The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[jamesfromhouston]

Day 60 from a Dumpee

Hi guys, I've been lurking on this thread for awhile. Found it and this amazing community immediately after my break up 60 days ago. Easily scoured through 400+ pages in the first week of break up. I found the experiences and insights here helpful in one my darkest points.

I promised myself that I would give back in some form and at the very least, share my very own NC 60 experience when it came to it. So here it is. Hopefully some of you might find value from this. I want to be as authentic as possible with you all.

I'll try to keep things short and in sections:

Background Story

I dated a girl I met in NYC during an internship for close to 2 years. We were largely living in different states and COVID really took a toll on the logistics of the relationship because of all the restrictions. But the breaking point really stemmed from the fact that I was actually in an existing relationship with another person. Although it was also a relationship that I was working on ending so I could really focus on the girl. (Its a long story and no moral judgment needed here, I understand my predicament). I thought it could be sorted quietly and easily. Eventually, she found out and immediately dumped me without saying a word. She ghosted me. For the first few days, I called, messaged, emailed and begged but she never responded. It was just absolute silence. Realising there was no way around it, it was really the end, I soon decided to go NC and accept it.

Week 1 - 3

The first 3 weeks were definitely the hardest. Especially they first week, I literally felt like my soul had left my body. Life was in a perpetual state of being bland. I had no appetite, I had no joy to do anything, going to work was terrible, I felt like a part of me had been lost. It was almost like I was a zombie. I would say going through this during Covid was probably the worst because I was not able to go out and meet friends, socialise or even date. It was depressing, painful and devastating.

These painful feelings persisted for about a few weeks. The whole time I was also constantly going back to the past, analysing where I went wrong, and all these negative aspects of myself during the relationship. Oddly, she became this saint-like figure, and she was this amazing thing that I had lost. During these weeks, I literally could not imagine how I could ever feel better. I really could not look beyond the pain I found myself in. I even started to wonder if I would be permanently stuck in this rut.

I think after week 2, I really started to scour onto the internet, SoSuave and read through all relevant content to find a solution. Eventually, I started to pick up a daily habit of gym, read self-help, watch motivational videos and actively worked to get over the pain I found myself in.


Week 4 - 6

From week 3 to 4, it was hard to build and habitualize my new routine, but I really wanted to work on myself. So I really stuck to it. I won't lie, at this point, I carried with me a glimmer of hope that perhaps if I worked on myself and get better, at some point, she will contact me and notice the difference and come back to me. Also much of reading I did on this NC thread, was also searching for other people's NC experiences and seeing when the girl comes back. Reading people's experiences of how 'they always come back', gave me a lot of hope and I tried to build a benchmark of at which NC points, they usually come back. I later realise this was a mistake. Because after week 4, I still received nothing from her, not even a crumb. It saddened me but also slowly opened me up to a realisation that perhaps she will not come back ever.

By week 4 onwards, I started to enjoy some of the new habits I picked up. I had been gyming everyday, reading and journalling everyday, watching documentaries. I started to realise that the painful energy I had experienced from the outset had actually propelled me to slowly rediscover and improve myself. I started to lose weight and became fit , which gave me confidence. I started to read into masculinity, slowly discovered the red-pill community, Rollo and Rich's works, it gave me better insights into things. After week 4, I started to really get back into dating.

I have to admit the first few dates were horrible. A part of me had been benchmarking the girls I met with my ex, comparing their appearances, their vibes, etc. This was definitely not helpful and I left those dates feeling very empty. It was also quite painful to have these dates happen in some of the places I've been with my ex. I would have flashbacks. But I kept going. I lined up dates almost every week. Mainly with 7's.

By week 5, probably from the combination of working on myself and dating, I started to feel less and less of the grip from the pains I've experienced. I think things were certainly hastened when I started to get a lot of plates spinning. I was getting attentions from girls, I was also trying new things for my own personal work and that kept me occupied. It was really on a first date with a 10 one night at an amazing lounge where there were sparks, I started to realise that I was actually getting better and I was really thinking about the ex less and less. I started to have some fun with my life and thought to myself that I could never had lived like this with my ex who was a very controlling and manipulative person in her own right. It was also after 5 weeks, I started to see for the first time, all the flaws that she carried into our relationship as well. She was far from perfect.

I won't lie, by this point, I was still missing her to a degree, I still had flashbacks but the pain was really, really dissipating. It wasn't as debilitating as it was before. I was finally starting to enjoy my life. I was moving on.

Week 7 - Day 60

From week 7 onwards, the hope of her contacting me dissipated. There was undeniable finality to it because it had been over 7 weeks with no crumbs. She had not contacted me in any form, stalked me or left any traces of interest in checking in on me. Although that might have hurt me deeply weeks earlier, by this point, I was fine with it. The excruciating pain I had is quickly disappearing. This potent painful energy that had so compelled me to self-improvement was evaporating. In a strange way, I started to slow down a bit on self-improvement; in a way, I miss the pain I felt, because it was during the moments, I had the fuel to really push myself. I am still working on my path of self-improvement and consciously keeping myself in check.

By the week 7 and onwards point, I have had many dates with girls from 7s to 10s. I made out with 3 of them, 2 models and a cute blonde. Intimacy wasn't as enjoyable as I thought it would be, but the chase, build-up and entire experience of dating gave me some short term highs that reminded me there was more fun to be had beyond my ex. It also really melted these rose lenses I had of my ex. I suppose one of her most addictive aspect to me in a way was the intimacy she brought, but I started to realise that beyond the fun we had, there were serious issues and it was hard to imagine us continuing our relationship any further. I've not yet had sex with any of my new plates yet, although I am confident I will be soon.

