Grinderman
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The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)
- Thread starter Daydream Engineer
- Start date
PRW63
Master Don Juan
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Well, I don't do "No Contact" as if it is a "thing",...a "noun".
If I have a reason to contact someone I do,...if I don't then I don't. But everyone I date or have dated run in the same circle of friends that I do (it is usually how I met them). So if we break up (no matter who dumps who) I just stop offering dates,...simple,...mission accomplished. We will still be hanging out with the same group of friends at the same time. I have sat at a large table in a restaurant where 4 women at the table I have either dated or offered dates to,...most of them knew about each other,...everyone gets along. I don't have any problems.
If I have a reason to contact someone I do,...if I don't then I don't. But everyone I date or have dated run in the same circle of friends that I do (it is usually how I met them). So if we break up (no matter who dumps who) I just stop offering dates,...simple,...mission accomplished. We will still be hanging out with the same group of friends at the same time. I have sat at a large table in a restaurant where 4 women at the table I have either dated or offered dates to,...most of them knew about each other,...everyone gets along. I don't have any problems.
Called my Ex yesterday after 7 months. She's the mom of my kids and i decited to stop talking to her because i was attached to her. She was also making things difficult with the kids. That's why i decided to cut her off and talk to a lawyer.
Didn't see my kids since then and the visitation agreements is still in the court process.
She owes me money and back then she asked me for it because she couldn't pay the rent. I was worried about the kids and gave her the money. She even swore through text that she'd give it back but now she claims she doesn't have to.
She was really cold on the phone and told me again that she won't give me my money. Told me that how bad of a father i am because i never ask for my kids then hung up.
Didn't call her back but i just felt bad for some reason. I always took care of my kids before things escalated because of her. I had to draw a line and get this visitation agreement so i can minimize the drama and move on with my life.
Women really live in their own world. She's totally wrong and still dares to tell me that I'm the bad guy even though she banged a bunch of guys after she dumped me and has 0 morals.
She's in a relationship with another guy now. It's not like i don't care at all because my kids are involved but i don't react like the chump i was before. It just occupies my thoughts from time to time.
Didn't see my kids since then and the visitation agreements is still in the court process.
She owes me money and back then she asked me for it because she couldn't pay the rent. I was worried about the kids and gave her the money. She even swore through text that she'd give it back but now she claims she doesn't have to.
She was really cold on the phone and told me again that she won't give me my money. Told me that how bad of a father i am because i never ask for my kids then hung up.
Didn't call her back but i just felt bad for some reason. I always took care of my kids before things escalated because of her. I had to draw a line and get this visitation agreement so i can minimize the drama and move on with my life.
Women really live in their own world. She's totally wrong and still dares to tell me that I'm the bad guy even though she banged a bunch of guys after she dumped me and has 0 morals.
She's in a relationship with another guy now. It's not like i don't care at all because my kids are involved but i don't react like the chump i was before. It just occupies my thoughts from time to time.
Barrister
Master Don Juan
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Why are you not seeing your kids? After 7 months your lawyer should have some type of agreement worked out or you should have had a hearing to determine your visitation rights at a bare minimum. No Contact should not be adhered to at the expense of your children. If I were you I would be fighting this broad tooth and nail. Unfortunately, not seeing your kids for 7 months has probably created a big problem for your future visitation.
That’s totally my fault. I don’t have much money at the moment because I gave up working full time so I can learn a skill.
The government here supports people who can’t afford a lawyer but all the bureaucracy takes a ton of time and they don’t help you as much when you don’t pay them much.
She also prolonged the process by going to her lawyer and trying to take all my parental rights by claiming I’m abusive even though I don’t even talk to her and there is no abuse from my side. That’s how she responded to a basic every other weekend visitation agreement.
I could see my kids if I’d submit to her rules. She was dropping the kids at my house before whenever she wanted and treated me like a doormat because she knew excactly how much i love the kids. I had to deal with the breakup and all the consequences so I wasn’t in a good mental state and her games made it even worse.
I had basically no other choice than cutting her out If I wanted to keep my self respect and move on.
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Barrister
Master Don Juan
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When she dropped them off you should have just kept them and told her to get lost when she tried to get them back. I don’t know what jurisdiction you’re in but you need to get more proactive with this or you could have some major problems getting any normal visitation in the future.
jamesfromhouston
Don Juan
Day 90 from a Dumpee
Thought I would give an update to my NC journey, hope it helps some. It has now been 3 months of NC.
(If you have not yet read it, I detailedly documented my 60 days journey in one single post in my last entry with all the lessons I gathered on Page 605).
