The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Lotus Effect]

This is the part that fvcks with my head. It does feel like it will happen soon. She wanted to meet last week originally, but I was away and couldn't make it, so now she says next weekend. Even though it's not a date and she's rejected the idea of us getting together, I know that if/when we meet in person it's going to stir her feelings up again. She's never been able to look me in the eyes without melting (her words). And unlike those situations where the ex has simply lost interest or fallen out of love, we broke up due to a harsh argument and those feelings haven't changed.

By writing that, I'm not trying to justify chasing her or clinging, but I just want to illustrate why it's difficult for me to give up and let go.

It's amazing how the world is, and how much alike humanity is.

Even though I've never met you before, we speak completely different languages, and we live in countries with very distinguished cultures, this above quote of yours could have been easily mistaken as the exact description of myself and my ex throughout the months of august and september.

Listen to me man. She will reschedule it. She will postpone. She will set new dates. She will flake on them without even considering warning you. It is the same situation. I also got together with her if you remember. I saw it in her eyes. I could have easily made out with her at the spot. She was dazzled.
The next day she become the Ice Queen of Narnia... And then she will reschedulle again³

I fooled myself for those 2 months. Do not fool yourself man. If it was only resentment, you guys would have been together long ago. The feelings have changed indeed. She did experienced "new meat", the same you did.

You can never know what is in anybody's mind. But you can at least guess what is going on inside it by judging their actions. Hot and Cold, flakiness, indifference... you are way more experienced than me. You know exactly what those actions means.

Be a grown man, and deal with it. We are all here for you, the same way I know that you guys are here from me in my days of weakness. And glory as well. Deal with it, and glory shall come along.

I do mate. Thanks. I really appreciate the support I've been getting from this forum and hope in my stronger moments I've been able to return the favour...or at least offer people the wisdom of my mistakes.

Oh, you know you will.

I am still hurting and griefing, but I can already see all the wisdom my own stupidit gave me.

But in order to protect thy heart, as renagade said, don't go counting that you might have a chance to show that you've become the master of relationships to you ex. Ever. It only feeds false hopes, and keep you in this limbo of doubt. Be indifferent of the outcome of this lesson you've learned.

You've learned the lesson. Now you use it in a next relationship.

Have a good one!

 

[mkj1990]

Day 33

Today was actually one of the best I can remember in a long time, if you look at it in a fvck-her-i-can-do-so-much-better perspective. On my way to school John Parr's St. Elmo's Fire was played on the radio, and I got so pumped and motivated through-out the whole day! Take a listen. Seriously, it describes so well what myself and probably a lot of you are going through.

I've found that the best medicine for me is to just be busy in life. That way I keep my self from thinking too much. Plan ahead. Meet up with friends, maybe there's someone you haven't seen in a while?

Keep your heads high, lads.

 

[tripod23]

hi guys ,,,, iv been reading all the posts on this thread , its just a nightmare when some chick decides she want to walk all over you for what ever reason.......or should i say thats how it feels some times.....i have broke up with my ex after some really ****ty stuff.....she was just fooooooking me around after breaking up last yr and then she ended up branch swinging for a few months........then tried to deniy it.....all the time telling me she loved me and wanted me missed me all the same old stuff they come out with.....i am now on 2 months of nc, i totally let her have it and told her what i thought of her actions and behaviour....then walked away. i realise i should of been calm when i told her .....but i wasnt she knew i was angry , and i dont care what she thought to be honest.....she needed telling trust me ...i am not a nasty guy in any way, but i refuse to have the piss taken out of me by any chick no matter how cute she thinks she is .....cuteness is not a licence to treat people like shi- . ..... i have deleted her numbers and i have not tried to make any contact at all . now one thing i need to say and admit is that its been very hard.....very hard indeed .

i would love for her to come back and say she wants its to work.....but i just cant see it happening , so the only power you have is to move on with your life , and be the best you can , and focus on your mission and purpose in life ........ and never believe anything they say because they change their minds like the wind..........have a few plates on the go if you can be bothered , and just focus on yourself and your future . make money enjoy life and be kind to those less fortunate than yourself and the results will come from being positive . good luck guys

 

[Contrails]

Tripod, had the exact same thing happen to me. We broke up and I thought it was all my fault. A while later I found out she was monkey branching and the it was the guy that sent me the bad news. I got angry at her and sent her hurtful messages. She still kept trying to blame me. And the other guy took her back! This chick is a true female DJ.

Struggling today gents.

