Hello Friend,

If this is your first visit to SoSuave, I would advise you to START HERE.

It will be the most efficient use of your time.

And you will learn everything you need to know to become a huge success with women.

Thank you for visiting and have a great day!

The 'Mature' AFC

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Rollo Tomassi

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Bad_Lil'Pixie said:
Do you think some men adopt AFCism as a crutch, see it as ‘easy street’ and use it for a simpler walk through life?
I think in most men's (again lowercase 'M') beginnings, adopting an AFC schema is viewed not so much as a path of least resistance as it is a path of least risk. Children are the sum of what both parents contribute to their development and an understanding of gender roles is crucial in this learning. A personality is the result of seeing examples set for them. If my father is an abusive alcoholic and my mother a meek, submissive victim, my model for masculinity and femininity is shaped by this. Likewise if my mother is an domineering b!tch and my father a softspoken cuckold this also colors my perspective on gender. Taking this a step further, if one parent is absent this creates a gender role vacuum and the child either has to seek it from outside sources or from the existing parent, and this is where it gets real dicey. When that parent is required to provide their interpretation of the opposite gender all of their misinterpretations and misgiving become imprinted on that child. This works for both sexes. The pensive, brooding & resentful mother teaches her son "how to be a man" by insisting he pee sitting down (to leave the lid down) and to be passive/submissive. The other side is she expects him to be an overbearing parody of masculinity since this was the example set for her. Either situation is unhealthy.

Since we're discussing the development of an AFC schema, this example of masculinity had to be set for a man. It had to have been reinforced often enough (by both men and women) that it becomes an ego-investment in his own personality. This investment gets to the point where anything counter to it becomes foreign. He has to defend it with rationalizations and usually ridicule of positive masculinity because anything oppposite to his understanding is an attack on his personality. This is why it is soooo difficult to break guy out of the Matrix.

The AFC mentality is comfortable because it involves the least chance of risk of rejection. One of the hardest obstacles an rAFC has to get over is approaching and initiating, because for more than half his life he's avoided doing this for fear of rejection. This is what led to his AFC status and now he's got to confront it. I should also add this is why serial monogamists chosse this option - there's safety from random rejection in monogamy, regardless of how miserable their monogamy is. Miserable monogamy is perceived as preferable to risking random rejection, and over time a personality is welded to this subconscious understanding. "I'm just a shy guy", "I've never been 'lucky' with the ladies", and "I guess us men will never figure women out" are the catchphrases of this mentality.

As the AFC ages, gets married to a woman that'll settle for him, or marries the single Mom who needs a provider, he lays on even more cement to this ego-investment. It's not enough that he can't figure out why he's miserable, he needs affirmation from other guys that they're just as lost as he is. And when the Man comes around who is even peripherally critical of his lot he falls back on rationalizations and ridicule, while his wife's eyes dialate, her cheeks get flushed and she gets wet listening to the Man give her husband some masculine advice.

WestCoaster said:
Once a guy is a married AFC, he's sunk. The wife sees him as that and all the de-programming into an Alpha Male won't change the wives' perception. Better to get a divorce and start over, or you'll always be a pussified AFC.
I half agree with this, only because I know Men who've unlearned old mental models and have much more fulfilling marriages because the risked new behaviors that their wive's responded to positively. Ususally this came at a time when they had little else to lose by trying new behaviors, but I have seen change nonetheless. Point taken though; the married AFC is much less hopeful than a single AFC since his conditions will rarely put him into a position where he might see what is happening to him. When you have kids to feed, mortgages to pay and credit cards to chase after, you'll have far less impetus to ovehaul your personality.
 

Captain AFC

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Desdinova said:
Agreed 100%. If the AFC husband decides to take his life and his power back, she won't let him. She'll fight to death to keep the power she has over him. If you think she hates him as an AFC, she'll hate and resent him even more as an rAFC. The only options are to remain an AFC, or start fresh with a new woman.