Breadcrumbs & Contact
I think most of us scour the forums to form a mental benchmark of when they come back or start to contact. It has been often stated that 90 days is the magic number before they come back. Well, she did not contact me at all or leave any forms of breadcrumbs. Not a single spec. In a way this causes a certain level of sadness (not sharp pain) in me, there was a part of me that expected (from the online benchmarks) that I would get something at least. Although I half expect this desire for breadcrumbs to come from ego. Yet the stark difference in behaviour is very surprising; while we were together it was as if she could not live without me, she contacted me everyday, and could not live without my attention. Now its as if I never existed at all. It makes me wonder how she is taking the 90 days. (Most likely she has found a rebound). In any case, I very much recommend Rollo's books because my experience has shown to me it speaks high truths about women and their psychology; I am trying to unplug as much as I can. The finality of the relationship being completely erased is becoming harder and harder to deny.
Yearning & Pain
The overall emotional pain of the first few weeks has more or less vanished. I am able to go to many places we had visited without feeling the deep melancholy that I felt before. This is a substantial change. However, I spoke in my last post about a mellow sense of 'yearning' that sits beneath the surface that occasionally arises. There were many times in the past month it has resurfaced and I find myself missing past her (and our past moments) deeply. Although it isn't the sort of debilitating pain at the beginning of NC, the yearning has at times caused me to crawl the Internet to look for NC threads and has caused issues in my productivity at work. I suppose I don't know how to manage these emotions yet. In my last entry, I questioned whether this yearning will ever go away. Now, I am of the opinion that they might just represent cherished memories that will just always be a part of me; perhaps it would be impossible to rid them entirely and perhaps this isn't a bad thing in itself. Perhaps we should attempt to not judge these yearnings and just embrace them; rather than see it as an enemy to rid (because I am unable to rid it) we should just embrace it wholeheartedly. I am working on learning how to cope with them more productively.
Self-Improvement
I have continued my habit of improving myself. It is now part of my daily routine and feels natural to me. I can confidently say I have focused and improved on myself more in the last 3 months than I have over a period of 2 years when I was with the girl. The relationship definitely betatized me and stalled my own development. The girl tried to control and diminish me for her own security and selfish interests while she was constantly operating on a different standard. I have worked out almost everyday for the past 3 months (to be exact it has been 60 days of weights and 30 days of intense cardio), this has led to some noticeable changes. Physically my body has changed slightly, I have become more fit, lost fat and currently working on gaining muscle; some people have noticed it. Whilst mentally, I feel incredibly confident over my own body and no longer feel fat and undesirable. The mental, confidence and energy boosts from just working out cannot be overstated. I have actually done more book reading in the last 3 months than I have for years. I have very little interests in movies and TV nowadays; as I find reading to be a more enjoyable and relaxing experience. I've also been working a lot on building my Instagram presence and this has definitely skyrocketed and led to a lot of plates and interests from girls. Although my self-improvement has skyrocketed, the rate and intensity has also waned with time due to the dissipating emotional pain. As mentioned in my last post, it turned out the pain was a blessing because it was a fuel that took me forward but now its running out (a part of me wanted to be the guy she missed out on) but I need to find an alternative to propel me forward as I need to focus on doing these for me.
Sleeping With Other Women As A Cure
When I first broke up and started NC, I really wanted to hook up badly. I thought hooking up would be the absolute cure to the pain I was experiencing at the time. For logistical reasons, due to the fact that I was manipulated by my ex into self-isolation with 0 plates around me and also personal reasons, where I wanted to also work on myself; I was unable to hook up immediately. Although I was so convinced and confident that sex was the key to solving pain. I can now say after 3 hook ups with 3 very sexy plates (1 of whom is a top influencer) and countless make outs with other plates; not to mention many strings of dates; this really isn't a cure. My experience has been after the initial high, it quickly dissipates (usually within a day) and then you're back to square 1. You could ofcourse actively chase the high and try to do it again and again and again; but you'll find yourself endlessly setting it up that it becomes tiring and almost routinelike. For example, at one point, I was dating girls almost every night of the week. Perhaps, I haven't met one that has blown me away but my conclusion so far is that sleeping with others will not cure you. It gives you a high thats it. In reflection, working on myself and changing my lifestyle gave me more deeper satisfaction than any girls had in the past 90 days. At this point, I suspect this is the thing that should be worked on. Very much in reflection to what Rollo and Rich has written, chase excellence and chase yourself.
