SoSuave? Or Dear Abby?

Amante Silvestre

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Abigail Van Buren is a journalist very well know for her “Dear Abby” column in which she provides solutions to people who write in to her about very specific problems in their relationships, dating and/or love life in general.

It had occurred to me, as I read through and answer many threads here, that many of us have taken on the role of Abigail Van Buren. It would seem to me that many topics these days typically ask how to micro-manage a situation that a person is already deeply mired in; a situation with so many social and personal nuances unearthed.

It is in my own, personal opinion that SoSuave is a site aimed predominantly toward the goal of making men… better men. Improving men. Building men. Stronger men. Giving men an improved sense of direction and purpose for themselves. And, while I agree that asking how to handle a certain situation can sometimes be a learning experience, the greater question will always be why you ended up there to begin with.

In essence, I decided to post this thread with one simple piece of advice that I believe will help a lot of men:

The next time you start a thread, ask yourself a simple question: “Am I posting a Dear Abby kind of question, or am I asking how to become an improved man permanently moving forward”?

You would be very surprised how the answer to that simple question can make a big difference in how you ask for help. That can be the all the difference you need between how to micromanage one problem in a unique situation (which is damage control) vs. finding the means to resolve and avoid such problems from reoccurring in your life with all women forever moving forward (which is true self improvement).

Just my own 2 cents worth. Cheers!
 

taiyuu_otoko

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Here's an angle, a metaphor that may be appropriate.

Life is like a boxing match. SoSuave is the guy in the corner that gives you advice in between rounds.

It can be helpful, or it can be ignored. The main thing is to get out there and fight when the bell rings.

If all you do is argue with your corner guy, you ain't ever gonna win shyte.
 

Amante Silvestre

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Here's an angle, a metaphor that may be appropriate.

Life is like a boxing match. SoSuave is the guy in the corner that gives you advice in between rounds.

It can be helpful, or it can be ignored. The main thing is to get out there and fight when the bell rings.

If all you do is argue with your corner guy, you ain't ever gonna win shyte.

That's an interesting analogy, and I do agree with it, to an extent.

But I would view a boxing analogy to be more like this:

The opposing boxer is that one woman in particular each man is posting about. There were other opposing boxers before this match, and there will be opposing boxers after this match. Each opposing boxer will have their own particular fighting styles... their own strengths and weaknesses.

A Dear Abby question is like getting advice from your trainer in the corner between rounds. Yes, it will help in the short term with this particular match up, with this particular opponent. But you next opponent may not have the same weaknesses. Following the same situational advice with a different kind of boxer can lead to your ass getting KO'd.

SoSuave, I would say, is more like the grueling training that goes on for months before any fight. How to be a stronger, better, faster and smarter boxer in general. The kind of training you need to face any opponent.
 

Fruitbat

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Here's an angle, a metaphor that may be appropriate.

Life is like a boxing match. SoSuave is the guy in the corner that gives you advice in between rounds.

It can be helpful, or it can be ignored. The main thing is to get out there and fight when the bell rings.

If all you do is argue with your corner guy, you ain't ever gonna win shyte.
Some of the advice on here could have solved me a lot of issues if I had listened.

Some of it is utter Shyte that would have ruined my life if I had listened.

Very hard to distinguish. A lot of the advice is just aimed at people proving a point and trying to back you into a corner.

Another thing is, some men are dating women who live in trailers. Others are dating women who have careers. We come from all walks of life and what is suited to some isn’t to others.

Other times, my own mis reading of a situation has led to advice that was sound, but based on my own faulty explanation.

I really like the general “how to live your life” stuff as it’s universal.
 

taiyuu_otoko

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Following the same situational advice with a different kind of boxer can lead to your ass getting KO'd.
I was thinking of the boxing match as life in general, not any one particular relationship.

True learning only comes in the field, in the moment, in the experience.

The ration of "advice" to "living" is about the same as a in a boxing match.

I believe too many guys OVERESTIMATE the value of advice and UNDERESTIMATE the value of experience.
 

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The_411

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I think the problem stems from people wanting a short term solution (micro) when the framework (macro) needs to be set up so that you aren’t asking the if she does this then what do I do, aka Dear Abbey, that Amante is describing.

It’s akin to the guy who reads So Suave learns a few tricks/tactics to attract a woman and then wants help with specific situations when the small knowledge base runs out.

There’s nothing wrong so to speak with asking questions, but learn the fundamentals and learn how the “game” integrates with who you are so your actions and body language are congruent. You may still have questions but they will be tinkering with process questions rather than try to get the answer for every eventuality.

It’s pointless to pass one test and then fail the next because you either did know there was a test or you couldn’t find the right answer.
 

samspade

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I dunno but here's some side trivia. Abigail Van Buren ("Dear Abby") and Ann Landers were twin sisters. They each wrote wildly successful syndicated advice columns, but became estranged in the process. Neither here nor there but I always found it fascinating.
 

Glassguy

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Good post Amante.

There is no shortcut to success. Sometimes failure is the teacher of the best lessons.

While it is certainly easy in today's online world to ask for help, it is the experience of the trials and tribulations that stick with us as learning experiences in the long run.

