The official Borderline Personality Disorder thread [Merged]

Mauser96

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I will respond in bold
My first post in this forum after being a long timer watcher and viewer of some of the excellent threads on here that have helped me no end.

I am day 53 into 100% NC from my ex. We are the same age 48 - both fit and attractive. We were loving and committed and had a great time whilst we were together for two years. However, during those two years we had two break ups of a month each time. She started to get distant both times a week before the dumping for no reason I could see - completely out of the blue. I'm very aware of my actions and if I fvcked up I would say here guys, but I didn't. I loved her kids and mom. Her and her kids loved me and my kids and family. Everything superb and wonderful. I was helpful, kind, affectionate and generous to her. I was not a doormat. We had great sex, orgasms, BJ’s etc to the very end but she just bailed out of the relationship completely out of the blue when things were perfect. No explanations. Just dumped. After some time apart she’d apologize crying, telling me she was silly how could she let a man of my quality just go like that. Begged for forgiveness. Eventually, after she promised to change, we gravitated back together and things were great again.

She did this a third time end of April. Text dumped me again AS A 48 YEAR OLD!!!!! Not the maturity to discuss it with me. So, 3 times hey? I hope this will be the last you tolerate. I told her to fvck off and leave me alone and I threw some of the romantic cards she had given me back though her letterbox in tears. I wrote her an email two days after, explaining my position BIg mistake. (in the absence of getting an opportunity to put my thoughts forward) but she emailed back saying she will not read it and she would appreciate no further contact. I told her that was rich coming from her after it was HER who kept reaching out to me! Now you see why it was a mistake. Never ever chase someone who dumps you

So 53 days in. She lives a mile from me and I have seen her a couple of times at a distance and it put me back for the day. She has not reached out to me and I am sure as heck not going to reach out to her. Yet, I feel somehow she will. You should not care, and really, you should hope she doesn't. She knows how good I was to her, she told me that so many times. And still....she dumped you 3 times. Why would you possibly want more ?Her son texted me the other night saying he saw me out running and hoped I didn’t think he blanked me (I never saw him!) because he and his wife and daughter liked me a lot he said. He said nothing else than that just some chit chat about biking. He sees his mother (my ex) two or three times a week as they are very close. Could they be putting out feelers I wonder? Did my ex put him up to it to try and steadily break the ice? Who knows? Let's hope not - after all, she dumped you - not once, 3 times.

Don’t mean to sound silly but I am confident, I am good looking, have a successful career, make a lot of money I am fit and look good and I am not desperate. This tells me you can do so much better. I have been dating other women though not hooked up with any as yet even though a few of them fancied me big time. I confess to still having very strong feelings towards my ex, despite the treatment at the hands of her; I've never known things to be so good when they were UP. We were just so amazing. Lots of other women can give you this same experience - better even.

She was prescribed Prozac for depression by her doctor but never took it last year. Makes me think she has Borderline PD - it seems to fit - the sudden changes in behavior.

Anyway, these issues are live and well with people who are older. I will never reach out to her. If she contacts me I would listen objectively to what she says. Personally, I wouldn't. To what end? She dumps you maybe a bit "bored"? goes out and maybe bangs 5 or 6 guys over a couple months, realizes they pump and dump her......and how good she had it with you. Reaches out. You fall for it. Back together, amazing.....until she changes her mind again. She dumps you maybe a bit "bored"? goes out and maybe bangs 5 or 6 guys over a couple months, realizes they pump and dump her......and how good she had it with you. Reaches out. You fall for it. Back together, amazing.....until she changes her mind again.


See a pattern here? Why do you hate yourself so much you would tolerate this?


What do you guys think? Encourage me or kick some sense into me!!! Thanks for reading.
 

Carpathian

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Great reply Mauser, thanks man, I really appreciate that reality check - it's what I needed.

The email two days after the final dumping were words to the effect "leave me alone" not a begging email. I take your point though dude. I have not heard from her since.

I have little doubt that if she came back and I were to forgive her [again] she'd just do the same thing. I didn't "pathetically" let her back the previous two times - she begged, pleaded, cried over a month or so and eventually I thought she was genuine so I slowly let her back in, only for her to do it again.

I view it like I dodged a bullet. Better I find out now than be two years down the line having bought a house together, married and all that sh1t and then she does the same again.

Does this whole episode sound like the symptoms of BPD to you guys? I mean, how come things can be so good then implode for no tangible reason?!
 
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Mauser96

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I don't know about BPD, but I know she will destroy your self-esteem if you keep this up.

Find better.
 