I've read somewhat differently over at mASF (yeah, I've been reading waay too much these days. I've finished my studies finally, and am preparing to go into the real world, but I need to stop being so damn academic).

There's a guy that posts there a lot who claims that he was completely AFC but managed to recover. Perhaps recovery is possible, if done carefully with a willingness to tank the entire relationship. At least, that's what this guy said he did. Being willing to lose the relationship, if only because that's the risk that must be taken in "getting his balls back."
 

WestCoaster

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An rAFC in a married is a rare bird indeed. It can be done, but it's much tougher than a single AFC becoming an rAFC. It's much easier to break single habits than married habits, you're not answering to anyone or at least don't have anyone criticizing or analyzing this change.

In my time in this AFC country, I've yet to see a married AFC become a DJ. It can be done, but it's a tough road.

Heck, it took me years to become an rAFC-pseudo DJ (I'm not there yet, folks) and I'm freaking single. But it's much easier for me to work on it. I can practice my social skills on many, not just one.
 

Rphobe

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In my opinion AFC'ism is complicated, and the signs of AFC'ism in men-women relationships is a sign of a bigger problem: Psychological wounds/problems stemming from crappy childhood and social developent, and problems and tensions in larger society.

Society breeds AFC's and in fact we could also say that those in political power need ways ot neutralizing their populances independence/couageousness and capacity for independent thought and change because they fear rebellion and socio-economic change. The fact is the economic idealogy of any society exerts profound influence over society.

In modern capitalist societies:

-People are more and more selfish
-Less community
-hostile "war of the sexes" mentality
-media's preaching of hedonistic and selfish mentalities
-media's propagandizing of "roles are bad"
-More mobility
-more class based discrimination then ever
-less want to help others
-extreme worker exploitation by businesses
-social and economic idealogical propaganda in school for those that have wealth to maintain their political/economic power.

Is it any wonder why relationships and peoples maturity suffer? You need time to mature and the fact is modern societies provide so many distractions from work/school. You go to work, come home, spend money on either going out or some sort of distraction so you can cope with living and working increasingly insane amount of life-sucking and maturity stunting hours. Even if you enjoy your work, the fact is your time is spent focusing on the work and not hence you have less time for developing healthily.
 

DarkLight

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Great Thread.
The big-picture reality revealed here, is fantastically enlightening.

Strong motivation to live it solid, and right... through and through, as a man.
 

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If you know you can handle it...

If you already have girls calling you at all hours of the day and night, showing up at your door, throwing themselves at you everywhere you go...

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BobFuest

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JC9 said:
Very true. I never met my father, or had any other male influences growing up.

It didn't affect me in my success in any area of life except for women and dating.

It was natural to act more feminine while in a relationship; I would be emotional, soft, clingy. I would be take charge and strong at work or in competition but be the ***** at home.

Took me a while of repeating patterns to realize that the root cause was not me meeting and dating the wrong women, but with my internal perceptions.

:up: :up: for finding sosuave before I was 66 like the guy in Rollo's post
i know exactly what you mean. Although i know my father he was never around. The funny thing is he IS a Don Juan. He should have been being my example and instead i had none. My mother taught me to shave :down:
 

princelydeeds

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WestCoaster said:
One thing I don't understand and perhaps one can enlighten me here: What's the advantage of being a married AFC? I just don't get it. Real men with their nads intact I knew in college are now sniveling wimps at the beckon call of their wives. I've just never understood what their payoff is in these relationships, other then perhaps financial/real estate/double income.
I am reminded of a conversation I had on this subject with a marriage counselor friend. He explained that in a long term relationship SEX becomes the ultimate game or prize. He or (usually) she who wants sex the least controls the relationship. The AFC turns into a little puppy led by his penis. They perform on command and try not to upset the apple cart to get their "scooby snack." Women begin to see themselves as masters who dish out praise or punishment whenever they see fit. After the years pass, the men see this as logical. If I do what she wants she will reward me for good behavior, If I dont make her angry I wil get a reward, If I buy her things she will reward me. It doesn't make much sense but if you give up your power in a relationship this is what can happen.
 
