Trying to "mold" her

[jhonny9546]

I'll tell you a short story about how I changed her behavior, towards me, by not validating her.
I was inspired by a friend who did this with his girlfriend.
In short, my girlfriend makes me food, but I always eat it cold, and she never puts it in warm.
One day, at lunch, instead of thanking her, I simply didn't validate her. I said, "Why don't you heat it up for me? Do you want me to eat it cold?" She became upset and responded rudely, while I remained silent.

She continued to make me cold meals, but after about a week, she started to heat them for me. Then I validated her efforts. Now, most of the meals are warm!

Since I'm a nice guy, this thing doesn't come natural to me, and hurt me, but this is what I've done to make her change her behaviour. What do you think, could I've done it better?

 

[Divorced w 3]

Don’t try to change her everyone here will tell you the same thing that it’s a waste of energy and it will never work. You are going to have to figure this out for yourself. It may take six months. It may take longer than that, but there is a real scientific principle, called Neuroplasticity that you should look into, especially as women age or any human. It’s very hard for a leopard to change its stripes that saying has been around since the beginning of time for a reason. I just dealt with two years of it myself this board more than eight out of 10 times is right. Trust it trust the process I can’t stress that enough.

 

[BaronOfHair]

In short, my girlfriend makes me food, but I always eat it cold, and she never puts it in warm.

Are you allowing whatever grub your eating to get chilly, THEN expecting her to heat it up for you? If so, that brings us back around to a prior observation https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/anger.283121/#post-3137037 Toddlers in adult bodies indeed

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Find someone who already is what you want and stop wasting time and energy trying to change someone. It won't work.

 

[Ricky]

I disagree that people dont change. The problem is that people often change for the worse

it takes effort to make ones self better. Alot aren’t willing to put in the effort

 

[The Duke]

I'll tell you a short story about how I changed her behavior, towards me, by not validating her.
I was inspired by a friend who did this with his girlfriend.
In short, my girlfriend makes me food, but I always eat it cold, and she never puts it in warm.
One day, at lunch, instead of thanking her, I simply didn't validate her. I said, "Why don't you heat it up for me? Do you want me to eat it cold?" She became upset and responded rudely, while I remained silent.

She continued to make me cold meals, but after about a week, she started to heat them for me. Then I validated her efforts. Now, most of the meals are warm!

Since I'm a nice guy, this thing doesn't come natural to me, and hurt me, but this is what I've done to make her change her behaviour. What do you think, could I've done it better?

So let me get this straight.....you sat there eating cold meal after cold me and never told her you prefer a hot meal until now?

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Find someone who already is what you want and stop wasting time and energy trying to change someone. It won't work.

He needs to leave his country to do that

 

[BillyPilgrim]

OP you will continue to be obsessed with intergender power struggles until you leave you home country's toxic society. What's your exit plan?

 

[jhonny9546]

OP you will continue to be obsessed with intergender power struggles until you leave you home country's toxic society. What's your exit plan?

From what you say it would seem easy and painless.
Because finding her feminine and submissive takes me little to go to the Philippines, the problem is that you have to stay there, and not bring her here.
From your experiences what have you discovered?

He doesn't know you should establish boundaries and standards at the start of the relationship.

When and How you do it, it's my biggest issue.

 

[jhonny9546]

When interacting, the tone of voice used shows you're not a person to trifle with and people will assume you have boundaries and standards

My brother-in-law actually has a "bad guy" attitude, and there are people around him who say he is petty or appears to be a scoundrel. For example, he enters both formal and informal settings with the same demeanor: he never says "Hi everyone," but instead starts with a simple "Hi" or makes an assertion like "So the dog is doing that again," or just says "Ehhh," often while doing some trick.

My sister actually goes mad for him because she told me he shows that he has "no fear" of anything.

He certainly intimidates people with this "bad guy" attitude, but what you're referring to is something more akin to a "Berlusconi" type of behavior (do you know about the Italian politician's demeanor?). Or perhaps it's just typical of any politician.

For example, my uncle enters a room with a voice that is usually low but strong, as if he’s using his diaphragm to sing. You can really hear the power in his voice.

 

[jhonny9546]

So, more like your uncle and less like your brother-in-law.

I would come back in time and be born to my uncle.
With Him as a father I would have 50% of my current problems fixed.