Life in itself is a constant process of learning new and applying already obtained knowledge. We will never know everything but throw constant self improvement we can put ourselves in situations that benefit ourselves.
 

Trump

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It had occurred to me, as I read through and answer many threads here, that many of us have taken on the role of Abigail Van Buren. It would seem to me that many topics these days typically ask how to micro-manage a situation that a person is already deeply mired in; a situation with so many social and personal nuances unearthed.

It is in my own, personal opinion that SoSuave is a site aimed predominantly toward the goal of making men… better men. Improving men. Building men. Stronger men. Giving men an improved sense of direction and purpose for themselves. And, while I agree that asking how to handle a certain situation can sometimes be a learning experience, the greater question will always be why you ended up there to begin with.
Decent point.

Yet the main issue I find in sosuave is it assumes there are tons and tons and tons and tons of available, good looking, single, young women with little baggage ready who are ready and willing to date/be in a relationship.have sex on a moment's notice. This is not reality.

The reality is there are limited options and one can not simply turn over a new leaf when they hit adversity. That's why there are so many questions how to micro manage a situation. You can't always be alpha and put yourself in the best position. You have to take some hits.

Is it "mindset of abundance" or "living in reality"?
 

Infern0

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I think in a lot of cases it's a particular situation that's going south that leads many people here to find help.

I'm always happy to try and give advice, but I've found that honestly if a situation has gotten to that point we are usually looking at a dropped frame that is usually going to be unsalvageable.

To use another boxing analogy though, if you keep getting hit with the jab and the coach shows you how to slip the jab, don't come back next week with your head rooted to center line and ask why you are getting lit up.
 

Amante Silvestre

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Decent point.

Yet the main issue I find in sosuave is it assumes there are tons and tons and tons and tons of available, good looking, single, young women with little baggage ready who are ready and willing to date/be in a relationship.have sex on a moment's notice. This is not reality.

The reality is there are limited options and one can not simply turn over a new leaf when they hit adversity. That's why there are so many questions how to micro manage a situation. You can't always be alpha and put yourself in the best position. You have to take some hits.

Is it "mindset of abundance" or "living in reality"?
There are women, from time to time, that I come across that are not like the others.

Now, I know when I say “not like the others”, it is a phrase that triggers many on SS. “Holy sh*t he said not like the others! Pvssy on a pedestal!!!...blah blah blah”.

But these unique types of women do come along every now and then.

The most difficult part of “keeping your cool” is literally keeping your cool when such women DO come along.

The very idea that you are somehow blessed for having time with a worthy woman amongst very “limited options” can in itself make you not only too thirsty, but too thirsty for less.

Sure, many of us live in places where options are limited, but if you fall into a habit of acting grateful for scraps, you’ll never operate on that plane you deserve as a man. You’re already compromising before the relationships begins.

It’s the hardest thing to do: hold steady on your standards when few women live up to it.

I do it every day.

It sucks.

But I do it. Because it’s better than the alternative.
 

ubercat

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@Trump it's kind of a good thing the options r limited. That gives u time to work on yourself between bouts. In my pua days I was drowning in puss. But asleep at the wheel in the rest of my life. Which (plug plug) is y I date Asian. They actually encourage u to do the work that makes you strong.
 

zekko

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The next time you start a thread, ask yourself a simple question: “Am I posting a Dear Abby kind of question, or am I asking how to become an improved man permanently moving forward”?
Are you trying to besmirch the memory of Dear Abby? Apparently they still print it, even though Abigail died in 2013.
Her daughter has taken it over.

I dunno but here's some side trivia. Abigail Van Buren ("Dear Abby") and Ann Landers were twin sisters. They each wrote wildly successful syndicated advice columns, but became estranged in the process..
Our newspaper ran Ann Landers.
To which all the younger folk say: "What's a newspaper?".
 

Tilex

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Did anyone ever read Savage Love? @zekko did you see this in your newspaper?
My local metropolitan City paper used to publish Savage Love articles every Thursday.
I used to read it all the time in the late 90's, not knowing who the author was.
I thought it was written by some college kid being a smart ass.
Never knew what he looked like until I saw his face on TV a decade later.
 
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zekko

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Did anyone ever read Savage Love? @zekko did you see this in your newspaper?
Can't say I've ever heard of Savage Love.
Let me make clear I no longer get the newspaper - I'm not THAT far behind the times lol.
 

fanatic22

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I believe I posted twice about specific problems I was having with certain women. The first time was about a question a woman asked me a while ago: "what are we?" The first poster @djthiago1 clarified what should have been extremely obvious to me: she wanted exclusivity. That post significantly improved my ability to respond in the future when I have been asked that question. The second time I posted a text back-and-forth with woman who had clearly low interest. Everyone was brutally honest about that and @Glassguy had some great example lines I used to reframe my texts in a more aloof/outcome indifferent way. Amante, your responses to specific problems have also been enlightening.

Some posters (we all know who they are) like to repeatedly post about their problems while ignoring everyone's advice. But I think the "theory" is hard to internalize without examples. And, frankly, the examples are fun to read. I don't think I'd stick around if everyone here was just playing amateur psychologist.
 
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