Happiness & The Golden Days Of The Past
Theres a part of me that still looks bad to the days of my past relationship and compares it with my current days. It usually starts with this nostalgic golden lens where I think I was really happy back then when I was with her. But then if I take a moment to observe it objectively, I start to remember how deeply unhappy I was at the time. I felt unfulfilled and often felt manipulated by the girl. My life was also not moving forward, especially on a personal development level. I was very much isolated and had many freedoms of mine challenged. Its easy for nostalgia to convince me that I was happy and those were the golden days; but compared to my life now, things were actually much worst. The only comfort I had then was her. I am now slowly correcting my thinking here as I try to move beyond it and realise the present circumstance, my current progressive life is where I want to be.
Conclusion
So yes, day 90 is not what I expected: I do not hurt in the same day I used to. My lifestyle is much more progressive/improved than it ever was before. The girl never came back or contacted. The yearning/memories do not go away (I thought they would by now). Sleeping with others (even hot girls) though fun does not solve the yearning or make me forget.
I plan to update you guys again in 30 days, or if she ever reaches out/breadcrumbs.
I hope all of you the best and that you found value in my sharing.
- James
Thought I would give an update to my NC journey, hope it helps some. It has now been 3 months of NC.
(If you have not yet read it, I detailedly documented my 60 days journey in one single post in my last entry with all the lessons I gathered on Page 605).
Breadcrumbs & Contact
I think most of us scour the forums to form a mental benchmark of when they come back or start to contact. It has been often stated that 90 days is the magic number before they come back. Well, she did not contact me at all or leave any forms of breadcrumbs. Not a single spec. In a way this causes a certain level of sadness (not sharp pain) in me, there was a part of me that expected (from the online benchmarks) that I would get something at least. Although I half expect this desire for breadcrumbs to come from ego. Yet the stark difference in behaviour is very surprising; while we were together it was as if she could not live without me, she contacted me everyday, and could not live without my attention. Now its as if I never existed at all. It makes me wonder how she is taking the 90 days. (Most likely she has found a rebound). In any case, I very much recommend Rollo's books because my experience has shown to me it speaks high truths about women and their psychology; I am trying to unplug as much as I can. The finality of the relationship being completely erased is becoming harder and harder to deny.
Yearning & Pain
The overall emotional pain of the first few weeks has more or less vanished. I am able to go to many places we had visited without feeling the deep melancholy that I felt before. This is a substantial change. However, I spoke in my last post about a mellow sense of 'yearning' that sits beneath the surface that occasionally arises. There were many times in the past month it has resurfaced and I find myself missing past her (and our past moments) deeply. Although it isn't the sort of debilitating pain at the beginning of NC, the yearning has at times caused me to crawl the Internet to look for NC threads and has caused issues in my productivity at work. I suppose I don't know how to manage these emotions yet. In my last entry, I questioned whether this yearning will ever go away. Now, I am of the opinion that they might just represent cherished memories that will just always be a part of me; perhaps it would be impossible to rid them entirely and perhaps this isn't a bad thing in itself. Perhaps we should attempt to not judge these yearnings and just embrace them; rather than see it as an enemy to rid (because I am unable to rid it) we should just embrace it wholeheartedly. I am working on learning how to cope with them more productively.
Self-Improvement
I have continued my habit of improving myself. It is now part of my daily routine and feels natural to me. I can confidently say I have focused and improved on myself more in the last 3 months than I have over a period of 2 years when I was with the girl. The relationship definitely betatized me and stalled my own development. The girl tried to control and diminish me for her own security and selfish interests while she was constantly operating on a different standard. I have worked out almost everyday for the past 3 months (to be exact it has been 60 days of weights and 30 days of intense cardio), this has led to some noticeable changes. Physically my body has changed slightly, I have become more fit, lost fat and currently working on gaining muscle; some people have noticed it. Whilst mentally, I feel incredibly confident over my own body and no longer feel fat and undesirable. The mental, confidence and energy boosts from just working out cannot be overstated. I have actually done more book reading in the last 3 months than I have for years. I have very little interests in movies and TV nowadays; as I find reading to be a more enjoyable and relaxing experience. I've also been working a lot on building my Instagram presence and this has definitely skyrocketed and led to a lot of plates and interests from girls. Although my self-improvement has skyrocketed, the rate and intensity has also waned with time due to the dissipating emotional pain. As mentioned in my last post, it turned out the pain was a blessing because it was a fuel that took me forward but now its running out (a part of me wanted to be the guy she missed out on) but I need to find an alternative to propel me forward as I need to focus on doing these for me.