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wayword

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Wow, awesome post!!!

Yes, AFC is a DISEASE - and it can be passed down multi-generationally - just like alcoholism or child abuse.

WE must BREAK this vicious cycle - unless you want yourself and sons to keep suffering!
 

Burningblue

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Great discussion here.
It really is a prison wall constructed by the prisoner. My Dad (he is 60) is quite the AFC living in a nice little prison he has built for himself. He recently lost his job and the best employment he could find was a low paying factory job where he is forced to work over 60 hours per week just to come somewhat close to almost making ends meet. Despite all this, he allows my Mom to sit around with no job at all. Even worse, she spends what little money he has by flying around the country visiting friends and basically living a life a leisure while he works like a slave. Never once has he put his foot down. The best he can muster is the occassional passive-aggressive behavior (which accomplishes nothing). He just won't step forward and be the leader that God intended a man to be. No, rather than being the leader, I fear that he will be the slave for the rest of his days.
I am incredibly thankful that I stumbled across this website. I would have ended up a slave too. This forum has opened my eyes to what is really going on all around me. Even if I can't open the eyes of others, I'm hopeful that my life and the life of my future family will be the exception to the rule in this dysfunctional society. Great thread. This place is changing lives daily.
 

WestCoaster

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BurningBlue, true this place changes lives. The problem? I "stumbled" upon it, too. It's like a hidden vault, it's the only thing out there on being a man.

Challenge for all you dudes out there. Next time you're at Barnes & Noble, Borders, or any other bookstore, go to the self-help section and see how many books written about and for men are directed towards masculinity, and how many are directed towards appeasing women?

This is the only source of information on how to be a man that I've found.
 

A-Unit

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Re:

The first problem is having the eyes to recognize the patterns of what is right and what is wrong, of recognizing your boundaries, of having respect for them, and standing for something.

The second problem is actually doing it. Or shall I say "responsibility."

Many men, not viewing the healthy interactions of male/female, don't understand the dynamic, and when they don't understand the dynamic, then they're trapped by human natures biggest weapons of guilt and conscience. What she says might sound 'socially' right, but it doesn't make her behavior right.

As in the case of Westcoaster's guy getting cussed out at a bar...the guys' first mistake was entertaining this girl's attitude and method of attacking him for being out late. The second one was actually giving any credence to it. He should have gone back to partying or whatever he was doing and told her he'd be home later. And the third was to be like, "if you don't like me or it, leave. Leave me. Be done."

When you can see under the veil of a woman's behavior her desire to control and be selfish, you have 1 piece of the puzzle. The other is to "risk" losing it all, to "gain" the world. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't have boundaries, if I didn't bark and bite when a girl goes too far, and if I told her in no uncertain terms, "you don't like my life, there's the door, I'm sure some other guy will love this situation, and some other girl with love a new situation with me."

It's not a matter of being a prize, at least right now it isn't. I know as a person, fvck guy, a person, I have as many rights to what I WANT, as she does. Moreover, I would NEVER do what a woman does to a man to get my point laid across, to I "expect" it not to happen to me. If it does, she gets a time out. Maybe the time out is me not answering my phone, leaving, driving her home, or just ignoring her, but until she can act appropriate, rather than CODDLE her misbehavior, I have no business in dealing with a person on that level. As I tell a woman, if my own mother who gave birth to me doesn't treat me the way "you" do, why would I EVER tolerate it from some girl who's known me a mere fraction of my life?

------------------------

I'm glad you made this post, RT, which is what goes beyond the AFC dynamic of childhood and teenage years and hopefully repairs many a broken man. The true player/jerk/d!ck laying pipe across alot of women will be a small % of the population and will never fall victim to the AFC old mentality. However, a larger % will.