PunkEdge

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Guys its been 4 years since I came out of the darkest period of my life. I was a major AFC, blue pill, genuinely good at heart kind of guy, but after my first BPD experience, I found myself in the rubble that was my then life, and somewhere while sifting through that rubble, I found red pill and sites like these who became a major online guru for me and helped me grow and become a man.

This is my first post on sosuave, I have been a lurker for more than 4 years now and I know sharing cluster B stories is like 2 war veterans sitting together and telling each other what they went through in a war. Nobody comes out whole in this one. Both understand each other in a manner that only they know. But some of us, come out battle hardened and want to aware others. Since my experience, I have also helped a close friend of mine, who was wrapped around the axle of an NPD and was beginning to become a shell of what he used to be. The first time I told him about personality disorders and read him out the symptoms, explaining in detail, he sat there dumbstruck and could not believe it. At first he swallowed that pill but then went into back and forth of truth and denial for months. Till he became sick of being treated like sh*t by his gf. I helped him recover and gave him some recovery books and other red pill books like rational male, book of pook etc. He too has come a long way. I really want to thank this site and all you guys here, I know a lot of you by your profile names, for helping me out indirectly in a major way. My life has improved a lot after taking the red pill.

Special thanks to a few guys here : Danger, Jophil28, kontroller-x, Die Hard, Bible belt. For people who are still recovering i really recommend going through all the material at shrink4men, so you can flush out all the denial out of you and go no-contact.

Anyways, I am from India (not in a part of the world where these things are well known) and below is my story. I first sent it to shrink4men in 2014, I am simply copy pasting it now for others to read. It is also on avoiceformen. This is my story and I was still very raw when I wrote it.

------------------------

I have been a quiet lurker on Shrink4Men for past 1 year now. This site has helped me tremendously, so when an opportunity came where I could share my story with other users on this site, I couldn’t stop myself. Before I begin I want to clarify that English isn’t my first language. Please pardon me in case I make mistakes.

About me: I am from India , I grew up in the capital and am from what you would call as “lower middle class” , (I added “middle” as saving grace.) I love fixing things, I love helping people out, it gives me a sense of importance. I had a hard childhood, I grew up in a broken home, father was never around, but my mother helped me a lot. She ensured I got very good education. As I grew up I studied engineering. Logic and rational thinking have always been my strength. I also used to stutter as a child; hence I was an introverted teenager. In short, I had a hard childhood, fixing compulsions, rescuer tendencies, and a people pleaser — I was the perfect prey for a BPD girl and this is my story.

I don’t want to give her name here, so we will call her, “Ri”. I met Ri online. We chatted for a few months and then exchanged numbers. I loved talking to Ri. India is a mind bogglingly diverse country, language, accent and dialect change every 10 miles or so. I love this thing about my country. I am from a north Indian warrior clan, she was born in an east Indian trader community. We lived more than 1000 miles apart. We were in love before we saw each other. (Yes, I know). After knowing each other for months, Ri decided she would come to New Delhi for higher studies; meanwhile I had left my job to be in a business school close by her and take up an MBA degree.

The first time we met face to face. I was in love. I loved Ri. I loved everything about her. Her long black hair, her beautiful eyes, her voice, her east Indian accent, so I loved Ri and Ri loved me (or that’s what she used to say). The first few months were the honeymoon period. It was bliss. It was perfect.

How can someone love me so much? Me? Me, who had barely ever felt love from the outside world. I knew I would marry Ri. She meant the world to me. As the honeymoon period passed, I noticed a few unusual outbursts. I wrote them off as Ri being a bit on the sensitive side. The more I ignored the red flags, the more they grew worse.

In between, tragedy struck Ri and her family. Her father passed away. She hated her father. She would talk about him in such vile manner; I used to think of him as a horrible man. But when he passed away, Ri was in terrible grief. Every night Ri cried, I was there to console her. But no matter what I said, nothing stopped her. Her sorrow was like a bottomless pit and the way she would put it in words, it was so profound and so deep, I found it overwhelming.

As weeks passed, sorrow gave way to bickering and bickering led to daily arguments over things which were absolutely trivial in nature. Everything was always my fault. Then came a time period when fights became a daily thing. Ri was never physically violent toward me, but what she lacked in physical aggression she made up for in passive aggression, emotional manipulation, no win games and **** tests. She would say the cruelest things to me and yet pretend as if nothing happened and call me again tomorrow. I was the perfect white knight, I never fought back. How could I? Aren’t men supposed to be the silent rock?