Sleeping With Other Women As A Cure
When I first broke up and started NC, I really wanted to hook up badly. I thought hooking up would be the absolute cure to the pain I was experiencing at the time. For logistical reasons, due to the fact that I was manipulated by my ex into self-isolation with 0 plates around me and also personal reasons, where I wanted to also work on myself; I was unable to hook up immediately. Although I was so convinced and confident that sex was the key to solving pain. I can now say after 3 hook ups with 3 very sexy plates (1 of whom is a top influencer) and countless make outs with other plates; not to mention many strings of dates; this really isn't a cure. My experience has been after the initial high, it quickly dissipates (usually within a day) and then you're back to square 1. You could ofcourse actively chase the high and try to do it again and again and again; but you'll find yourself endlessly setting it up that it becomes tiring and almost routinelike. For example, at one point, I was dating girls almost every night of the week. Perhaps, I haven't met one that has blown me away but my conclusion so far is that sleeping with others will not cure you. It gives you a high thats it. In reflection, working on myself and changing my lifestyle gave me more deeper satisfaction than any girls had in the past 90 days. At this point, I suspect this is the thing that should be worked on. Very much in reflection to what Rollo and Rich has written, chase excellence and chase yourself.
Happiness & The Golden Days Of The Past
Theres a part of me that still looks bad to the days of my past relationship and compares it with my current days. It usually starts with this nostalgic golden lens where I think I was really happy back then when I was with her. But then if I take a moment to observe it objectively, I start to remember how deeply unhappy I was at the time. I felt unfulfilled and often felt manipulated by the girl. My life was also not moving forward, especially on a personal development level. I was very much isolated and had many freedoms of mine challenged. Its easy for nostalgia to convince me that I was happy and those were the golden days; but compared to my life now, things were actually much worst. The only comfort I had then was her. I am now slowly correcting my thinking here as I try to move beyond it and realise the present circumstance, my current progressive life is where I want to be.
Conclusion
So yes, day 90 is not what I expected: I do not hurt in the same day I used to. My lifestyle is much more progressive/improved than it ever was before. The girl never came back or contacted. The yearning/memories do not go away (I thought they would by now). Sleeping with others (even hot girls) though fun does not solve the yearning or make me forget.
I plan to update you guys again in 30 days, or if she ever reaches out/breadcrumbs.
I hope all of you the best and that you found value in my sharing.
- James
ghcortez253
Don Juan
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- 40
32 months 
NSX-R
Master Don Juan
Broke no contact today . There was a very big fire in her place and it’s been all over the news so i immediately thought of her and texted her that message .“Saw the big fire on the news , i hope it’s not something serious and that you’re away from danger” .
She saw and replied as fast as i texted it . She told me about the situation and I said that I’m glad she’s alright . After half a day she texted me back and asked me how i was doing . Had small convo , asked her if she’s going anywhere this summer for vacation but she don’t know yet . Seemed like she didn’t want to talk or like wanted to avoid it . Anyway , i stopped texting her by then .
I don’t know if it was good or bad to text her considering i blocked her in every place possible, even her phone number when she wished for my birthday but i legit was afraid that something could happen to her.
I do hope i didn’t break my current status but i don’t know . I’m afraid there is still something deep inside of both of us looking for a chance to get back together.I may be wrong. Been with so many females last year and i can’t move on from that one . Back to square one as it seems .
i met this girl last year. She works for a relative of mine and i instantly thought she was cute. Talked a little bit but nothing to serious. I didn´t think much of it. About six months later i see her again at the Birthday Party of mentioned relative and we talk again. She tells me she moved to another city but was thinking about moving back (i now realise that this could be because of an ex) . Gave her my Number and told her she should give e a call, so we can hangout when she´s back.
A few later she texts me and we go out for dinner. I brought flowers (I know Beta Move). Had a great time, although she seemed shy at the beginning. Had a second and third date. Then our city went into Lockdown. Couldn´t do much, talked a lot on the Phone. I suggested we should meet at her place and watch a movie. She agreed. That night we had sex. The next few months we talked almost everyday, met up, she cooked for me, had sex. She constantly told e how happy she is when i am with her. Things were great.
Then she started to become cold, didn´t respond for hours and kept having excuses about meeting up. I kept asking a week or so later (which i shouldn´t have done, I know). i then confronted her and asked "what are we". I now cringe just thinking about it. Of course she answered with a "I think we should just be friends". After that i asked if we could meet up and talk about it.
So two days later we met for coffee, i told her i feel as if i like her more than she likes me. And that i was looking for something serious (i now know that i was pressuring myself to getting a Girlfriend. I´m not that good with girls. They all leave me or friendzone me). Scarcity Mindset i guess.