 

[The Duke]

@jhonny9546
Your remedy for this problem is passive aggressive. Its very feminine.

like AA said, you need to set the boundaries from the start.

A man that is passive and doesn't say what he means because he is worried about being nice isn't attractive to women. Its what they do. Then they sit their in regret and display passive aggressive behavior and expect a man to read their mind.

They want a strong man that stands up for what he wants and is sticks to his convictions.

Its a struggle to try and put the cat back in the bag. Best to always define expectations and set boundaries early on.

 

[jhonny9546]

set boundaries early on.

As I mentioned before, it’s not like you read a contract to her or set an appointment to list all your boundaries.

It’s more about making her aware of the boundaries as you navigate the relationship.

For example, a friend of mine was having a conversation with his girlfriend and some other friends. During this conversation, the topic of "cheating" came up, and one of my friends loudly asked him, "What would you do if your girlfriend cheated on you?" He replied, "She'd be out immediately."

In this case, my friend established a boundary in an indirect way.

How do you usually estabilish em?

 

[Vanderdonck]

As I mentioned before, it’s not like you read a contract to her or set an appointment to list all your boundaries.

It’s more about making her aware of the boundaries as you navigate the relationship.

For example, a friend of mine was having a conversation with his girlfriend and some other friends. During this conversation, the topic of "cheating" came up, and one of my friends loudly asked him, "What would you do if your girlfriend cheated on you?" He replied, "She'd be out immediately."

In this case, my friend established a boundary in an indirect way.

How do you usually estabilish em?

Personal boundaries are not there to control other people's behaviors. They're for you to rely on so you can trust yourself and be as c0cksure as that brother in law of yours. Doesn't mean you have to be a boor either. Just rock solid on your personal principles.

No matter how "in line" your woman is she will do something eventually that runs afoul of your boundaries. I don't care how sweet and innocent and virginal and demure a woman is, they all respond to the same prompts. And nobody is perfect. People will do what they want at the end of the day, so your boundaries are for you to be secure knowing you'll do what you want.

With the cold meal example I don't know if she was even aware of your preference for heated meals. If not then she did nothing wrong. I would have said something more direct ("This is great but I prefer it heated"). Now if she had kept serving it cold, then yes she's crossing a boundary. Otherwise it's just a meal preference and she probably wondered why you didn't speak up sooner.

 

[jhonny9546]

I hope you're not a father

I am creating some extremes, specifically to better understand how to establish them.

The fact is that when you set limits or enforce them, you will encounter reactions. How do you usually manage these reactions? Once the limit has been established, you know that you do not have to bend to any reaction.

Also because I see people trying to set limits, and then when their children cross them, they get furious, go there and beat them up.

 

[jhonny9546]

The example is not clear because You react to her actions; you don't establish them in advance. If she is not good at performing oral sex, then you react by establishing a standard by telling her how to do it. The next time, she will perform better.

But what happens if she cheats on you? You cannot establish boundaries after the fact.

 

[The Duke]

How do you establish boundaries?


Here's a great list from Google AI:

-Self-reflection: Understand your own needs and values to identify areas where you need to set boundaries.

-Identify specific behaviors: Clearly define what behaviors are unacceptable or cross your boundaries.

-Choose the right time: Pick a calm moment to discuss boundaries with the person involved.

-Communicate assertively: Use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs directly, without blaming or accusing.

-Be clear and concise: Explain your boundary clearly and simply, avoiding ambiguity.

-Set consequences: Discuss what will happen if the boundary is crossed, and be prepared to follow through.

-Practice self-care: Be mindful of your emotions and prioritize your well-being when enforcing boundaries

Here are a few personal examples I've had with former girlfriends:

1. I used to pick my girlfriend up for our date and we would go eat somewhere. She had a habit of getting on her phone and checking her social media on the 20min drive to the restaurant. I hadn't seen her all week, and I wanted her undividied attention and wanted to have good converstion with her. So the first time she did it, I said in a funny tone "hey, are you on a date with me or that phone?" She got the hint and put her phone down. The second time it happened, I said "I haven't seen you much this week and I'd like to have an undivided conversation with just you, not you and your phone. My apologies for not making that clear the last time. If this happens again, we will just stay home". I got some attitude this time. And guess what, this happened a third time over the course of 2months. The third time I turned my truck around, went home, made myself a sandwich, then enjoyed my hobby the rest of the evening. It never happened again.

