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Thinking About Bailing On Marriage

Money & Muscle

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I just don't feel connected to my wife anymore. Either she isn't putting in the effort to make me stay, or the max effort she can produce is not enough to keep me. I'm tired of carrying the weight of the relationship. I'm tired of being the one who works, lifts, goes to school, lifts, initiates sex, de-escalates arguments...

So far as I know, my wife has never cheated on me. She keeps up with her looks, though (nowhere near as much as I do for my own looks).

I have a hard time being the pretty one and the only money maker (which I do pretty well at ~$150k/yr).
I guess I'd be okay with being the better looking one, and the one who makes the money if my wife's effort made up for the difference, but that just isn't happening.

Last night was the first sexual rejection I've had from her in some time. I don't get "no's", but occasionally I'll get resistance. I think I'm more irritated by how the rejection went down than the rejection itself. I'd rather just get a "no" than some trickle truth bullsh*t about her not wanting to do anything with me.

You know what I rarely get? Enthusiasm. Sure, sex is great to have, but I'm f*cking tired of getting the bare minimal amount of work she can get away with. Tired of having to initiate with a b*tch whose laying down in bed under the covers the second our daughter gets put to bed. Nothing sexier than initiating with a woman whose trying her d*mndest to rush off to bed everyday of the week (eyeroll).

Duty sex is irritating and unsexy and this is the only kind of sex I've gotten for almost 2 months. At first I didn't care because dont care; got laid, but at what point to I get to have sex with a woman who actually wants to have sex with me? F*ck.

I'm done turning a blind eye to IOIs I keep getting. I'm done with turning down numbers girls are giving me. I'm done with not pursuing other sex avenues. I worked too f*cking hard to get to where I am, just to have a sexually apathetic wife.

Men who initiated divorces, what was the last straw for you? Do you regret it?
 

Money & Muscle

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I'm going to start actively gaming other women. I've got some deep-seated issues here that need to be sorted out.

Knowing I have other options available for sex is either going to get my wife to shape up, or get me the confidence to move on.

There's so much risk in marriage, for me to not be getting what I want out of it.
 

behimo

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looks like you already made up your mind after considering your risks.

I've heard on a podcasts 4 things ruin a marriage, Criticism, Being Defensive, Stonewalling and Contempt. Showing contempt is 99% chance of divorce. Contempt is you feeling better than your partner.
 

Nitrozv20

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Women are emotional, they crave intimacy outside the bedroom, get back into her emotional side and you should solve the problem. I remember your post about this a while back. Communicate this **** and find out what is lacking in your marriage.
 

Pierce.Manhammer

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I know how it feels to have your wife act like you have described yours does. It was one of reasons I filed for my divorce, there were several but sex was subpar if at all. Mostly I miss the warmth of the hearth - it’s hard to describe, I don’t miss her or even think of her as a sexual being, like at all. Have I had a lot of success sexually since? Absolutely have, is it worth it? Jury is out still.

Your initial post describes things pretty well. It’s time for you to sound the warning bell with her, I know you feel like you have but you probably have not in a way that tells her that you’re considering bailing.

I would tell her exactly the things you said in your OP, no sugar coating. Say “and this makes me want to get a divorce”.

She will either change or won’t. Suggest she talk to her gynecologist about HRT, as she’s potentially pre-menopausal. Insist on attending the meeting to insure compliance and read up on it and the potential arguments against it - it’s possible her doc will say “cancer blah blah blah”. If she does insist on a HRT educated doc to replace her. This is your marriage she needs to understand that unless things change its curtains.

You cannot skip any of the above. No half measures and you cannot start it and then slack off, she’ll think “oh here he goes again, I’ll fake enthusiasm for a few weeks and he’ll go back to his little box”.
 
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Money & Muscle

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Suggest she talk to her gynecologist about HRT
She just stopped taking HRT like 2 weeks ago out of the blue, solo test prop at 7mg/wk. She's 34.

She told me 2 weeks after she had done it. Her test levels are tanked and she never even looked up how to PCT. F*cking ridiculous. I'd take her to Viktoria Felkar but honestly she f*cked her own hormones out of sheer emotional nonsense and I'm too pissed to pay for top notch treatment.

I would tell her exactly the things you said in your OP, no sugar coating. Say “and this makes me want to get a divorce”.
I think I'm going to, but not until I follow some of the advice I've been getting on /MRP
"... most of your current problems are caused by scarcity. And that a sober second opinion will help. Get to the point where it's literally just a case of unzipping and shoving it in. Whether you do or don't at that point won't matter - you'll know your market value. Or actually, 20% below market value as being married is playing with a handicap, even after factoring in the preselection boost."
 

