So my GF's not so "innocent" after all, what to do..

BigWillyStyle

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So my GF came over my place yesterday and told me a little secret she said I should know. Actually, I wish I didn't know as I've now lost some respect for her, had she not told me it would have been a case of ignorance is bliss.

So here goes. My GF told me she got out of her last relationship at the end of June last year. So she's been single for about 8 months since we started dating.

Thing is she says, at about mid November last year she met a guy at a bar. He seemed nice so they became friends, then a month later so just before xmas
she said in her words:
"I was lonely having being single for about 5 months, I haven't had a fvck in 5 months and was getting sexually frustrated, I trusted my new friend and him being single too we decided to set up a fvck buddy relationship on the pretence that if we find a partner we call the fvck buddy relationship off. Which I have, Will"

I didn't say much after that and said I'm feeling tired and start work early tomorrow, which is bull**** I got a rostered day off today. I said we'll talk about it tomorrow.

I'm a hypocrite but fvck buddy relationships for women feel degrading and vile to me, I wouldn't have a problem if she slept with 100 boyfriends, but having a strictly SEX ONLY no strings attached relationship makes girls look dirty and slutty in my opinion.

It double stings too because a couple days earlier(when i thought she was a saint)she was talking about how she doesn't rush things and doesn't believe in One Night Stands etc but because she was sexually frustrated, single and in need of "a fvck coz it's been 5 months" it was ok at the time, even though she says she probably wouldn't do something like that again. She "Just doesn't want to be somebodys piece of ass" as she put it.

I don't know, we haven't been going out long, but she'll fvck some guy as a fvck buddy thing but won't put out for her BF(ME!) who she's in a relationship with yet...

She's been calling all day and leaving me test msg'es on my cell phone I've just been ignoring them all. I don't know what to do. I mean she's great though, I just thought she was more "innocent"... What too do. Also another thing, she said she's wants to see him as friends though still, if thats ok with me. I just said "yeah I guess so"

Agghh, anyone here had a GF they thought was innocent but then said they had a fvck buddy as little as 2 months ago? I don't know, everytime I think of her I think of this fvck buddy "Simon". Her getting fvcked hard and her loving it.... agghhh I can't erase it. As I said I wouldn't have a problem if she had a 100 previous BF's and she fvcked them all, but Fvck buddy relationships make me lose lots of respect for the girl...

Sorry this is my longest thread ever, but I had to get out all the details. So, Advice pleeeease?
 
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earthshyne

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Just the fact that it's causing you so much grief (rightly or wrongly... no judgement here, just observation) should tell you something.

Next...
 

dearsappho

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M8...youre letting the past dictate your future, and its not even your past thats the issue.

All this happened before she met you right? Well then its none of your business. Let it ride and enjoy yourself with this woman.

If she cheats on you then dump her.

Let the present dictate your future.
 

cactus3178

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Whoa, whoa, whoa.

This chick, your GIRLFRIEND, hasn't had sex with you yet, had a f*ck buddy as little as two months ago (how long have you been together?), and wants to be friends with said f*ck buddy?

Just clarifying.
 

BigWillyStyle

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Just the fact that it's causing you so much grief (rightly or wrongly... no judgement here, just observation) should tell you something. Next...
Well I could do that, but other then this one situation she is pretty innocent. So I dump her and I find someone else, I'm sure the next girl will have alot more WORSE BAGGAGE then this one does.. unfortunately I can't go back 60yrs where girls where more "moral"



M8...youre letting the past dictate your future, and its not even your past thats the issue.All this happened before she met you right? Well then its none of your business. Let it right and enjoy yourself with this woman.
Wow, this is good advice, exactly what a good friend told me today as well, cheers dearsappho. Yes all this did happen before I met her, so yes it is none of my business. I just can't help it though. She sent me a text msg on the mobile today "I hope you didn't lose some respect for me since I told you this" I didn't reply, but to be honest, I did, I lost alot of respect actually. It just seems to sordid and out of character for a girl who "likes to wait before having sex" to go and get a fvck buddy. I just see her with this fvck buddy guy in my mind, having wild kinky sex. Aggh it's not pretty. I guess, I just got swallow it and not let it affect the future, its hard though. Compared to most women though she doesn't amy baggage. God damn it, why'd she have to tell me this ****! Well, I'll try and just erase it I guess. If she does cheat( I don't THINK she will anytime soon) she is definately gone, no questions asked.
 
