The Psychology of Women: When She Cancels or Stands You Up

Giovanni Casanova

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Think of all the women you've ever had plans with. Think of the ones you stood up or canceled on (if any) and think of the ones that you didn't. Ever notice that you hardly ever cancel on someone that you're TRULY interested in? How, through hell or high water, if you thought she was really great you would make the date no matter what? And when and if you cancelled on a girl, did your opinion of her change afterward?

Here's the rub... everyone gather round and listen closely. When a girl cancels on you, it makes her like you LESS. Let me repeat that in case you're just tuning in. When a girl cancels on you, it makes her like you less. This is a phenomenon psychologists refer to as "cognitive dissonance." Basically, the way it works is that whenever we do something that goes against our values (such as lying when you consider yourself an honest person, or doing something mean when you consider yourself to be nice) it creates a disharmony (dissonance) in our minds. Our minds search for a way to explain why our actions are not in keeping with our perception of ourselves. They do this by making a sort of excuse for ourselves (for example, after you're mean to someone, saying that the person DESERVED your mean treatment makes it easier to understand why you would do something like that). When a girl cancels on you, she may think of herself as a very kind person normally, but she tells herself that she cancelled on you because you were not her type, or not attractive enough, or not interesting enough, or whatever... she'll tell herself these things and BELIEVE THEM even if they aren't really true.

Cognitive dissonance is a b!tch.

Luckily, it works both ways. Whenever someone does something NICE for you, it makes them like you MORE. Even something simple, a small favor. It doesn't even matter how small!! At work, ask her to help you with some really minor project (this works on a couple of levels, because it shows you have the confidence to ask for help and it lets her do something nice for you). Make sure that it's something that she isn't FORCED or COMPELLED to do. Something that isn't in the job description, so that when she does it, she realizes that it was her CHOICE and that she CHOSE to help you, ergo she must like you. If it's at a bar or a club, ask if she has a pen you can borrow. Something small and simple! You get the idea.

By doing this, you can turn your adversary "cognitive dissonance" into your friend.

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CASANOVA

"Always love thy enemies, just in case all your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards."

"Whenever evil befalls us, we ought to ask ourselves, after the first suffering, how we can turn it into good. So shall we take occasion, from one bitter root, to raise perhaps many flowers."
Leigh Hunt

"Before we set our hearts too much upon anything, let us examine how happy those are who already possess it."
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
 

Galactus

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Gio, you're a frickin' genius!

I learned about cognitive dissonance years ago.

It never occurred to me to turn it around.

Now I realize that this is what's been happening to me with this one female I work with. Since we work together, we help each other out. lately, she's been helping me more and more without me asking her, so much that I'm starting to feel guilty about it. At the same time, she's getting much nicer and warmer towards me. Her mind is saying, "I help him out a lot, but I wouldn't do that if I didn't like him, so I must like him a lot."

Cool.

Now that I think about it, I seem to remember David J. Liebermann touching on this in one of his books. Thanks for the reminder.
 

Giovanni Casanova

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Originally posted by galactus:
Gio, you're a frickin' genius!

I learned about cognitive dissonance years ago.

It never occurred to me to turn it around.

Now I realize that this is what's been happening to me with this one female I work with. Since we work together, we help each other out. lately, she's been helping me more and more without me asking her, so much that I'm starting to feel guilty about it. At the same time, she's getting much nicer and warmer towards me. Her mind is saying, "I help him out a lot, but I wouldn't do that if I didn't like him, so I must like him a lot."

Cool.

Now that I think about it, I seem to remember David J. Liebermann touching on this in one of his books. Thanks for the reminder.
For those of you who are interested, David Lieberman does address a similar phenomonenon in his book "How to Get Anyone to Do Anything", which I highly recommend you pick up if you haven't already.

I think the example he uses is getting someone to hold a door open for you or something while your hands are full. Same idea.



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CASANOVA

"Always love thy enemies, just in case all your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards."

"Whenever evil befalls us, we ought to ask ourselves, after the first suffering, how we can turn it into good. So shall we take occasion, from one bitter root, to raise perhaps many flowers."
Leigh Hunt

"Before we set our hearts too much upon anything, let us examine how happy those are who already possess it."
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
 
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