Bible_Belt

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Your risks are substantial. You could come home from work one day and be handed divorce papers and an order of protection based on fictitious and unproven allegations. Then you are kicked out of your own house and don't even get to see your daughter for a while, until the court is done raping you. 25% of your income until the child is 18, sometimes even longer in some states, and another 25% to her as alimony for I'd guess another two years or so. You might have to pay her attorneys fees and will certainly have to pay your own.

So understand your risks and mitigate them. The only good divorce is a friendly one.
 

Hamurabimbi

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My Ex-wife lost sexual interest after I let myself go. She cares a lot about her looks. As she is very pretty. She kept warning me, but, I was blue pilled and thought looks don’t really matter anymore after you’re married. It sounds like the opposite of your situation.
 

Hamurabimbi

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Your risks are substantial. You could come home from work one day and be handed divorce papers and an order of protection based on fictitious and unproven allegations. Then you are kicked out of your own house and don't even get to see your daughter for a while, until the court is done raping you. 25% of your income until the child is 18, sometimes even longer in some states, and another 25% to her as alimony for I'd guess another two years or so. You might have to pay her attorneys fees and will certainly have to pay your own.

So understand your risks and mitigate them. The only good divorce is a friendly one.
yes. I divorced her, which made her angry, but. I kept it civil and did everything I could to make it smooth for both of us. My reward. She became my FWB later.
 

Money & Muscle

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Your risks are substantial. You could come home from work one day and be handed divorce papers and an order of protection based on fictitious and unproven allegations. Then you are kicked out of your own house and don't even get to see your daughter for a while, until the court is done raping you. 25% of your income until the child is 18, sometimes even longer in some states, and another 25% to her as alimony for I'd guess another two years or so. You might have to pay her attorneys fees and will certainly have to pay your own.

So understand your risks and mitigate them. The only good divorce is a friendly one.
I haven't been married 10 years yet so my understanding is alimony is out the window.
The 25% child support kind of sucks but as long as it's going towards my daughter.
Losing contact with my daughter will make me want to kill a b*tch.
I'm doubtful of abuse allegations but you never know with women.

I'm at risk of all these whether I cheat on my wife or not. In today's court system, it doesn't even really matter if one party cheated or not - the dude just gets bent over either way.

I actually don't see a way to improve or save my marriage without risking it's implosion via cheating. My wife doesn't put in the effort she needs to keep me; she either needs to step it up or find someone else to subsidize her lifestyle.
 

Pierce.Manhammer

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You need to tread softly, my friend. I don’t think most men understand the effect that hormonal swings can have on women and even their decision-making process. The first thing you need to do before you have this conversation is get her even keel with her hormones. Otherwise, you’re pissing in the wind.

You seem scattered.

Talk to a divorce lawyer and spend the money to get actual, actionable advice. If you don’t, you’re just venting. Are you in a no-fault state?

Additionally, when you divorce your wife, you need to be OK with the fact that you may not be as successful as you think you’re going to be in the sexual marketplace. And it would be best if you were OK with that. No one’s going to help you; and no one’s coming to your rescue.

She just stopped taking HRT like 2 weeks ago out of the blue, solo test prop at 7mg/wk. She's 34.

She told me 2 weeks after she had done it. Her test levels are tanked and she never even looked up how to PCT. F*cking ridiculous. I'd take her to Viktoria Felkar but honestly she f*cked her own hormones out of sheer emotional nonsense and I'm too pissed to pay for top notch treatment.


I think I'm going to, but not until I follow some of the advice I've been getting on /MRP
"... most of your current problems are caused by scarcity. And that a sober second opinion will help. Get to the point where it's literally just a case of unzipping and shoving it in. Whether you do or don't at that point won't matter - you'll know your market value. Or actually, 20% below market value as being married is playing with a handicap, even after factoring in the preselection boost."
 

Bible_Belt

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I haven't been married 10 years yet so my understanding is alimony is out the window...she either needs to step it up or find someone else to subsidize her lifestyle.
We'd have to look at your particular state, but you may be thinking of a statute that mandates alimony beginning at ten years. At less than ten, it is likely up to the discretion of the judge. She will have no income and a child to care for, the perfect case for alimony.
 

Money & Muscle

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@Bible_Belt @Pierce.Manhammer
I live in CA and I'm upper middle class as straight white male, so probably going to owe her one of my kidneys either way.

Do I want a divorce? No.
Do I think I'll end up needing to choose between a divorce and my own happiness? Yes.

I still believe the best path forward for me is to actually start gaming other women. Whether I cheat or not, the point is that both my wife and I will know I am capable of other options. I'd rather not cheat, but I'm having a hard time coping with doing everything I've done, and feeling like I'm relegated to a subpar marriage.
 

Pierce.Manhammer

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@Bible_Belt @Pierce.Manhammer
I live in CA and I'm upper middle class as straight white male, so probably going to owe her one of my kidneys either way.

Do I want a divorce? No.
Do I think I'll end up needing to choose between a divorce and my own happiness? Yes.