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Dapper Swindler

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At least this must mean she is ready to fvck you right?

Yeah, it probably sucks to hear her say that, but it is in the past. If you really can't handle it then you have every right to next her. But if you want to stay with her then you'll have to let it go. Maybe if the relationship doesn't work out you can be her new fvck buddy?
 

BigWillyStyle

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This chick, your GIRLFRIEND, hasn't had sex with you yet, had a f*ck buddy as little as two months ago (how long have you been together?), and wants to be friends with said f*ck buddy?
Yeah we met about 4-5 weeks ago and saw each other often, one week ago she asked to go "exclusive" She asked how I'd feel if she continues seeing her fvck buddy as a friend ONLY, as she said she that's ALL SHE wants from him. I stupidly said "yeah that's ok I guess" I have reason to trust her because she has been extremely candid with me so far. I dunno, fvck buddies... nasty.:(
 

Wyldfire

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Will...I'm going to try to offer you a different persepctive on this.

She obviously didn't care whether or not the other guy liked or respected her...nor did she view him as someone she wanted to develop a relationship with.

Now, the fact that she was willing to risk your opinion of her by being honest about this would indicate that it really has been bothering her that she hadn't told you. That means it is VERY important to her that you like, respect and trust her. She WANTS to develop a serious relationship with you or she would not have told you about this.

Regarding putting off sex for a little while...this is something a girl will do if she really wants you to respect, like and value her. It also gives the emotional side of things a better chance to develop further. As soon as a couple starts having sex it tends to stunt the emotional growth of the relationship for quite awhile. Often it doesn't grow any further because the couple breaks up before they ever get to that point.

This girl GENUINELY cares about you. She's treading very carefully and handling things with care because she VALUES you.

I know it sounds kinda nutty...but this is how girls think. Just know that YOU are the one she cares about and wants whenever thinking about this starts to get to you.
 

whistler

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I actually think it's a good sign that she told you about him. After all, how does telling you something she's probably ashamed of in her past give her an advantage?

Her wanting to stay friends with the guy is a little disturbing. There willl obviously be sexual tension between them, even if she doesn't think so. After all, the relationship was all about sex.

But consider that she really didn't like the guy too much (if she did, she would have wanted to be more than just f-buddies).

All in all, I think you're OK. I'd be pissed though, if she spent any time alone with him. You're her guy, not him. They can stay "friends," but there shouldn't be any serious contact.

* No girl in a relationaship should spend time alone with a guy who isn't her boyfriend or a close family friend, let alone someone she's f*cked.
 

Wyldfire

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Originally posted by BigWillyStyle
Yeah we met about 4-5 weeks ago and saw each other often, one week ago she asked to go "exclusive" She asked how I'd feel if she continues seeing her fvck buddy as a friend ONLY, as she said she that's ALL SHE wants from him. I stupidly said "yeah that's ok I guess" I have reason to trust her because she has been extremely candid with me so far. I dunno, fvck buddies... nasty.:(
You should tell her that you really aren't comfortable with her spending any time alone with this other guy. You shouldn't demand she not talk to him or still be friends...just not any one on one time. In light of the situation she should understand and respect that.
 
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squirrels

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Originally posted by BigWillyStyle

I'm a hypocrite but fvck buddy relationships for women feel degrading and vile to me, I wouldn't have a problem if she slept with 100 boyfriends, but having a strictly SEX ONLY no strings attached relationship makes girls look dirty and slutty in my opinion.
Then she's not the girl for you. You have NO right to judge her absolutely because I'm sure you're no saint, but just find another girl.