Even from women now I hear how OTHER MEN behave, how other MEN dode over women, coddle them, OVER-appreciate them like some SEX AND THE CITY LIFE. Good for those guys. And normally this woman wants awards without achievement. I think that's the con-current problem. Not that men can control it, but these days EVERYONE gets respect and appreciation just for participating. Look at sports when you're young, everyone gets a trophy. Everyone gets a star. Why? We don't want kids to feel bad. Kids can't even get spanked. So in turn, there's this sense of OVER-expectation and ENTITLEMENT of treatment, and the girl will only accept what she knows, and if a guy doesn't break that down, she'll accept what he gives her OR she'll find the AFC guy to do it for her. MAYBE, she's the lucky 1% who will be rich or is rich and will cater to her, however, even that's rare.

Girls will always try to set up boundaries, just like they did as kids, just as they will to their brother's or friends. They won't speak up and be like..."Ok this is what I want." They'll take until you break. Why do you think the AFC-friend who wants in her pants keeps thinking you're just friends even though you do everything for her? Because she only wants to be friends, but you keep doing "nice" things and she thinks you want to do them as "friends." That isn't the case though. You want more, she gives signals like she wants more but doesn't, so you keep the cycle running. In the end, you're bitter because you misinterpret her signals.

A girl figures this because you're a man. She's used to someone leading and understanding her, since she so rarely understands herself with anysense of certainty.

-------------

My own parents are opposite of the AFC spectrum. My father pretty much does what he wants, goes where he wants, when he wants. Sure, they had their violent fights of screaming, but it was just boundary pushing. Nothing I would dub as abuse. Yet, they've been together over 25 (nearly 30 years). My dad didn't hang with me much as a kid, because he was working to keep the roof over our heads, but he would teach me yardwork, fixing things, how to care for cars, golf, some sports, etc. Mom worked(s) as a nurse. She did what she had to to help with this household, but would have preferred raising us at home until dad returned. Grandfather taught us to shoot and took us to playgrounds as we aged, while the parents were away. What people would dub as "fighting" to me is healthy. It's the male-female dynamic. Centuries of evolution can't wring out the inborn biological natures we have. That alone is separate programming that's not easily over-ridden.

The biggest problem I've seen with the whole dynamic change between the sexes is women ATTEMPTING to duplicate what men do, are good at, and they love. The beauty in men-women relationships is that each sex does what they love to do and are good at. Women love setting up the social scene at home and making it perfect. A man likes to provide a woman with the resources to do so. Most guys would like to go the party, but not have to set it up, make the appetizers and decorate. Most guys like yard work, it's a sense of conquering nature for us, or being a part of it. Few women want to get truly dirty, play with bugs and dirt mounds, and manipulate machines to do so. Men want to build the house, the edges, and have small piece of it, women want to set up and make it soft and homey. What's wrong with this dynamic? If 2 people are right, it fits perfect. Its a perfect partnership.

With my current girl, she knows I don't like laying out a football sunday for my friends, but I don't mind supplying the cash and location for it. Afterwards, I'll help clean up, too. She's good at it, and she likes it. Not all relationships are like that. Some are reverse, the guy likes to cook, clean, etc. Whatever suits you. Many times I've had a girl ask me about "why I hung with a friend on such and such a day." I told I have no justification for what I do, and a woman isn't looking for any. Really its' more a trap than anything. She isn't looking for an answer, she's looking for a hook to spit out her feelings, to tell you she's disappointed in your choice over her. It's like poker, when she has POCKET Aces (AA) and on the flop she knows she has you beat, yet you call, raise, re raise, and go all in when you're beat. Don't do it. Playing her games automatically raises power to her side. Respect her, give credence to her as a person, but when she flips her shyt, don't give in. The minute you do it's the little girl who wants a pony. If you give in on a minute scale, she'll do it again and again.

----------------

Again, you have to get the eyes (mind), from places like SoSuave. And then act upon it as you see it. To me it's the underlying philosophy that works. For other's, it might be something else. But you have to get first...

