I think in most men's (again lowercase 'M') beginnings, adopting an AFC schema is viewed not so much as a path of least resistance as it is a path of least risk. Children are the sum of what both parents contribute to their development and an understanding of gender roles is crucial in this learning. A personality is the result of seeing examples set for them. If my father is an abusive alcoholic and my mother a meek, submissive victim, my model for masculinity and femininity is shaped by this. Likewise if my mother is an domineering b!tch and my father a softspoken cuckold this also colors my perspective on gender. Taking this a step further, if one parent is absent this creates a gender role vacuum and the child either has to seek it from outside sources or from the existing parent, and this is where it gets real dicey. When that parent is required to provide their interpretation of the opposite gender all of their misinterpretations and misgiving become imprinted on that child. This works for both sexes. The pensive, brooding & resentful mother teaches her son "how to be a man" by insisting he pee sitting down (to leave the lid down) and to be passive/submissive. The other side is she expects him to be an overbearing parody of masculinity since this was the example set for her. Either situation is unhealthy.Bad_Lil'Pixie said:Do you think some men adopt AFCism as a crutch, see it as ‘easy street’ and use it for a simpler walk through life?
Since we're discussing the development of an AFC schema, this example of masculinity had to be set for a man. It had to have been reinforced often enough (by both men and women) that it becomes an ego-investment in his own personality. This investment gets to the point where anything counter to it becomes foreign. He has to defend it with rationalizations and usually ridicule of positive masculinity because anything oppposite to his understanding is an attack on his personality. This is why it is soooo difficult to break guy out of the Matrix.
The AFC mentality is comfortable because it involves the least chance of risk of rejection. One of the hardest obstacles an rAFC has to get over is approaching and initiating, because for more than half his life he's avoided doing this for fear of rejection. This is what led to his AFC status and now he's got to confront it. I should also add this is why serial monogamists chosse this option - there's safety from random rejection in monogamy, regardless of how miserable their monogamy is. Miserable monogamy is perceived as preferable to risking random rejection, and over time a personality is welded to this subconscious understanding. "I'm just a shy guy", "I've never been 'lucky' with the ladies", and "I guess us men will never figure women out" are the catchphrases of this mentality.
As the AFC ages, gets married to a woman that'll settle for him, or marries the single Mom who needs a provider, he lays on even more cement to this ego-investment. It's not enough that he can't figure out why he's miserable, he needs affirmation from other guys that they're just as lost as he is. And when the Man comes around who is even peripherally critical of his lot he falls back on rationalizations and ridicule, while his wife's eyes dialate, her cheeks get flushed and she gets wet listening to the Man give her husband some masculine advice.
I half agree with this, only because I know Men who've unlearned old mental models and have much more fulfilling marriages because the risked new behaviors that their wive's responded to positively. Ususally this came at a time when they had little else to lose by trying new behaviors, but I have seen change nonetheless. Point taken though; the married AFC is much less hopeful than a single AFC since his conditions will rarely put him into a position where he might see what is happening to him. When you have kids to feed, mortgages to pay and credit cards to chase after, you'll have far less impetus to ovehaul your personality.WestCoaster said:Once a guy is a married AFC, he's sunk. The wife sees him as that and all the de-programming into an Alpha Male won't change the wives' perception. Better to get a divorce and start over, or you'll always be a pussified AFC.