2. Another former girlfriend was complaining about our relationship and how she wasn't happy. blah blah blah. I listened to her and told her I would try and do better. This all played out during a 30min conversation in the car on the way to eat. When we got to the restaurant she kept complaining. I told her she had 5 more minutes to say what she had to say and after that the conversation needed to change or I would walk out and leave her there. I interjected at the 5 minute mark, even reminded her she needed to wrap it up or I was leaving. I ended up leaving her. After a few minutes she blew my phone up non-stop for 2hrs and I ignored every attempt. She went outside the restaurant and cried her eyes out. A few hours later an Uber dropped her off at my house. Never had any more problems like that again.

With my current girlfriend whenever she tells me a story of another girl acting out, or we are somewhere and a couple is having an argument and one of them is getting out of hand throwing a tantrum, I always share my thoughts so she knows that schitt isn't acceptable to me. I let her know that if she wants to pull that crap and have a melt down that she can find a new boyfriend.

 

[jhonny9546]

How do you establish boundaries?

Thanks for sharing your experiences this is really clarifing.

These are boundaries that you set when the situation presents itself to you. These are things that I do as well. I’ve noticed that when I'm alone with a woman, it’s unconsciously easier for me, as if I become more of a man. Does this happen to you too?

Now, there are larger boundaries, such as not cheating, not going out with friends to certain places, maintaining cleanliness and taking care of the house, and looking after my clothes. Additionally, when you want to make her understand that she is doing something wrong, you need to communicate that you wouldn’t accept her behavior in the relationship if she continues to stay on the couch and neglects her health by not engaging in physical activity.

Here, we encounter more "sensitive" limits. How do you put them into practice?

I liked your approach. You gave her three chances. In short, when you want to set a boundary, you provide her with three opportunities, and on the third infraction, you withdraw your complete attention.

For example, if she starts using her phone in the car again after a year, what would you do? Alternatively, she might ask for your permission to use it.

We're human after all

 

[The Duke]

These are boundaries that you set when the situation presents itself to you. These are things that I do as well. I’ve noticed that when I'm alone with a woman, it’s unconsciously easier for me, as if I become more of a man. Does this happen to you too?

Yes being alone with her its easier for me to deal with issues. I don't have to contend with how others might perceive and influence our interaction. Her girlfriends and most others always side with the cute girl that is upset.

Now, there are larger boundaries, such as not cheating, not going out with friends to certain places, maintaining cleanliness and taking care of the house, and looking after my clothes. Additionally, when you want to make her understand that she is doing something wrong, you need to communicate that you wouldn’t accept her behavior in the relationship if she continues to stay on the couch and neglects her health by not engaging in physical activity.

Here, we encounter more "sensitive" limits. How do you put them into practice?

That stuff needs discussed up front. Don't worry about being sensitive. Some of those can be major deal breakers. You don't compromise on that stuff. Be direct and stern. I'm usually pretty direct and open with my thoughts and expectations. As a result, all of my ex girlfriends have always said they always worry about pleasing me. Its not hard to know what I like and don't like, I've most likely shared it from the start. Set the bar where you want it set, they can meet your expectations or fall by the wayside.

For example, if she starts using her phone in the car again after a year, what would you do? Alternatively, she might ask for your permission to use it.

I'd ask her why she keeps disrespecting my boundary. She won't have a good answer I guarantee that. Then I tell her, that her disrespect is a problem in our relationship. That disrespect will manifest in other areas. And thats why ended up breaking up with this chic.

One of the first signs a woman will display when she isn't into the relationship like she used to be is when she starts acting disrespectful(after you've made your expectations clear). They are subconsciously telling you they aren't happy with the relationship and things aren't headed in a positive direction.

 

[jhonny9546]

One of the first signs a woman will display when she isn't into the relationship like she used to be is when she starts acting disrespectful(after you've made your expectations clear). They are subconsciously telling you they aren't happy with the relationship and things aren't headed in a positive direction.

Oh! I can actually see this in my friends' LTR's from both sides. It seems like they are trying to work on something they've discussed, but they still can't seem to make it happen. When you have a marriage, a child, and a very exhausting career, it becomes even harder.