1. Your life exists before she entered. It will exist after she leaves or when she does.
2. Your mom is generally number 1, if girls close to you wouldn't do it, don't tolerate it. If you don't have good female role models, then seek positive ones that build you up.
3. She's entitled to her opinion, just like you're entitled to your's. Neither has to agree on them, but you BOTH have to respect them. The fault is in getting emotional about her opinion and pissed. If you expect to have freedom on your's, she gets her's.
4. Don't allow her to press your boundaries too much or it will continue. On a first date if she answers the phone, that's only the beginning of her trying to peel off time to force you into her wants.

There's more. Great post, RT and WestCoast CHOPPER!




A-Unit
 

WestCoaster

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A-Unit said:
As in the case of Westcoaster's guy getting cussed out at a bar...the guys' first mistake was entertaining this girl's attitude and method of attacking him for being out late. The second one was actually giving any credence to it. He should have gone back to partying or whatever he was doing and told her he'd be home later. And the third was to be like, "if you don't like me or it, leave. Leave me. Be done."
And he married this gal, and she's always been mean and b-tchy to him. No shocker there.

The bad behaviors, attitudes, and patterns that women display during the dating process will only be heightened or increased once married. Very, very few women get better with time. The rare ones that do actually take the time to get educated -- as in go to school or read books and turn off the TV and quit reading sh-t -- or do some kind of self-improvement.

If a woman is mean and b-tchy during the dating period, she will be that as a wife. Amazing how many guys don't know this.

I've yet to hear this from one of my married friends or from anyone for that matter: "You know, my wife was a real beyotch when we were dating, but since we've gotten married, she's gotten way better."

Being selective in finding a mate is not wrong, but women scream that men are too picky. Uh, it's a pretty important decision, make a wise decision. You're not buying a car.
 

bauer_23

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RT and others, I find your posts insightful and a very interesting read. This thread touches upon aspects of my friends whom exhibit the traits described by many of you.

I am on the lower end of the age spectrum represented by this forum, as are most of my friends. Myself, I am still in the single scene, whereas most of my friends are at the points in their relationships were they have been going out with their girlfriends for at least a few years. Each month, a new friend seems to get married, or engaged to their girlfriend. Already, I see what many of you describe in them.

1- Their girlfriends ever controlling aura which pervades their lives.

2- guys talking to other guys about their controlling girlfriends as if it was normal.

More specifically two of my friends who never really had any game what so ever before they met their first girlfriend/ future wives. At first, it started out as many good relationships do, but as time passes, the true nature of these girls slowly reveals itself in domineering attitude, materialism, and selfishness. Obviously my friends want sex far more than their respective girlfriends, which give them the power. If she needs a 2 hour car ride to catch a plane, he will unquestionably do it. if he needs to drop off a car, for example, she will not oblige what so ever.

An rAFC in a married is a rare bird indeed. It can be done, but it's much tougher than a single AFC becoming an rAFC. It's much easier to break single habits than married habits, you're not answering to anyone or at least don't have anyone criticizing or analyzing this change.

In my time in this AFC country, I've yet to see a married AFC become a DJ. It can be done, but it's a tough road.


why should a AFC who is married change? he gets what he wants, sex. According to him, his model worked optimally. The single AFC in more cases has to change to re tune his model. Whatever they did, they did wrong. Something they did needs fine tuning.

For years, I was upset i never managed to land a hot girlfriend when I was more of an AFC. Heck even as late as this past jan, I succumbed to bad past habits, and didnt land a girl I wanted. But, in hindsight, i am glad I did not. Had I landed this girl earlyer this year, I would have reaffirmed that my poor tactics worked flawlessly, and forever engrained them into my psyche as a successful methodology to attract women.

Failure is a necessary step towards becoming a DJ. Those guys who marry their first girlfriends do not get the full array of experiences necessary in my mind to chose a true life partner. Sure, it sucks failing with women, I should know, I do that alot. But like anything in life worthwhile, time and perseverance pay off.
 