Ri is a cutter. No matter how much I told her I loved her, she never stopped it. After every few weeks she would tell me, “last night I cut myself”. These weren’t tiny cuts; they went deep into her flesh. It never occurred to me she may be having psychological issues. Ri was exceptional at academics, just like me. She is a university topper and very well read. She is a high functioning kind. You can never win an argument against her.

Our relationship went from bad to worse. Honeymoon was over, that initial pink haze just disappeared and now I was taking a daily hit from her Fogger 3000 (F.O.G — Fear, Obligation and Guilt). Blame games, truth distortion, emotional reasoning — everything I said would be turned around and used against me.

Then the triangulation started. Enter downgrade future boyfriend. Ri found a drug abuser. The more I tried to keep her away from him, the more she went to him. She started from alcohol and went down to hardcore drugs. It became a daily thing and her behavior would become even more abusive. I found myself even censoring my own words, by now I wanted to say nothing at all, which could set her off.

Her name on my phone would scare me. I immersed myself in studies to distract myself from all the chaos. Ri shares everything with this drug addict. They talk dirty, they share facebook passwords, they spend all their free time together, while I am the sorrow of her life.

Ri would break up with me every week and then taks me back. My self-respect hit rock bottom and I didn’t have the wisdom left to ask myself why? My MBA finished and I found a job in another state. I had to leave Ri and move for a few months, until I could switch jobs and come back close to my hometown.

Ri’s core abandonment fear really came into play then. Ri cut me off. The other guy, he is her everything. He is what I once was. She worships him, while I am discarded. I must have done something to deserve this. May be she is right. May be I couldn’t understand her as she used to complain. May be I am insensitive and cruel. I left my home to start the job in another state.

(To be contd....)
 

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PunkEdge

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(.....Contd)

My first day there, Ri called and told me, she slept with the drug addict. I felt lost. I felt my world was been burnt down. No matter how abusive Ri was to me, I loved her. She was my first love. I cried myself to sleep each night. A strange never-ending depression took me over. I went through my workday and came back to my flat to just sit down and stare into nothing for hours. For 3 months my eyes never really dried.

Ri still called me every 2-3 days to tell me how fabulous her life was. How the drug addict was everything that I am not. I kept trying to tell her how I could be better. No matter what I said I was never good enough. Then one fine day, I got a job offer in my hometown. That’s it, I thought. This is my break! I could win her back now.

I told her I was coming back. Ri told me she was only friends with that boy and wanted us back too. I agreed. I was happy. I would build back that honeymoon period, or so I dreamt. I landed back in New Delhi only to find tht Ri had changed her mind. I felt shattered into a million pieces.

She would give me a ray of hope and then take it away from me. I would go half way around New Delhi just to see her and talk to her and I would find her in such an abusive mood it would be hard to believe. She would verbally abuse me for 2 hours, while all I am supposed to do is hear her out, not utter a word in explanation and just sit there while she rants out at me. Topics of argument are just simply crazy.

Me not remembering her favorite flower, me not being able to read her mind, me not caring enough about her, me not trusting her to spend time with the guy she has just slept with! Me not changing my hairstyle to what she wants! How can I be so insensitive and controlling? After she is done ranting, she has to go; the part where I speak up never comes. 10 months of this on-off relationship has been nothing but me getting used to her stabbing a proverbial knife in me every now and then.

There is nothing more tragic than a man chasing a borderline. What he is actually chasing is his own destruction.

Ri has cheated on me multiple times. She even directed a widespread smear campaign against me. Her friends think I am a terrible person. She has projected everything she is onto me. Ri never attacked me physically, but instead used her downgrade boyfriend to issue death threats to me. If I had not been careful, the chances of violence between him and me were very high. My life was turned into a mix of depression and fear. Then one day I finally broke down. That’s the night I did “it”. I woke up in a hospital the next day from a failed suicide attempt.

The next 2 months, my mother took care of me. I was a wreck. She kept asking me to remove Ri from my life forever, to forget her and move on. While I was idle at work, I googled “painful break up” and “getting over heartbreak.” One site led to another and I found myself on “shrink4men”. The first article I read, “Is your girlfriend a borderline?” blew me away. Everything it says matches to what went down with me. Every other article does, too.

I have found my beacon in pitch black darkness. I read and read till I have read every single article and every single user comment on this site. I went No Contact. In 2 months, the FOG has lifted and liberation has come.

It has been a year since then. Ri has tried hoovering me back many times and failed each time. Downgrade boyfriend has been dumped. All of a sudden, I am back to being the greatest thing that ever happened to her. I see through it all and block her everywhere. I told her about BPD and asked her to seek help. She denied it all and says she is fine.

