Day 60 from a Dumpee
Hi guys, I've been lurking on this thread for awhile. Found it and this amazing community immediately after my break up 60 days ago. Easily scoured through 400+ pages in the first week of break up. I found the experiences and insights here helpful in one my darkest points.
I promised myself that I would give back in some form and at the very least, share my very own NC 60 experience when it came to it. So here it is. Hopefully some of you might find value from this. I want to be as authentic as possible with you all.
I'll try to keep things short and in sections:
I dated a girl I met in NYC during an internship for close to 2 years. We were largely living in different states and COVID really took a toll on the logistics of the relationship because of all the restrictions. But the breaking point really stemmed from the fact that I was actually in an existing relationship with another person. Although it was also a relationship that I was working on ending so I could really focus on the girl. (Its a long story and no moral judgment needed here, I understand my predicament). I thought it could be sorted quietly and easily. Eventually, she found out and immediately dumped me without saying a word. She ghosted me. For the first few days, I called, messaged, emailed and begged but she never responded. It was just absolute silence. Realising there was no way around it, it was really the end, I soon decided to go NC and accept it.
Week 1 - 3
The first 3 weeks were definitely the hardest. Especially they first week, I literally felt like my soul had left my body. Life was in a perpetual state of being bland. I had no appetite, I had no joy to do anything, going to work was terrible, I felt like a part of me had been lost. It was almost like I was a zombie. I would say going through this during Covid was probably the worst because I was not able to go out and meet friends, socialise or even date. It was depressing, painful and devastating.
These painful feelings persisted for about a few weeks. The whole time I was also constantly going back to the past, analysing where I went wrong, and all these negative aspects of myself during the relationship. Oddly, she became this saint-like figure, and she was this amazing thing that I had lost. During these weeks, I literally could not imagine how I could ever feel better. I really could not look beyond the pain I found myself in. I even started to wonder if I would be permanently stuck in this rut.
I think after week 2, I really started to scour onto the internet, SoSuave and read through all relevant content to find a solution. Eventually, I started to pick up a daily habit of gym, read self-help, watch motivational videos and actively worked to get over the pain I found myself in.
Week 4 - 6
From week 3 to 4, it was hard to build and habitualize my new routine, but I really wanted to work on myself. So I really stuck to it. I won't lie, at this point, I carried with me a glimmer of hope that perhaps if I worked on myself and get better, at some point, she will contact me and notice the difference and come back to me. Also much of reading I did on this NC thread, was also searching for other people's NC experiences and seeing when the girl comes back. Reading people's experiences of how 'they always come back', gave me a lot of hope and I tried to build a benchmark of at which NC points, they usually come back. I later realise this was a mistake. Because after week 4, I still received nothing from her, not even a crumb. It saddened me but also slowly opened me up to a realisation that perhaps she will not come back ever.
By week 4 onwards, I started to enjoy some of the new habits I picked up. I had been gyming everyday, reading and journalling everyday, watching documentaries. I started to realise that the painful energy I had experienced from the outset had actually propelled me to slowly rediscover and improve myself. I started to lose weight and became fit , which gave me confidence. I started to read into masculinity, slowly discovered the red-pill community, Rollo and Rich's works, it gave me better insights into things. After week 4, I started to really get back into dating.
I have to admit the first few dates were horrible. A part of me had been benchmarking the girls I met with my ex, comparing their appearances, their vibes, etc. This was definitely not helpful and I left those dates feeling very empty. It was also quite painful to have these dates happen in some of the places I've been with my ex. I would have flashbacks. But I kept going. I lined up dates almost every week. Mainly with 7's.
By week 5, probably from the combination of working on myself and dating, I started to feel less and less of the grip from the pains I've experienced. I think things were certainly hastened when I started to get a lot of plates spinning. I was getting attentions from girls, I was also trying new things for my own personal work and that kept me occupied. It was really on a first date with a 10 one night at an amazing lounge where there were sparks, I started to realise that I was actually getting better and I was really thinking about the ex less and less. I started to have some fun with my life and thought to myself that I could never had lived like this with my ex who was a very controlling and manipulative person in her own right. It was also after 5 weeks, I started to see for the first time, all the flaws that she carried into our relationship as well. She was far from perfect.
I won't lie, by this point, I was still missing her to a degree, I still had flashbacks but the pain was really, really dissipating. It wasn't as debilitating as it was before. I was finally starting to enjoy my life. I was moving on.
Week 7 - Day 60
From week 7 onwards, the hope of her contacting me dissipated. There was undeniable finality to it because it had been over 7 weeks with no crumbs. She had not contacted me in any form, stalked me or left any traces of interest in checking in on me. Although that might have hurt me deeply weeks earlier, by this point, I was fine with it. The excruciating pain I had is quickly disappearing. This potent painful energy that had so compelled me to self-improvement was evaporating. In a strange way, I started to slow down a bit on self-improvement; in a way, I miss the pain I felt, because it was during the moments, I had the fuel to really push myself. I am still working on my path of self-improvement and consciously keeping myself in check.
By the week 7 and onwards point, I have had many dates with girls from 7s to 10s. I made out with 3 of them, 2 models and a cute blonde. Intimacy wasn't as enjoyable as I thought it would be, but the chase, build-up and entire experience of dating gave me some short term highs that reminded me there was more fun to be had beyond my ex. It also really melted these rose lenses I had of my ex. I suppose one of her most addictive aspect to me in a way was the intimacy she brought, but I started to realise that beyond the fun we had, there were serious issues and it was hard to imagine us continuing our relationship any further. I've not yet had sex with any of my new plates yet, although I am confident I will be soon.
Close to day 60, I no longer feel the deep pain I felt from the beginning. I can safely say that time has helped me moved on, although I am not completely over her, her spell has largely worn off. Realistically, I don't think I would ever want to be with her again, it was hard to imagine us working out in the future. At the same time, I've not yet found a girl that gives me the sort of high she did, but I believe I will in due time.
Day 60 - Her contact?
She did not contact me. At this point, given the duration, I don't think she would. But I will just keep on living. (If I get anything from her, I will definitely update here).
(continued in next post).