glass! You cannot fail in her eyes this time.

~~~~My advice to you:
1-Explain to her exactly why you left and did not think there was anyway to save the relationship.
2-Explain to her why you think it would be in her's and the children's best interest to have you become a permanent part of their lives again.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Daniel, if you want to quote somebody's post - the easy way to do it is to click on the 'quote' button on the bottom right corner of their post.

Yes, your situation is salvageable! It will take time and patience on your part. Whatever you do, do not push the issue or aggressively try to convince her to take you back. She is angry and has become hardened and bitter because of your abandonment in her time of need! This is normal and expected.

You must show her your remorse (without crying) and must repent of your wrongful actions and ill behavior! This contrition must be sincere and longsuffering because it will cleanse you of your wrongdoing and bring her to trust you again. This takes time!!!

A women wants a father in the household for her children and it will be difficult for her to find another who will take on the responsibilities of raising two children! Also, no woman wants to be alone.

You've known her for 11 years, since you were 17 - this means alot since she knows your true character and may consider your abandonment as a lapse in judgment that was temporal and not your permanent way of thinking!

You have to be strightforward and honest of exactly why you left her and convince her this is not going to happen again!

Tell her that she should take time to at least reflect upon this and weigh the consequences of your absence, for the benefit or detriment of her and her children!

I'm thinking you have at least a 80% chance of getting her back - just leave her alone and act responsibly and love your children. If she doesn't see you as a good husband/mate, she'll at least see you as a good father, and this may sway her thinking towards your favor!

 

[gentleman193]

Falcon Eye,

My apologies. I intended the comment for the original poster, danielinengland. Just used the wrong name there, sorry about that.

Daniel,

I'm not very brave. You may be a professional assassin, for all I know. But you won't ever find me, so I'm free to tell you what I think without mincing words. And I will never know if I run into you, anyway, so don't sweat it. It's not a violent threat, it's an expression.

Anyway, as I think about it more now, if you did go back to your family, your kids might benefit if you acted like a man. But, frankly, I've had to take the measure of enough men in my brief time to know that actions speak loudest. When I've once found someone I relied on to be unloyal, untrustworthy, or untrue I've never wasted a second chance on them. I doubt that women are any different. I think you ought to focus on your kids and finding another woman.

 

[dietzcoi]

But you did leave her for a reason. If that reason is still there, getting back together with her will just lead to another break up, worse for the children.

I think you may be making a mistake. Falcon Eye is correct. Some things cannot be undone. And the poor guy gets attacked for his comments!

I do not think you can undo this unless you want to go AFC and say "yes, dear" every time she gets upset and brings up the past. Believe me she will bring this up again and again if you go back with her. But it might be worth it to you.

Dietzcoi

 

[8ball]

Relax.

It's in the bag.

It's going to take time, patience, and self-contol.


You are the father of her children. She is going to prefer you over any other guy.

You are going to have to eat **** for while. Bite the bullet, suck it up, and treat her like gold.

She'll come around.

 

[Austin Allegro]

Re:

Originally posted by 8ball
Relax.

It's in the bag.

It's going to take time, patience, and self-contol.


You are the father of her children. She is going to prefer you over any other guy.

You are going to have to eat **** for while. Bite the bullet, suck it up, and treat her like gold.

She'll come around.

In other words, act like an AFC?

I think the only way to salvage this situation is NOT to grovel but for you to demonstrate that you are worthy of being taken back.

The only way I can see this happening is if you do the best you can for your children and make the most of access times to restore some kind of relationship with the ex. Only when you are in a position of trust could the idea of getting back together again be floated.

But to be honest, it does sound that things may have gone too far - you have to ask yourself WHY you want to get back with someone you left in the first place.

 

[dietzcoi]

Why do people post on this site, presumeably after reading the bible and numerous posts, with AFC advice straight from Oprah?

Austin, you are right... "treat her like gold"... 8ball, you need to seriously rethink your advice.

DIetzcoi

 

[Skel]

"Some things a person can undo, others cannot be undone. You may not like this, but, it's over, the ship has sailed"


I dont belive this to be true Falconeye. He has children and a long history with this girl. Some things can be worked out. Im hoping for the posters sake and the childrens sake that they can work this out. This has nothing to do with being a DJ. It has to do with doing the right thing for the children. I dont think anyone can give you advice on what to do in this situation. You need to figure this out yourself. Good luck

 

[Crank_It_Up]

Originally posted by danielinengland
... Please advise me on how I can get her back.

you'll have to grow up first, and start thinking about other people for a change. Good luck.

 

[SxyPlayette]

well considering u've screwed up things really bad, and if she was my friend I wouldn't let her near u cuz u've gotton what u deserve.

But I'd like to have a second chance if I messed up, so why don't u try building her trust in u slowly. Start as friends and see if it progresses and if she doesn't want to, don't push it its better than not having her or u're kids in u're life.

1). Pay child support if u're not.
2) Tell her u want to play a part in u're kids lives, cuz though u've made mistakes, u've learnt from them and u've grown, and u want to make things better, and they deserve to know their.
3) Try to go out as a family maybe once a wk, or once every 2 weeks
that way u guys will start talking and maybe become close, the hard part is now getting her to hang out with u.

Suggest something like six flags, that way u're stuck with eachother and u can talk unlike the movies. :shrugs: goodluck.

But if u're unsure of how u feel, let her go, get over it, move on, rather than bringing in your kids and affecting their lives negatively when its going well now.