Where am I today? I have forgiven Ri. It is not her fault that nature made her this way. She is the wolf and I am the sheep. I have sympathy for her but I will never go back to her. A part of my heart has seen through all her masks and sees the really hurt girl to whom life has been cruel. The abuse has shaped her into something she never chose to be. Like I said, I have sympathy for her, but I WON’T be her victim. NEVER AGAIN.

To my brothers who have had a cluster B in their life, this is what I say to you. No matter what kind of hell you are living in or have been through, never take the option of ending your life. Instead, get up and keep walking forward. Keep walking forward, one step at a time.

----------

Here is the link :

http://shrink4men.com/2014/10/08/in-his-own-words-i-tried-to-kill-myself-after-dating-a-borderline-personality-disordered-woman/
 

nikkisixx

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im two faced i hate people nothing wrong with it. money and girls and if shes like me
 

Swede54

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BPD is no joke. But I will put it this way. A BPD woman can be literally the most fun you've ever had, and also the best sex you've ever had. But unless you are seriously a god among men mentally, BPD will take you down with it. Best to avoid, but not saying its impossible to make it work, just expect to have to deal with the worst that there is. Everyone claims they have been with a BPD but it's unlikely, although maybe more common than sources 'say' of the whole 2 percent thing. This test for BPD drops the main symptoms.
 

sosousage

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i think im hard BPD cause.



im probably worse than that but there are no tests that would measure the sicko in me
 

Focal core

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Well what great about getting involved with this girl u get the gift of the borderlines where all your unresolved childhood issues Finally comes to surface where u feel the unimaginable hell of pain on the aftermath.. If ure smart enought to LEARN, HEAL and GROW emotionally and resolved this issue (apart from getting other chick or new car or new house for that temporary bandaids) .. U will get access to new emotion where u burried deep under when you are very young.. Its such a wonderful feeling to get back what u have lost in childhood. Married one.. Never again.
 
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milen4ik

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I know they say these bpd stories are all the same, but this one freaked me out.
 

mightyrobber

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Wow, what a mess.. all these stories are pretty much the same, heres is mine.
Started seeing a girl from tinder, tones of red flags since the beginning (tattoos, daddy issues, bad relationship with mother and father, liked being degraded in bed , insane lying, emotional swings, abusive ex boyfriend, being non binary... i can list things on and on) being super afc decided to treat her super nice, tried to help her, she ended up leaving me for her semi famous ex boyfriend, than she comes back trying to be friends, one night went out with her, bought her a dinner and drinks, asked her if she got home safely, out of nowhere she accuses me of putting roofies in her drinks and tells me how she ended up in er for 5 hours and goes crazy one me. Its impossible to deal with people like that, stay safe out there!
 

Emptyquin200i

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I think Paradox's (temporary) closing of the 'marrying a BPD' thread brings to light the fact that these Cluster-B threads can become long and tedious (more so to members who have been here longer and having seen many). For example, there are more than enough facts, observations, etc in that last couple of larger threads that in theory we could just refer future Cluster 'B' candidates (or should I say victims) to those threads. However, I am not recommending that - just pointing out that the information is now out there.

What I really wanted to address is the concern I have towards feeding Cluster 'B's so much attention by proxy/postmortem. In other words, they are no longer around but look at the sheer amount of MM topic discussion time they are receiving (from both victims and recoverees). In a way, our own repeated posting of details and encounters (even under the flag of saving the victims) is actually preventing us from moving on and ultimately becoming indifferent towards them.

Obviously, a STR or LTR with a Cluster 'B' can leave deep scars. But when do we stop talking about it and move on. When do we stop feeding it energy?

I am quite certain I was wrapped around the axle of a HPD. But she was never diagnosed, would never imagine it possible and would hide it all costs if she were diagnosed.

This brings up another point. Just how many of the posters here have professional diagnosis to back up their theories versus just believing she was a Cluster 'B'? As I read back through the threads, there is not a 100% professional diagnosis rate. And we won't expect 100% diagnosis due to their very disorder. I am sure everyone who has knowledge of a professional diagnosis will chime in to 'prove it'. That's great - but it does not address those who are not sure. Shouldn't those who are unsure at least be man enough to acknowledge that fact up direct and up front.

Now to that 2nd point. How often is the failed STR/LTR really a combination of a guy who is extremely AFC/insecure and the women tries repeatedly to end it in her way (indirect). The AFC doesn't get it and it blows up on him. He finally comes here in search of an answer and being able to diagnose her Cluster 'B' makes him feel better, it wasn't his fault, etc.