Close to day 60, I no longer feel the deep pain I felt from the beginning. I can safely say that time has helped me moved on, although I am not completely over her, her spell has largely worn off. Realistically, I don't think I would ever want to be with her again, it was hard to imagine us working out in the future. At the same time, I've not yet found a girl that gives me the sort of high she did, but I believe I will in due time.

Day 60 - Her contact?

She did not contact me. At this point, given the duration, I don't think she would. But I will just keep on living. (If I get anything from her, I will definitely update here).


(continued in next post).

 

[jamesfromhouston]

(continued from my last post, above).

Lessons/Insights I Learnt from NC60

- Pain is a great motivator for change. It's beautiful. I watched a bunch of breakup movies in the first few weeks. The one that stuck to me the most was Swingers and in particular, the scene where the good friend gives a speech along the lines that you'll feel excruciating pain but eventually you just don't and you start to miss the pain you felt. I can definitely attest to this, I'm at a point now where I sort of miss the pain I felt during the first few weeks because it was during those moments where I was most vulnerable that I felt most alive and it was those moments that propelled me to change as a person.

- Hypergamy/War Bride is real. Swallow the Red Pill. Initially I had access to my ex's accounts for the first 2 weeks. I logged in to check how she was taking the break up. (Subsequently, I logged out because I did not want to dwell on it forever). Almost immediately on the day of the breakup, she started to monkey-branch. She got in contact with more than 20 guys, most of whom were guys she told me were just friends, not to worry about and immediately started to find white knights and simps. She also started to date, flirt and I believe sext some of them. On the day of the break up, she instantly went on a date with a total stranger. I was very shocked initially by how and why she could do this so quickly whereas I was hurting and had no mood. However after discovering Rollo and Rich's stuff, it totally makes sense now. As much as I would have found their work misogynistic initially had it not for this incident, it honestly reflects the truth in what I saw. After reading more into red-pill mentality and watching a lot of Rich's videos, it really started to change how I see girls today. It is an uncomfortable truth at the beginning when you swallow it but it gives you more perspective and prevents long term confusion and disappointment in what you expect from women. It's made me much cooler and probably for the better.

- Gym and self improvement. I've been gyming for over 33 days now. I've also been intensely running everyday for about 50 days. Aside from that, I stopped gaming, watching as much TV and have been reading a lot. I can say that this really helped with my situation. Working on myself gave me a focus beyond the girl. It also led to some improvements that led to more confidence. I am no sports scientist but gyming and pushing myself everyday made me feel more accomplished, gave me more energy and just felt better in general. I also realised how much I lagged behind physically and mentally when I was with the girl, so rediscovering self-improvement was probably one of the biggest outcomes of the breakup. Although its only been 60 days, I am curious to see where this journey takes me and what sort of outcomes I can expect.

- Dating after breakup. I hopped back on OLD. Initially it really sucked. I felt no mood to talk to anyone, to set up plates and dates. However, after finding some female chat buddies, going out on dates and kiss closing, I can say it does help in giving you more perspective and makes you realise that other girls exist in this world. Although I've yet to find a girl that I am just insane about, I have no doubt that I will at some point. Getting attention from other girls is a good distraction in the mean time and spinning plates does really help you in moving on from the break up. I'm actually setting up a hotel date for tomorrow with a girl that I am planning to f*ck so we will see how that goes.

- Rose lenses and she's the one. I was focused on how great she was and how bad I was during the first few weeks. But after my emotions stabilised, I started to see the truth. She really was not that great and I was not that bad, I had committed and dedicated a lot in the relationship. There were also a lot of red flags with her in the relationship that I really did not see when we were dating. Honestly, I probably would not date her in a serious way ever again if given a chance. I see all the troubles now, and thinking back when I was with her, I really was blinded and I sacrificed so much of myself, my own development and was largely betatized by her. Sometimes you really need to step back and reflect.

- They always come back and finality. Mine didn't. Who is to say she won't for the foreseeable future but I think one of my mistakes was to carry on to the hope that she will come back. That led to a lot of false hope and general sadness. I think its important to have a finality that she will not come back, yes it sucks, but it's time to pick up your life together and build a better one for greater adventures. The funny thing is, I really wanted her to come back, I wanted things to be back to normal again, but honestly now that everything has been broken, I really don't know if I would ever want her back in the same way as before. Probably at most, a f*ck buddy.

- Time heals and 60 NC. Time truly heals. NC 60 is really really worth it. Its hard to explain this to anyone reading this who is prospectively starting NC but as much as it hurts in the beginning with each passing time the feelings dissipate. The hurt really does go away and you really gain a new perspective. You will feel yourself getting better and better without her, just give it time and focus on yourself.

- Does the pain/feelings go away? Its now been 60 days, and the answer is yes and no. Yes, in that you won't feel that excruciating pain you felt in the beginning. But no for me because it gets replaced with this sense of a yearning/memory of the good times, that pops up occasionally. So pain sort of changes from a feeling of being stabbed, to this overall mellow wave that comes from time to time but goes. I guess they're just memories of the good times you had and depending on how you see it, it could be something you cherish.

- Final Remarks. Its funny now looking back at my experience and the lessons I learnt, it echoes very much many of the advice given by others who had been through 60 days (or more) of NC. Some of these advice/insights, I did not want to accept. I believe my case would be different, I really wanted her to come back and wanted that 'magical' relationship back again. But now I realised, its just part of our stubborn nature. Collectively, we should just accept the truth and really take these advice to heart, it would save you from much heartache and wasted time.

In conclusion, I am still very much on this journey of recovery and I know most of us here, and coming here might be from different countries and backgrounds but we're all men trying to move on.

I am very thankful to everyone here and its' great we have this community.