It double stings too because a couple days earlier(when i thought she was a saint)she was talking about how she doesn't rush things and doesn't believe in One Night Stands etc but because she was sexually frustrated, single and in need of "a fvck coz it's been 5 months" it was ok at the time, even though she says she probably wouldn't do something like that again. She "Just doesn't want to be somebodys piece of ass" as she put it.
There's a BIG difference between a one-night-stand and having a sex-only relationship with a friend that you trust. You need to understand this difference, even if you don't acknowledge it yourself.


I don't know, we haven't been going out long, but she'll fvck some guy as a fvck buddy thing but won't put out for her BF(ME!) who she's in a relationship with yet...
Ahh...HERE we go. It's "sour grapes", is it? You're not ticked because you think her having a f-buddy is unnatural or vile, but because YOU weren't the f-buddy.

You ARE a hypocrite.


She's been calling all day and leaving me test msg'es on my cell phone I've just been ignoring them all. I don't know what to do. I mean she's great though, I just thought she was more "innocent"... What too do.
Well she's not. So you either get over it or you find a new girl. This is not a drama-case or a mind-bending decision. It's only BECOME that because you've made it that way in your head. Free your mind and stop hating yourself and other people over something stupid.


Also another thing, she said she's wants to see him as friends though still, if thats ok with me. I just said "yeah I guess so"
I said "free your mind," not "surrender your balls." So you've displayed pettiness, insecurity, AND pvssiness all in regard to this one incident.


Agghh, anyone here had a GF they thought was innocent but then said they had a fvck buddy as little as 2 months ago? I don't know, everytime I think of her I think of this fvck buddy "Simon". Her getting fvcked hard and her loving it.... agghhh I can't erase it. As I said I wouldn't have a problem if she had a 100 previous BF's and she fvcked them all, but Fvck buddy relationships make me lose lots of respect for the girl...
...when you're not the fvck-buddy. :p


Sorry this is my longest thread ever, but I had to get out all the details. So, Advice pleeeease?
Here's some advice...figure out WHAT it is you want. If you want a girl who's only slept with steady boyfriends and no one else, then this is not the girl for you and you should just tell her that you can't deal with that and you just want to be friends.

Personally, I fail to see the distinction between an f-buddy and a boyfriend. An F-buddy is just a boyfriend without the overhead, without all the emotional ties of the relationship. Again, if you feel sex is no good without the emotional ties, this is not the girl for you.

But I think you're just ticked that you didn't get to her first. :p
 

BigWillyStyle

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Wow EVERYONE, thanks for helping out a stranger. Really, it's much appreciated. desappho, Wyldfire and Squirrels especially. Thanks a bunch guys(and lady :) ) You guys(especially Wyldfires post) made alot of sense to me and nailed it through my dense head. You're right, when I see her tomorrow, it'll be all cool with me about the whole PAST fvck buddy situation.

Although I have one more question, I agree with Wyldfire, she says she is good friends with this EX fvck buddy "Simon" so she wants to keep him as a FRIEND she says. I am not comfortable they actually spend anytime together but in a group situation I guess I could let it slide. Incase she says "I might want to see him to watch movies sometimes though, can't I do that?" or something similar.

It's definately not asking for too much that I ask she don't see him alone again. Is it too much to give her an ultimatium? Something like>
"You see him alone again, and you never see me again, or you only see him in group situations, and we continue..." Or is that ultimatum too harsh?

Thanks alot again everyone!
 

Wyldfire

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Originally posted by BigWillyStyle
Wow EVERYONE, thanks for helping out a stranger. Really, it's much appreciated. desappho, Wyldfire and Squirrels especially. Thanks a bunch guys(and lady :) ) You guys(especially Wyldfires post) made alot of sense to me and nailed it through my dense head. You're right, when I see her tomorrow, it'll be all cool with me about the whole PAST fvck buddy situation.

Although I have one more question, I agree with Wyldfire, she says she is good friends with this EX fvck buddy "Simon" so she wants to keep him as a FRIEND she says. I am not comfortable they actually spend anytime together but in a group situation I guess I could let it slide. Incase she says "I might want to see him to watch movies sometimes though, can't I do that?" or something similar.