Rollo Tomassi

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bauer_23 said:
Failure is a necessary step towards becoming a DJ.
Absolutely.

Failure is more beneficial than success in this regard and this is exactly what guys fear because failure comes as rejection, or in the case of the attached AFC, a fear of rejection. The young AFC will rely on a deductive reasoning (as most males do) which goes something like this:

I have a physical need for sex -> Women have the sex I need -> I must find out what women require for their sexuality -> I ask women what prerequisites they require for this exchange -> I must model my personality, behavior and ambitions to best exemplify these prerequisites -> I must perform these behaviors for her approval -> I get sex.

This is simple male logic and ultimately self-destructive because the women he petitions find it easier to require the dictates of social contrivances that they feel should be expected of him (and modified by their own set of contrivances) than to actually give him the honest truth which would set him on his ass in rejection, but would help him learn how to genuinely develop his own identity.

It's this failure that teaches most accurately. On several occasions I've advised guys to be more wary of their successes than thier failures. Men meticulously pore over and analyze the minute details of why a date went sour or why a woman cheated on or LJBFed them, but the moment they F-Close for the first time, the minute they taste that sweet successs they've been aching for so long to achieve, the story changes to "OK Rollo, thanks for all of your help, I can take it from here." I can think of at least 4 rAFCs I've personally counseled that aped the behavior well enough to get their "ONE" dream girl then crashed and burned in exactly the way I warned them they would because they never questioned why they succeeded.

When I was counseling in Reno, the single most common complaint I heard from older AFCs was how they got a "raw deal" for doing everything that was expected from them. They did, to the letter, everything that they thought women expected of them. They were "good guys", they played by the rules (women had set for them), they weren't 'Players', they paid their bills, they sacrificed their own ambitions to benefit their wives and children, they fed the dog and took out the garbage; but these guys were miserable because the fear of rejection, the "I'd lose her for sure if I rock the boat" scarcity mentality was more powerful than recognizing a deficit in appreciation from their wives for the life-sacrifices they made in order to keep the peace and ensure a steady supply of mediocre sexual exchange.

Anything can become normal. Once the responsibilities and routines of life cement a couple together ,the subtle abuse can seem commonplace.
 

Latinoman

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Burningblue said:
Great discussion here.
It really is a prison wall constructed by the prisoner. My Dad (he is 60) is quite the AFC living in a nice little prison he has built for himself. He recently lost his job and the best employment he could find was a low paying factory job where he is forced to work over 60 hours per week just to come somewhat close to almost making ends meet. Despite all this, he allows my Mom to sit around with no job at all. Even worse, she spends what little money he has by flying around the country visiting friends and basically living a life a leisure while he works like a slave. Never once has he put his foot down. The best he can muster is the occassional passive-aggressive behavior (which accomplishes nothing). He just won't step forward and be the leader that God intended a man to be. No, rather than being the leader, I fear that he will be the slave for the rest of his days.
I am incredibly thankful that I stumbled across this website. I would have ended up a slave too. This forum has opened my eyes to what is really going on all around me. Even if I can't open the eyes of others, I'm hopeful that my life and the life of my future family will be the exception to the rule in this dysfunctional society. Great thread. This place is changing lives daily.

I agree with you...this place change lives (in particular the Mature Forum).
 

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WestCoaster

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If married sex is exchanged (and I know it is) based on behaviors, you're not making love, or really having sex, you're just exchanging favors or accepting punishment. It's really no different than your mom allowing you to go out and play with your friends if you clean your room. I'm not an advocate of prostitution, but that kind of married sex is really no different than that of buying a 'ho: "Here's my money, let's do it" ... except the 'ho is probably nicer about everything.