Peace,

-James

 

[Goldrex]

Day 4. I think I’m starting to miss her more, she occupies my thoughts more frequently. I keep telling myself she wasn’t a good fit for me. I remind myself of all her negative qualities, and the fact that I’d never want her around my own daughter. I still miss having someone to spend time with. I’ve been trying to occupy my time with gym and walks, it helps a little.

 

[Grinderman]

Still pissed about her calling the cops, but I still kinda miss her too.

Just remember she is a rat bastard. Why would you miss having a rat bastard in your life. Only rats would call the police on you. You don't want that in your life. Let the diseased rat fvck off back to the sewer. Ratting to the police means she is a liability and can't be trusted.

I don’t know if I miss her or just having sex with her.

You better investigate this and sort it out because it will repeat itself. You could be attracting the wrong kind of person based on whatever childhood attachments you were brought up with. For example there is a poster here @EyeBRollin or something and it's clear the guy has unresolved childhood abandonment issues. How? The fella "dates" two points below his own "perceived" SMV level knowing full well that these uglier women will attach themselves to him and never quit him no matter what. Notice a pattern in his posts, she will push for a relationship and is in control of whether it ends or not. He avoids being abandoned by only going for low smv women and never pushes anything with a female of the same or higher smv fearing he will get attached and they will leave him.

She wasn’t a very good person.

Game, set and match. No integrity she doesn't cross your boundaries. Very simple rule.

She’d resort to physical violence sometimes.

So was that her being an asset or a liability to you? Adding or subtracting to your life?

Be grateful everyday that you are free. Seriously express gratitude.

 

[Mister_Skinny_Jeanz]

(continued from my last post, above).

Lessons/Insights I Learnt from NC60

- Pain is a great motivator for change. It's beautiful. I watched a bunch of breakup movies in the first few weeks. The one that stuck to me the most was Swingers and in particular, the scene where the good friend gives a speech along the lines that you'll feel excruciating pain but eventually you just don't and you start to miss the pain you felt. I can definitely attest to this, I'm at a point now where I sort of miss the pain I felt during the first few weeks because it was during those moments where I was most vulnerable that I felt most alive and it was those moments that propelled me to change as a person.

- Hypergamy/War Bride is real. Swallow the Red Pill. Initially I had access to my ex's accounts for the first 2 weeks. I logged in to check how she was taking the break up. (Subsequently, I logged out because I did not want to dwell on it forever). Almost immediately on the day of the breakup, she started to monkey-branch. She got in contact with more than 20 guys, most of whom were guys she told me were just friends, not to worry about and immediately started to find white knights and simps. She also started to date, flirt and I believe sext some of them. On the day of the break up, she instantly went on a date with a total stranger. I was very shocked initially by how and why she could do this so quickly whereas I was hurting and had no mood. However after discovering Rollo and Rich's stuff, it totally makes sense now. As much as I would have found their work misogynistic initially had it not for this incident, it honestly reflects the truth in what I saw. After reading more into red-pill mentality and watching a lot of Rich's videos, it really started to change how I see girls today. It is an uncomfortable truth at the beginning when you swallow it but it gives you more perspective and prevents long term confusion and disappointment in what you expect from women. It's made me much cooler and probably for the better.

- Gym and self improvement. I've been gyming for over 33 days now. I've also been intensely running everyday for about 50 days. Aside from that, I stopped gaming, watching as much TV and have been reading a lot. I can say that this really helped with my situation. Working on myself gave me a focus beyond the girl. It also led to some improvements that led to more confidence. I am no sports scientist but gyming and pushing myself everyday made me feel more accomplished, gave me more energy and just felt better in general. I also realised how much I lagged behind physically and mentally when I was with the girl, so rediscovering self-improvement was probably one of the biggest outcomes of the breakup. Although its only been 60 days, I am curious to see where this journey takes me and what sort of outcomes I can expect.

- Dating after breakup. I hopped back on OLD. Initially it really sucked. I felt no mood to talk to anyone, to set up plates and dates. However, after finding some female chat buddies, going out on dates and kiss closing, I can say it does help in giving you more perspective and makes you realise that other girls exist in this world. Although I've yet to find a girl that I am just insane about, I have no doubt that I will at some point. Getting attention from other girls is a good distraction in the mean time and spinning plates does really help you in moving on from the break up. I'm actually setting up a hotel date for tomorrow with a girl that I am planning to f*ck so we will see how that goes.

- Rose lenses and she's the one. I was focused on how great she was and how bad I was during the first few weeks. But after my emotions stabilised, I started to see the truth. She really was not that great and I was not that bad, I had committed and dedicated a lot in the relationship. There were also a lot of red flags with her in the relationship that I really did not see when we were dating. Honestly, I probably would not date her in a serious way ever again if given a chance. I see all the troubles now, and thinking back when I was with her, I really was blinded and I sacrificed so much of myself, my own development and was largely betatized by her. Sometimes you really need to step back and reflect.

- They always come back and finality. Mine didn't. Who is to say she won't for the foreseeable future but I think one of my mistakes was to carry on to the hope that she will come back. That led to a lot of false hope and general sadness. I think its important to have a finality that she will not come back, yes it sucks, but it's time to pick up your life together and build a better one for greater adventures. The funny thing is, I really wanted her to come back, I wanted things to be back to normal again, but honestly now that everything has been broken, I really don't know if I would ever want her back in the same way as before. Probably at most, a f*ck buddy.

- Time heals and 60 NC. Time truly heals. NC 60 is really really worth it. Its hard to explain this to anyone reading this who is prospectively starting NC but as much as it hurts in the beginning with each passing time the feelings dissipate. The hurt really does go away and you really gain a new perspective. You will feel yourself getting better and better without her, just give it time and focus on yourself.