It's definately not asking for too much that I ask she don't see him alone again. Is it too much to give her an ultimatium? Something like>
"You see him alone again, and you never see me again, or you only see him in group situations, and we continue..." Or is that ultimatum too harsh?

Thanks alot again everyone!
Don't go the ultimatum route...that's just asking for an unneccesary power struggle. There are ways to get your needs met without turning it into a big drama. All you have to do is tell her that although you don't have a problem with her staying friends with him that you wouldn't be comfortable with them spending any time alone together because of the sexual history. Then just throw in that you respect her too much to spend time alone with the last girl (or any other girl) you had sex with and since you're certain she respects you in the same way that you're confident it won't be an issue.

You can make your feelings very clear without turning it into a conflict.

Glad I could be of help, by the way.
 

HKgunslinger

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BigWilly (let me take a moment to chuckle at that name :D ),

Her fvck buddy. Bad, bad thing. If she's not "getting any" from YOU, and SEEING her fvck buddy as a "friend", AND if she HAD her fvck buddy BECAUSE she was sexually frustrated, and again, she's not getting any from you,.....

Let me be blunt, she has lust for this fvck buddy. She will be hanging out with him, they already have the sexual tension there obviously, it's only a matter of time before they're fvcking, IF in fact it is not happening as we speak.

She met this guy in a BAR BAR BAR!!!, she FVCKS him for a while, then she wants to hang out with him to WATCH MOVIES??? You can do better than this girl, she's not worth the snot in your left nostril. It's probably a good thing you haven't screwed her, who knows what she may have picked up from her BAR BAR BAR!!! boyfriend, maybe Herpes, Hepatitis, anything. NEXT!

'Slinger
 

Wyldfire

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HK...did you even read his last post? He didn't say she IS hanging out with the guy alone. He asked how he should deal with a situation like that IF it were to come up.

IF this girl wanted to still have sex with the other guy she never would have told Will about it in the first place.

Stop giving him sh*tty and hysterical emotional advice...
 
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I don't do this much...but I'd have to agree with wyldfire's dissection of this situation.

If the girl wasn't trying to get on a more emotional level with you, she wouldn't have told you. She may have figured you are a confident enough man to hear these things from her...and if you can accept it, then, maybe she can give herself sexually to you.

If you blow up on her about this situation, then, it will confirm her attitude that she was correct in not sleeping with you now...because instead of being an understanding confident man, you judged her and cut her off.

IMO - try to get over the past. You were right, it was probably best information that you didnt need to hear. The past is the past. But now that its been said, you have an opportunity to be above it.

In regards to "Simon"...remember, if his d*ck was so good, she'd be with him. I'd tell the gf the same --

"I have no problem with you hanging out with anybody. But in light of what you just told me, I'm not comfortable with you and "Simon" having any alone time."

But before you say this to her, ask her, what does she expect you to say and feel now?

Her answer will most likely be that she thought you'd get pissed off and yell and scream and yada...but, throw her off. Let her know she's with a strong MAN..not an IMMATURE BOY.

Stay calm, cool confident bro. Simon is below you...keep that attitude.

If she demands alone time with him and wants to continue a "CLOSE" relationship with her FB, then she doesn't really have any consideration for your feelings. The only route now is to keep continuing to stay calm, cool, collective - if you play your cards right, you probably can make her your FB also.

If it turns out this way, you might as well make her an FB also. She's been open to it in the past, and you've already invested a couple months with her...if she care's little about your feelings after you tell her, then all is fair in love and war.
 

Kaine

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This annoys me


1. She has no problem with no-strings sex (fcuk buddies)

You don't like girls with this kind of attitude? Me either. I like women with a bit of class and good values.

2. She wants to continue seeing her 'fcukbuddy'

This is someone she has slept with (repeatedly). Enough said.

3. She lied to you about her values.

She says she believe's in one thing but does something to contradict herself.