I keep thinking about her and how I plan to catch up with her in two months. I have slept with other girls that have bfs and I know if I wait for a couple of months and catch up with her, I can take her out and sleep with her. I don't plan to get back with her but I want her as FWB.

On a positive note, a month ago I had my going away party. There were a few pics taken with me mostly having an awesome time and yes there's a few girls in those pics. I finally put those pics up on Facebook and right away I had couple of old flames messaging me saying they are missing me.

 

[Culebra23]

"make money enjoy life and be kind to those less fortunate than yourself and the results will come from being positive."

Amen to that, some of us are dealing with a heartache but how many people out there have it worse than us?

Some people don't have a place to live, no food, no education. All of you guys posting on here are educated, can read, write, think and reason. There is so much to be positive about, in due time we will have more bush that we can trim, but first we have to make it through, and that takes time. I know it's not easy boys, but tripod23 said something that we all seem to forget, to help those less fortunate than ourselves, thanks for that suggestion my brother.

Tomorrow when I pass that homeless man, lying on the street on my way to work, I will hand him a crispy George Washington and if I hit the lotto tonight , next week i'll give him a Benjamin Remember we are all reading each others stories, getting inspired, feeling good about ourselves because we are not alone in this. Most men spend their heartaches at a bar, trying to drown the pain, but we have this community board, we are the fortunate ones.

Btw, try reading some of boards by women, in particular women who have been dumped, these women dwell 4-EVER!!!! They cry for months, sometimes years. How many women do you know that are hot as hell and they won't give you the time of day because they have STILL not gotten over their ex, AND IT HAS BEEN YEARS SINCE THE RELATIONSHIP ENDED!! I know quite a bit. Something to keep in mind boys, we are the fortunate ones!!

 

[Groverz]

Amen to that, some of us are dealing with a heartache but how many people out there have it worse than us?

Some people don't have a place to live, no food, no education. All of you guys posting on here are educated, can read, write, think and reason. There is so much to be positive about, in due time we will have more bush that we can trim, but first we have to make it through, and that takes time. I know it's not easy boys, but tripod23 said something that we all seem to forget, to help those less fortunate than ourselves, thanks for that suggestion my brother.

Tomorrow when I pass that homeless man, lying on the street on my way to work, I will hand him a crispy George Washington and if I hit the lotto tonight , next week i'll give him a Benjamin Remember we are all reading each others stories, getting inspired, feeling good about ourselves because we are not alone in this. Most men spend their heartaches at a bar, trying to drown the pain, but we have this community board, we are the fortunate ones.

Btw, try reading some of boards by women, in particular women who have been dumped, these women dwell 4-EVER!!!! They cry for months, sometimes years. How many women do you know that are hot as hell and they won't give you the time of day because they have STILL not gotten over their ex, AND IT HAS BEEN YEARS SINCE THE RELATIONSHIP ENDED!! I know quite a bit. Something to keep in mind boys, we are the fortunate ones!!

You remind me of this.


“The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.”



And I am pretty much doing that, helping a friend who has been in a rough spot for about 2 years. Giving him a place to live and helping him learn some things. In a way it feels good, he does owe me over 4k in rent and I could of kicked him out a long time ago and gotten someone who can afford rent but then I would make him homeless and It would be hard to live with that.

I work my ass off and do as much as I can for others, the moral rewards are huge. Money can't buy happiness.

 

[tripod23]

morning guys , one thing that i can say is this ....money will never buy you happiness [ never ] happiness comes from within.......no chick will make you totally happy if you are not happy with your own life ......and money is a tool which once you have it you have to look after it and use it wisely no matter how much we earn or how little......one thing that you should never do is use it to try and buy a chicks affection and love.... [ never ] it will only end one way ..and thats badly - most of the time anyway.

when someone tells you they love you its a great feeling....and if you get pleasure from acheaving goals wether it be for yourself or helping others , some women and people in general will extract your good nature to the maximum ...... but only if you allow them to . i have found that by giving a little and watching the results ...you can pretty much see how someone is as a person... as the saying goes watch and learn.

i am 41 years old and i can say that i have made some dreadfull mistakes with women.....not so much in recent years but in the past the things i did was just plain stupid and a bit sad even tho it greaves me to say that.....i think the situation i am in at the moment is probably the most hurtfull iv had ...but having said that it could be a whole lot worse.

like i said above walking away from someone you have feelings for is hard to do and the pain you feel can be debilatating...but this is one reason why i personally think you should never let a chick know if you have money or wealth or any of that stuff....because some chicks will use their ***** like a chip n pin machine to get what they cant afford.....trust me i have seen this **** happen a lot.... now i would rather be on my own than put up with anything like that.