- Does the pain/feelings go away? Its now been 60 days, and the answer is yes and no. Yes, in that you won't feel that excruciating pain you felt in the beginning. But no for me because it gets replaced with this sense of a yearning/memory of the good times, that pops up occasionally. So pain sort of changes from a feeling of being stabbed, to this overall mellow wave that comes from time to time but goes. I guess they're just memories of the good times you had and depending on how you see it, it could be something you cherish.

- Final Remarks. Its funny now looking back at my experience and the lessons I learnt, it echoes very much many of the advice given by others who had been through 60 days (or more) of NC. Some of these advice/insights, I did not want to accept. I believe my case would be different, I really wanted her to come back and wanted that 'magical' relationship back again. But now I realised, its just part of our stubborn nature. Collectively, we should just accept the truth and really take these advice to heart, it would save you from much heartache and wasted time.

In conclusion, I am still very much on this journey of recovery and I know most of us here, and coming here might be from different countries and backgrounds but we're all men trying to move on.

I am very thankful to everyone here and its' great we have this community.

Peace,

-James

thank you for sharing your story man

 

[NSX-R]

Yesterday she reached out AGAIN begging me to unblock her from everywhere. Off course i didn’t, actually i haven’t seen it yet on iMessage and won’t be seeing it for the reason to not give her the slightest validation that i took the message . I’m in a position right now that i find it very funny but also sad because she got the rejection slap right in her face and she still tries to come in contact with me . Off course that’s not gonna happen. Personally i don’t believe she’s doing it just because she wants me back but because she wants to get her ego back and blame me for everything and let her subconscious feel ok after everything she’s done . Basic tactical female move . I let her live with the guilt, i don’t give a shyt about her at all anymore . The reason i update this post is because i want to show how low women can get and now it can get more lower .

She just reached out .... once .... again . This time she wished me happy birthday cause i had my birthday . I was very very close to break and respond to her with something like “thank you” or similar, i was still very close till few minutes ago until i decided i should delete the message without seeing it to remove any urges . I don’t know what’s going on really. Had lots of new hbs today following me because my friends were uploading stories with me wishing me happy birthday, i got even 2 invites from 2 very attractive women that i wanted to fck for a long time and turned them all down . The reason was as soon as she send me the message , i went on limp mode and got really stressed something that’s really rare on me . ( I’m very laid back type and seem like I’m Zero effected) . I don’t know what’s wrong with me . I’m experiencing an emotional oneitis atm but hopefully my mind is in charge and i have not yet done anything stupid .
I still have many questions that I’d love to know the answer like , what does she want from me , how and why did she remembered my birthday and what does she expect from me to do after all that . I gave far too many chances than i usually do , i gave her the time , i was around her for some time and the choice she made was to not show up even just to say hi .
I’m thinking to block her number to completely distance myself from her but i don’t want to give her the pleasure of ending it completely . I want her to feel the rejection as much as she can by knowing that i received the message but ignored it or something similar. Maybe is the wrong choice, i maybe change it later but for now no response from me in any sort whatsoever. I really hope and believe, she wont be reaching again any time soon or at all .
That was the first time that i was so close to respond since the time that i blocked her
i want your opinions

 

[scarface701]

The truth is... why is a bullsh*t question. It doesn’t matter why. It did happen. She did what she did.

Women always leave crumbs for men to follow behind.... It’s not because they GAF about you... but BC they want the ego boost of having a following. It can be a happy bday or an IMY here and there... and TBH it may be sincere... but she may never intend on acting on those words....with women you always have to look at their actions... words literally have no meaning to women. This is hard for men to understand BC we are raised that our word is our bond.

I have a women in my life... that has been there on/off for years. We are both in relationships but for years ...I’ve written to her from time to time.... she always responds via Twitter. Recently I told her to F off that it was dumb and I wanted nothing to do with her anymore. She still throws the fishhook out to see if I’ll bite....with posts like... “you can miss what you never had”.... or pictures of women crying....to show she’s sad.... but it’s just words. It’s just a game. I’ll never write to her again. ONLY GIVE TIME TO WOMEN WHO PUT ACTION TO THEIR WORDS.

 

[returnofpigman]

...continued



2. When you accept this challenge, post here and your time/date stamp will be recorded for accuracy. You will do this for 60 days.

3. No Contact will be initiated for 60 Days from the date that you post. This mean NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER...and I mean NONE. (Including going to picture sites and myspace/or like sites)

4. If you work with your ex, you can still accept the challenge. You cannot do ANYTHING to contact your ex UNLESS it is work related ONLY.

5. If you accept this challange, I would like a post every couple of days on how you are feeling and what you are doing to pass the time. I am hoping by doing this, others will read and try to help themselves is they have a moment of weakness.

6. If you have contact with your ex BY YOUR DOING..YOU MUST POST WHY YOU DID IT AND HOW YOU FEEL RIGHT AFTER. No exceptions.

7. If your ex contacts you, UNLESS IT IS AN EMERGENCY, or there are children involved, you cannot respond. PERIOD. If you do, see rule 5.

8. If an ex comes over or tries to see you physically, this DOES NOT COUNT AGAINST YOU, BUT you MUST POST.

9. After the 60 days of No Contact has past, you must reread all of your daily threads and write a conclusion based on what you felt when you started and how you feel 60 days later.

10. When you post every couple of days, please put what day number you are on of the 60 day challenge so that other members can see how you are doing.

I would like for this to happen because I want other to read the progression involved in the NO CONTACT process.


If you do NOT feel you are up to the challenge, ... still do it! Don't be a chode and give her attention and try to work things out. 99% of times, it makes it worse. We are man, not little flower girls!