She seemed surprised as i told her if she just sees me as a friend, and that we should stop seeing each other as i am not interested in friendship. We hugged one last time and i left.
For two months we havent had any contact but then i saw her as i was visiting my relative for a business oppurtunity we wanted to discuss. i greeted her politely and that was it. I´m not gonna lie that **** was hard. During the two months of No Contact i was making great progress, worked out, ate better lost 15 pounds. But then i got weak.
I BROKE NO CONTACT. i messaged her and asked if she would like to meet for coffee. She answered that she would like that, but would message me when she has time. Its been three days. I feel ****ing weak and im dissapointed in myself. I gave her control over the situation. Even as i´m writing this i am contemplating just blowing her off when she sends me a message.
Did a lot of research during no contact mostly red pill content, Rational male, Corey wayne. But still couldn´t kill the Beta deeply rooted in me.
I´m done waiting on this Girl and i´m ready to not here from her again. My question now is, should i just ignore her message or meet up with her and tell her that i thought i wanted her back but now realised (after waiting 3+ days fo a text back) that i am over her. Would ignoring her message be another Beta move?
A few later she texts me and we go out for dinner. I brought flowers (I know Beta Move). Had a great time, although she seemed shy at the beginning. Had a second and third date. Then our city went into Lockdown. Couldn´t do much, talked a lot on the Phone. I suggested we should meet at her place and watch a movie. She agreed. That night we had sex. The next few months we talked almost everyday, met up, she cooked for me, had sex. She constantly told e how happy she is when i am with her. Things were great.
Then she started to become cold, didn´t respond for hours and kept having excuses about meeting up. I kept asking a week or so later (which i shouldn´t have done, I know). i then confronted her and asked "what are we". I now cringe just thinking about it. Of course she answered with a "I think we should just be friends". After that i asked if we could meet up and talk about it.
So two days later we met for coffee, i told her i feel as if i like her more than she likes me. And that i was looking for something serious (i now know that i was pressuring myself to getting a Girlfriend. I´m not that good with girls. They all leave me or friendzone me). Scarcity Mindset i guess.
She seemed surprised as i told her if she just sees me as a friend, and that we should stop seeing each other as i am not interested in friendship. We hugged one last time and i left.
For two months we havent had any contact but then i saw her as i was visiting my relative for a business oppurtunity we wanted to discuss. i greeted her politely and that was it. I´m not gonna lie that **** was hard. During the two months of No Contact i was making great progress, worked out, ate better lost 15 pounds. But then i got weak.
I BROKE NO CONTACT. i messaged her and asked if she would like to meet for coffee. She answered that she would like that, but would message me when she has time. Its been three days. I feel ****ing weak and im dissapointed in myself. I gave her control over the situation. Even as i´m writing this i am contemplating just blowing her off when she sends me a message.
Did a lot of research during no contact mostly red pill content, Rational male, Corey wayne. But still couldn´t kill the Beta deeply rooted in me.
I´m done waiting on this Girl and i´m ready to not here from her again. My question now is, should i just ignore her message or meet up with her and tell her that i thought i wanted her back but now realised (after waiting 3+ days fo a text back) that i am over her. Would ignoring her message be another Beta move?
ghcortez253
Don Juan
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There was no need for you to contact her. It makes no difference whether she thinks you care about her. You not friends. If she’s not ****ing you, she’s dead to you.
jamesfromhouston
Don Juan
Day 120 from a Dumpee
Hey guys, it has been roughly 120 days since the start of NC after being dumped. As promised, I'd drop in every 30 days to give some highlights & reflections:
(fyi: my Day 60 post is on Page 605, day 90 post is on Page 606.)
Breadcrumbs
There has still been no contact & breadcrumbs from her. Its now been 3 months. As every day went on since my last update Day 90, the finality of accepting that she will not contact me or ever come back becomes harder to refuse. If she wanted to get back into my life, she would have. So at this point, I believe she has totally moved on, monkey branched or forgotten about me. Honestly, it doesn't really hurt that much anymore thinking about this reality anymore. I mean I've lived like this for 120 days. You sort of just get used to it. There is still a part of me that misses her, but the pain has largely dissipated. There are many days I don't think about her at all. So seriously compared to the first 1 month or 2 months; there is such a great difference.