I have a lot of friends and most are married, and I can count about three who are married DJ's: No surprise, but two of them are in great marriages (the third in a bad one because his wife is a beyotch). They have control of their emotions, are successful professionally, treat their wives with respect but don't beg for anything ... and in turn, the women let them have their own lives. Then again, two married very emotionally stable, educated women.

I really can't stand married AFCs and I hang out with some, it's true torture and near-impossible to reform them.

Thank God I found sosuave.com when I did ... I was headed down that same path.
 

Latinoman

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WestCoaster said:
I have a lot of friends and most are married, and I can count about three who are married DJ's: No surprise, but two of them are in great marriages (the third in a bad one because his wife is a beyotch). They have control of their emotions, are successful professionally, treat their wives with respect but don't beg for anything ... and in turn, the women let them have their own lives. Then again, two married very emotionally stable, educated women.
I was in a marriage like that. Total DJ for me. Everything you described from her.

However, I ended up leaving. I don't have regrets doing that...but I know that the chances of finding a woman like that for MARRIAGE are very slim. That's why she is the mother of my children and NO other woman will have that title; ever.

Women try to be more manipulative and controlling these days. Especially women that are at certain age group. I have no problem with them TRYING that (I mean, who can blame them). But when they try too much, that's a clear indication that she is not marriage material and it is a matter of time when I should next her. They don't realize that at times the DJ is just taking a break or focusing in other things (e.g. job, etc.) while having a steady partner. :)
 

newbie81

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Latinoman said:
They don't realize that at times the DJ is just taking a break or focusing in other things (e.g. job, etc.) while having a steady partner. :)
Bingo! I have an LTR with a girl that is *****y all the time about me not freeing enough time for her (but also about other things).

I have a lot better to do than listening to her *****ing or even discuss her *****ing with her. Business & training are much more important now.

I know that I won't marry her, but my focus is just on other things. When the businuss developpes & quit my current job, life will taste sweet.

Is these why you left Latinoman? You achieved what you had been focussing on?
 

WestCoaster

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Also, if you're being AFC to get married sex, then the wifey knows this and she calls all the shots on it. If you're a DJ, the wife has a small thought back in her head that you can get action when and wherever you want, so she treats you with more respect.

It's really about respect: self-respect and respect from your partner.

If you don't have self-respect you can't get partner respect.

Begging, supplicating, whining, AFCing ... unmanlike, IMO, the guy is acting like a woman.

AFCism is destroying manhood.
 

azanon

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First, this is a really good thread so i'm bumping it:

The question that remains on my mind, is this: Is going from pure AFC while "married and relatively happy" to rAFC or full-blown DJ always going to be a good thing for the man and for everyone else in his life too? Going from AFC to rAFC to DJ brings with it a gain of a tremendous amount of power. Presuming no one else is changing along side him (which is not completely true in my case because i married a smart woman), is it going to cause a major shift in power? That's new power that can be used in a variety of ways such as strengthening the marriage, to cheating, to divorce. Obviouly, those latter two things could potentially bring less-than-desirable, long-term results.

Its reminiscent of me of the "dark side" in star wars movies. A dark jedi is so powerful, there can only be two of them otherwise they'd just all kill each other. The ultimate downside of having all of that power is, that you eventually end up destroying yourself. For the married guy, it could occur from cheating or divorce. For the single guy, it could be an end result similar to Magic Johnson. Now you might say, a real DJ wouldnt cheat. But i rebut, its easier said than done to, all-of-a-sudden, find yourself armed with a lot of new power, then elect not to use most of it.

So I wonder, is the assumption that turning a married AFC into a DJ will help him, possibly be a situation of not seeing the forest for the trees? Is focusing on being DJ (married or not) perhaps not the wisest of moves in all cases?

These are things i'm having to think about. Without question, I am more powerful now. I've always had the superficial things (looks, money, education, etc), but now i have that which is priceless as well. So far so good, but I hope i dont end up destroying myself. As any rAFC or DJ knows, there is no going back. I just don't know if that's a good thing yet or not.
 
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