I wish you all the best....and GOOD LUCK.


If you accept my challenge, you will be very surprised at the end result.

I was transformed when i finished the NO Contact Challenge in 8/2007, and i thank Superdave71 for being the original person who started this at Enotalone. This challenge helped me out really well, and you will not regret it. If ANYONE can come up with more rules, PLEASE suggest, so I can update them. I will be happy to listen.


Index:

inspired slash "Researched" by Superdave71 No Contact Challenge, ( over 2000 pages!):
http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=164214

I don’t think 60 days will result in me wanting her back.

 

[Grinderman]

Really surprisingly good advice from Bill Burr

 

[PRW63]

Well, I don't do "No Contact" as if it is a "thing",...a "noun".

If I have a reason to contact someone I do,...if I don't then I don't. But everyone I date or have dated run in the same circle of friends that I do (it is usually how I met them). So if we break up (no matter who dumps who) I just stop offering dates,...simple,...mission accomplished. We will still be hanging out with the same group of friends at the same time. I have sat at a large table in a restaurant where 4 women at the table I have either dated or offered dates to,...most of them knew about each other,...everyone gets along. I don't have any problems.

 

[Baibars]

Called my Ex yesterday after 7 months. She's the mom of my kids and i decited to stop talking to her because i was attached to her. She was also making things difficult with the kids. That's why i decided to cut her off and talk to a lawyer.
Didn't see my kids since then and the visitation agreements is still in the court process.

She owes me money and back then she asked me for it because she couldn't pay the rent. I was worried about the kids and gave her the money. She even swore through text that she'd give it back but now she claims she doesn't have to.

She was really cold on the phone and told me again that she won't give me my money. Told me that how bad of a father i am because i never ask for my kids then hung up.
Didn't call her back but i just felt bad for some reason. I always took care of my kids before things escalated because of her. I had to draw a line and get this visitation agreement so i can minimize the drama and move on with my life.

Women really live in their own world. She's totally wrong and still dares to tell me that I'm the bad guy even though she banged a bunch of guys after she dumped me and has 0 morals.
She's in a relationship with another guy now. It's not like i don't care at all because my kids are involved but i don't react like the chump i was before. It just occupies my thoughts from time to time.

 

[Barrister]

Called my Ex yesterday after 7 months. She's the mom of my kids and i decited to stop talking to her because i was attached to her. She was also making things difficult with the kids. That's why i decided to cut her off and talk to a lawyer.
Didn't see my kids since then and the visitation agreements is still in the court process.

She owes me money and back then she asked me for it because she couldn't pay the rent. I was worried about the kids and gave her the money. She even swore through text that she'd give it back but now she claims she doesn't have to.

She was really cold on the phone and told me again that she won't give me my money. Told me that how bad of a father i am because i never ask for my kids then hung up.
Didn't call her back but i just felt bad for some reason. I always took care of my kids before things escalated because of her. I had to draw a line and get this visitation agreement so i can minimize the drama and move on with my life.

Women really live in their own world. She's totally wrong and still dares to tell me that I'm the bad guy even though she banged a bunch of guys after she dumped me and has 0 morals.
She's in a relationship with another guy now. It's not like i don't care at all because my kids are involved but i don't react like the chump i was before. It just occupies my thoughts from time to time.

Why are you not seeing your kids? After 7 months your lawyer should have some type of agreement worked out or you should have had a hearing to determine your visitation rights at a bare minimum. No Contact should not be adhered to at the expense of your children. If I were you I would be fighting this broad tooth and nail. Unfortunately, not seeing your kids for 7 months has probably created a big problem for your future visitation.

 

[Baibars]

Why are you not seeing your kids? After 7 months your lawyer should have some type of agreement worked out or you should have had a hearing to determine your visitation rights at a bare minimum. No Contact should not be adhered to at the expense of your children. If I were you I would be fighting this broad tooth and nail. Unfortunately, not seeing your kids for 7 months has probably created a big problem for your future visitation.

That’s totally my fault. I don’t have much money at the moment because I gave up working full time so I can learn a skill.
The government here supports people who can’t afford a lawyer but all the bureaucracy takes a ton of time and they don’t help you as much when you don’t pay them much.
She also prolonged the process by going to her lawyer and trying to take all my parental rights by claiming I’m abusive even though I don’t even talk to her and there is no abuse from my side. That’s how she responded to a basic every other weekend visitation agreement.

I could see my kids if I’d submit to her rules. She was dropping the kids at my house before whenever she wanted and treated me like a doormat because she knew excactly how much i love the kids. I had to deal with the breakup and all the consequences so I wasn’t in a good mental state and her games made it even worse.
I had basically no other choice than cutting her out If I wanted to keep my self respect and move on.

 

[Barrister]

That’s totally my fault. I don’t have much money at the moment because I gave up working full time so I can learn a skill.
The government here supports people who can’t afford a lawyer but all the bureaucracy takes a ton of time and they don’t help you as much when you don’t pay them much.
She also prolonged the process by going to her lawyer and trying to take all my parental rights by claiming I’m abusive even though I don’t even talk to her and there is no abuse from my side. That’s how she responded to a basic every other weekend visitation agreement.

I could see my kids if I’d submit to her rules. She was dropping the kids at my house before whenever she wanted and treated me like a doormat because she knew excactly how much i love the kids. I had to deal with the breakup and all the consequences so I wasn’t in a good mental state and her games made it even worse.
I had basically no other choice than cutting her out If I wanted to keep my self respect and move on.

When she dropped them off you should have just kept them and told her to get lost when she tried to get them back. I don’t know what jurisdiction you’re in but you need to get more proactive with this or you could have some major problems getting any normal visitation in the future.