4. If she didn't lie to you, then she has poor strength of character

She let her horniness overwhelm her values. She did it because she was lonely? Pffffft


These are red flags to me. Past behaviours are good indicators of future behaviours.

You owe it to her and yourself to tell her that you lost respect for her. Why because it has and will likely affect your (conscious or subconscious) actions and interaction with her in the future. If she values you she will also understand that she walks on eggshells for you now and will try and seek approval from you in other ways.


Kaine
 

ShockDoctor

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BigWillyStyle, I can relate to this, I suffered the same 'good news' about my girlfriends 'fcuk buddy' events.

ok, at first I was annoyed and lost respect for her, as you did your girlfriend. It REALLY annoyed me, I was threatening to break the guys face etc... etc... the acts of extreme jealously.

think about this? if a hot woman came up to you in a bar and you got to know her and became friends, would you do the same?

think about this: she OBVIOUSLY thinks U ARE BETTER than he is because she is with U and NOT him!!! :) U OWN this guy, you should be happy, she considers you better than he is!!

what your girlfriend did is neither right or wrong, so don't beat yourself up about it, because it's in the past. this happened BEFORE she even knew you, I assume you have a past aswell and you have had sex with other women before? if so there is no reason why you should feel annoyed about this!! it's just being hypocritical.

as I stated earlier in the post my girlfriend had a fcuk buddy aswell, and the last she had sex with him was like a month BEFORE we met, I will be honest with you, I'm not completely over it but I have learned to DEAL with it and to try and 'accept'. I'm learning to turn this NEGATIVE emotion into POSITIVE emotion, by doing something POSITIVE when I think about it, your not alone, I'm the same but I am DEALING with it. whenever you feel annoyed about it, do some exercise, go for a run etc... whenever your with your girlfriend and you feel annoyed about it, turn this emotion into a POSITIVE emotion by making her laugh, treat her good, eventually you will start to 'associate' these NEGATIVE feelings with POSITIVE ones! but it just takes time, concentrate and u can do it!.

no one is perfect man, don't go through the same route I did and start arguing and becoming angry about her past it won't get you anywhere, trust me, I KNOW. you can't change the past so why bother dwelling on it???

also, if she wants to take this relationship seriously then she will understand your reasons for not wanting her to be friends with her 'fcuk buddy', don't make her 'choose' between you or him, but if she respects you enough she won't see him again, even as 'friends' if she doesn't then go find someone else who will!

good luck!
 

thefonz

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Originally posted by Wyldfire
HK...did you even read his last post? He didn't say she IS hanging out with the guy alone. He asked how he should deal with a situation like that IF it were to come up.

IF this girl wanted to still have sex with the other guy she never would have told Will about it in the first place.

Stop giving him sh*tty and hysterical emotional advice...
Maybe she was covering her ass in a way by saying that so if she did get caught together and someone told him they saw her with that guy Will would just say, "It's ok, thier just friends." Regardless.....

The bible tells us all to not worry about what women are doing and to basically just let them go about their business less they want to be thrown to the street......never let your guard down and continue reminding her that she is replaceable.
 

TillTheEndOfTime

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BigWillie: I'm not optimistic about this girl. I've seen this type. They're usually nothing but trouble.

#1) Beware of girls who try to portray themselves as a certain way, but are something very different. She told you that she doesn't like in jump into a sexual relationship....then she tells you she had FB relationship. I think she told you about this to relieve some of her OWN guilt more so than giving a crap about your feelings.

#2) Beware of girls that make up excuses to justify their behaviour. Just like when she told you she only had a FB relationship because she did not have sex in 5 months. Next thing you know she's going to cheat on you and give you the "you weren't satisfying my emotional needs" garbage excuse.

#3) Judge a girl by her actions and not words. No matter what she tells you, she is the same person who had a FB. If she says crap like she's holding out on it with you because of her new belief about not have sex early, you're being a naive fool. The more likely reason is that she is just not that attracted to you. She'll be all over the next guy who presses her attraction button.

Beware. You've been warned.
 
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