Newbie - BURNED BAD - Please Help!
I read through this entire thread and think I have finally found an answer to what the heck I got myself into. I have been searching for answers for the last 2+ months. Please help me out - I know this is gonna be long, but could really use your insights. I'm getting along, but have never been so gutted in my life.
Met girl just over year ago (both of us on the tail-ends of our divorces). I was married 12 years, she was married 15. We sparked hard and fast. She came on to me quickly and layed it on thick (very seductive). We were in bed by out third time out (it was beyond amazing and frequent from then on). We got progressively more involved - she was everything I dreamed of... A very smart educator, beautiful, witty, kind, and caring. Within a couple of months she said things like "she was falling for me", "ILU", "I long for you" etc. Throughout this time it was constant push and pull though - she'd get close, then pull away emotionally. This continued on throughout our relationship.
About 4 months in I started to see some red flags (some lies, clingy, possible depression). In one of her episodes of pushing me away she told me "I deserved someone better than her, etc" I got pissed and walked out on her. I was done with the give and take game with her (I thought). 2 days later she called me in a panic, crying telling me she made the worst mistake of her life. We got back together. Things improved for sometime. But, after a month or so, the give and take thing continued. I tried to be patient with her thinking she was just scared (her ex cheated on her and left - so she says).
This whole time I continued to ignore my gut feeling that something was not quite right here - I did this because when times were good, I was flying high. More and more, I started to feel controlled by her though. She never acted outwardly evil to me - quite the opposite, sticky sweet, but she always played the victim role.
Come Nov 09 she began to question me more and more about if I was pulling away from her (I really wasn't). This was also a constant theme throughout the year we were together. I tried to reassure her of this often - again thinking she was scared due to her past and not wanting to get hurt. She started to freak one night when I didn't reply to a text (I had fallen asleep). Within a week, I could sense her pulling away - harder than she had in the past. This continued for a couple of weeks when I found out she had started talking to another guy behind my back (she denied all of this). I broke things off without really knowing if something was up with the other guy. The next day, I called her trying to work things out. She said she didn't want to get back together - she kept giving me vague reasons - "you deserve someone else, etc." She told me she loves me and has feelings for me... She was on a dating site within days. I have not heard from her since. Just weeks earlier, she was direly afraid I would leave her and seemingly in love with me.
She and I spoke everyday for the last year - I was completely blown away by her and she seemed to be by me. I have since concluded by the criteria, that she is most likely BPD. Here are some of the things I noticed:
*I would catch her in lies frequently
*I feel like I've been manipulated and controlled
*She would often tell me how trapped and empty she felt - very lonely
*She told me on a couple of occassions that she was "damaged"
*All my friends thought she seemed fake or like she was acting
*VERY seductive and would always seem to know what to tell me
*Push and pull dynamic
*Very afraid of abandonment
*Would talk about how great her family and friends were to others, but her family was a mess - constant fighting and ignoring each other and she would tell me that her friends don't relate to her at all
*She complained/hated her life, job, situation, etc (and she's got it pretty good)
*I'm pretty sure she was acting out with sex behind my back now, and know she drank too much frequently to escape
*She would seem content then go to depressed and sad often
*She seems to have just flipped the switch and cut me out of her life (I have not tried to contact her again - I did twice post breakup).
*In hindsight, her words and actions never lined up
I too feel like I'm addicted to her. I've never been so crushed in my life - I am much better than I was. I am in total shock and confusion. WTH happened here???? We seemed to be getting to a point of getting closer just weeks earlier too.
1. Does this sound like BPD to you?
2. I'm afraid of her coming back around in the near future (as much as I miss her etc, I know better now) - Should I change my phone #, etc. I don't want to go back to hurting like I was or to her. Since she seems to have just disappeared, do you think I need to be concerned that she will come back around and contact me?
Thanks so much - sorry for the long post.