Sex, Dating & Feeling Better After Being Dumped
I've hooked up with a couple of chicks and had a bunch of flings in the first 3 months. Some of them were smoking hot. Had some monkey sex. But in my experience, sex really did not help me heal as much as my self-improvement did. My experience with sex is that it gives a temporary short of high but the day after, you're back at square one. So for those chasing sex as a form of moving on from this, I'd advise against it. On the other hand, over the past several months, I've been working out, reading, learning and also pursuing new ambitions. The results I've gotten in these areas have overall helped me improve as a person and are bringing me to newer heights than before. These results have actually made me feel more confident about myself and made me feel more satisfied with the amounts of effort I've put in. No doubt they have also helped me gotten more attention from girls. So I suppose the note to myself would be to chase the work and let the girls chase you. The work and self-improvement are actually much more satisfying, fun and help you move on in a deeper way than sex would. (With that said, I am also still on dating apps, I just don't use them as religious as I did in the first 2 months).
Self Improvement After Being Dumped
I do notice some setbacks though. In the beginning months, I was in deep pain and that gave me a lot of fuel which propelled me to intensely work out and pursue self-improvement but now that the pain has largely dissipated, I am becoming less motivated and fuelled to push. I would sometimes slack off a bit; I am afraid of falling off the bandwagon of self-improvement so I am currently making a conscious attempt to move my motivation of improvement from the pain of heartbreak to a general motivation stemming from within myself. But my point here is, break-up is in fact one of the best things that happened to me this year. It pushed me really far and to my very limits and made me yearn for more in life. When I was in the relationship I was way too comfortable. Which on this note, I'd like to share that if I were presented another chance to be with her again or a scenario that the breakup never happened; I would refuse it. The break up really made me grow as a person, she and our relationship were really holding me down from being the best version of me. So as cliche as it sounds, it really is the best thing that has happened to me so far. I think back to my own development of being with her and the duration of our relationship, I was stagnating, declining and being betatized. I deserve to be so much more.
The Idea Of Addiction
Finally, I've been thinking a lot lately on the idea that recovering from being dumped/heartbreak is like recovering from an addiction. I think this is so true. Thinking back to my emotional trajectory and behaviour over the last 4 months, I think much of the symptoms I experienced were those of an addict. Our dysfunctional relationship was so ingrained into my psyche that it really became a part of me. To pull away was one of the most painful things to do. At the very beginning of it, I had intense emotional pain of not having the girl. It was like withdrawal. Even when I began to rationally see the cracks and red flags of our very dysfunctional relationship; I irrationally still wanted her back and would often think about her randomly for months. I'll be honest, even today I do, just much lesser and in a more mellow way. This emotional turmoil deeply affected me and even my work. I would spend so much time searching online for hope of her coming back at some point. But the longer that time went on and the longer I continued to force myself to pull away with no contact, the more clarity I got as to how addicted I was. The most important realisation is that much of the desires to for her contact or get her back at the beginning is just your addiction speaking to you; its you being irrational. It is very painful to break that irrational cycle but it must be done. Addiction only leads to suffering and less power and control in our lives. This episode so far has made me really sympathise with the sort of suffering that drug addicts go through, I realise how difficult it is now.
Some advice for my bros
I think many of my bros who are currently in the early stages or struggling with NC, I know it is very difficult. I've been through it now for 4 months now. I know the hardships we have to go through daily with NC, the deep emotional pain we are in. But it has to be done. With time, you will come to realise that this is the best thing that will happen to you. You existed as a person on a path before you met this girl; most likely she has derailed you off your course and made her the center/purpose of your life. You became addicted. You are addicted now. (I was addicted to the sex appeal of my girl and rationalised other cute/happy stuff, most likely you too). You have to move away from that and gain back control of your life. You are probably wondering whether NC will get her back, I was doing that too. But honestly, at a certain point it doesn't really matter anymore because after NC'ing for a long time, you start to realise maybe she was not that good for you after all. The relationship is most likely problematic or dysfunctional otherwise it would not have ended. So it comes to a situation where you're only cherishing the memories of the beautiful times, overlooking the bad and red flags. After NC for awhile when presented the chance again to be together, you probably wouldn't because of how much growth you could go through without her. So bros, please be aware of this when you are considering whether to NC/break NC. We are men, pain is a part of growth!
I will continue to chart my journey with the next update on day 150. Hang in there bros. Wish us all the best.
Hey guys, it has been roughly 120 days since the start of NC after being dumped. As promised, I'd drop in every 30 days to give some highlights & reflections:
(fyi: my Day 60 post is on Page 605, day 90 post is on Page 606.)