 

[jamesfromhouston]

Day 90 from a Dumpee

Thought I would give an update to my NC journey, hope it helps some. It has now been 3 months of NC.

(If you have not yet read it, I detailedly documented my 60 days journey in one single post in my last entry with all the lessons I gathered on Page 605).

Breadcrumbs & Contact

I think most of us scour the forums to form a mental benchmark of when they come back or start to contact. It has been often stated that 90 days is the magic number before they come back. Well, she did not contact me at all or leave any forms of breadcrumbs. Not a single spec. In a way this causes a certain level of sadness (not sharp pain) in me, there was a part of me that expected (from the online benchmarks) that I would get something at least. Although I half expect this desire for breadcrumbs to come from ego. Yet the stark difference in behaviour is very surprising; while we were together it was as if she could not live without me, she contacted me everyday, and could not live without my attention. Now its as if I never existed at all. It makes me wonder how she is taking the 90 days. (Most likely she has found a rebound). In any case, I very much recommend Rollo's books because my experience has shown to me it speaks high truths about women and their psychology; I am trying to unplug as much as I can. The finality of the relationship being completely erased is becoming harder and harder to deny.

Yearning & Pain

The overall emotional pain of the first few weeks has more or less vanished. I am able to go to many places we had visited without feeling the deep melancholy that I felt before. This is a substantial change. However, I spoke in my last post about a mellow sense of 'yearning' that sits beneath the surface that occasionally arises. There were many times in the past month it has resurfaced and I find myself missing past her (and our past moments) deeply. Although it isn't the sort of debilitating pain at the beginning of NC, the yearning has at times caused me to crawl the Internet to look for NC threads and has caused issues in my productivity at work. I suppose I don't know how to manage these emotions yet. In my last entry, I questioned whether this yearning will ever go away. Now, I am of the opinion that they might just represent cherished memories that will just always be a part of me; perhaps it would be impossible to rid them entirely and perhaps this isn't a bad thing in itself. Perhaps we should attempt to not judge these yearnings and just embrace them; rather than see it as an enemy to rid (because I am unable to rid it) we should just embrace it wholeheartedly. I am working on learning how to cope with them more productively.

Self-Improvement

I have continued my habit of improving myself. It is now part of my daily routine and feels natural to me. I can confidently say I have focused and improved on myself more in the last 3 months than I have over a period of 2 years when I was with the girl. The relationship definitely betatized me and stalled my own development. The girl tried to control and diminish me for her own security and selfish interests while she was constantly operating on a different standard. I have worked out almost everyday for the past 3 months (to be exact it has been 60 days of weights and 30 days of intense cardio), this has led to some noticeable changes. Physically my body has changed slightly, I have become more fit, lost fat and currently working on gaining muscle; some people have noticed it. Whilst mentally, I feel incredibly confident over my own body and no longer feel fat and undesirable. The mental, confidence and energy boosts from just working out cannot be overstated. I have actually done more book reading in the last 3 months than I have for years. I have very little interests in movies and TV nowadays; as I find reading to be a more enjoyable and relaxing experience. I've also been working a lot on building my Instagram presence and this has definitely skyrocketed and led to a lot of plates and interests from girls. Although my self-improvement has skyrocketed, the rate and intensity has also waned with time due to the dissipating emotional pain. As mentioned in my last post, it turned out the pain was a blessing because it was a fuel that took me forward but now its running out (a part of me wanted to be the guy she missed out on) but I need to find an alternative to propel me forward as I need to focus on doing these for me.

Sleeping With Other Women As A Cure

When I first broke up and started NC, I really wanted to hook up badly. I thought hooking up would be the absolute cure to the pain I was experiencing at the time. For logistical reasons, due to the fact that I was manipulated by my ex into self-isolation with 0 plates around me and also personal reasons, where I wanted to also work on myself; I was unable to hook up immediately. Although I was so convinced and confident that sex was the key to solving pain. I can now say after 3 hook ups with 3 very sexy plates (1 of whom is a top influencer) and countless make outs with other plates; not to mention many strings of dates; this really isn't a cure. My experience has been after the initial high, it quickly dissipates (usually within a day) and then you're back to square 1. You could ofcourse actively chase the high and try to do it again and again and again; but you'll find yourself endlessly setting it up that it becomes tiring and almost routinelike. For example, at one point, I was dating girls almost every night of the week. Perhaps, I haven't met one that has blown me away but my conclusion so far is that sleeping with others will not cure you. It gives you a high thats it. In reflection, working on myself and changing my lifestyle gave me more deeper satisfaction than any girls had in the past 90 days. At this point, I suspect this is the thing that should be worked on. Very much in reflection to what Rollo and Rich has written, chase excellence and chase yourself.

Happiness & The Golden Days Of The Past

Theres a part of me that still looks bad to the days of my past relationship and compares it with my current days. It usually starts with this nostalgic golden lens where I think I was really happy back then when I was with her. But then if I take a moment to observe it objectively, I start to remember how deeply unhappy I was at the time. I felt unfulfilled and often felt manipulated by the girl. My life was also not moving forward, especially on a personal development level. I was very much isolated and had many freedoms of mine challenged. Its easy for nostalgia to convince me that I was happy and those were the golden days; but compared to my life now, things were actually much worst. The only comfort I had then was her. I am now slowly correcting my thinking here as I try to move beyond it and realise the present circumstance, my current progressive life is where I want to be.

Conclusion

So yes, day 90 is not what I expected: I do not hurt in the same day I used to. My lifestyle is much more progressive/improved than it ever was before. The girl never came back or contacted. The yearning/memories do not go away (I thought they would by now). Sleeping with others (even hot girls) though fun does not solve the yearning or make me forget.