now you guys may think i am talking **** , but i have been in long term relationships , one which was 12 years and we didnt even live together but i saw her all the time ,i came and went as i felt like it - now dont get me wrong she was a great girl , i would even say the best iv ever had [ for many reasons ] but she never had a clue how much dollar i had or didnt have , why you ask after 12 yrs - because she would have used it as a lever against me . plus she didnt need to know. but i will say i never saw her struggle with anything [ never ].

my point with a lot of the above is this - you know how painfull it is when a chick dumps you for another dude and rubs your face in it [ RIGHT] well just imagine how totally f---ed up you would be if she had taken all of you money as well.....plus the house oh yeah and the car oh yeah and left you with the maxed out credit card bills - you see my point .

getting dumped is hard to deal with - but it could be a whole lot WORSE .

keep posting guys i love reading all the storys ......

 

[mkj1990]

I had a hard time avoiding stalking my ex on FB, and my guess is that a lot of you guys feel the same way. Here is a quick, easy tip that helped me:

Do you use Google Chrome as your web browser? No? Do it from now on. And download this plug-in: https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/block-site/eiimnmioipafcokbfikbljfdeojpcgbh

It's really simple. Just add all the websites you don't want to be able to visit in this plug-in, and it won't be as easy for you to enter your ex's facebook-page, blog etc. You could add a re-direct page, like for instance this forum-thread.

 

[Lotus Effect]

I had a hard time avoiding stalking my ex on FB, and my guess is that a lot of you guys feel the same way. Here is a quick, easy tip that helped me:

Do you use Google Chrome as your web browser? No? Do it from now on. And download this plug-in: https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/block-site/eiimnmioipafcokbfikbljfdeojpcgbh

It's really simple. Just add all the websites you don't want to be able to visit in this plug-in, and it won't be as easy for you to enter your ex's facebook-page, blog etc. You could add a re-direct page, like for instance this forum-thread.

This is really great.

On the other hand, another really great option is to GET THE FU*K OUT OF FACEBOOK.

Really that simple, facebook is useless and shallow. Work on your real life, and leave that sh*t behind.

Why focus on a virtual persona, when you can use that time to focus on a much more important issue, that being, your own self!

Anyway, great tip mkj1990

 

[Jariel]

I've really sunk back to my post breakup depression lately and really struggling to get through the days. Having her contact me, give me hope, reveal her feelings and then withdraw again has totally fvcked with my head and stirred my emotions again. I can't stop thinking about her...and I mean, every single fvcking minute of every day!!

With Christmas approaching, I'm thinking how lonely it's going to be. I keep thinking how happy we were last christmas and how much we looked forward to it, and how we were planning to be living together this year and excited about becoming a family.

I've been keeping myself busy every day, I'm talking to other women and I'm putting my efforts into productive activities, and yet it all feels so pointless. Life as a whole feels pointless right now. I'm just working every day in misery, so I can pay pills and prolong my miserable existence.

Some times I want to prompt her to meet up with me, like she was so eager to do a few weeks ago; other times I find myself wanting to flip out at her for bringing it all up again and messing me around, but I know neither will help me in the long term. Then one day I feel like I did the right thing by treating her with civility, and being friendly, then other days I realise I made a massive mistake and went against everything I've learned and preached by playing into her hands and reciprocating her heartfelt texts.

It's so fvcked up that one person can have such a dramatic hold over a man's life and I still can't get over the fact that we're not together any more and that she can go from loving me so much, to wanting to live her life without me.

 

[Machtwo]

I've really sunk back to my post breakup depression lately and really struggling to get through the days. Having her contact me, give me hope, reveal her feelings and then withdraw again has totally fvcked with my head and stirred my emotions again. I can't stop thinking about her...and I mean, every single fvcking minute of every day!!

With Christmas approaching, I'm thinking how lonely it's going to be. I keep thinking how happy we were last christmas and how much we looked forward to it, and how we were planning to be living together this year and excited about becoming a family.

I've been keeping myself busy every day, I'm talking to other women and I'm putting my efforts into productive activities, and yet it all feels so pointless. Life as a whole feels pointless right now. I'm just working every day in misery, so I can pay pills and prolong my miserable existence.

Some times I want to prompt her to meet up with me, like she was so eager to do a few weeks ago; other times I find myself wanting to flip out at her for bringing it all up again and messing me around, but I know neither will help me in the long term. Then one day I feel like I did the right thing by treating her with civility, and being friendly, then other days I realise I made a massive mistake and went against everything I've learned and preached by playing into her hands and reciprocating her heartfelt texts.