The goal of this thread is to discuss just how much energy we should really give to Cluster 'B' diagnosis and AFC recovery. From what I've seen and experienced, this thread could easily turn into "here's what happened to me..." or a "we need to save our boys at all costs..." novel. But I would ask both experienced and newly aware Cluster 'B' believers to comment on the following:

Just how much energy should we (victims) really give to the Cluster 'B' topics after they are long gone? If we continue to recite Cluster 'B' experiences as examples are we not still stuck on them? Wouldn't it perhaps be better to make the lost soul finding this place aware of the Cluster 'B' but then focus on the man's programming and belief systems that did not make him eject when the mirror broke and the reflection was no longer there.

Perhaps an example. A guy comes here after pretty much being broken. He recounts mega bouts of drama anger, push pull, etc. He says in the beginning she was perfect, then one day snapped. He finds out later that she was seeing other guys, two ex's and who know what else. Seeing what he's posted we rush in to tell him he was the victim of a BPD/HPD. That makes him feel better. He starts recounting more things. Board members post more in response to that. In the end we've probably spent 90% (or more) of our efforts diagnosing her and helping the guy justify why he experienced what he did.

But maybe we're missing something. We know that 2 or 3 of every 100 women will have many of the Cluster 'B' symptoms. We know that they feed on the naive, mega-AFC who's most likely prone to lengthy bouts of no intimacy and quite prone to major one-itis. The Cluster 'B' will endlessly feed (date/friendships) with these AFC's because they're easy targets and feed their hunger. So it's no big surprise that your extreme AFC examples who date just once or twice in their lives will bump into these women. To me the big surprise is just how extremely AFC men will allow themselves to be. And maybe these long discussions of specific Cluster 'B' encounters is shielding us from the previous sentence.

Personally, in the end I found the best way to recover from (a undiagnosed) HPD encounter was to feed the topic as little energy as possible and focus on why I didn't see it. Or more simply, I came to the realization that I am the MAN and whether she's a Ginger(HPD) or a Marry-Ann I need to take responsibility for the outcome. I can blame the woman all day long. In the end, that's just who they are and will not change. It's me that needs to take this new found awareness, stop feeding the negative and move forward with my life. There's nothing wrong with recognizing a Cluster 'B'. There's even less wrong with feeding her zero energy afterwards.
I experienced the same thing exiting a relationship being called a narcissist by my then fiancé. I chose therapy to examine if I was and during the process discovered that she in fact had been the one exhibiting the narcissistic cluster B indicators to an extreme degree. This helped me accept and understand the then unexplained madness that occurred during the relationship and brought a closure to my mind about everything. However I noticed an odd draw to dive deeper into videos and articles about this mental illness after I had already gathered all I needed for the purposes I sought them for but there was a sort of odd familiarity and comfort I received the more I diagnosed my ex with more and more examples that I found that also fit furthering my belief that I was the victim and that felt good but I noticed it had become a sort of comfort habit akin to biting your fingernails that it brought on a temporary relief but the cost was I was continuing to dwell on the past and even worse, my ex, every time I looked up the topic and I figured out I was standing in the way of the healing/moving past her process and was by proxy reopening old wounds every time I sought relief from them. I stopped looking into it and the power it had over me slowly subsided eventually. Don't talk to the devil and he won't talk back
 

Epic Days

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18 pages? I got through three. Lol
All a woman has to do to get this much attention is to act crazy. Guys will either come running or start waving hazardous road signs.
 
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Luciferian Shadow

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So true - as I've found out the hard way. Mine was always acting sticky-sweet, but I started to see through it with the way she would put others down (for no reason whatsoever).

I feel so stupid about the whole thing because I bought her hook completely. I had three close friends tell me (of course after the fact) that she seemed 'off' or like she was a phony - trying too hard. Wow do I see it all clearly now. I'm truly terrified of her and what she put me through.

She was always the victim. I read up on the 'waif' and she fits that to a T. She was never the outwardly angry/abusive type, but I once overheard her on the phone with her ex-husband and couldn't believe her behavior / words. Scary stuff...
Exactly. Wow .. 10000% match ..
 

jsim

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i think im hard BPD cause.



im probably worse than that but there are no tests that would measure the sicko in me
Why would anyone be surprised? You are bottom tier genetics, anyone could figure that out just reading a single post of yours lol.
 

krass

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I've always been intrigued by this question, so let's put this out there for the heck of it:

What kind of sex did your bpd give you that got you hooked? I'm asking because the bpd I was with wasn't particularly dirty or kinky in bed. The sex was quite passionate though. How about you guys?
 
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