I plan to update you guys again in 30 days, or if she ever reaches out/breadcrumbs.

I hope all of you the best and that you found value in my sharing.

- James

 

[ghcortez253]

32 months

 

[NSX-R]

She just reached out .... once .... again . This time she wished me happy birthday cause i had my birthday . I was very very close to break and respond to her with something like “thank you” or similar, i was still very close till few minutes ago until i decided i should delete the message without seeing it to remove any urges . I don’t know what’s going on really. Had lots of new hbs today following me because my friends were uploading stories with me wishing me happy birthday, i got even 2 invites from 2 very attractive women that i wanted to fck for a long time and turned them all down . The reason was as soon as she send me the message , i went on limp mode and got really stressed something that’s really rare on me . ( I’m very laid back type and seem like I’m Zero effected) . I don’t know what’s wrong with me . I’m experiencing an emotional oneitis atm but hopefully my mind is in charge and i have not yet done anything stupid .
I still have many questions that I’d love to know the answer like , what does she want from me , how and why did she remembered my birthday and what does she expect from me to do after all that . I gave far too many chances than i usually do , i gave her the time , i was around her for some time and the choice she made was to not show up even just to say hi .
I’m thinking to block her number to completely distance myself from her but i don’t want to give her the pleasure of ending it completely . I want her to feel the rejection as much as she can by knowing that i received the message but ignored it or something similar. Maybe is the wrong choice, i maybe change it later but for now no response from me in any sort whatsoever. I really hope and believe, she wont be reaching again any time soon or at all .
That was the first time that i was so close to respond since the time that i blocked her
i want your opinions

Broke no contact today . There was a very big fire in her place and it’s been all over the news so i immediately thought of her and texted her that message .“Saw the big fire on the news , i hope it’s not something serious and that you’re away from danger” .
She saw and replied as fast as i texted it . She told me about the situation and I said that I’m glad she’s alright . After half a day she texted me back and asked me how i was doing . Had small convo , asked her if she’s going anywhere this summer for vacation but she don’t know yet . Seemed like she didn’t want to talk or like wanted to avoid it . Anyway , i stopped texting her by then .

I don’t know if it was good or bad to text her considering i blocked her in every place possible, even her phone number when she wished for my birthday but i legit was afraid that something could happen to her.
I do hope i didn’t break my current status but i don’t know . I’m afraid there is still something deep inside of both of us looking for a chance to get back together.I may be wrong. Been with so many females last year and i can’t move on from that one . Back to square one as it seems .

 

[OG64]

i met this girl last year. She works for a relative of mine and i instantly thought she was cute. Talked a little bit but nothing to serious. I didn´t think much of it. About six months later i see her again at the Birthday Party of mentioned relative and we talk again. She tells me she moved to another city but was thinking about moving back (i now realise that this could be because of an ex) . Gave her my Number and told her she should give e a call, so we can hangout when she´s back.

A few later she texts me and we go out for dinner. I brought flowers (I know Beta Move). Had a great time, although she seemed shy at the beginning. Had a second and third date. Then our city went into Lockdown. Couldn´t do much, talked a lot on the Phone. I suggested we should meet at her place and watch a movie. She agreed. That night we had sex. The next few months we talked almost everyday, met up, she cooked for me, had sex. She constantly told e how happy she is when i am with her. Things were great.

Then she started to become cold, didn´t respond for hours and kept having excuses about meeting up. I kept asking a week or so later (which i shouldn´t have done, I know). i then confronted her and asked "what are we". I now cringe just thinking about it. Of course she answered with a "I think we should just be friends". After that i asked if we could meet up and talk about it.

So two days later we met for coffee, i told her i feel as if i like her more than she likes me. And that i was looking for something serious (i now know that i was pressuring myself to getting a Girlfriend. I´m not that good with girls. They all leave me or friendzone me). Scarcity Mindset i guess.
She seemed surprised as i told her if she just sees me as a friend, and that we should stop seeing each other as i am not interested in friendship. We hugged one last time and i left.

For two months we havent had any contact but then i saw her as i was visiting my relative for a business oppurtunity we wanted to discuss. i greeted her politely and that was it. I´m not gonna lie that **** was hard. During the two months of No Contact i was making great progress, worked out, ate better lost 15 pounds. But then i got weak.

I BROKE NO CONTACT. i messaged her and asked if she would like to meet for coffee. She answered that she would like that, but would message me when she has time. Its been three days. I feel ****ing weak and im dissapointed in myself. I gave her control over the situation. Even as i´m writing this i am contemplating just blowing her off when she sends me a message.

Did a lot of research during no contact mostly red pill content, Rational male, Corey wayne. But still couldn´t kill the Beta deeply rooted in me.

I´m done waiting on this Girl and i´m ready to not here from her again. My question now is, should i just ignore her message or meet up with her and tell her that i thought i wanted her back but now realised (after waiting 3+ days fo a text back) that i am over her. Would ignoring her message be another Beta move?

 

[ghcortez253]

Broke no contact today . There was a very big fire in her place and it’s been all over the news so i immediately thought of her and texted her that message .“Saw the big fire on the news , i hope it’s not something serious and that you’re away from danger” .
She saw and replied as fast as i texted it . She told me about the situation and I said that I’m glad she’s alright . After half a day she texted me back and asked me how i was doing . Had small convo , asked her if she’s going anywhere this summer for vacation but she don’t know yet . Seemed like she didn’t want to talk or like wanted to avoid it . Anyway , i stopped texting her by then .