It's so fvcked up that one person can have such a dramatic hold over a man's life and I still can't get over the fact that we're not together any more and that she can go from loving me so much, to wanting to live her life without me.

Right Jariel, this is another one of your posts that has struck a chord with me, everything is so relevant to how I WAS feeling months ago.

You now have to commit to NC with military precision, I read this somewhere on here and it is difficult, really difficult, by far the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am feeling the massive benefit from it, let go of her man, feelings, everything, just let it all go & try and move on for your own sanity. Nobody knows what will be around the next corner, try to be positive about your future, you've had great girls in the past, there is no reason to suggest you will ever be alone and by giving the ex and you space and by space I mean months, you might meet, fall in love again with her or some other wonderful female will enter your life, but let go, you are damaging yourself and you are no good to anybody like this.

IT WON'T BE EASY

 

[Jariel]

Thank you Machtwo. I appreciate the reply and I know you're right. I was on the right track all along, and now I'm paying the price of slipping. I miss her so much, and knowing she loves me gave me hope, but I can't keep going through this misery and pain and you're right mate, I have to let go once and for all.

The girl I dated a few weeks ago gave me so much hope for moving on and for a while there I actually felt that life was getting better and could see a happy future without my ex. It goes to show that it is possible to feel that way in time, but I really do need to detach completely for that to happen.

Thanks again for the support.

 

[Machtwo]

Jariel

I miss my wife dearly, I still love her, but we will be divorced before the end of this month and this is so sad for me. I know what you are going through, believe me, I truly do. I had a female friend that helped me along, I only saw her once every two weeks, my mates called her the friend without benefits! The point of all this is nobody can help you come through all this quicker than yourself, once you realise this you will start to improve quicker than you thought possible.

I've ploughed on with my divorce to show I'm no pushover, that I won't be messed about, when it is actually very sad, but I know she thinks I don't care because of this stance I've taken and of course the NC. I know I'm on her mind and that my actions are slowly driving her bonkers, she will make the contact I hoped for months ago, sooner or later it will happen & I will have the best hand.

I know when that day comes I will walk away, head held high.

Do yourself the biggest favour and live your life.

Take care

 

[Lotus Effect]

I've really sunk back to my post breakup depression lately and really struggling to get through the days. Having her contact me, give me hope, reveal her feelings and then withdraw again has totally fvcked with my head and stirred my emotions again. I can't stop thinking about her...and I mean, every single fvcking minute of every day!!

With Christmas approaching, I'm thinking how lonely it's going to be. I keep thinking how happy we were last christmas and how much we looked forward to it, and how we were planning to be living together this year and excited about becoming a family.

I've been keeping myself busy every day, I'm talking to other women and I'm putting my efforts into productive activities, and yet it all feels so pointless. Life as a whole feels pointless right now. I'm just working every day in misery, so I can pay pills and prolong my miserable existence.

Some times I want to prompt her to meet up with me, like she was so eager to do a few weeks ago; other times I find myself wanting to flip out at her for bringing it all up again and messing me around, but I know neither will help me in the long term. Then one day I feel like I did the right thing by treating her with civility, and being friendly, then other days I realise I made a massive mistake and went against everything I've learned and preached by playing into her hands and reciprocating her heartfelt texts.

It's so fvcked up that one person can have such a dramatic hold over a man's life and I still can't get over the fact that we're not together any more and that she can go from loving me so much, to wanting to live her life without me.

Hey man, here we are again!

I can tell you that besides the age and experience difference, we are pretty much at the same low. Stick with me through this one...

I just cannot stop thinking about her, we also had such great plans for this year, and it turned out to be the worst year ever. And I'm always trying to come up with an idea to have a reason to talk to her, i.e. tell her that the letter I sent was stupid, I was too much hurt but now I'm ok, or call out on her behaviour and tell her that what she did is inacceptable and there's no way she's having me again...

Anything. I just want to come out of that position that I've put myself into. Of being there for her, always. That I'm just not talking to her 'cause I need to heal.

Anyway, there is nothing to be done. The damage was done. I have a very wise friend of mine that told me back in september, before I went to coffee with her.

Don't talk to her. The minute you talk to her you are back at square 1. No matter what. You may think it will be alright, but it won't. And when things fall apart, you will be back to day 1. All the healing you so bravelly won will be lost and you will have to start all over again. And it will be worse this time, 'cause you will now have a new reason to regret, so it will take you longer to recover and even more, it will push her even further away.