Breadcrumbs
There has still been no contact & breadcrumbs from her. Its now been 3 months. As every day went on since my last update Day 90, the finality of accepting that she will not contact me or ever come back becomes harder to refuse. If she wanted to get back into my life, she would have. So at this point, I believe she has totally moved on, monkey branched or forgotten about me. Honestly, it doesn't really hurt that much anymore thinking about this reality anymore. I mean I've lived like this for 120 days. You sort of just get used to it. There is still a part of me that misses her, but the pain has largely dissipated. There are many days I don't think about her at all. So seriously compared to the first 1 month or 2 months; there is such a great difference.
Sex, Dating & Feeling Better After Being Dumped
I've hooked up with a couple of chicks and had a bunch of flings in the first 3 months. Some of them were smoking hot. Had some monkey sex. But in my experience, sex really did not help me heal as much as my self-improvement did. My experience with sex is that it gives a temporary short of high but the day after, you're back at square one. So for those chasing sex as a form of moving on from this, I'd advise against it. On the other hand, over the past several months, I've been working out, reading, learning and also pursuing new ambitions. The results I've gotten in these areas have overall helped me improve as a person and are bringing me to newer heights than before. These results have actually made me feel more confident about myself and made me feel more satisfied with the amounts of effort I've put in. No doubt they have also helped me gotten more attention from girls. So I suppose the note to myself would be to chase the work and let the girls chase you. The work and self-improvement are actually much more satisfying, fun and help you move on in a deeper way than sex would. (With that said, I am also still on dating apps, I just don't use them as religious as I did in the first 2 months).
Self Improvement After Being Dumped
I do notice some setbacks though. In the beginning months, I was in deep pain and that gave me a lot of fuel which propelled me to intensely work out and pursue self-improvement but now that the pain has largely dissipated, I am becoming less motivated and fuelled to push. I would sometimes slack off a bit; I am afraid of falling off the bandwagon of self-improvement so I am currently making a conscious attempt to move my motivation of improvement from the pain of heartbreak to a general motivation stemming from within myself. But my point here is, break-up is in fact one of the best things that happened to me this year. It pushed me really far and to my very limits and made me yearn for more in life. When I was in the relationship I was way too comfortable. Which on this note, I'd like to share that if I were presented another chance to be with her again or a scenario that the breakup never happened; I would refuse it. The break up really made me grow as a person, she and our relationship were really holding me down from being the best version of me. So as cliche as it sounds, it really is the best thing that has happened to me so far. I think back to my own development of being with her and the duration of our relationship, I was stagnating, declining and being betatized. I deserve to be so much more.
The Idea Of Addiction
Finally, I've been thinking a lot lately on the idea that recovering from being dumped/heartbreak is like recovering from an addiction. I think this is so true. Thinking back to my emotional trajectory and behaviour over the last 4 months, I think much of the symptoms I experienced were those of an addict. Our dysfunctional relationship was so ingrained into my psyche that it really became a part of me. To pull away was one of the most painful things to do. At the very beginning of it, I had intense emotional pain of not having the girl. It was like withdrawal. Even when I began to rationally see the cracks and red flags of our very dysfunctional relationship; I irrationally still wanted her back and would often think about her randomly for months. I'll be honest, even today I do, just much lesser and in a more mellow way. This emotional turmoil deeply affected me and even my work. I would spend so much time searching online for hope of her coming back at some point. But the longer that time went on and the longer I continued to force myself to pull away with no contact, the more clarity I got as to how addicted I was. The most important realisation is that much of the desires to for her contact or get her back at the beginning is just your addiction speaking to you; its you being irrational. It is very painful to break that irrational cycle but it must be done. Addiction only leads to suffering and less power and control in our lives. This episode so far has made me really sympathise with the sort of suffering that drug addicts go through, I realise how difficult it is now.
Some advice for my bros
I think many of my bros who are currently in the early stages or struggling with NC, I know it is very difficult. I've been through it now for 4 months now. I know the hardships we have to go through daily with NC, the deep emotional pain we are in. But it has to be done. With time, you will come to realise that this is the best thing that will happen to you. You existed as a person on a path before you met this girl; most likely she has derailed you off your course and made her the center/purpose of your life. You became addicted. You are addicted now. (I was addicted to the sex appeal of my girl and rationalised other cute/happy stuff, most likely you too). You have to move away from that and gain back control of your life. You are probably wondering whether NC will get her back, I was doing that too. But honestly, at a certain point it doesn't really matter anymore because after NC'ing for a long time, you start to realise maybe she was not that good for you after all. The relationship is most likely problematic or dysfunctional otherwise it would not have ended. So it comes to a situation where you're only cherishing the memories of the beautiful times, overlooking the bad and red flags. After NC for awhile when presented the chance again to be together, you probably wouldn't because of how much growth you could go through without her. So bros, please be aware of this when you are considering whether to NC/break NC. We are men, pain is a part of growth!