I don’t know if it was good or bad to text her considering i blocked her in every place possible, even her phone number when she wished for my birthday but i legit was afraid that something could happen to her.
I do hope i didn’t break my current status but i don’t know . I’m afraid there is still something deep inside of both of us looking for a chance to get back together.I may be wrong. Been with so many females last year and i can’t move on from that one . Back to square one as it seems .

There was no need for you to contact her. It makes no difference whether she thinks you care about her. You not friends. If she’s not ****ing you, she’s dead to you.

 

[jamesfromhouston]

Day 120 from a Dumpee

Hey guys, it has been roughly 120 days since the start of NC after being dumped. As promised, I'd drop in every 30 days to give some highlights & reflections:

(fyi: my Day 60 post is on Page 605, day 90 post is on Page 606.)

Breadcrumbs

There has still been no contact & breadcrumbs from her. Its now been 3 months. As every day went on since my last update Day 90, the finality of accepting that she will not contact me or ever come back becomes harder to refuse. If she wanted to get back into my life, she would have. So at this point, I believe she has totally moved on, monkey branched or forgotten about me. Honestly, it doesn't really hurt that much anymore thinking about this reality anymore. I mean I've lived like this for 120 days. You sort of just get used to it. There is still a part of me that misses her, but the pain has largely dissipated. There are many days I don't think about her at all. So seriously compared to the first 1 month or 2 months; there is such a great difference.

Sex, Dating & Feeling Better After Being Dumped

I've hooked up with a couple of chicks and had a bunch of flings in the first 3 months. Some of them were smoking hot. Had some monkey sex. But in my experience, sex really did not help me heal as much as my self-improvement did. My experience with sex is that it gives a temporary short of high but the day after, you're back at square one. So for those chasing sex as a form of moving on from this, I'd advise against it. On the other hand, over the past several months, I've been working out, reading, learning and also pursuing new ambitions. The results I've gotten in these areas have overall helped me improve as a person and are bringing me to newer heights than before. These results have actually made me feel more confident about myself and made me feel more satisfied with the amounts of effort I've put in. No doubt they have also helped me gotten more attention from girls. So I suppose the note to myself would be to chase the work and let the girls chase you. The work and self-improvement are actually much more satisfying, fun and help you move on in a deeper way than sex would. (With that said, I am also still on dating apps, I just don't use them as religious as I did in the first 2 months).

Self Improvement After Being Dumped

I do notice some setbacks though. In the beginning months, I was in deep pain and that gave me a lot of fuel which propelled me to intensely work out and pursue self-improvement but now that the pain has largely dissipated, I am becoming less motivated and fuelled to push. I would sometimes slack off a bit; I am afraid of falling off the bandwagon of self-improvement so I am currently making a conscious attempt to move my motivation of improvement from the pain of heartbreak to a general motivation stemming from within myself. But my point here is, break-up is in fact one of the best things that happened to me this year. It pushed me really far and to my very limits and made me yearn for more in life. When I was in the relationship I was way too comfortable. Which on this note, I'd like to share that if I were presented another chance to be with her again or a scenario that the breakup never happened; I would refuse it. The break up really made me grow as a person, she and our relationship were really holding me down from being the best version of me. So as cliche as it sounds, it really is the best thing that has happened to me so far. I think back to my own development of being with her and the duration of our relationship, I was stagnating, declining and being betatized. I deserve to be so much more.

The Idea Of Addiction

Finally, I've been thinking a lot lately on the idea that recovering from being dumped/heartbreak is like recovering from an addiction. I think this is so true. Thinking back to my emotional trajectory and behaviour over the last 4 months, I think much of the symptoms I experienced were those of an addict. Our dysfunctional relationship was so ingrained into my psyche that it really became a part of me. To pull away was one of the most painful things to do. At the very beginning of it, I had intense emotional pain of not having the girl. It was like withdrawal. Even when I began to rationally see the cracks and red flags of our very dysfunctional relationship; I irrationally still wanted her back and would often think about her randomly for months. I'll be honest, even today I do, just much lesser and in a more mellow way. This emotional turmoil deeply affected me and even my work. I would spend so much time searching online for hope of her coming back at some point. But the longer that time went on and the longer I continued to force myself to pull away with no contact, the more clarity I got as to how addicted I was. The most important realisation is that much of the desires to for her contact or get her back at the beginning is just your addiction speaking to you; its you being irrational. It is very painful to break that irrational cycle but it must be done. Addiction only leads to suffering and less power and control in our lives. This episode so far has made me really sympathise with the sort of suffering that drug addicts go through, I realise how difficult it is now.

Some advice for my bros

I think many of my bros who are currently in the early stages or struggling with NC, I know it is very difficult. I've been through it now for 4 months now. I know the hardships we have to go through daily with NC, the deep emotional pain we are in. But it has to be done. With time, you will come to realise that this is the best thing that will happen to you. You existed as a person on a path before you met this girl; most likely she has derailed you off your course and made her the center/purpose of your life. You became addicted. You are addicted now. (I was addicted to the sex appeal of my girl and rationalised other cute/happy stuff, most likely you too). You have to move away from that and gain back control of your life. You are probably wondering whether NC will get her back, I was doing that too. But honestly, at a certain point it doesn't really matter anymore because after NC'ing for a long time, you start to realise maybe she was not that good for you after all. The relationship is most likely problematic or dysfunctional otherwise it would not have ended. So it comes to a situation where you're only cherishing the memories of the beautiful times, overlooking the bad and red flags. After NC for awhile when presented the chance again to be together, you probably wouldn't because of how much growth you could go through without her. So bros, please be aware of this when you are considering whether to NC/break NC. We are men, pain is a part of growth!

I will continue to chart my journey with the next update on day 150. Hang in there bros. Wish us all the best.