He was very right. I was feeling slightly better but then...
I had coffee with her, was not able to "land" her > Back to day 1 with that to regret.
Then I've sent her that dreaded 3 pages long email. Her reply? 2 lines > Back to day 1 with also that to regret.

I'm done with regreting. And so should you. You should start worrying with Recovering! But recovering yourself.
Whenever you talk to her you are recovering HER. She feels better, and you worse. Stop doing it man.

You are in this post breakup depression because you are in the first few days of the breakup again. It feels like it happened yesterday, even if it was ages ago. And I know that it hurts like hell to be in the first few days when the incident happened so long ago.

Today is day 30 for me, to my ex is day 170 somethings.

And if I talk to her I'll be back to day 1, while she will remain very confortably in day 170.

See man, do not be weak. I'm not telling you to go out there and meet several strangers. I'm not telling you go hang out with your mates. I'm not telling to talk to your family. Or to a theraphyst. I'm no telling you to cry at the bathroom stall of your workplace. Or to listen to sad songs on the radio.

You can do all of the above, some might help, some may not. I did'em all.

I'm just telling you to be strong. And don't contact her AT ALL! It will only prolong your pain.

 

[Machtwo]

Are falecomnetto & Lotus Effect the same person??

 

[Lotus Effect]

...by giving the ex and you space and by space I mean months, you might meet, fall in love again with her or some other wonderful female will enter your life, but let go, you are damaging yourself and you are no good to anybody like this.

IT WON'T BE EASY

Exact! I told you this yesterday Jariel!

It may happen. But it won't happen now!

You have to heal from this failed relationship if you ever want to try it again. Right now, being so hurt, you are trying to mend your heart with a scalpel.

The wound is raw. Let it heal.

Remember though, you will always have a scar...

 

[Lotus Effect]

Are falecomnetto & Lotus Effect the same person??

Yup! :crazy:
Had to change it!

Anyway, I'm still here! (Don't know if it's bad or good though lol)

 

[MichiganMan1111]

This is really great.

On the other hand, another really great option is to GET THE FU*K OUT OF FACEBOOK.

Really that simple, facebook is useless and shallow. Work on your real life, and leave that sh*t behind.

Why focus on a virtual persona, when you can use that time to focus on a much more important issue, that being, your own self!

Anyway, great tip mkj1990

Amen to that...

I have found that Facebook is popular with:
A) people that were popular in high school, but are losers in adult life.
B) people that were not popular in high school, but think they are cool now because they can "friend" those people mentioned in A.
C) aunts that like to post pictures of their cats.

I have found that Facebook is unpopular with:
A) normal, happy people.

 

[Jariel]

You guys are right and I do know it. I might be able to play cool, but I'm still a long way off healing and I'm still overwhelmed with emotions, paranoia and insecurity regarding this relationship. Speaking to her, meeting with her is just going to open the wound even more.

I've been spending way too much time analysing her behaviour and it's like I'm spiralling into insanity. One minute I figure she got in contact because she truly missed me and she meant what she said and I see the logic in why she doesn't want to get back together. But then almost instantly, I get caught up in this paranoia, thinking it was all a ploy for attention, she's using me as a safety net and I've been taken for a fool. I start getting angry, upset and the world suddenly becomes a very dark place.

I'm overwhelmed with all these negative thoughts and emotions, all these doubts and questions, and it's crippling me.

In my rational moments I recognise that even if she's genuinely in love with me, missing me and as devastated over losing me as she says she is, it doesn't change the circumstances that caused the break up. They're still there and her fears that we would only end up breaking up again and going through all this pain again are probably right.

It makes sense for me to let it go and focus on healing and rebuilding my life.

It's strange to think a couple of months ago, all I wanted was to hear she still loves me and to know that she was hurting from our break up as much as I have been...to know that I meant something to her. I figured if I just knew that, I could accept the break up and move on. I got exactly what I wanted. I got an emotional heartfelt text and I even got confirmation afterwards that she meant ever word of it. And yet, here I am questioning it and twisting it into something negative and manipulative and finding reasons to cling to my pain?!

When I see this paranoia and insecurity in myself, I start to realise why my relationships keep failing. It's been a very valuable experience to allow me to see this and work on it, and I'm getting councelling, which helps. But at times, the negative thoughts become so convincing and overwhelming, it's impossible to think of anything else.

 

[Machtwo]

I received the confirmation letter today from the local county court, I've been officially divorced since November 1st.

Is it possible to be both happy and sad at the same time??