I still believe the best path forward for me is to actually start gaming other women. Whether I cheat or not, the point is that both my wife and I will know I am capable of other options. I'd rather not cheat, but I'm having a hard time coping with doing everything I've done, and feeling like I'm relegated to a subpar marriage.
Earning a buck fitty here ain’t chit. If you’re doing this to get poon your divided salary is less than what Uber drivers make. She’s getting 50% of everything, best you calm down first and try to work this out. Once you say the divorce word, you greatly increase the chances of having her file on you so tread lightly make sure this is what you want and not just you needing to vent.

Don’t cheat man, that’s a mark on your soul, it’s your honor and a breach of contract. You’re unhaaaaaaappy…
 

pipeman84

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Hey @Money & Muscle we discussed this in November last year, I said that based on your posts your relationship has a poor foundation and best option would be a divorce, you answered that it's never been better. :rolleyes:

Now, first of all, I very much doubt a 34yrs old woman needs HRT and secondly, if you believe that is going to change the situation, you're just fooling yourself and prolonging the agony.
 

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ManFromTartarus

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M&M I commend you for being so open & candid about your situation, I hope it gets you the answers you seek, & helps you make the right decisions.


Men who initiated divorces, what was the last straw for you? Do you regret it?
I initiated my divorce, root cause: Ex was attempting to flee the state with our child & relocate far away.

Regret? There's always a little in situations like this, but no where close to the regret I've had in even investing my life in the wrong person, or the major red flags I ignored before making that commitment.
To clarify, these feelings I have are based from a brutal divorce, custody battle, & an extremely difficult coparenting situation laced with parental alienation & estrangement. I've had a tough journey so my view might be a little jaded, so keep it in mind when you read this advice.

If you did not have children I would be all for you cutting your ties as soon as you found the relationship to be unresolvable, but with another life affected by this decision I have to say, exhaust every option you can find to turn your marriage around before making such a bold change in your life.

The legal challenges to fathers in the divorce court system, child support, visitation issues, coparenting conflicts, can really take a toll on a man, and his connection to his child. Also the effects of divorce financially, socially, and psychologically can be so profound that it can make your life seem like a completely different one post divorce .... and not always for the better.

Not to say that if you find the relationship to be so far gone that you can't turn it around you should stick through it & suffer just for your child to have 2 parents together, just remember your choices here affects more than just you, and making possibly a rash judgment about your marriage or getting caught gaming women on the side might not be the best.

Good luck
 

Money & Muscle

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we discussed this in November last year, I said that based on your posts your relationship has a poor foundation and best option would be a divorce, you answered that it's never been better. :rolleyes:
At the time, this was absolutely true. Things change, wife is going through some latent resistance to submission (non sexual) that wasn't there before and I'm not sure she's ever going to be submissive. I can't be married to a Strong Independent Woman with strong opinions.

I very much doubt a 34yrs old woman needs HRT and secondly, if you believe that is going to change the situation, you're just fooling yourself and prolonging the agony.
I didn't want her on HRT to start with. But when blood tests came back, she was actually low T.
TT: 9ng/dL (8-60)
FT: 0.5pg/mL (0.0-4.2)

I didn't advocate for her to be on it - she did.
 

ThisIsSparta

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Everything is relative.....

in just a couple of years you might find that crazy monkey sex wasnt worth losing the connection to your daughter.

Your wife could fvck that relationship up for good while taking XX% of everything you have.

That said..... if your wife is instable and your life svcks right now, thats a different story.

At which situations do you have to de-escalate? And why do you de-escalate at all?
 

Money & Muscle

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At which situations do you have to de-escalate? And why do you de-escalate at all?
Typically arguments. Ones that often start over some stupid stuff.

If I didn't de-escalate, the argument would never end. This b*tch fvcking loves to argue. I should have cared more about how she communicates with her mom.
I can't even just stop responding to an argument. She'll just stay pissy for days after, even if I've long forgotten about it.

She loves to argue, and loves to not let go of it.

Thank you for your perspective. This part stood out for me
in just a couple of years you might find that crazy monkey sex wasnt worth losing the connection to your daughter.

Your wife could fvck that relationship up for good
 

Nitrozv20

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Earning a buck fitty here ain’t chit. If you’re doing this to get poon your divided salary is less than what Uber drivers make. She’s getting 50% of everything, best you calm down first and try to work this out. Once you say the divorce word, you greatly increase the chances of having her file on you so tread lightly make sure this is what you want and not just you needing to vent.

Don’t cheat man, that’s a mark on your soul, it’s your honor and a breach of contract. You’re unhaaaaaaappy…
no poon is worth losing half of my ****, I can tell you that. From a guy whos been raped by the divorce court and banging randoms, the instant gratification of a quick lay isnt worth it.
 
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