I will continue to chart my journey with the next update on day 150. Hang in there bros. Wish us all the best.
Move on. Her actions have told you she has very little interest in you. We have all been there so don't beat your self up (too badly,) move on and go date other women.
When they go cold they are getting attention from a new guy. It is just as plain as that.
I wouldn't count on her reaching out, since you reached out she thinks she has you right where she wants you, as an orbiter. Don't give her the ego boost by trying again. Let this go.
Should she reach out, and want to plan a sit down for coffee it will only boost her ego and crush yours. What ever time she proposes to you (if she does,) always answer closed. "Sorry i have plans that day/night/afternoon," do not counter offer.
Make her put in 100% of the effort. Move on and date other women.
Thank for the advice man. I really appreciate it. It´s been one week and no reply. This ship has sailed and i find myself not caring anymore. She was a nice piece of ass, but oh well. Gyms are reopening in my city which is great news. I am currently applying for a new job and have had 2 Interviews already. Things are going in the right direction.
If she contacts me down the line (i doubt it) I´ll tell her i´m open for sex and nothing else. If she agrees cool, if not i haven´t lost anything.
Low and behold , yesterday she reached out after almost two weeks and told me she has time today. I am now realizing how little respect she has for my time. She probably thought i jump up and clear my schedule for her but HELL NO. I told her i already got plans (no counter offer no reschedule). I am not just saying that, i really am Busy. Weather is getting warmer, skirts are getting shorter. My priorities at the moment are job, gym and spending time with friends. Last year robbed me of all three of these and i think that´s the reason i acted so pathetic. I´m finally over her guys. I felt nothing when she answered me. 2 months ago i would have left everything to meet her. NO CONTACT WORKS. I know it soundc cliché but Trust the process.
Put away your credit card.
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The fact that she reached out after 2 weeks tells you everything you need to know. You are not a priority to her and, i'm glad you handled it as you did. She isn't a priority to you either.
No, to her offer. No counter offer. No reaching out. No texting. No social media no phone call nothing. She got what she deserved. Nothing.
Like you said she contacts you after 2 weeks and does't attempt to make plans, she expects you to drop your plans and see her. Nope.
Nice job. You handled this perfectly.
Well, I am back. After a couple more months of trying to make it work and being on and off, I think we’re split permanently. It’s Day 9 which is the furthest I’ve ever gotten. Usually one of us yields at this point but that looks unlikely. She changed her Facebook status from nothing to single, and switched it to public. She’s also on Tinder. We were together for like 8 months, more on and off towards the end, went through an engagement, and two pregnancies, both ended in miscarriage. Time hasn’t really helped. The first week was okay, but the second week is killing me. I can’t sleep a full night anymore, I’ve had a couple like debilitating anxiety attacks, and I know that sounds pathetic but I don’t know what to do. Adding to my stress, she was 7 days late on her period when we stopped talking. I’m still at that point where I really hope she’ll reach out but I know it won’t happen.
Yeah me too dude. Your mind plays tricks on you, every text, phone call you jump to see if its her etc. I had the off and on thing too and I think it kind of conditions you to the idea that it be back on again soon and so you pathetically wait for that outcome. I'm ready to redpill now, I blocked mine and Im looking to spin plates to try and remove this "oneitis" and get some control of myself.
Welcome back. Hold your head high. It will get better
Ask yourself this. Did it not get old/discourging/annoying being on off on off on off?
Did you ever ask yourself, why am i putting up with this behaviour?
She is living in the moment and enjoying the emotional roller coaster of emotions and that gives her all kinds of feels and entertainment. Women love that garbage
What are you getting other than sleepless nights, frustration and annoyance and anxiety.
Time to focus on you. Stop letting her take up place in your head.
I found the easiest way to move on is giving then ONLY one chance. If they blow that one chance they are out for good.
Start putting you first. She is now history.
The back and forth sucked but I felt like I had invested in her too much to just leave, obviously she didn’t feel the same way.
I started going to the gym again to rebuild myself, when we were together she didn’t like me going to the gym because she thought I’d leave her if I started getting in better shape.
I messed up on the one chance thing, that probably would’ve made this easier because it would’ve ended a lot sooner. I read Rollo’s chapter on war brides, I guess it’s normal for women to just move on sooner. It still sucks. I started sleeping a bit more, and the anxiety is not stopping me anymore but it’s still kind of there. I know I still have a long way to go so hopefully it starts to get easier.